I am too old, aren’t it?

[OrangeKettle]

I think I know the answer I’ll get from everyone.

I was in an emotionally abusive marriage. I used to read posts on here, with women in a similar situation, and know I should leave, but couldn’t. Eventually I managed to. It was the best thing I ever did. It took me years to realise what had happened and that it wasn’t normal, and to start getting over it.

7 years later, I met someone who is the complete opposite. The kindest, generous, nicest, helpful man ever. Looks after me constantly. We’ve never had a cross word. Hard working, supportive, etc. We now live together too.

I have two children from my first marriage. One is early teens, one is slightly younger.

My partner has no children. He wanted them but has accepted he won’t have any with me. He says he’d rather be with me than not.

I would love another child. I know he would. He would also be a fab dad. Not like my ex.

However…. I am 44. He is 7 years younger. I am in a better situation (mentally) and still very active. I have periods every 28 days. Still ovulate at the “right” time (despite having coil, I still get periods).

But, it would be wrong, wouldn’t it? I’m too old, aren’t I?

Please don't.

Genuinely just don't. My dad was 46 when I was born, mum 36. It means I'm 25 and facing the reality of my dad being dead within the next 10 years and not being here for my wedding etc., my children (if I have them) growing up without grandparents on their mums side, I was 21 when my last grandparent died. My family is tiny and I hate it, I don't have any of the support that a lot of other people have due to their ages. My aunts and uncles are all older and have health issues, most of them probably won't be alive if I get married after the age of about 30. It's a horrible thing to live with.

If you have been together 7 years why didn’t you make this decision 5 years ago? Personally I think 44 is at the outer edge of a reasonable age. I wouldn’t have considered it, but plenty do with no problem.

Had my 2nd & 3rd at 41 & 43. My DH is 8 years younger. Life is sometimes hard. As it was 15 years ago ago when I had my first. As it was at 20 and 25. The difference is I'm now in a mature, loving marriage. I'm calm, financially stable, able to give all the kids my time without having to work ridiculous hours to afford them. My teen is delighted to have a bigger family. She has her moments, we all do, but going through the stresses of her life doesn't make her less able to appreciate more love in her life.

I think being physically fit is what matters most here. It's not like he's 20. He's what, 37? Hardly young for a first time dad. What I wouldn't do is put all your emotions into it. It IS harder to get pregnant, it can be harder to have an easy pregnancy, and it is just all too easy to get too caught up in trying. If you can both casually dump the coil and see, I'd do it.

Pregnancy and childbirth will be extra tiring in your mid-40s, not to mention the exhaustion of a newborn. I can see the temptation but realistically, it's going to change everything for you and your family. It will be tough.

I’d think you were a bloody idiot, sorry.

Thank you for all your opinions. Even the “harsher” ones. I appreciate them all.

The impact on my children is a major factor. As people have mentioned, my eldest is a big issue. Both children have said in the past (when I met DP) that they wanted a sibling, but they don’t understand the reality.

For example, at the moment, DP and I facilitate their social lives. Throw a baby into the mix, and that changes. That’s just one thing, but to them could be major.

The risk of having a child with disabilities is another big thing.

My parents are still young in themselves. They help massively. But would they cope with a newborn? Would they want to? Unlikely.

My partner and I have a good life at the moment. We do lots. That would change too.

My head is definitely saying no.

For the posters that say about looking at my current partner after an abusive man, and that he seems too good to be true… I can see that! However, he is genuinely a good man. I know from his ex wife, friends, colleagues etc what he’s been like in the past too, never a bad word.

He helps out and makes an effort with my children. That might have to do. And we continue to enjoy our lives together.

Thank you everyone.

How long have you been with him?

Personally I wouldn't, your DC will be going through a lot of changes and academic demands soon and disruption of that with a baby is careless IMO.

I sympathise though, I was a lone parent for years, met my partner early 40s and we definitely could have gone for it but it would have been a stupid decision for our DCs, my career and our financial situations.

In fact we took a really sensible decision in the end, and we are only just about to move in together and blend families as the DC are now at the right age.

This

But why if he is so perfect and been together 7yrs why didn't you start ttc 3/4yrs ago when 40 as would have given you a better chance

Not to old at all!

Just because you can doesn't mean you should.

As I said up the thread I'm a child born to older parents and while I love them, the strain is awful.

Wow, could you be more ageist? 🙄

No, just a realistic. The Op asked for opinions and I have my honest opinion.

I had a surprise baby at 40 (well she was born one day before I turned 41🤣). My other dd was 15. My gorgeous toddler is literally the best- i was hesitant to have another due to some genetic issues diagnosed in family member. She makes me feel younger, happier, ok I am probably a bit more tired but I wouldn't change a thing - I say go for it !! But start now as may take a while .. remunerating over it will just age you more 😉 on a side note I had an older dad -he was 55 when I was born . He had far more energy and was so much more fun than my mum who was 38 and couldn't cope with noise/ mess etc ..good luck

Yeah right…. Twins in the older pt/celebrity suggests help….

I was born to older parents. I gave birth as older parent. All been great for me - settled and secure occupations, stable home, maturity of judgement, wisdom. DP is even older and as semi retired has been able to spend so much time with our teens, it's beautiful. So sod off with your ageism.

I didn't say you weren't entitled to your opinion. I said it was ageist, which it is.

I wouldn't. Your life sounds good after a lot of stress.

Not necessarily. I was told by a dr (in more medical terms!) that the ovaries sometimes start firing out two eggs a month as we get closer to peri hence twins are more common the older we get I believe. This is another reason I was determined to be done by 35! Might be something to consider OP! 😂 How would you like twins? I'm joking btw.

Yes I'm pretty sure that higher incidence of twins in older women was a thing long before IVF/etc.

She said she met him after 7 years, not that they've been together that long. Unless I've missed it, I don't know if she's said how long they've been together? (Which would also be a factor in whether to have a dc together or not, along with financial set up, work, marriage and other boring but important practicalities)

Another question might be " those of you in you at 54 with 10 year olds..those of you still working 65 to help your children at university...."

I wouldn't at that age ,physically you can get pregnant, but there are increased risks if miscarriage, disabilities etc,but only you can decide if the risks are worth bit.

A friend of mine had a baby at 44, yes they needed help via IVF, and this was a second relationship. She had older children, as she had them with her ex husband, when much younger. They have a little girl who has turned 2! No, you're not too old.

The Op herself was questioning wether she was too old ,it,s a public forum ,people will have a variety of opnions.

Indeed. And this opinion is ageist.