Page 11 | Partner and female co worker

Luciev · 2024-10-14T19:15:27+00:00

A short back story so you don’t think I’m weird - my previous parter of 12 years struck up a friendship with a women at work. I didn’t mind because I felt confident in our relationship. Fast forward 6 months - he left me for her. She was 15 years younger. I didn’t see it coming. Naive ? Maybe. So when my partner of 5 years struck up a friendship with a woman at work I felt a tinge of dread - but as they were just talking at work on teams I didn’t see the problem until he said he was meeting her outside work for coffee. I said I felt uncomfortable with that as I don’t know her, and after my last experience I felt it was a bad idea. I looked at their text exchange and she was asking him how tall he was , saying how much they have in common and he said he liked her and had a connection. He agreed not to meet outside work and also to cool it with the texting up and down, sharing selfies etc outside work. Fast forward 3 months , I went to Spain with my female friend of years, while I was away they met up for a two hour dog walk. He didn’t tell me , but I had a feeling he would do it so I asked him outright - he hesitated and then said yes he did. And that she also knew I was away. I find this duplicitous behaviour. So I said that if the friendship is so important then go for it but he can do it as a single man. Apparently I am hysterical and over the top. But honestly it brings back all the humiliation as before. So he has now told her he can’t see her outside work because it creates anxiety for me and this makes it difficult for him She was very disappointed and is keen to pursue the friendship and can’t understand what the fuss is about. have I been unreasonable ?

Original poster

Luciev · 21/10/2024 20:26

Bringbackspring · 18/10/2024 11:00

Definitely not being unreasonable here. My friend had been with her partner for 15 years, married for 3 when he fessed up recently that he was leaving her for a work colleague. The colleague was someone my friend was aware of and the 3 of them had socialised together quite a bit. My friend actually considered the colleague a friend of hers too and thought it was nice her DH had a friend that they could both spend time with. Well being a 'cool wife' back fired big time.

He swanned off happily to live with the OW while my friend was left to pick up the pieces of her shattered life. He's also not someone you would have thought of as the 'type' to cheat. He was quiet, not very much of a charmer or a ladies man, and he did appear to be besotted with my friend, so you just never know.

I'm pleased to say she has done really well at getting herself into a good place and I couldn't be more in awe of how amazing she is.

I hope she is living the best life now. It’s a good end to a shitty story.

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Anonymousmummmy · 21/10/2024 20:33

I would be 100% livid! Texting another woman? Secretly meeting up with another woman? Coffees dates? Call me old fashioned but not in my books, sorry not sorry😬 If he was with me and doing that, he’d have to potentially change jobs and block her everywhere (depending or what the texts actually said and the vibe) or we’d be over. Don’t let him gaslight you; see it for what it really is. Sorry♥️

Original poster

Luciev · 21/10/2024 20:39

spicychilli82 · 18/10/2024 09:13

Your partner’s co-worker is trying to steal your man, and doing a really great job of making you look like the crazy one. Feelings of insecurity are normal! It’s not a bad thing to feel insecure, it’s your body giving you a warning sign! Your partner isn’t hiding what he’s doing from you, he came clean about going on the walk behind your back. Nor did your ex hide it from you, they’re doing it in plain sight and you really need to be honest with yourself about what is happening right in front of you. Don’t let your partner or his “friend” gaslight you.

While I don’t know the intricate details of your situation and the devil is always in the details, on the face of it I wouldn’t want to stay with a partner whose head is so easily turned. If the relationship is worth saving then have a very frank conversation with him. Ask him straight out if he has feelings for this woman. he’s obviously seeking female connection and perhaps that is missing in your relationship? Tell him you want to work on that, if it’s the case. Maybe you have your own issues in the relationship too that are causing you to withdraw from him?

The other alternative is he’s just a cad who thinks he deserves better and in that case you should end the relationship on your own terms.

Thank you so much for this really considerate response. I am pretty sensible and have my boundaries. ( this may be the problem - no pinky purple hair ) and I have reflected on what could be missing from our relationship. I’m pretty tied up at work - I’m a charity CEO so busy a lot. I don’t always hang on his every word - but I never did. But I have noticed he seems to like ‘holding court’ and maybe, no i definitely, the fact I do not engage in that may be something. I did notice that when I have walked in on them chatting online - she is giggling and laughing at his jokes - he loves that. Other than that all is healthy. So maybe he needs me to be more fluffy sometimes and not work so hard. We do have fun still - but maybe I’m just not enough for him and he needs something else.

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LordBummenbachsMagnificentBalls · 21/10/2024 20:40

I would kick him out now OP. At the moment they are just exploring things, but I doubt she wants the dull reality of his dirty pants on her bathroom floor right away

If you give it more time to get comfortable with each other, and then kick him out, she may then be welcoming him with open arms and you will have done them the favour of hosting him while they build their relationship up

Original poster

Luciev · 21/10/2024 20:46

Diarygirlqueen · 21/10/2024 08:09

I'm sorry OP, what shit luck you've had with men. You sound so strong, I'm glad to hear you have great boundaries and are getting yourself sorted. I wish you nothing but happiness moving forward.

Thank you so much. I don’t have much luck with men.

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Crikeyalmighty · 21/10/2024 20:50

@Luciev I know 100% how you feel. Many years ago my H had a 'friendship' with someone who did some work for us- again I'm a really sensible person but maybe slightly eccentric in a few ways ( but not to look at) - this girl was only 21 - bohemian yoga bunny type who hung on his every word , laughed at his stories that I had heard zillions of times and I'm afraid at 41 , he lapped it up - because many men are a bit sad like this and get a buzz from ego fluffing- you are a smart woman and I would be clear that he's been really disloyal by lying behind your back, so he either has the friendship or he has the relationship- you aren't ok with both.

Original poster

Luciev · 21/10/2024 20:54

Betterthaneastenders · 18/10/2024 19:18

As with you did with your previous partner, it's all about trust, we all say we trust someone and then worry about them being with someone.
I was cheated on after 20 years of marriage and it was the boss where they had been working 15 years of us being together, so i can see why this has brought up all of those feelings again, but I feel you will push him into her arms by doing this and by telling him to stay away they are having secret meet ups, they could be totally honest and the only reason is because they are friends and he doesn't want to upset you by doing it with you knowing.
But to do it in secret is not good at all and will make the trust a lot worse, only you know what you have and how special it is and if it is worth keeping, if you feel it is then you have a choice to make, let him continue being friends with them, or stop him which could make things become a problem.
My advice would be to let the friendship continue, but ask to meet them, maybe all meet up for a drink and get to know them, explain what happened before to them and say how much it has reminded you of it.
Try and make friends with them, and it would even be better if you could both just have a girls night out, most times it's hard to cheat with someone when you know who they are cheating with, but it could also just show you her true intentions and whether she is just a friend or not.

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I have suggested we all meet up for coffee. He said not necessary as he is ending the friendship. I wanted to meet her so I see how it is with my own eyes. Be totally open to the friendship like I was in Germany. But the texting up and down selfies connection and all of this stuff - it just felt wrong somehow. Anyway - no chance of meeting her now.

OP posts:

Original poster

Luciev · 21/10/2024 20:58

Crikeyalmighty · 21/10/2024 20:50

@Luciev I know 100% how you feel. Many years ago my H had a 'friendship' with someone who did some work for us- again I'm a really sensible person but maybe slightly eccentric in a few ways ( but not to look at) - this girl was only 21 - bohemian yoga bunny type who hung on his every word , laughed at his stories that I had heard zillions of times and I'm afraid at 41 , he lapped it up - because many men are a bit sad like this and get a buzz from ego fluffing- you are a smart woman and I would be clear that he's been really disloyal by lying behind your back, so he either has the friendship or he has the relationship- you aren't ok with both.

This is the crux of it. He knew I felt uncomfortable with the tone of the chatting and texting. I asked not to meet, I suggested we all meet up and have a coffee. He said no and then waited till I was on holiday- this , for me , is the issues over everything else.

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Original poster

Luciev · 21/10/2024 21:01

TheCatterall · 20/10/2024 21:55

Has he perhaps switched on disappearing messages (if it’s WhatsApp). I believe you can get something similar for text messages.

have you looked in his deleted messages (again if it’s WhatsApp) as unless you delete them from there I believe it keeps them
for 30 days?

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I do feel uncomfortable digging around in his chat history - I did look at the messages and felt awful doing it but I did tell him I read their messages and didn’t like the tone.

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rarebits · 21/10/2024 21:20

Won’t be surprised if he ends up blaming this all on you if it turns into more with her…your suspicious nature and jealousy drove him away, blah blah.

TheCatterall · 21/10/2024 21:32

Yeah - agree with @rarebits - sense a DARVO session commencing..

MsDogLady · 21/10/2024 21:32

I have had it out with him, asked if I could meet her - the answer has been “not necessary” because they are no longer friends.

I call bullshit on that,@Luciev. He has already proven to be a cunning liar where this OW is concerned, and he still is.

They’ve been connecting and investing via hundreds of over-familiar messages and hours of flirty cyber meet-ups. He broke his agreement to not meet her outside of work, enjoying 2 hours of alone-time during their ‘dog walk’ during your absence.

Now he is defensive and belligerent, and is deleting and claiming (lying) that they’re no longer friends. He has found a way to shut you out and to continue building his budding romance by going into the office weekly.

@Luciev, you have given abundantly to him and his children, yet he is treating you abhorrently and taking you for a fool. I’m glad that you’re on to him and his devious, faithless behavior. I hope you will be ready to boot him out sooner rather than later.

Original poster

Luciev · 21/10/2024 21:37

rarebits · 21/10/2024 21:20

Won’t be surprised if he ends up blaming this all on you if it turns into more with her…your suspicious nature and jealousy drove him away, blah blah.

But I’m not suspicious, he had female friends when we lived in Germany and I was cool with it. This feels different so I do feel suspicious now. I hate how it has made me feel - also feeling humiliated as she also knew I was away. Awful.

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Original poster

Luciev · 21/10/2024 21:40

MsDogLady · 21/10/2024 21:32

I have had it out with him, asked if I could meet her - the answer has been “not necessary” because they are no longer friends.

I call bullshit on that,@Luciev. He has already proven to be a cunning liar where this OW is concerned, and he still is.

They’ve been connecting and investing via hundreds of over-familiar messages and hours of flirty cyber meet-ups. He broke his agreement to not meet her outside of work, enjoying 2 hours of alone-time during their ‘dog walk’ during your absence.

Now he is defensive and belligerent, and is deleting and claiming (lying) that they’re no longer friends. He has found a way to shut you out and to continue building his budding romance by going into the office weekly.

@Luciev, you have given abundantly to him and his children, yet he is treating you abhorrently and taking you for a fool. I’m glad that you’re on to him and his devious, faithless behavior. I hope you will be ready to boot him out sooner rather than later.

Thank you for responding. I am quite overwhelmed how many have said im not unreasonable - I don’t feel quite so ‘crazy’ now.

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Roryno · 21/10/2024 21:40

If I had someone at work that was turning into a nice friend I’d be wanting to introduce them to my OH. It’s fine to have friends of the opposite sex. But the sneaking around, lying and keeping it all separate is a big flapping red flag, backed up by the other red flag of him (and her!) trying to make you feel as though you’re being unreasonable for wanting an open, honest relationship.

Original poster

Luciev · 21/10/2024 21:41

TheCatterall · 21/10/2024 21:32

Yeah - agree with @rarebits - sense a DARVO session commencing..

He has form for that.

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Original poster

Luciev · 21/10/2024 21:43

Roryno · 21/10/2024 21:40

If I had someone at work that was turning into a nice friend I’d be wanting to introduce them to my OH. It’s fine to have friends of the opposite sex. But the sneaking around, lying and keeping it all separate is a big flapping red flag, backed up by the other red flag of him (and her!) trying to make you feel as though you’re being unreasonable for wanting an open, honest relationship.

Exactly this !

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E404 · 21/10/2024 23:10

Majority of us thinks .. well, you know what we think. It's a red flag, and you need to sort it out. The facts are there, you feel alarmed and left out and he doesn't handle it in a way that's reassuring to you. Noone snoops in other people's phones for no reason. There are all sorts of people out there, some are poli, some are too cool, some genuinely don't feel alarmed, but none of them is you. Look after yourself the best way you can. You deserve to have your heart at the right place.
Ultimately everyone with an ounce of self compassion wants to feel seen and heard, appreciated and respected and when we don't feel all this we're alarmed. Your Self is wise and is looking after you.

Original poster

Luciev · 21/10/2024 23:39

E404 · 21/10/2024 23:10

Majority of us thinks .. well, you know what we think. It's a red flag, and you need to sort it out. The facts are there, you feel alarmed and left out and he doesn't handle it in a way that's reassuring to you. Noone snoops in other people's phones for no reason. There are all sorts of people out there, some are poli, some are too cool, some genuinely don't feel alarmed, but none of them is you. Look after yourself the best way you can. You deserve to have your heart at the right place.
Ultimately everyone with an ounce of self compassion wants to feel seen and heard, appreciated and respected and when we don't feel all this we're alarmed. Your Self is wise and is looking after you.

Beautiful message. Thank you. And thank you all at MN. 👌🏽👌🏽

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Abi86 · 22/10/2024 01:41

Hey @Luciev. I’m a guy - YDNBU

JRorBobby · 22/10/2024 01:51

You are right OP, trust your gut.

Nothing you are saying sounds remotely unreasonable and this isn't "your anxiety" this is your instinct speaking to you, loud and clear!

Ger1atricMillennial · 22/10/2024 02:38

It doesn't matter why, but if you can't trust him there simply is no point in carrying on the relationship.

You can own your part of it, but he can own his too. Getting involved in colleagues "relationship" issues is alway a bad idea. I have been working for 20 years and I have never been a sound board of anyone I have worked with about that, especially if they are part of the sex I am attracted to.

Mumtobabyhavoc · 22/10/2024 02:55

I just want to add that when the guy tells the OW, I can't see you because it's upsetting my partner, it's a pretty shitty thing. It's a betrayal to his partner. It's a way to make her look bad. The fact that this OW wants to continue the "friendship" shows she wants more.
The guy should want to protect his partner, her feelings and their relationship. He shouldn't have to be told, he shouldn't look for his partner to be away so he can sneak out on a date. That's what it was, btw, a date.
There's mo way I'd stay. It would be constant second-guessing him. It would be nagging resentment. I think the relationship wouldn't survive in the end and self esteem would be damaged as well.

Original poster

Luciev · 22/10/2024 08:01

Mumtobabyhavoc · 22/10/2024 02:55

I just want to add that when the guy tells the OW, I can't see you because it's upsetting my partner, it's a pretty shitty thing. It's a betrayal to his partner. It's a way to make her look bad. The fact that this OW wants to continue the "friendship" shows she wants more.
The guy should want to protect his partner, her feelings and their relationship. He shouldn't have to be told, he shouldn't look for his partner to be away so he can sneak out on a date. That's what it was, btw, a date.
There's mo way I'd stay. It would be constant second-guessing him. It would be nagging resentment. I think the relationship wouldn't survive in the end and self esteem would be damaged as well.

Thank you , I had had lots of messages similar to this. So I tested it out and said to him. “When you told her you could not be friends because it made me anxious, I feel that was a betrayal - you threw me under a bus rather than own it yourself” . His answer - well it does make you anxious and if it didn’t o would still be seeing her, and what do you care what someone you don’t know thinks of you. I don’t care what anyone thinks of me. “ so I get shut down.

OP posts:

jrc1071 · 22/10/2024 08:30

Luciev · 21/10/2024 20:23

It’s okay. I have tried to have an adult conversation about it but he ends up shouting me down and he continues to blame me. He simply cannot see how this is inappropriate at all. The dog walk is innocuous alone but with the other things around it - it makes it not okay - he can’t see it - won’t discuss it anymore so I’ve been shut down. He is in the office tomorrow when over the past 3 years he only ever goes in for meetings once a month. Now it’s 3 times in 2 weeks. As one responder said - I can’t control his friendships and that’s true - never did before and he had female friends when we were in Germany but there is a vibe with this one- like he said - a connection. I’m going to wait and see what happens next - the wall has come up in any case - I feel less anxious about it and I will bide my time. I feel in control of myself and my life. Thank you so much for asking - sorry for the “war and peace” response

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He sees it alright. There is a saying by Dr. George Simon, who is an expert in character disordered (ie cheaters, etc): "It is not that he does not see... it's simply that he disagrees".

Your husband disagrees with your view as he wants to do what he wants, He can see and knows very clearly what he is doing is inappropriate. He is just angry that you caught on and are calling him out on it, as it now makes it diffficult for him and 'trollop' to continue.