I am too old, aren’t it?

[OrangeKettle]

I think I know the answer I’ll get from everyone.

I was in an emotionally abusive marriage. I used to read posts on here, with women in a similar situation, and know I should leave, but couldn’t. Eventually I managed to. It was the best thing I ever did. It took me years to realise what had happened and that it wasn’t normal, and to start getting over it.

7 years later, I met someone who is the complete opposite. The kindest, generous, nicest, helpful man ever. Looks after me constantly. We’ve never had a cross word. Hard working, supportive, etc. We now live together too.

I have two children from my first marriage. One is early teens, one is slightly younger.

My partner has no children. He wanted them but has accepted he won’t have any with me. He says he’d rather be with me than not.

I would love another child. I know he would. He would also be a fab dad. Not like my ex.

However…. I am 44. He is 7 years younger. I am in a better situation (mentally) and still very active. I have periods every 28 days. Still ovulate at the “right” time (despite having coil, I still get periods).

But, it would be wrong, wouldn’t it? I’m too old, aren’t I?

And I’m actually in my 30s now, and they are still in fantastic health. I anticipate many more years with them thank you very much.

If someone has a child 40-45, then by the time their child is 25, they will barely be touching 70. Is it very usual to be passing away aged 65-70? I’d say that’s young to pass away - we all hope and expect to get to 80/85 nowadays surely? Many people are still working until 70! Though of course, no one’s tomorrow is promised.

'as if this applies to all older parents by default' is your own editorialising. It's not in there and you seeing it doesn't make it so. We can agree to disagree ofc but I'm not the one calling people ageist on the basis of something you've imagined. Maybe if you want more acceptance, don't start accusing people so harshly.

Thats so odd! It can’t have been that unusual to have a kid at 40 about 15 years ago. Even more common to have kids in your mid to late 30s and, about 15 years later, who would be able to tell the difference?

No idea about you but I wouldn’t- no way. My children are the same age as yours and there is a really fun part of life just about to start for me. Holidays, flexibility, following hobbies, passions with a freedom that we haven’t had for a decade. Your relationship sounds wonderful and you would get to enjoy each other with more time, money and freedom

I had a baby at 44. My third and very much an accident. Yes he will have older parents. Yes the pregnancy was bloody hard (but I have a heart condition so....) and yes I am exhausted a lot.of the time but he is the best. He is delightful and he has made my life so much richer. Do it. Life is too short to have regrets. I have enjoyed him so much more - probably because I am older!

I have a friend who was a child of older parents - they were in their 40s. But they are still around now where most of us are losing our younger parents.

Thanks for this - I needed to hear it. I'm having my second and last but people ask if we'll have a third. While I can see why some would like more DC, I actually miss my relationship with my DH. Genuinely excited to have dinners out with just us in the future and talk about things other than nappy output and troubleshooting sleeping problems. We have a good marriage but having just one DC (who doesn't sleep) has been testing. We're having ours close together all being well as I can't imagine having another when we're out of nappies and things with our oldest. I appreciate life can get in the way and that's not always an option though for many reasons!

I really wouldn't.

How long have you been together?

It'd be a high risk pregnancy. If all goes well and no issues with you or baby, then you'll still be knackered. Babies put a big strain on relationships and this is your relationship with your partner and your existing children and their relationships to each other too.

It could be wonderful but it's a big gamble and one I wouldn't take.

I do get tired of this old chestnut on these threads. 🙄

Fact is that someone whose parents don't have them til they're 45 - are FAR more likely to lose their parents by the time they're 25-30, (than if their parents have them when they're say, 25-30.)

This 'some people die at 30/some people live til 107' argument is ludicrous. A child is WAY more likely to lose their parents at a young age, if the parents are in their late 40s when they have them.

Can't believe this obvious fact needs explaining to be honest.

for all the posters accusing me of lying
i don't appreciate that thank you very much
she's a close friend

said friend is very alternative as am i but not to her extent

she's a hippie, home educates, vegan, lives off the land, white witch
doesn't do doctors only herbal medicine and practices and had all home births
kids are very well loved and looked after
they are just different

they all live in 3 giant tepees with running electric in a field and this is her 12 and 13th baby
she already had twins then got pregnant 6-8 weeks later on purpose
said she will continue until nature stops

she uses a herbal form of clomid but was having regular periods anyway

there is other alternative ways of living just becasue you don't know it exists doesn't mean its not there hundreds live differently from society's norm

Please do it!!!!

The other line on my bingo card for this topic is "Nobody ever regrets having another child."

Go for it! My sister had twins at 42! If you both want a baby, then a baby is a good idea! You’ll be monitored closely because of your age, and the risks of genetic conditions are slightly higher, but it’s certainly not beyond the realms of possibility to have a very healthy normal baby at your age! Go for it! There are worse things in the world than a loved, wanted baby to older parents!

This

If you really want a third child go for it I had my third ar 43, no issue whstsoever

You are free to try if you want to, but consider the hugely increased chance of miscarriage and complications.

Only you can answer his question. Don’t want a child or not. If you still get pregnant naturally then you’re not too old. But be prepared that this might not happen.

I just had a baby at 39, 40 next month. I don’t think it’s too old.

I also have a 14 year old and a 6 year old. It’s absolutely fabulous having a teenager and a baby ❤️

I'm your age and would love to have a third child, and the opportunity to. I'd be trying to right now, if my partner was here.
If you want to, then I don't think you're too old.
And I've heard people say that they regret not having another, and as someone else posted on one of these forums or fb group recently said, "People tend to regret not having children, a lot more than those who regret having children, because you love them"
sorry, I haven't worded it very well, I can't quite quote it how she said it 😅
xx

"Your partner has no idea what having a child means really. He might like the idea of it but it would effectively, all be on you."

This is so true. You know how much work and responsibility a baby is, how you have to change your whole life, it's much harder to live spontaneously with a toddler, and you'll need baby sitters for the next 10-15 years if you want to go out for a meal or anything like that. You know this, but, does he, really??

Also, have you mentioned it to your existing children? How would they feel about it?

You will be 65 when your child is 20.
how does that sit with you?
I can’t say if that’s good or bad, only you know.

You're not too old - I had my first and only baby at 47 years old. I had a really easy pregnancy and birth. I think being an older mother has lots of advantages - you don't crave going out all.the time, you know who you are and are more stable probably financially. Perhaps seeing a consultant would help you decide together. If you decide not to go ahead you can still have a great life together. Good luck!

I had my one and only child very unexpectedly at 42, early years were fine but honestly as they get older so do you, and by teenage years being in my 50's I found really tiring, in fact I warned my DD early on that I would be too old for teenage tantrums and I wouldn't be putting up with them. We have managed without much trouble and she's just graduated uni and started her career. The other point to remember of course is you will not be alone, your partner will share the load.

Only you know how you feel but no I certainly wouldn’t