Husband wants me to stop working

[3boysandadog23]

I’ve always wanted to be a SAHM and it is my main job. I also do private tutoring for 7 hours a week, which has gradually built up, an hour here, and hour there which my husband, usually, will then look after the children. Mondays 6-7pm, Fridays 17:00- 19:30, Thursdays afterschool for a few hours when my in-laws come and then a few hours in the evenings once my 3 children are in bed (ages 7,5 and 2).

My husband is a higher earner and although the money I earn is useful we don’t desperately need it. Means we can have a few extra holidays/ save some money into a pension for me. He has said that I really should appreciate the time with the children whilst they’re small and stop teaching so we have more nice family time together. He has started to get quite unsupportive about my teaching and today said to my two year old ‘you can’t go to mummy, she’s teaching as that’s what she’s chosen to do’.

I half love teaching and do it for my own sake to give me something else to focus on in life, and I really do love earning a bit of money. But I also get what he’s saying. If we don’t need me to do it why am I? But I just feel a bit hurt that he’s not supporting me. I just don’t know whether I should be annoyed that he’s not supporting me or whether I’m thinking too much into it. He says there’s plenty of time for me to earn money once my children are a bit older. Anyone else in a similar situation or have any thoughts? Thank you!

Time flies very quickly enjoy it while you can. Mine are 18 and 21 and I don't know where the time went, I loved spending quality time with my kids. Then once they are both in school you can work again.

Two questions:

1. Why should he not also enjoy this time with his child? It's a bit strange when you are already the main care-taker, yet you should spend even more time with the child. Nothing wrong with spending time with your own child, but why is he not doing the same?
2. Why is he weaponizing the child to guilt-trip you into not working? It's not okay to place a child (especially one that young) in between the petty squabbles of the parents. That is to say, I think you husband is really petty trying to make you and child feel bad by "communicating" in that way.

Anyway, these are the things that popped into my head when I read your first post.

You don't like your DH do you OP literally anytime you could spend with him you're working!

Does that mean that DH doesn't like his children?

Clearly he does he's doing bedtime with them every night!

Not cool. Snide and unsupportive. I would lose my shit, personally.

But moans about it and tells OP that she needs to be spending more time with them?

So, he wants you losing your job skills, financially wholly dependent on him, and doing all the child-rearing (and I bet all the other work around the home as well).

Red flags all over.

Tell him you're thinking about giving up work and instead you'll be:

Mondays 19:30-20:30 - gym, home by 21:30

Tuesdays 20:00-20:30 - seeing a friend, home by 22:00

Thursdays until 20:15 - Pilates class, home by 20:45

What's his reply?

Ridiculous comment.
She's literally only working a few hours a week.

It's clearly nothing to do with her working and everything to do with the fact he's having to do some childcare!

Why is it not fine for you to choose to work but he can? Red flag central. Keep working, increase hours if possible

Your OP says Monday 6-7 and Friday 5-7.30, is this aswell as the above? So you only have a Wednesday evening free and the weekend?

I’m going against the grain here and agree with your OH, you either want to be SAHM or you don’t, working 3 evenings a week whilst the children are around doesn’t really achieve that and it sounds like he just wants you around of an evening to have family time with you and the children which is nice for them to have mum and dad around for dinner together. he is right that you just don’t get that time back and if you can afford to have that time with them then you are very lucky BUT if you need to work for your own sanity then you both need to agree a compromise that makes everyone happy. Could you not take a part time teaching job says 2 days a week if you want to teach?

Funny how the phrase ' you can never get the time back' is only ever said to women who dare to work.

Maybe he should apply that phrase to himself and enjoy the time he's getting to spend on his own with his children.

Yes. I mean, I don’t want the time back. Being a SAHP would have been utterly miserable for me. Being a mother became enjoyable once it was combined with a fulfilling professional life.

I think he's just moaning and being 'woe is me.'
The thing is, on the face if it, your work hours (7 per week?) sound like nothing.
But, like many men who work and only see their kids in the evening, he probably thinks that those three evening hours are 'everything,' 'Patenting', to him, is three hours per night, plus weekends. That's the 'whole thing' as far as he comprehends. Whereas, to you, having been with the kids all day, the three hours at the end if the day are not particularly significant - it's just the tail-end of things. Not the 'main event', so to speak.

So in his mind, he's thinking, why is she taking herself off every / most evenings during 'peak family time.' He doesn't understand that 'peak family time' for you has already been all day and so the evening is neither here nor there.

If you really enjoy tutoring, he should support you. Could you re-structure so that rather than doing 1 hour or 30 mins most nights, you do one or two evenings when you get them all in?

100%

I had similar manipulations from my husband and my mother-in-law when I was trying to get back to work. The amount of pressure they put on me manipulating with “mom’s guilt” was enormous but I didn’t care. Why should my life and career be over because WE decided to have a child?

I have a rule - I NEVER fully rely on a man. I want to be financially independent. Of course when we get married we all believe in “death do us parts” but life is long and if anything happens to our marriage in the future I will be independent with my own career, income, savings, pension etc.

Don't stop work he's being controlling and doesn't want to parent his own children.
It's nice for you to have your own money.

Your DH is being an idiot and his weaponising of the children is not on. HOWEVER, is some of his frustration because he gets home from work and then has to parent on his own (they’re his children, I know) and you all miss out on family time? I don’t think you should give up work but have you maybe looked at supply teaching so you’re earning money and keeping your teaching skills fresh but also not using all of your evenings, or even condensing your tutoring into two evenings a week?

I’ll be honest, I work full time and if DH then used the time when I got home every evening to work from home (which can be quite disruptive, I do it myself) then I’d probably get irritated too.

I think whilst they’re little, surely this is perfect? It’s not all about money, keeping your brain going and a toe in what you do is very helpful long term!