Partner and female co worker

[Luciev]

A short back story so you don’t think I’m weird - my previous parter of 12 years struck up a friendship with a women at work. I didn’t mind because I felt confident in our relationship. Fast forward 6 months - he left me for her. She was 15 years younger. I didn’t see it coming. Naive ? Maybe. So when my partner of 5 years struck up a friendship with a woman at work I felt a tinge of dread - but as they were just talking at work on teams I didn’t see the problem until he said he was meeting her outside work for coffee. I said I felt uncomfortable with that as I don’t know her, and after my last experience I felt it was a bad idea. I looked at their text exchange and she was asking him how tall he was , saying how much they have in common and he said he liked her and had a connection. He agreed not to meet outside work and also to cool it with the texting up and down, sharing selfies etc outside work. Fast forward 3 months , I went to Spain with my female friend of years, while I was away they met up for a two hour dog walk. He didn’t tell me , but I had a feeling he would do it so I asked him outright - he hesitated and then said yes he did. And that she also knew I was away. I find this duplicitous behaviour. So I said that if the friendship is so important then go for it but he can do it as a single man. Apparently I am hysterical and over the top. But honestly it brings back all the humiliation as before. So he has now told her he can’t see her outside work because it creates anxiety for me and this makes it difficult for him She was very disappointed and is keen to pursue the friendship and can’t understand what the fuss is about.
have I been unreasonable ?

Yeah you're not hysterical. Even if nothings happened, he likes the attention and is prioritising it over your feelings.
My DP has had female work friends over the years as well as from childhood and uni. Occasionally he's met them outside work before I've met them, which I'm fine with, but I do usually meet them eventually and some have become close friends. He'd never share selfies, meet them in secret or tell them they have a 'connection'! And it's just as often, if not more, been with male friends or gay women, so I'm very comfortable it's just being sociable - we've moved a lot and both need to meet new people!
Some of my friends think me and DP are too relaxed about opposite sex friends, but we do have clear boundaries and your DP's behaviour sounds dodgy to me. Don't let him think your response is the problem.

she's having relationship issues? So funny, cos so are you, but unfortunately your dp isn't being very understanding.

I think you're right to state your boundaries and given that he knows what happened to you before, it's cruel of him to say you're being over the top and unreasonable! I don't know if I would still want to be with him if he is so dismissive of his partner's feelings.

I did offer to host her here so she can see us as a couple

Why would a work colleague want to see you as a couple? I have barely a passing interest in my colleagues' partners and certainly wouldn't bring my husband to meet a colleague's wife. Jeez, the utter tedium of meeting my colleagues' husbands when one of our team got married last year was bad enough.

My last partner left me for someone he'd met through work.
Current husband has managed to resist the temptation to leave me for over 25 years
History does not have to repeat itself.

I would say i was pretty laid back - my husband has a few close women friends - one is an ex he was engaged to - but it's all above board etc etc. This - your situation - isn't. He lied and hid from you. Im sorry but i would be questioning everything now. How disrespectful to you.

It might be that it's a challenge for her to get him away from you. A bit of fun.
Another point is that he is flattered by the attention from her and while you were away he took the opportunity to do this long walk that he wouldn't have been able to do had you been there.
On the positive side, it does sound as if he wants to be honest with you, and tell you some version of the truth. Maybe he is kidding himself.
Anyway, moving on, I would have a very frank talk to him about what is likely to happen down the line if he doesn't man up and tell the pink-haired temptress to find herself a man who is actually available: he'll lose you, and maybe her too, as he'll no longer be a challenge. Time for him to decide.
I do think that a lot of men are a bit weak when it comes to attractive women. It's a good job that the women DH works with don't fancy him or I'd be having that conversation too.

Yeah he has two female friends in Germany and we socialised together and then separately. This is not the same in my opinion.

@SpanThatWorld Ive met my partners colleagues, especially if they are female and he has a friendship with them. We don’t hang out all the time but it would be weird if I hadn’t met them and he talks to them frequently.

Also the OP did this because she was making it clear he could be friends with her, just not secret friends. She wanted it to be more open and upfront and get to know this woman who is becoming so close to her partner. I do not see how this is an issue. She isn’t just a colleague if she is a friend, and most people meet their partners friends

Absolutely not! He likes her and they have a connection...NO! Trust your gut

YANBU!

I’ve been the naive wife when exDH got with the “just a friend” at work.

My now DH gets on with the women he works with and has met them for work purposes etc and I don’t flinch. I absolutely would if I was in your shoes… some of what you’ve said isn’t right with his behaviour and those texts.

I have never met any of my husband's colleagues.

He hadn't met any of mine until the wedding last year. I have good friends amongst my colleagues but with don't socialise with partners at all.

He’s a ticking time bomb. If not this woman it’ll be the next. But next time he’ll know to hide it better from the very start to avoid raising your suspicions. Sorry, I don’t see a future for you two. At least not a happy one. He’s out for secret thrills.

Red flags everywhere and even if he did cool it and not see her again I don't think I could look at him in the same way to be honest.

They are both testing the waters and she's clearly very desperate or bored to drive for an hour to go on a dog walk with someone she has a passing interest in 'being friends with'. Pull the other one love.

I would get rid, let her have him and see how long it lasts when they really get to know each other.

@SpanThatWorld yes colleagues. OP is talking about a friend this woman is her DP’s friend. My DP has a friend from work and I’ve met her. They talk outside of work, she is a friend like all his other friends. There is a distinction here, I talk to my colleagues all day but I don’t hang out with many of them outside of work, we don’t text outside of work. I just know them at work. If we did, they are my friend and my DP and I would meet each others friends.

I'm all for having male female friendships. But telling each other they have this wonderful connection and them meeting up only when you're not around is snide as fuck. I'd be livid if my partner prioritised a colleague over me too.

YANBU
He clearly can't keep himself away from her. He just has to while you are around. It's so shit and I'm sorry OP 😔

OP, has reading all the responses here helped you see things any more clearly? I must admit I've been surprised that there have been so few accusations, of you stopping him having friends, so it seems clear to me, that the vast majority of us, would react in the same way that you have. You know what you have to do. Take care of yourself.

My husband and I don't share many friends.

Most of my friends are through work. We text evenings and weekends, share holiday photos and socialise regularly. We don't bring partners.

It's just different strokes.

thank you for asking - I am somewhat relieved i am not deemed by MN as overreacting , hysterical etc. I kinda knew deep down I was not but It has helped me immensely actually. He is on his way out the door, I just want to do it when it’s convenient for me. I have to say, I feel like i have decided that this is not working for me - and in this situation, I am the important one. Now my mind has been cleared and my big issue is on what to wear for an Autumn reception in November at the House of Lords 😂
thank you all🙏🏼❤️

OP I'm also a "cool wife" by Mumsnet standards. My partner and I have platonic friends of the opposite sex we sometimes spend time with alone. I sometimes eyeroll at some of the posts I see on Mumsnet around the panic of an opposite sex friendship.

This is not what you're describing at all imo. The lying, the telling you you're crazy, the keeping you from meeting, the waiting until you're gone to meet up behind your back, the lack of respect for you and your relationship. All crazy red flags. No one does these things for a "friend". Your partner sounds like a first class idiot.

Right now they are "friends" so he can claim they're not doing anything wrong. But where they actually are is in the "getting to know you" phase and exploring their connection, as evidenced by conversations between them that have crossed boundaries and doing what they can to meet up without you/your knowledge.
Anyone can meet someone in life where there's that "if I wasn't with my partner" feeling but it's how he handles it that matters. The right thing to do is to steer clear. Maybe he hasn't thought this through and is just doing what he feels like without considering the consequences. Tell him that....it doesn't have to be an ultimatum, more that if he chooses to continue this "friendship", that to you his him exploring his options and message received.
I'm sorry OP, I hope he makes the right choice.

I agree with @NachoChip, he's weighing up his options whilst maintaining 'we're just friends' if you question it. Men rarely leave unless they have someone new lined up and this sounds like the 'transition' phase.

And don’t be surprised if when they do get together, and it sounds inevitable, that he’s all
’but nothing happened until after you broke up
with me’ 🙄
how dumb do these men think we are?!

Completely missing the point of the thread, and apologies to the OP, but have realised I am Mavis. I love wordle and Ludwig. It’s nice to know that I am not considered a threat to anyone’s relationship (I’m really not)

Personally I think you can only control who he is friends with if you're willing to have him control who you're friends with. It's not healthy for you or your relationship to be on edge about every connection he has nor him you, if there's no trust in relationship there is no relationship.
If he's going to have an affair and leave you for someone else he'll do it regardless of how many times you stop him talking to women.
And I say this as someone who's exh did what your ex did.