Husband wants me to stop working

[3boysandadog23]

I’ve always wanted to be a SAHM and it is my main job. I also do private tutoring for 7 hours a week, which has gradually built up, an hour here, and hour there which my husband, usually, will then look after the children. Mondays 6-7pm, Fridays 17:00- 19:30, Thursdays afterschool for a few hours when my in-laws come and then a few hours in the evenings once my 3 children are in bed (ages 7,5 and 2).

My husband is a higher earner and although the money I earn is useful we don’t desperately need it. Means we can have a few extra holidays/ save some money into a pension for me. He has said that I really should appreciate the time with the children whilst they’re small and stop teaching so we have more nice family time together. He has started to get quite unsupportive about my teaching and today said to my two year old ‘you can’t go to mummy, she’s teaching as that’s what she’s chosen to do’.

I half love teaching and do it for my own sake to give me something else to focus on in life, and I really do love earning a bit of money. But I also get what he’s saying. If we don’t need me to do it why am I? But I just feel a bit hurt that he’s not supporting me. I just don’t know whether I should be annoyed that he’s not supporting me or whether I’m thinking too much into it. He says there’s plenty of time for me to earn money once my children are a bit older. Anyone else in a similar situation or have any thoughts? Thank you!

@Callmemummynotmaaa I had the exact same thoughts n my husband regularly has to work evenings as part of his job and this is my last favourite time of the day.

If he was just doing this for a little bit of money we didn't need then I definitely think we would be having the conversation around is it worth it etc.

That being said, if the OP would like to continue her role her DH should respect and support that decision.

I don't think he should have made the comment to the child that was inappropriate. But the hours that you are working are really the most intense part of the day for me as a parent (we've 4 kids) and my husband and I both prefer doing the evenings together with the kids- so even though I get the "he doesn't want to parent" argument, presumably he's at work all day, and then caring for the kids all evening? And you are a SAHM but you have 2 children at school all day- is it possible that you could work some daytime hours instead, and then have more family time in the evenings?

@3boysandadog23

“And you are a SAHM but you have 2 children at school all day- is it possible that you could work some daytime hours instead, and then have more family time in the evenings?”

might be a good option Op?

Him making a comment like that to a two year old shows that he’s resentful and wants you to know it, he isn’t thinking about you “having time for yourself” at all. Unless you would really rather not be working, don’t give it up on his say so.

He can’t tell you to spend more time with DC when he doesn’t. Keep doing it, it’s good to have something you do that’s not you being a mum, and keeps your hand in so you can work more when kids are older - assuming you want to of course. I kept working even though we could easily live on DH’s salary and am so glad I did.

Yes, maybe he is a bit resentful. I think I would be, too! Tutoring might not be the best job for the moment, if it has to be scheduled for this time of the day and so many days a week. If it could be consolidated, it would make more sense and interfere less with the family's opportunity for time spent together.

I couldn’t respect a man who said that to me quite frankly.

I stopped working at my partners request. He wanted my job to be “Him. Us”. But I’m 50, no shared kids, financially independent for the rest of my life. I love my life. Only do it if it benefits you in every way.

Wow. Next time he says something like that I'd say 'or YOU could go part time and spend more time with your own children!'

I would NOT tolerate his nastiness, he is a misogynist who thinks you main job should be the mother. Nip this in the bud OP, right now!!! Especially him putting you down in front of the children. What a prick! That is manipulative, cruel and inexcusable. He'd do that once with me, just once, and the snapback would be so harsh he'd get whiplash and never do that ever again! Does he have any redeeming qualities at all?

This makes no sense, so he is trying to guilt you by telling your child they cant see you as you chose to work, whilst also saying give up the work so you can have time to yourself or for exercise. So which is it? Would you get time to yourself? Or is it really just to stop him having to parent.

As others have pointed out, men cheat, die or leave all the time and it really would be unwise to take yourself out of the employment market for any length of time. I also wonder if you are making sure out of those joint funds, that your pension pot is as healthy as his is, because this is another VERY good reason to stay working.

Too many people give up financial independence or keeping relevant in the workplace only to be screwed down the line, having those few hours a week it just makes sense. It wont hurt him to parent for a few hours (as he is a parent, he isnt looking after them like its a favour, its literally his job too).

This. Total arse.

This is exactly it.

She's a tutor;she kids she tutors will be at school or in bed themselves during the hours your suggesting;this isn't about making the husbands life easier so he doesn't have to solo parent for less than 10 hours a week this is about the OP having the right to work too.

Why are so many people on here keen for women to essentially be domestic drudges enslaving themselves to the patriarchy???

He is being incredibly selfish. Do not under any circumstances stop working. Put your big girl pants on and tell him that you will carry on working and he needs to bloody well step up and parent his own children. Many women work full time and I strongly suggest that’s what you aim for. You are worth so much more than a woman who does what her DH tells her to do.

He has said that I really should appreciate the time with the children whilst they’re small and stop teaching so we have more nice family time together.

Perhaps he should appreciate the time with the children while they're small and stop moaning about having to look after them solo for a few hours a week.
What a dick

This is about control. He doesn't want you to be independent. He wants you to do what he says.

Why can't he parent his children for the few hours that you are tutoring? Is is incapable of it?

Why does you being unavailable to the children during that time matter more than him being unavailable all day?

Control and his ego. He likes to be seen as the big man and you are the little woman. Know your place and get back in your lane. That's what's going on in his head.

The pensions, presumably both of your funds are of a similar size?

You so realise that people who need tutors are invariably ar school during the day don't you.

As for the rest of your comment - shame on you!

And presumably people who need tutors are at school during the day 🤣🤣 What a great idea. Offer to tutor people when they aren't available!

Men who say shit like this are a massive, walking red flag.

Absolutely this.

It makes my hackles rise just thinking about arseholes like this.

He has started to get quite unsupportive about my teaching and today said to my two year old ‘you can’t go to mummy, she’s teaching as that’s what she’s chosen to do’.

I've only just seen this.
I would hit the fucking roof if my husband said this.

I really hope you made it clear that it's unacceptable? @3boysandadog23

So you were already putting into your pension from the family pot?
If so that's good but I doubt it matches his pension.

I'll be honest I suspect he just doesn't want to look after his own kids, he's happy for you to work if it does affect his lifestyle

What everyone said about not wanting to do the childcare - I agree. Surely as a SAHM if you want to join a gym or do something for yourself you can do that during the day. Once the kids are out of school you are with them from 3-4 hours a day, even on the days you're working, your weekends are free, you finish at a reasonable time so you can spend the evening together...the only rational explanation is that he doesn't want to parent alone.

But why is defining what “time for yourself” should mean to you? You are choosing to use this “time for yourself” to teach. He clams you could use the time for something else but why not use it for teaching? I would argue that if you start being out of the house at these exact times doing exercise for example, he would also have a problem with that. He just sees any childcare as your responsibility and not his.

Please don't.

Motherhood is the most beautiful life, it is also the most testing, most exhausting, yet one day they will become independent, and then what? What do you do?

You're a mother. Motherhood will always be one of your main priorities, you're also a priority.

You cannot provide oxygen to a child if you haven't put your own mask on......

You have to for your own MH wellbeing find a balance and if you've hit yours then you need to explain to husband. Fully and honestly. If he still doesn't back off then I don't know cos I personally don't like conflict.