Partner and female co worker

[Luciev]

A short back story so you don’t think I’m weird - my previous parter of 12 years struck up a friendship with a women at work. I didn’t mind because I felt confident in our relationship. Fast forward 6 months - he left me for her. She was 15 years younger. I didn’t see it coming. Naive ? Maybe. So when my partner of 5 years struck up a friendship with a woman at work I felt a tinge of dread - but as they were just talking at work on teams I didn’t see the problem until he said he was meeting her outside work for coffee. I said I felt uncomfortable with that as I don’t know her, and after my last experience I felt it was a bad idea. I looked at their text exchange and she was asking him how tall he was , saying how much they have in common and he said he liked her and had a connection. He agreed not to meet outside work and also to cool it with the texting up and down, sharing selfies etc outside work. Fast forward 3 months , I went to Spain with my female friend of years, while I was away they met up for a two hour dog walk. He didn’t tell me , but I had a feeling he would do it so I asked him outright - he hesitated and then said yes he did. And that she also knew I was away. I find this duplicitous behaviour. So I said that if the friendship is so important then go for it but he can do it as a single man. Apparently I am hysterical and over the top. But honestly it brings back all the humiliation as before. So he has now told her he can’t see her outside work because it creates anxiety for me and this makes it difficult for him She was very disappointed and is keen to pursue the friendship and can’t understand what the fuss is about.
have I been unreasonable ?

The damage is already done in my opinion. He's dishonest and I think history is repeating itself.

Make plans to split- no trust, no relationship!

Not at all hysterical OP. He’s either sleep walking into an affair or dipping his toe in the water to see if things move along.

The man is so audacious that he's trying to date a new bird under wife's nose!
And imo the work colleague is brazenly pursuing your H. What sort of woman finds out that the friendship is making the wife uncomfortable and instead of backing off, comes over for a "walk" when the wife is away???
I've had work friendships over the years. It's just not on.

Hmmm walking into it eyes wide open

You are absolutely not unreasonable. That woman is after your partner. And he is clearly interested as why would he pursue this knowing you are uncomfortable about it. I would leave him before he leaves you for her. They have probably already been intimate most likely. Especially meeting up behind your back while you were out the country.

I'm quite laid back about stuff but this would have me reacting the same way. Sending selfies to each other too seems weird too. I wonder how he would feel if you were sending pictures to a younger male work colleague and meeting them behind his back. I think women have a good intuition about other women's intentions in situations like this, where men can be a bit dense. 🙈 I hope that you are OK.

A friendship? Fine

Nonsense about having a "connection " and meeting up for secret walks? Absolutely not.

So when they were messaging over team can I presume her asking how tall he was is because they had not actually met in person?

It's practically internet dating, and then they meet up - trust your instincts, something is brewing here, whether he wants to admit it or not

I don’t think you’re unreasonable. It sounds like an affair in the making tbh. Really he needs to change jobs. If he can’t see this creeping into your lives or is letting it in that’s a big issue. X

I think going slightly against the grain that there is room for a bit more nuance here. In a long term relationship people are bound to go through crushes … it’s normal. it’s how they manage them and obviously whether they act on them which counts. I would firmly maintain the boundary of no outside work contact to give your partner a chance to control that crush and for it to run its course. If he continues to push the boundaries and to fib to you then of course you can’t put up with that.

You aren’t anxious or hysterical, you are picking up on it sooner than a lot of women would purely because you have been burnt before.
He will accuse you of being anxious, uncool, etc right now because nothing physical has taken place. Yet.

She thinks “you’re crazy” becasue that is the picture he has painted. He should have your back.
but also if I was friends with a guy, unless I thought there was abuse, I would back away from the friendship if it was upsetting his gf/partner.

He is slimy lying bastard. Get rid.

My dp has women pals who are colleagues and they've come for dinner, pop in for a coffee, they've visited us when our babies were tiny for baby cuddles.
They've equally met up for lunch alone many times. Before he's gone I've said "send my love to sally" because its never once been a secret. And never once have I felt that dread in my belly I'm being cheated on.

Your partners secrecy is the red flag. If he's lying he's preparing to cheat.
Get rid and do not let him gaslight you that you're paranoid or unreasonable. He is a snake.
Walk away head held high you didn't put up with his twattishness.

This relationship is dead in the water now. I couldn’t be arsed with policing my bloke’s behaviour and worrying about who he’s seeing. No trust = no relationship for me. Time to throw him back.

I understand why you feel the way you do based on your previous experience.

But controlling your partners friendships is really unhealthy.

You either trust him or you don't and if you don't the relationship is doomed.

It seems like they're playing mindgames, and making you out to be paranoid and insecure. They both sound horrible. For your own sanity, walk away.

Yanbu op.

He on the other hand is a sneaky untrustworthy twat.

Leave him, you can do so much better

My husband has a few female friends at work. They sometimes text about non-work things. The friend they has left He will meet for
lunch/ drink/ dinner every now and then. However… it’s really clearly work-orientated friendship. I can’t imagine why he’d be texting about liking them (although I’m sure he does, or Why would they meet!) they know how tall he is (because they’re friends?!)etc.

your husband is acting strangely and you’re right to be unhappy. It’s unnerving for anyone,
even more so for you.

It does not matter what your partner and the other woman are thinking/doing/planning. Your partner knows your history. he knows how much it hurt you. He should want to make you feel more secure in your relationship, not less by taunting you with this.

Its time to leave him, let them be and move on. My ex DH did the same with someone 10 years his senior. They were just friends, when i found out about the 'friendship' and asked him to leave he moved straight in with her.

That's nearly 10 years ago now, I'm in a relationship with someone who values us before a woman at work. Oddly he has female friends but I have never wondered if its more, he shows me every day that I come first. You can and will find better. Dont wait the inevitable.

I’m not even going to pretend I’d be ok about it. I’ve been with my husband 15 years I am confident and secure he only has eyes for me… would I be happy with a female coming in to change how I feel? Absolutely not.

I’m so sorry op, fist of all I think being flirty and sending selfies to another woman is already over the line of being a friend but especially with your history a loving partner would be extra vigilant not to bring back awful memories and anxiety for you and he clearly has no care for these very valid feelings.

You are not being unreasonable. In fact, I admire the way you handled it. This endless title of women being 'hysterical' really should be challenged every step of the way. You did right. Stick to your guns, follow your gut feelings and let rip. But, be prepared to deal with the fall out. Sounds like she is doing 'the come' and, like most weak males, your DP is just following the scent of the bait. Pathetic. You are worth far more. Stick to you beliefs.

There’s nothing cool about not being controlling. I’m sorry for you and the op for bad behaviour in the past but neither of you have the right to dictate partner’s friendship. Maybe before getting into other relationships you should have therapy to deal with trust issues as while it’s understandable it is controlling behaviour and will destroy future relationships. If the sexes were reversed people would go mad at a man dictating a woman’s friendship. There is no way I would let my husband tell me who I can and can’t be friends with. The previous partner’s infidelity is not the fault of the new one.

Trust your gut. Friends don’t have to talk about the fact that they’re friends, let alone talk about a ‘connection’. She’s after him and he’s enjoying it. He shouldn’t need you to tell him not to carry on a flirtation outside work, and he shouldn’t be telling her that you’ve told him to stop. It only reassures her that he’s attracted to her and that you’re jealous.

That’s hugely disrespectful. Get rid.