Husband wants me to stop working

[3boysandadog23]

I’ve always wanted to be a SAHM and it is my main job. I also do private tutoring for 7 hours a week, which has gradually built up, an hour here, and hour there which my husband, usually, will then look after the children. Mondays 6-7pm, Fridays 17:00- 19:30, Thursdays afterschool for a few hours when my in-laws come and then a few hours in the evenings once my 3 children are in bed (ages 7,5 and 2).

My husband is a higher earner and although the money I earn is useful we don’t desperately need it. Means we can have a few extra holidays/ save some money into a pension for me. He has said that I really should appreciate the time with the children whilst they’re small and stop teaching so we have more nice family time together. He has started to get quite unsupportive about my teaching and today said to my two year old ‘you can’t go to mummy, she’s teaching as that’s what she’s chosen to do’.

I half love teaching and do it for my own sake to give me something else to focus on in life, and I really do love earning a bit of money. But I also get what he’s saying. If we don’t need me to do it why am I? But I just feel a bit hurt that he’s not supporting me. I just don’t know whether I should be annoyed that he’s not supporting me or whether I’m thinking too much into it. He says there’s plenty of time for me to earn money once my children are a bit older. Anyone else in a similar situation or have any thoughts? Thank you!

This ship has a big waving red flag on it!

If you give up you'll lose touch with the market and lose your contacts that you've built up over the years.

I'm in a similar setup although I do other work on top of tutoring and there's no high earner. I've always found that my partner doesn't cope very well with looking after our kids when it is time that mentally he sees as his 'time off'. So Saturdays for example are always a bit tense - he wants to do other stuff but is stuck parenting. Over the years I've just continually pointed out that I'm similarly frustrated when he's working.... and that there's no such thing as time off!

Your partner is definitely trying to wriggle out of parenting duty/bedtime etc. He probably imagines that if you don't work he won't have to do any parenting and you'll cook his dinner and then throw yourself at his feet because he's such a big important man 😂

Twat

He has started to get quite unsupportive about my teaching and today said to my two year old ‘you can’t go to mummy, she’s teaching as that’s what she’s chosen to do’.

This would boil my blood.

I also think it sounds like he doesn't want to parent his own children. And/or he wants you financially dependent on him. Red flags op

Also you enjoy it! Are you not allowed a hobby? He wants you to spend that time on fitness? So stay sexy for him?

My immediate thought was that he doesn’t want to look after the kids.

So does he want you to stop because he thinks you should be spending time with the children or does he want you to stop because he thinks you should use that tutoring time for yourself like going to the gym?

It can't be both, he has used two excuses that contradic each other.

He just doesn't want to parent his own children op, you know this, plus making comments like that to your children is abusive, he needs to be told how inappropriate and wrong his attitude is.

Can't you change your Tuesday person to a Mon or Thurs? It's hassle to have to prep and arrange stuff for only half an hour surely? It takes your whole evening out when you're thinking "I've got work"

And is he trying to exercise you or did you complain you don't have time and you want to do it?

Don't give up the teaching. All sounds a bit weird and controlling to me.

Tbh I think I'd agree with him to his face and tell him I'd found a gym and booked yourself in for the same or more tutoring slots and find a quite cafe to continue my tutoring whilst popping that money into a private pension/savings.

This man is not decent op.

Is that really his argument? The evidence says very much differently. next time he says you can’t go to mummy, you say I thought you said if I stopped teaching I’d have that time to exercise or for me. But it sounds like you will just make passive aggressive comments about how I’m neglecting my children, because you don’t feel like spending some time with them.

SEVEN HOURS??!!

Some men spend that amount of time on the toilet having a dump over the course of a week. It's such a piddly amount of time, it's not even worth thinking about. The effect on the children is absolutely minimal. The effect it has on YOU on the other hand is enormous - on your self esteem, your future career prospects, and probably your stress levels too (idk about you, but work always feels like a nice break to me).

Actually, no, the effect on your children is not minimal... the effect on your children is probably positive, because having that in your life no doubt puts you in a better frame of mind for parenting them.

He is being massively unfair.

If he's so worried about the children, why isn't HE reducing his hours? That would be much fairer.

He is a sexist pig.
I would be looking for more sustainable work, not considering dropping it any less.

If you divorce, will there be a good pension for you in the future?

I'm a sahm although I'm planning to return to work once dd2 gets nursery hours next year. I get your DH's point, I would never consider working those hours as it's outside of standard nursery hours so you'd always be dependent on DH or family for childcare. Which is cheaper of course, but I'd rather get a job during the working day when nurseries and wraparound care are available. That sort of time is our dinner/homework/ferrying to after-school activities time so it will be hard to sustain it with 2 dcs as they get older (we have one of us looking after youngest while I take my eldest to clubs as it finishes too late for her to tag along, and in the future they will need ferrying by one parent each to different places). And it's also nice to just regroup as a family and eat dinner as a family and chat about our day, and play board games together. And if you ever did split up it would be hard to maintain as a single parent because childcare is harder to get in those hours (my sister has had the same issue as she worked in retail but couldn't continue after divorce as they always wanted her to work evenings and weekends). It would be sensible to opt for work during hours when childcare is most easily available.

So I think it's great to keep up with working and developing skills but those hours aren't ideal especially when dcs get older.

If the issue are evenings, he should be reframing it as “let’s look if those hours work for our family”. My children’s other parent doesn’t get to be annoyed by my working hours - last week I finished at 7pm twice, 10pm four times, and the other day was a 11:30pm finish. There are industries where those are the hours everyone works, regardless of having children or not.

Edit to add - no, not every week is like that with 7/7 late nights, but at least 3-4 days a week you will miss bedtimes, because such is life. With 2 parents at home, one shouldn’t be made to feel guilty for leaving them with the other while they work, regardless of the time of day.

The crux of the matter here is the difference between equality and equity.

Does he understand just how disadvantaged women are due to the "motherhood penalty" which is very real, and is he prepared to proceed on the basis of financial equity in order to keep a sense of balance (including power balance) in the marriage?

This would mean that you both have equal pension provision and disposable income. It doesn't matter who earns it. Equity is key.

It is also essential in preserving your sense of self value and indeed his sense of respect towards your worth.

Some couple counselling might be really helpful for you both before you make such a huge move.

I think it's good to continue working, as everybody says.
But, looking at your schedule - you have a most evenings filled with tutoring, and it possibly does take away from family time - not just with the kids - but with all of you.
Assuming kids are at school/nursery until about 4 - they only get a benefit of SAHM for a limited time, really.

So - maybe there is a way to optimise, and maybe reduce the time a bit? Do limit day time tutoring to two days - say Monday/Thursdays? Get rid of Friday - to keep it as family time. Keep your evening slots. Or something similar.

Don't give up your career. My controlling ex-husband wanted me to do just this and thank goodness I didn't. I needed every penny when I left him and also to establish myself again and supoort my sons. Never become entirely financially dependent on anyone.

I agree.

I would be a bit peeved if my DH was a SAHD but then chose to be busy during the times the kids came home from school.

It would mean him seeing his kids less than if he just had a normal job.

I personally would prefer a daytime job or work less days in the evenings and then see my kids after school more.

The youngest child sees you all day. He doesn’t see any of them all day and doesn’t feel guilty: what difference does it make what time of day it occurs? He’s seeing them far less himself! He’s using that argument to make you feel guilty. You are entitled to do work which fulfils you and gives you some income so you aren’t reliant on him.

I'm a SAHM and I also tutor in the evenings, similar hours to you but I only have a one year old. My husband really enjoys the one on one time with her on the evenings I tutor (x3 a week) and I love hearing them playing or doing bath time together. I think you should reframe things with your husband that it's important for him to have bonding time with the children without you there so he can get to enjoy them when they are small too and they can build on their relationship outside of you.

To me seems like he wants an easy life with you looking after the kids and him not having to do anything 🤨🙄 Aside from this I would have to think very carefully before deciding to give up my financial independence for anyone/anything...

Spend nice time with family? Sure they are in bed through some of it.
Nope! Don't do it. Do not be financially dependable on someone else if you can help it x

The hours are quite restrictive
his comments would piss me off

my friend does private tutoring during the day for kids that aren’t in school but get private tutoring via the department of education she loves it