Husband wants me to stop working

[3boysandadog23]

I’ve always wanted to be a SAHM and it is my main job. I also do private tutoring for 7 hours a week, which has gradually built up, an hour here, and hour there which my husband, usually, will then look after the children. Mondays 6-7pm, Fridays 17:00- 19:30, Thursdays afterschool for a few hours when my in-laws come and then a few hours in the evenings once my 3 children are in bed (ages 7,5 and 2).

My husband is a higher earner and although the money I earn is useful we don’t desperately need it. Means we can have a few extra holidays/ save some money into a pension for me. He has said that I really should appreciate the time with the children whilst they’re small and stop teaching so we have more nice family time together. He has started to get quite unsupportive about my teaching and today said to my two year old ‘you can’t go to mummy, she’s teaching as that’s what she’s chosen to do’.

I half love teaching and do it for my own sake to give me something else to focus on in life, and I really do love earning a bit of money. But I also get what he’s saying. If we don’t need me to do it why am I? But I just feel a bit hurt that he’s not supporting me. I just don’t know whether I should be annoyed that he’s not supporting me or whether I’m thinking too much into it. He says there’s plenty of time for me to earn money once my children are a bit older. Anyone else in a similar situation or have any thoughts? Thank you!

Could it be because he doesn't want to parent his own dc????

I would keep doing it. You might need it as your running away fund. He sounds like he wants you stuck at home, financially dependent on him.

Maybe he could go part-time so he could spend some more time with his DC

I would hit the roof if my DH said that.

You have a right to have some professional activity and fulfilment - now, not in years to come. I round be more than a little hurt, OP - I would have exploded.

Is he also putting money into your pension for you, or is it just your teaching earnings you put in a pension?

Work is about more than money, if you enjoy it do it. He is being unreasonable.
Work is identity, keeping your brain going, having an outlet other than husband and kids, a change of routine, a great example for your children, a great fallback once they are older etc.
Lots of reasons to keep doing it.
I know a lot of sahp who regret giving up their careers 8 years down the line when the children become more independent, you are keeping your hat in the ring.

Also, what if your husband died? What if you divorced? It's v important to keep working

I don't disagree with you working at all but is it every evening a few hours after bedtime? As I can see that might be annoying for him if you never have an evening together and do you ever get to do anything else for just you like a hobby or see friends? What is the plan when the kids are all at school? Will you work in the day then?

Point out his kids can't go to him when he is at work either.

Is he also reducing his hours to make the most of his time with your children?
He doesn’t want you to have any financial independence; that’s a big red flag.

@Mandylovescandy Thanks for your response. It’s Mondays 19:30-20:30, Tuesdays 20:00-20:30, Thursdays until 20:15. It’s not too late but some of his argument is that I could have that time to exercise or do some stuff for myself.

@crumblingschools i think he would actually like to, but we couldn’t afford that as I earn a lot less than him and I couldn’t cover h the mortgage

This type of faux concern shows that he isn’t worried about your free time - he is worried about you maintaining a certain type of financial / professional independence that he doesn’t like. He dresses it up as being concerned for your wellbeing, but he’s actually afraid you won’t be as dependent on him as he might (consciously or subconsciously) like.

Keep teaching OP. Tell him the children are also his, why does he get to work and you don’t?

@HundredMilesAnHour our money all goes in together so it’s not really mine or his money that goes into my pension

He has said that I really should appreciate the time with the children whilst they’re small surely if that is the concern here he should be looking to compress his hours/reduce his hours and you work more so that he doesn't miss out. He's right, the time is precious so it is very important he spends this small amount of time being a parent to his DC. He is trying to control you OP, don't let him.

He doesn’t want to watch the kids.

I think you're missing my point. How sizeable are the pension contributions? Are they just a fraction of your teaching earnings or are they bigger and include some of his earnings also?

He says you should have time for exercise etc.

Tell him you are considering dropping it and have found a gym class with the same hours.

I suspect it wouldn't be about exercising or time to yourself then. It's about him not wanting to parent.

If you do choose to stop, how is he going to compensate for your lack of pension contributions?

He is being an arse!

It's such a small amount of time, I don't undestand his concerns. I'd carry on with my teaching..

But you kind of are you are keeping your career going and it is part of what makes you happy (if it does)

I kept my toe in the workforce like that when dd was very young. Best thing I could have done. I was actually hired back by my firm with a promotion and a raise. I had been consulting for them very part time.

don’t give it up just to make his life easier. It’s the perfect thing, just a bit of work. The kids will benefit from seeing you work and earn, but you are still available and flexible most of the time. It’s the unicorn of career situations.

He has said that I really should appreciate the time with the children whilst they’re small and stop teaching so we have more nice family time together
So he’ll be dropping his hours also? If family time is so important, he needs to be there too doesn't he? Or does get to pick and choose and actually he doesn’t want to look after his own kids for 3.5 hours a week?

my teaching and today said to my two year old ‘you can’t go to mummy, she’s teaching as that’s what she’s chosen to do’.
And you countered that with “you can’t see your daddy every day because he has chosen to go to work”?

our money all goes in together so it’s not really mine or his money that goes into my pension
If it didn’t matter, you wouldn’t be putting money into your pension now. It really, really does matter. Don’t talk yourself out of that because your husband is being a arse. Put that money into your pension and if you stop, your husband needs to at least match what you are putting into your pension but ideally add more because you aren’t going to be keeping your hand in teaching and will be losing skills.

You should maintain your teaching skills because there is no guarantee life will stay the same. Your DH may one day a health condition, get made redundant, or something might happen to your marriage etc.

Those of us who are older have experienced those life changing curveballs.

I'm a SAHM myself and I was a teacher before, and I'm offended on your behalf! I think if you enjoy teaching, then you have to continue to do it! It has intrinsical value, regardless of the pay itself. And it's a beautiful contribution to the world as well as to your children.
Being a SAHM does not mean a concrete set of rules nor a mold everybody needs to fit in: you decide how it works for you.
Imo your DH comments sound petty and manipulative, which I'd consider a red flag in a relationship. A spouse should want to build you up, not cut your wings. Stand your ground, OP.

Sorry! I hit the wrong voting button. I hit YABU but I meant to press YANBU! It just sounds like he can't be bothered to parent his own children.
I would definitely not give up. It keeps your skills up, just in case you ever want to go back to teaching.