Partner and female co worker

[Luciev]

A short back story so you don’t think I’m weird - my previous parter of 12 years struck up a friendship with a women at work. I didn’t mind because I felt confident in our relationship. Fast forward 6 months - he left me for her. She was 15 years younger. I didn’t see it coming. Naive ? Maybe. So when my partner of 5 years struck up a friendship with a woman at work I felt a tinge of dread - but as they were just talking at work on teams I didn’t see the problem until he said he was meeting her outside work for coffee. I said I felt uncomfortable with that as I don’t know her, and after my last experience I felt it was a bad idea. I looked at their text exchange and she was asking him how tall he was , saying how much they have in common and he said he liked her and had a connection. He agreed not to meet outside work and also to cool it with the texting up and down, sharing selfies etc outside work. Fast forward 3 months , I went to Spain with my female friend of years, while I was away they met up for a two hour dog walk. He didn’t tell me , but I had a feeling he would do it so I asked him outright - he hesitated and then said yes he did. And that she also knew I was away. I find this duplicitous behaviour. So I said that if the friendship is so important then go for it but he can do it as a single man. Apparently I am hysterical and over the top. But honestly it brings back all the humiliation as before. So he has now told her he can’t see her outside work because it creates anxiety for me and this makes it difficult for him She was very disappointed and is keen to pursue the friendship and can’t understand what the fuss is about.
have I been unreasonable ?

I don’t think you are over reacting and I say this as a woman whose partner has female friends and co workers. My partner worked in a very female led environment for many years and none of his work relationships ever gave me this feeling, he was just open about who he spoke to and was happy for me to meet them, no weird vibes, no saying they looked good. He has left now he has another job with more men and he just treats everyone the same and talks about them the same way male or female. You do not sound controlling you sound savvy enough to know something is off. I think it’s a good boundary to lay out to him. I’m sorry this sounds shit for you

Of course it's a bit suss, but the conclusion is that he doesn't value your relationship, not that it's reasonable to try and keep the relationship going by keeping an eye on him all the time. The [justifiable] paranoia would eat you away.

That’s true it would eventually do that.

Look...I've been the female colleague. And I don't think guys do all that texting stuff unless they think there's something in it for them. There were a lot of vibes between us, and while nothing physical happened it was massively over the line and inappropriate.

You're not wrong. I'm sorry.

@Nogaxeh I don’t think the OP is trying to keep the relationship going she has told him to choose I think that’s reasonable, she gave him a chance to put a stop to it when she explained how she felt about it when she first discovered it and he didn’t listen. I don’t think she has gone about this in the wrong way. Giving your partner one benefit of the doubt is ok, now she isn’t anymore

Thank you for the honesty. I do believe they are vibing. The messages were just OTT and massive red flags came up.

Sorry, but he is very clearly into her. Otherwise, he wouldn't bother. This friendship speech he is giving to you is just a lame excuse. Men don't need to have female friends. It's the truth. He finds her good-looking and he is attracted to her. He is testing the waters, and by the sound of it, she is also interested.

You are wasting your time with him.

If she was heavier or/and much older or really ugly, he wouldn't be messaging her and going for long walks with her. That's for sure.

It sucks, but the situation is crystal clear. He is gaslighting you when he tells you that you are overreacting.

No conversation can fix this. He is actively pursuing this "friendship " and lying to you. It's only a matter of time... I would end it now and move on with my life.

Prioritise yourself.

Thank you - that’s what I did and believe me , I am not going through that again - being the last one to know. I am not afraid of being alone - he will be out on his arse when it suits me.

What @CocoPlum @Deedee558 and@Diarygirlqueen have said 🙋‍♀️

Honestly @Luciev if I read back our messages...all day every day, nights, mornings, weekends, literally hundreds of messages a day sometimes.

Maybe to the untrained eye it wouldn't look too bad...but we both knew what we meant when we said or sent certain things.

You sound like you know what you're doing and I'm not going to make this about me. Good luck. I admire your boundaries as somehow he absolutely dismantled mine.

The hero thing is interesting- I was in a really vulnerable place for various reasons, and he fucking loved it.

If my DH said he had a connection with someone else he’d be out the door!

I would say I’m a cool wife by Mumsnet standards. DH has always had good relationships with female colleagues and friends over the years but no secret texting, we all meet up, including them staying over and friends with us both on social media, plus any partners and it’s the same for me.

The worst bit would be X made cakes for her birthday and sent one for you, but I ate it on the way home.

I have plenty of male friends so it’s the same for him.

Yes he did dismantle your boundaries just as my previous partner of 12 years did. Not happening again.

This is healthy. This is what I had when we were in Germany. It was perfect ! This situation is not.

um I ask myself asking this question a lot. Why are you still with this loser? It would have been over for me. Nobody meets up for a 2 hour dog walk with a colleague from teams in the circumstances you describe.

What I would find most disappointing is that he knows the history and would still choose to behave like this. My ex partner

So he has now told her he can’t see her outside work because it creates anxiety for me and this makes it difficult for him She was very disappointed and is keen to pursue the friendship and can’t understand what the fuss is about.

Honestly this paragraph alone would make me finish with him, even if they didn't fancy each other (which they do)!! Who fuck do they think they are?

I bloody bet she's keen to pursue the "friendship".

How can you ever trust him if you go away again?

He's already half out the door. Makes me so angry and sad for you.

Yeah op he is very much into her and you know it, we all know it. Tell him it's you or her and his reaction will be deciding factor on your relationship. What a couple of dicks.

@TodayandThursday well he has to set up OP as the bad guy here because he can’t admit to his co worker that being in a serious long term relationship and flirting with a co worker that you admit to finding attractive is crap behaviour. This is the worst bit, that he is making OP out to be some irrational damaged woman who can’t handle a little dog walk… he is gaslighting you OP and testing your boundaries to see what you will put up with

Don't drag it out OP, or the moment will never be right. Just get rid of him, while you still have the power and self respect.

Thank you @TheLever you posted much more articulately what I was trying to express.

It gives me the rage on OP's behalf. How dare he. OP please leave this guy.

That’s exactly why I am asking you all AIBU because I was feeling irrational and hysterical. I know in my gut I am right - there are little things I remember , like he closes his office door and so I burst in and he is on teams with her - FaceTime for an hour. They are vibing - who else drives for 1 hour to go walk the dog for 2 hours ??

Nah, he’s taking the fucking piss

This for me is key, OP. My DH has a good friend at work; she’s younger than him, and attractive. But if I wanted to join them when they meet (outside of work), I could. I mean, I wouldn’t want to, but I could. And that means I’m okay with it — NOT because I’m a ‘cool wife’ but because there’s no vibe, to use your expression. And the vibe is everything.

Grossly I assume he has been test driving this woman to see if she is a good fit. I assume this is what people are doing when exploring an emotional connection with a new person before jumping from a relationship, or deciding to stay with their partner if the new person doesn’t make the grade. I wouldn’t spend too much energy being angry at her. She does know about you, but through his lens of what he portrays that makes him look like the nice guy. If it’s not physical then it’s an emotional affair by the sounds of things.