I am too old, aren’t it?

[OrangeKettle]

I think I know the answer I’ll get from everyone.

I was in an emotionally abusive marriage. I used to read posts on here, with women in a similar situation, and know I should leave, but couldn’t. Eventually I managed to. It was the best thing I ever did. It took me years to realise what had happened and that it wasn’t normal, and to start getting over it.

7 years later, I met someone who is the complete opposite. The kindest, generous, nicest, helpful man ever. Looks after me constantly. We’ve never had a cross word. Hard working, supportive, etc. We now live together too.

I have two children from my first marriage. One is early teens, one is slightly younger.

My partner has no children. He wanted them but has accepted he won’t have any with me. He says he’d rather be with me than not.

I would love another child. I know he would. He would also be a fab dad. Not like my ex.

However…. I am 44. He is 7 years younger. I am in a better situation (mentally) and still very active. I have periods every 28 days. Still ovulate at the “right” time (despite having coil, I still get periods).

But, it would be wrong, wouldn’t it? I’m too old, aren’t I?

I had DC2 at 44.

Having reread your posts I think a bigger question is whether it’s a good idea to have a child with this man. He may be a lovely boyfriend but he doesn’t sound mad keen to have kids and a baby would put a strain on your relationship. Really hard for your existing children too who have already suffered a lot.

Physically too old? Not necessarily no, I had my second naturally at 45 (fell pregnant at 44 though, & had a 4 year old at the time). There is however a lot to think about, how would you all cope should you miscarry, abnormalities, would you go down the IVF route, how would your existing children feel plus ttc itself can be an emotional roller coaster. PP's have made some excellent points/things to think about. Its possible but whether its right only you can decide really. You've been through a lot and done really well to get where you have. Wishing you the best of luck whatever you decide.

All these comments saying you'll find it hard to conceive is BS also the comments about it effecting your other kids. Nothing beats a new addition to the family. I say go for it 44 is not too old at all I've just had my 6th and my eldest is 19 youngest is 3 weeks just because you have a baby it doesn't mean you stop being there for your big kids you still have to do everything you would do if you didn't have a baby I don't know why people think just because you have a baby you're not there for older kids

Wise words.

Indeed.

its not ageist for god sake. 🙄

Not too old. I started caring for a one year old at 56, she's still here 20 years later.

If you're still having periods, are able to conceive AND genuinely want a baby, why on earth is it wrong? Go for it!

Read up on the risks and discuss if the desire includes raising a handicapped/ disabled child. If you still want one go ahead but draw the line at IVF for your own sanity. Get your body ready - take folic acid and vits before you start trying. At least your husband is younger and your child will have siblings but do remember you are at a natural grandmother age and your child will probably lose at least one parent when they are still in twenties, possibly early 30’s.

I think so, would be a lot to put your body through, especially being on the edge of a lot of biological changes over the next 10 years, mental and physical rollercoaster of menopause.

A big difference in how you are likely to feel by 54+ your DC would still be in primary school and all the transition to secondary and teenage years to navigate into your 60s. Yikes.

All these comments saying you'll find it hard to conceive is BS... Nothing beats a new addition to the family

You'll always hear about someone's aunt or something who conceived at 52 and this thread in itself will naturally attract women who conceived later. I also know someone who conceived at 51 (with a donor egg and sperm and fertility treatment abroad).

But of course it isn't 'bullshit' to say that it's often harder to conceive as we get older - it's biology that egg quality decreases with age and this happens younger than 40, for instance. I had genetic testing for this reason because I had just turned 35. Hence many of us have said do what you both want but don't delay if possible.

As for nothing beating a new addition to the family, of course a child isn't regretted. But I'm not sure all teenagers welcome the prospect of a newborn with utter delight tbh. I'm sure some will be thrilled, yes, but I'd say your comment on this is very subjective.

My brother and his wife have just had their first baby at 43&42yrs. They are loving being first time parents where as I had my children younger (late 20s/early 30s) and I’m enjoying some freedom at 46yrs
If you try. I would make sure your partner is signed up for at least 50% of the work. Only you know him well enough

You see I really don't think that a new addition is always good for older children. Especially not children who has grown up in an abusive home who have finally got a mother who is in a happy and healthy relationship and is able to give them their undivided attention. They are just about to enter their most demanding years where they will need their mother to be there for them emotionally more than ever. You can't fully focus on your older kids whilst you have a toddler. You can't prioritise what makes them happy. You can't prioritise helping them with their studies. You can't prioritise them when they are inconsolable because their relationship has ended or their best friend ghosts them. You can't prioritise putting money into their university funds whilst paying for childcare. The list is long. I know parents don't have to provide all of this to their children and children who have grown up in happy and stable homes might not need as much support but that isn't the reality here.

Personally I couldn’t do it but peri has turned me into a creaking, aching, worrying old woman. No way could I go back to sleepless nights and running around after a toddler.

No you wouldn’t be too old, I was 43 when I had my second. It’s bloody hard work and I don’t have the energy I did but no reason why you shouldn’t go ahead but get on with it quickly.

You're not too old - I had my first and only baby at 47 years old

But it wouldn't be OP's only child. At 47 she'd also have two teenagers to think about, who must have both suffered when their abusive father was around, then had to cope with a new man living with them, and then a new baby.

You should so do it! I had my first at 24 and second at 42 after 2 rounds of failed IVF ! Went on holiday drank gin and smoked ! Came back and I was pregnant! It’s not without its stress though! Pregnancy 1 was a walk in the park, second time round my body felt it. I’m 46 with a 4 year old! Have one last go and good luck!

Definitely not OP do not do it.
You are finally in a calm settled place.
Hang on to it and enjoy it.
Don't risk it.
Not worth it.
Maintain the stability for your children.

Don’t fall into the trap of thinking you ‘owe’ him a baby because he’s not a knobhead like your ex.

Not too old if that what you both really want. Make sure he really wants a child though.

Yeah this was my experience. If you'd asked me at 18 what having older parents was like I'd have said there was no issue at all. I genuinely expected my dad to live to 95 as he was SO healthy, and he dyed his hair so probably looked quite a lot younger. I never got bullied for my parents being so old, no one mentioned it- even though one of my friends parents were literally half the age of mine.

Needless to say after my dad died when I was in my early 20s (from an old age related cancer) my opinion on older parents definitely changed. My mum's still here but I worry constantly.

Having children is a gamble too, no parent knows how long they'll have with their child but most expect to outlive them and no one tells them "oh well at least you got 30 years with them" if they lose them young because that would be insensitive. Yet people with older parents are just supposed to get over not having as long with their parents as the majority because someone's neighbour died at 35 leaving two young kids etc.

I left a similar relationship, I've got no partner and am a single mum, I'm 43 I'd LOVE another baby but it won't happen for me now.
I'd give it a go. Good luck xx

No you are not too old at all.my mother in law had her third and last child age 46.do what makes you happy.you have one life xx