Husband wants me to stop working

[3boysandadog23]

I’ve always wanted to be a SAHM and it is my main job. I also do private tutoring for 7 hours a week, which has gradually built up, an hour here, and hour there which my husband, usually, will then look after the children. Mondays 6-7pm, Fridays 17:00- 19:30, Thursdays afterschool for a few hours when my in-laws come and then a few hours in the evenings once my 3 children are in bed (ages 7,5 and 2).

My husband is a higher earner and although the money I earn is useful we don’t desperately need it. Means we can have a few extra holidays/ save some money into a pension for me. He has said that I really should appreciate the time with the children whilst they’re small and stop teaching so we have more nice family time together. He has started to get quite unsupportive about my teaching and today said to my two year old ‘you can’t go to mummy, she’s teaching as that’s what she’s chosen to do’.

I half love teaching and do it for my own sake to give me something else to focus on in life, and I really do love earning a bit of money. But I also get what he’s saying. If we don’t need me to do it why am I? But I just feel a bit hurt that he’s not supporting me. I just don’t know whether I should be annoyed that he’s not supporting me or whether I’m thinking too much into it. He says there’s plenty of time for me to earn money once my children are a bit older. Anyone else in a similar situation or have any thoughts? Thank you!

My first thought 🤔

Don't stop working. He's trying to manipulate you and using your child to do it. He has an agenda. I think you need to keep your toe in the water and maintain some independent.

I’ve been in an almost identical situation to you, SAHM mum picking up a few hours tutoring in the evenings, DH a big earner able to support us without me earning. The key difference is that my DH was always very supportive. He recognised that me working was important to me and was happy to cover the childcare while I did it. I’m now in the middle of my teacher training and, while it’s pretty exhausting with both of us working and trying to keep on top of things at home too, he is 100% behind me. I can’t help feeling that your DH is trying to keep you in your place, at home and completely dependent on him.

I regret paying next to nothing into my pension in my almost SAHM years. He needs to realise that you are not just there to look after the children fgs.

You're doing something that you enjoy and that makes you happy.

Forget the money - why doesn't he want that for you?

So, he’s emotionally manipulative, and doesn’t understand the importance of you maintaining skills which would enable you to re enter the workforce if needed.

This is very worrying.
OP, you’d be very very foolish to stop working.

Another one here who thinks he's trying to control you OP. Yes, he might be earning well right now, but what if he suddenly falls for his secretary, and decides she's more important than you and your family. Where would that leave you? Would you be able to go straight back to the career you had before you had children? Would he pay for their care, etc., once they're no longer under his nose every night? Would you be left unable to afford ANY holidays, or possibly in a position where you virtually have to beg him for every penny just to keep a roof over yours and the children's heads? I've been where you are now OP, I gave up my career, to be a stay at home Mum, little did I dream that eleven years down the line, we'd be divorced, and with no recent work experience, getting even a minimum wage job was difficult. I also had no credit in my own name, and no 'No Claims Bonus' on my car. Life became a NIGHTMARE for me, but if only I'd done what you're doing now, I feel sure, things would have been VERY different! So please don't give up your work just because he doesn't like you doing it.

Also, I don't think I know of any woman who has had children, who at some point hasn't thought to themself, OK, well I'm X's wife, and Y's Mum, but who the hell am I? The vast number of women enjoy having at the very least a little bit of time when they can do some sort of work, earn a bit of money for themselves, and feel that they are still SOMEONE, other than being a wife and mother.

Think about it!

I’ll openly admit that these are my least favorite hours of parenting. I’m just back to work after Mat leave and one of the things I’m loving most is my early starts - I’m on shift by 7 two days per week. Which means I can get Up shower (by myself) out and a cuppa and no chaotic school run. Similarly due to lates I miss a bedtime. Work is absolutely easier than being the parent at those hours.

Im not saying this makes his dissatisfaction ok. Just saying id likely be a bit grumpy if the shoe was on my foot too (the timings for us would be story - and that end of day when everyone is knackered tired, no one is listening and occasionally it takes 40 mins to out on pj’s and brush teeth can be so lovely, or a nightmare! And I can understand the temptation to either outsource it OR feel that if you are sharing it, that the time away be used for something nice).

In our relationship the fact is that for us to share those hours - dh could likely come home and be present but he’d have to go back to work again after (cos that’s the reality of his working week).

Is there any chance if finance isn’t the motivator that the kids could do afterschool or have a minder one day post school (collect, homework, play, dinner) and you could bank 4-5 hours then in an afternoon? And maybe do a weekend am or one eve per week on top (covered by dh). Is it that doing little bits each day actually feels like more (only asking as I discovered it does for me!).

Or is he just being selfish and not considering your wants longer term?

‘you can’t go to mummy, she’s teaching as that’s what she’s chosen to do’.

What a manipulative prick! And dragging your child into it like this??

Not only should you not quit, you should find a FT job. Don't let yourself be dependent on a man who holds you and your work in such contempt.

He just doesn't want to parent.

Oh and how did he plan to fund YOUR pension if you quit working? You can't replace these years to invest and save. Saying you'll bulk up later doesn't have the same compounding effect as saving early.

In your OP you also mentioned a friday evening stint. In which case, its every weekday evening except Wednesdays, which i must admit would annoy me a bit....

Your husband is manipulative. What he said to his child about you choosing to work is unacceptable and completely hypocritical.

Do not give up work on his say so, absolutely not. You need a little financial independence, and keeping your foot in the door, especially given your husband is controlling and manipulative.

It’s a few hours a week, FGS! Is he serious? I’d be telling him to stop being so fucking stupid.

He has started to get quite unsupportive about my teaching and today said to my two year old ‘you can’t go to mummy, she’s teaching as that’s what she’s chosen to do’.

I wouldn't trust anyone who would make such comments to my children in this manner. Absolutely disgusting.

Which means you need to keep working to ensure you can support yourself should you decide to divorce the arsehole down the line.

Do not give up your job. He wants you to take care of the kids because he can't be arsed, but he's coded it as family time. I can bet the moment you sit down with them, he will sod off and do something else.

Stand your ground.

If I were you OP, I’d be inclined to increase my hours as he seems to be wanting everything on his needs. You need to do additional hours if that’s what you want and need to feel fulfilled. He needs to be more of a hands on Dad imo.

This. What an awful, disgusting thing to say. And so damaging for your poor child. He doesn’t care if he hurts your child as long as he gets his nasty little dig in.

He is not a good person Op.

I’d be increasing my hours.

Never give up your independence. Husbands can die, get sick or run off with anotherI woman. It is a measly 3.5 hours a week. It sounds like he doesn't like stepping up rather than worrying about you missing out. Let me see, he misses out on at least 40 hours a week with the children now. You'd think he'd be dying to spend those 3.5 hours a week with the children, you know so he doesn't miss out on those years which speed by.

Seven hours a week is hardly anything. He sounds very selfish. Firstly if you really enjoy it he should be all for it not being nasty. Secondly he should look after his own kids for seven hours a week rather than moaning about it. I'm outraged on your behalf. Carry on with it and also start an escape fund. Are you tutoring online? If so have you thought about expanding a little bit? If you did group tuition you could take say 3 children for the hour, charge each a slightly lower amount than you would charge for a single child but overall get more for the hour. For your escape fund. Slightly off the point I know but it just occurred to me.

So sorry to go off topic here, and ignore me if you wish. But I'm a SAHM and a qualified tutor. I would love to go back to work soon with similar hours but have had a falling out with my last employer so no chance of going back there. Do you work for yourself or a company? And if you work for yourself how did you go about advertising yourself? On topic though, do what you need to make yourself happy or you'll end up resenting him and that will be worse for your relationship.

Mondays 6-7pm, Fridays 17:00- 19:30, Thursdays afterschool for a few hours

I can sort of see where he’s coming from.

You’re a SAHP but 2 of your kids are in school all day and when they come home, that’s when you choose to work.

You spend less time with the kids than a SAHP does, but you are still classed a SAHP.

If it was me, I would be working either during the day or once the kids were in bed.

That way I would get to keep my job and spend as much time with my kids as possible.

‘He has said that I really should appreciate the time with the children whilst they’re small’. I know it’s been pointed out. But this is total bullshit. The patriarchy is strong in your house. He clearly sees it as an inconvenience to him. I’m sorry if this is grim reading but he isn’t as loving as you seem to be presenting him as.

Why can’t you do it because you want to do it? What about him using it as spending quality time with the kids he hasn’t seen all day?

Why can’t he trust that you’re capable of managing your time and doing what you enjoy without him trying to tell you what to do?

I’m always suspicious of men who discourage their wives from working. Red flag.

My ex made comments like that to our DC when I was retraining. I only heard about it years later. I think that kind of talk is a whopping red flag so don't be tempted to overlook it. We're divorced now but the financial fallout was humongous, so I would always advise a woman to protect herself by continuing to work and maintaining skills. Do you get child benefit and if so who receives it, as that will maintain your state pension contributions as long as it comes to you. Hope for the best but plan for the worst.

The most benign-seeming men seem to have control issues. It's disturbing how common it is.

He goes to work for 8-9 hours every weekday