I am too old, aren’t it?

[OrangeKettle]

I think I know the answer I’ll get from everyone.

I was in an emotionally abusive marriage. I used to read posts on here, with women in a similar situation, and know I should leave, but couldn’t. Eventually I managed to. It was the best thing I ever did. It took me years to realise what had happened and that it wasn’t normal, and to start getting over it.

7 years later, I met someone who is the complete opposite. The kindest, generous, nicest, helpful man ever. Looks after me constantly. We’ve never had a cross word. Hard working, supportive, etc. We now live together too.

I have two children from my first marriage. One is early teens, one is slightly younger.

My partner has no children. He wanted them but has accepted he won’t have any with me. He says he’d rather be with me than not.

I would love another child. I know he would. He would also be a fab dad. Not like my ex.

However…. I am 44. He is 7 years younger. I am in a better situation (mentally) and still very active. I have periods every 28 days. Still ovulate at the “right” time (despite having coil, I still get periods).

But, it would be wrong, wouldn’t it? I’m too old, aren’t I?

Me too. I firmly believe that a high proportion of men are ambivalent at best about having children and agree only to please their partners.

@AngelicKaty it's not ageist to say that sometimes you're too old to become a parent.

It’s true though.

I think if you're going to try, do it properly- et a fertility MOT, really look afteryourselves with supplements and managing stress etc.

But before you do that

1. does he absolutely do 50% of housework, household planning and mental load?

2. have a frank and open conversation about what happens if it does happen but the baby is diagnosed with a medically limiting condition in utero, or born with one - how would you handle that. For me the fear wasn't having a baby at 44. It was having a sick baby.

I think you'd be bonkers, quite frankly. Not necessarily because of your age, but because you already have two teenagers whose lives would be completely turned upside down.

I'd also have a good hard think about whether you'd want to raise a small as a single parent in your fifties. Not because I think your partner is necessarily a bad person, but because a lot of relationships break down and you'd be the one left doing all the grunt work.

Go for it. The majority of people start having kids in their 30s now, and loads of people I know have their first or subsequent in their 40s.

The stats say that there is an increased risk of certain disorders after 40, which I'm sure you're abundantly aware of. Not to put you off, but if I were you (and i might be soon as I'm early 40s and trying for another), I'll have the harmony/nipt test if i do fall pregnant so I can be aware very early on it there are certain issues.

So no, not unreasonable. You'll only regret what you don't try...

Exactly.

Does he have any idea of the reality of the daily grind of baby, toddler, school child life? Or is it just a vague "l'd love to be a dad.."?

Is he willing to marry and combine assets? Would he fully support the household on maternity leave?

What will he do if the child has special needs? Would he cut hours or sacrifice his career to become a carer?

What if you have injuries at the birth like tears and incontinence? Is he up for supporting you through that and maybe going without sex for years of recovery and reconstruction?

How does he do on little sleep?

Personally I wouldn't want to be 14/15 and have a 60 year old parent. You;re happy OP and a baby is going to turn you and your families lives upside down. Just be happy with what you have.

Nonsense.

Many people regret things they've actually done.

I wouldn’t at your age, especially with younger children. You’re not even married. I know that sounds old fashioned but you would need that security if you even considered starting again.

@YOOHOOITSMEEE · Yesterday 22:02

i have a friend thats pregnant with twins at 53
naturally conceived and tried for.

No offence intended, but I doubt this VERY much. If you do have a 53 y.o. friend who is pregnant, it's extremely unlikely that it was a natural conception.

If she has been telling people this, she should probably know that most people will doubt her, because less than 1% of women over 50 will conceive naturally, and the vast majority will not go full term and actually have the baby.

Also, pregnant at 53... ??? Really?!

@itwasnevermine it's not ageist to say that sometimes you're too old to become a parent.

No, it's not, but that isn't what @Sazzy6258 said. Re-read her post:
"There comes a cut off point where it is just selfish and I think you are at this point! You need to think about the child, when they are due to start school, you would be nearly 50 and starting to hit the menopause. When they are due to leave school you will be hitting 60!! My friend growing up had older parents and hated it as they were so out of touch with everything. Enjoy the life you have and don't do it."
There are some people here who don't seem to understand that ageism is a form of prejudice. Her opinion is ageist because she makes sweeping prejudicial generalisations about older parents.
And remember, ageism works both ways. I wonder how a young mum would feel if someone posted about them something like: How selfish. You're far too young to have a child. You have no life experience and don't know your own mind. You couldn't bring anything to a young child's development - you'll just want to be out partying with your mates.
Do you understand ageism now?

I have older parents. It's hell.

It's not. It considers that as we age our energy levels decrease and our likelihood of needing care goes up.

(FTM at 42 here)

But that's your experience. It doesn't mean it's everyone's experience - indeed, there are people who have posted on here that having older parents has been great for them. Try not to be so narrow-minded and prejudiced.

I do agree with the sentiment of this ... that you're more likely to regret things you haven't done, rather than things you have done. But having a baby at around 45 is not one of them.

I think the majority of women would definitely regret having a baby, (at 45+) rather than not having one at that age.

I don't think I actually know a single woman aged 55+ plus now, who regrets not having a baby at 45 to 50. Seriously, not one.

I'm in my mid 50s, and my 2 DC - in their mid 20s - flew the nest a few years ago ... Am I wishing I'd had a 3rd baby when I was in my mid 40s, and now had a 10 to 12 year old child (when I am several years off my 60s?)

LOL. No.

.

Prejudice isn't, by definition, true.

Go for it. Make sure you are taking all your vitamins etc to give yourself the best chance.

Why do people keep wanting to have children when they meet someone new?
Enjoy life as it is. Children are just going to bring more stress and strain.
Why spoil something that's going nicely.

It’s not prejudice to say that the risks to both mother and baby increase exponentially with maternal age. There’s a reason fertility decreases with age. That is undeniably true.

But having a baby at 45 would make OP a total outlier! However having a baby at 40 to 42 is not particularly uncommon and in no other sphere of adult life is a 3 to 5 year age difference seen all that significant.

If OP is considering it, it would have to be now and she should be prepared for it not to happen.

@pinkdelight you are right. I read it wrong

Fwiw I'm 51. I stopped periods at 51 few months ago. Was very reg every 28 days so tech I could have had a baby at your age naturally

I did give birth at almost 44 tho via ivf as unexplained infertility

No regrets at all tho she's my only one

Ivf cost many thousands as dh has chikdren before he met me so no nhs go - like you won't get either so cost is a huge factor if not trying naturally

Your comment is entirely without context - see my reply to itwasnevermine above and understand I was commenting on what sazzy6258 actually wrote.

I have older parents. It’s far from hell. They are wonderful.
man’s even though they were late 30s (mum) early 40s (Dad) when I was born, when I was 9 years old, they became foster parents, and are still fostering today for n their early 70s. So they became even older parents than they were with me. They are excellent foster parents, not out of touch - if anything having teens around has made them younger and more in touch! My little foster-sis, now a young adult, they became special guardians for, when she was 11 and so was a teen with parents in their late 60s and early 70s and she is very close to them both and considers them as her mother and father.

the whole idea of “Imagine being 15 and your parents 60!” Is ageist. Some 60 year olds are better parents than some in their mid 30s. I also have two older siblings who were born when my mother was in her very early 20s, and they also agree that my mum has become a better, and more hands on mum the older she has become.

Fwiw I'm 51. I stopped periods at 51 few months ago. Was very reg every 28 days so tech I could have had a baby at your age naturally

I’m not sure you could! Having regular periods in your early 50s isn’t unusual at all; having a baby in your 50’s is very unusual. Even in the days before available contraception!