issues with lodger

[lodger]

Hi

Hoping for a bit of clarity and in need of a chat about my lodger. He's only been
here for a few weeks but ive found it challenging having someone in my home space. Tonight he bought back a friend with no prior warning and occupied the kitchen space and cooked for friend and they both ate at the table, chatting away. I found it quite rude to not give me the heads up that he was bringing a guest back and cooking dinner. I had to make my dinner then leave the kitchen as they were clearly chatting and eating and I felt like a third wheel. He is my lodger and I find this quite rude. Am I being unreasonable in expecting him to tell me that he's bringing a friend home? He also makes very loud phone calls alot of the time and hooks his calls up to an external speaker so that I can hear his conversations very clearly. his room is above mine. Again I find this quite disrespectful. Some viewpoints would be handy. Im not used to having people in my home and I lost my husband last year to cancer so its a big deal to have someone living in my space. Its an adjustment

I think I’d go further and ask him to have guests in his space, they don’t need a dining table to eat food he’s made. The phone on loudspeakers is really anti-social, I’d tell, not ask him to knock that on the head. He’s not a tenant, he can be asked to leave with pretty much no notice.

To be fair to the OP she probably didn't realise how hard it would be to share her home. When DM had lodgers they weren't allowed into the house and there were bolts on the doors but it was still hard knowing there were strangers in our home.

That's really helpful 😀 thanks. I chatted to him again tonight and basically said that I I've come across as giving mixed messages then sorry and that he's welcome to bring his girlfriend round but just to give me heads up if wanting to dine in kitchen etc. I tried opening the conversation up for him to let me know his thoughts but he was reticent. Hopefully in time things will ease between us its only been two weeks. Sounds like you've got a good handle on it with your lodgers :) x

I did ask nicely and even said "is that OK with you". He seemed upset and showed it by giving arty minimal responses and none engagement buy when he got back this eve he made an effort to be friendly and even took the rubbish out 😂 I'm still figuring out what he's about but I dint think he's a bad guy but is perhaps unaware of the effect pushing boundaries has on folk

Excuse me, but having a lodger is a superlative way to have an income under certain circumstances. And it's unreasonable that you seem to expect that the OP immediately should know instinctively how to handle everything. It would be nice if she had some friends to turn to, but maybe she hasn't.

Let's not get personal or nasty. And my husband died last year and I left all of my friends up north to move to a place where I dint know anyone. I've only Bern here a month. So YES I have friebds. Have been confiding in them but they live miles away as I needed to leave the place where my husband died

I apologise I misread what you said. Very sorry, thought you were haying on me. You were being kind and compassionate xxx

I don't really have experience of lodging but I would think that use of their own room, kitchen and bathroom would be the minimum for a person to carry out the normal tasks of living anywhere. I don't think a lodger can be expected to live on microwave meals for however many months or years they are there.

It supports being able to be unobtrusive if the lodgers room is properly equipped with a bed, desk/table and cosy chair also. That would suit me very well, not even having to come out unless I need the bathroom or kitchen. No need to be social with the owner. Also, no expectation to do housework outside the wider house (and my share of the kitchen/bathroom I use). Sounds like an easy deal to me.

He didn't push a boundary, because you didn't set one!

You allowed him to have friends over, then when he did, you decided you didn't like it and that it wasn't ok without letting you know first.

You now have set a boundary, and it would of course be entirely unreasonable and wrong if he didn't respect it, even if he doesn't like it. But you can't say he pushed a boundary that wasn't there in the first place.

I don't want to have a go, because you've clearly had a difficult time of it and perhaps didn't realise how difficult sharing your home might be. But you are being quite unreasonable here. You expect him to not only accept you changing your mind about something when he's already moved in, you expect him to show no displeasure either!

I get that it's your house, and appreciate it was uncomfortable for you to have your space feeling "taken over" in a way you weren't prepared for - but your lodger is human too. Nobody likes feeling chastised, and especially not when they didn't believe they did anything wrong in the first place. He probably is feeling a bit anxious about what else you will change your mind about now.

No I meant he's pushed a few other boundaries not about having his friebd over.

I get he might be feeling anxious and I've tried to ease things with him as that's not nice to feel anxious at home or anywhere for that matter. He has pushed boundaries in other ways

It appears quite a lot don't understand the difference between a lodger and house share. It is not his house nor is the whole building his home. His home is his bedroom, his private sitting room and his private bathroom. He has access to kitchen facilities in her home. Access, not equal usage. Her kitchen is not his entertainment space. He does kitchen things in there, at reasonable times and then goes back to his rooms. It is not a house share. Her private living room is also not his space, at all. Nor should he expect access to it to allow his girlfriend to come in at will and talk at OP like it's his shared space.

He is acting like he thinks he has 50% rights over the property.

If he wants that, he pays for house share price. He is paying lodger money and expecting house share level access.

@lodger Get him gone. Make up a typed list to show to prospective replacements before you and they agree to terms. His surly response was a red flag in my view. I do think he sees you as vulnerable, easy to push around. He took over your kitchen and edged you out. Do not put up with that. He can cook and take it to his rooms because that is what he is paying for. Again, communal areas are for utility and are not for entertaining his guests in like he owns the place.

It's easy to tell that you were a landlord.

You have zero compassion for the lodger.

The lodger is a grown man. What has compassion got to do with it?

This is such a drip feed. Every time you get called out you up the ante and say oh but he's done something worse than what you've disclosed. First it was "oh but his friend spoke to me in a disrespectful way" and now he's pushed boundaries in other ways you haven't explained.

Starting to think this isn't genuine now. I'm out.

OP you don’t want other people living in your house. Bring this one to an end and don’t replace him.

If you can’t afford the house, move somewhere smaller. You’ll be happier than having your home “invaded”.

She wrote "get him gone" very coldly

Which is a horrible way to talk about someone full stop.

If it was me, I would pause to think, where will he go next to live?
Does he have somewhere to go.
It would be good to give him a months notice to give him time to find somewhere.

That's your prerogative to go. You seem to be taking all if this very strongly. I suggest if uts upsetting you it's probably best you do go? I came on here to trouble shoot and get advice. He has pushed boundaries and its up to me if I wish to disclose any further

You are clearly regretting having a lodger, why on earth did you decide to do so ?

You yourself have only lived in the property 6 weeks ? and the lodger has been there 2 weeks ?

you have barely allowed yourself time to settle in, and get to know a new area as you say you chose to uproot yourself away from where you lived before, leaving behind all your friends.

Do you work ?

I asked earlier what notice period have you said either party needs to give ?

I think it's okay to tell your lodger that he's your first lodger and you've learned that having a lodger isn't right for you at the moment. Explain that you recently lost your husband and have found you need the space alone while the grief is so fresh. (Make it about you, not him). Give him fair notice to find a new place. Then just treat it as a learning experience.

I don't work at the moment. I've not set a notice period. Shall I get that in writing to him?

Suddenly coming at him after the fact with all the terms and conditions is problematic, from my perspective. I'd feel like I'd moved in then you've moved the goal posts/changed the rules we discussed. I'd probably look at moving for something more secure and predictable.

dearie me, did you not sort any paperwork at all ?

how often is his rent due ?
how far, if at all has he paid in advance ?

I would give him one month's notice.

as he has to find somewhere else, provide references, credit checks etc.

and if he finds somewhere sooner, then you are happy to allow him to leave earlier without having to pay his rent up to the end of the notice period.

You're right. I should have set the rules clearly from the start. Lesson learnt.

I've been pretty naive and didn't want to come across as rule driven. It's backfired and lesson learnt. He pays monthly.