Partner and female co worker

[Luciev]

A short back story so you don’t think I’m weird - my previous parter of 12 years struck up a friendship with a women at work. I didn’t mind because I felt confident in our relationship. Fast forward 6 months - he left me for her. She was 15 years younger. I didn’t see it coming. Naive ? Maybe. So when my partner of 5 years struck up a friendship with a woman at work I felt a tinge of dread - but as they were just talking at work on teams I didn’t see the problem until he said he was meeting her outside work for coffee. I said I felt uncomfortable with that as I don’t know her, and after my last experience I felt it was a bad idea. I looked at their text exchange and she was asking him how tall he was , saying how much they have in common and he said he liked her and had a connection. He agreed not to meet outside work and also to cool it with the texting up and down, sharing selfies etc outside work. Fast forward 3 months , I went to Spain with my female friend of years, while I was away they met up for a two hour dog walk. He didn’t tell me , but I had a feeling he would do it so I asked him outright - he hesitated and then said yes he did. And that she also knew I was away. I find this duplicitous behaviour. So I said that if the friendship is so important then go for it but he can do it as a single man. Apparently I am hysterical and over the top. But honestly it brings back all the humiliation as before. So he has now told her he can’t see her outside work because it creates anxiety for me and this makes it difficult for him She was very disappointed and is keen to pursue the friendship and can’t understand what the fuss is about.
have I been unreasonable ?

How's it going OP? Easy to know what to do, not always easy to actually do it.

Sorry this is happening, OP.

You’re not being over-sensitive. I honestly think you should end it because he is already walking away from the relationship and now sneaking around with another woman. Don’t wait for him to gaslight you and insult you further. 🌸

Your partner’s co-worker is trying to steal your man, and doing a really great job of making you look like the crazy one. Feelings of insecurity are normal! It’s not a bad thing to feel insecure, it’s your body giving you a warning sign! Your partner isn’t hiding what he’s doing from you, he came clean about going on the walk behind your back. Nor did your ex hide it from you, they’re doing it in plain sight and you really need to be honest with yourself about what is happening right in front of you. Don’t let your partner or his “friend” gaslight you.

While I don’t know the intricate details of your situation and the devil is always in the details, on the face of it I wouldn’t want to stay with a partner whose head is so easily turned. If the relationship is worth saving then have a very frank conversation with him. Ask him straight out if he has feelings for this woman. he’s obviously seeking female connection and perhaps that is missing in your relationship? Tell him you want to work on that, if it’s the case. Maybe you have your own issues in the relationship too that are causing you to withdraw from him?

The other alternative is he’s just a cad who thinks he deserves better and in that case you should end the relationship on your own terms.

Trust your gut. From my own experience guys can't see the fine line between friendship and flirtation and how that will build up expectations on the, so, girl friend. Also I find guys incredible immature to hold a friendship with another woman, if she's something new in his life. Most likely it will escalate for something else if both are keen in keeping this friendship outside work, her knowing he has a partner, him knowing you're uncomfortable with this relationship.

Trust your gut and dump.
He was dishonest to do what he did and he knows it.
Let him call you hysterical if he wants.
He wouldn't be someone I would trust further.
He has 100% broken your trust.
He is trying to shut you down.
Dump him.

I'm afraid I agree with this too. As for the "he has a right to have friendships" - of course he does but isnt it rather strange that these "friendships" never happen with Colin from accounts or older women in the office. It's always women much younger who according to him "look good".

Strange that- my friendships dont only consist of much younger hot men who drive an hour to see me....

isnt it rather strange that these "friendships" never happen with Colin from accounts or older women in the office.

They do sometimes. I have two male friends I met at work who are both the same age as my son.

There's a difference between true friendship and these types of obviously flirting and fancying each other friendships. Anyone who can't see that obviously hasn't ever experienced one. It's very very obvious when it's not a normal friendship.
When I met my husband he had a few female friends. One wasn't "normal". Everyone could see this. In the past other mutual friends had made comments that they should just "get together and be done with it". So when he asked me out I agreed but was cautious. After a while I could see she was getting upset that I was kind of muscling in on what she clearly thought of as HER best friend. She'd constantly ring and text him trying to get him to go round immediately to help her with various things. Telling him they needed to go for dinner as it had been SOOO LONG! Asking why he was "abandoning" her when he wasn't available every weekend to see her.
I eventually gave him what people here would probably consider an ultimatum. I said I'm not getting involved in this weird dynamic so if you want to stay friends with her that's fine, but I'm off. I don't consider it an ultimatum. I consider it setting my own boundaries. He "chose" me. He still has 2 other really close female friends he sees with and without me quite regularly. I have no problem with those.

So I don't see what the OP said as controlling. She's saying by all means you carry on, but you can do it as a single person. That's not telling him what to do. That's giving him a choice. He's more than welcome to carry on the friendship. But not while being in a relationship with the OP. I think that's your boundaries. Whether you agree with the reasoning or not, the OP is entitled to whatever boundaries she chooses.

Do you drive an hour to meet them outside of work and purposely dont tell your partner?
Do you tell your partner that they "look good"?
Do you spend ages texting them selfies?

You’ve completely missed the point.

It’s the hiding that’s shit.

@Pantspangles oh goodness, I’ve realised that I am Mavis too!

If my OH was telling another woman they had a connection and sending selfies I would not be very happy at all, he is acting like he dating her.

@Dwappy I 100% agree. I let my husband carry on with a friendship that to me was a bit off- he was 40, she was 21 and did bits of work for us- years later I found 'stuff' in a drawer poems and songs etc he had written which clearly showed he had 'a thing for her' and he admitted it was 'a big crush' although he says it was one sided only and totally in his head- guess I will never know but it did show there's nothing wrong with my gut instinct. I do think women can have all kinds of friendships with different people and it be just that - a friendship- and that's why some women don't get it-

I'm 62 now and worked in lots of environments and I've rarely met a bloke who can be arsed with maintaining a friendship with a woman , enough of one to actually put themselves out, make arrangements etc , unless there was either an attraction or someone who could advance a career .

I would have dumped him based on those text messages alone. They do not sound like messages between platonic friends. When they met up behind your back while you were on holiday that was a breach of trust and again he would have been dumped. When he then has gone to the woman to tell her that they can't see each other because basically your a crazy anxious woman that again would have been a dumping offence. It sounds to me that there is likely something already going on or will be soon. I've no idea why you're still with this man. Are you just waiting to be shit on some more? You deserve much better.

No. You have.

This isnt a general chat about friendships in the office. It's about how it pertains to the OP's situation or at least should be. The PP is totally right: if you're not sending selfies to these younger male friends and going for long walks together then it's irrelevant.

YANBU at all OP and I would say it’s time to leave. If he is prepared to withhold things from you, gaslight you and put his friendship with her before your relationship then it’s time for him to go.

Im really sorry but don’t let yourself get into the same situation as last time. He’s treated you like shit by doing what he has done so far.

That's a big age gap for a purely platonic relationship. The fact he doesn't also want you to meet up with her suggests you're sensible to trust your intuition.

You are right to listen to your instincts. He’s a prick

Women only talk about men's heights when they're interested in them.

This!!!!
The text messages itself were so inappropriate!!
Then the meeting up for 2 hours when you are away!!
Then explaining to her that you are uncomfortable

RED FLAG all over !!!
I love it you said to him "if friendship so important go ahead as single man" Good on you

Make sure to Dump him with style.

Whatever he's up to, he clearly doesn't respect your feelings or consider the impact of this on you given your past. You're doing the right thing, OP.

Definitely not being unreasonable here. My friend had been with her partner for 15 years, married for 3 when he fessed up recently that he was leaving her for a work colleague. The colleague was someone my friend was aware of and the 3 of them had socialised together quite a bit. My friend actually considered the colleague a friend of hers too and thought it was nice her DH had a friend that they could both spend time with. Well being a 'cool wife' back fired big time.

He swanned off happily to live with the OW while my friend was left to pick up the pieces of her shattered life. He's also not someone you would have thought of as the 'type' to cheat. He was quiet, not very much of a charmer or a ladies man, and he did appear to be besotted with my friend, so you just never know.

I'm pleased to say she has done really well at getting herself into a good place and I couldn't be more in awe of how amazing she is.

Er, no, you have. The point is - he wouldnt be acting that way if he was friends with Colin from accounts.

THAT is the point.

He needs to make a choice, it may not be the choice you want, but he needs to decide one way or the other.