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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to be sad that I'll never have a daughter?

103 replies

kizzie · 23/04/2008 16:59

I think I probably know the answer from most mumsnetters from similar threads. (Ie. be grateful for what you've got!)

I've got gorgeous twin boys born as a result of ICSI. Ive got a great relationship with them and they are just lovely. For a long time i thought i'd never have them because of fertility issues and DH and I both feel absolutely blessed to have them.

For medical reasons we've been told that IVF very unlikely to work in the future so we cant ahve any more children. I would really love another child (boy or girl) but slowly coming to terms with the fact that it isnt going to happen.

But I just feel sad that I'll never have a daughter.

I know I am very very lucky (apart from fertility issues, my sister has just had a miscarriage adn im desperate for her have a healthy pregnancy and baby - far far more than anything for me.)

Im very rational about it - as i say i know Im lucky. And I know its not going to happen. But its just a sadness that im guessing will just go away one day?

OP posts:

Nagapie · 23/04/2008 17:03

At the risk of making light of a situation you feel quite sad about and the way mine is behaving today - you can have her for a fiver!!

sweetkitty · 23/04/2008 17:03

I'm pregnant with my third DD and as she's my last baby I know I will never have a son.

I feel sad about that not about having another girl they are great but just that I will never parent a little boy.

I think it's just human nature really, yes you know you are very lucky and you get what you are given etc.

ajandjjmum · 23/04/2008 17:04

Snap Nagapie!

Hope that one day you get to be a fabulous auntie to a little niece.

jesuswhatnext · 23/04/2008 17:05

look to the future - you could end up with 2 very lovley daughters in law! and eventually granddaughters

myermay · 23/04/2008 17:06

i think it's normal, always fancy a bit of what you don't have. Do you have a really close friend/niece that you can occassional steal to take shopping or get nails done?

Dragonbutter · 23/04/2008 17:08

I had two sons and don't want any more children but do sometimes feel sad at not having a daughter.
That's life.
I have two nieces though and while the nephews get money for birthdays, I exploit the opportunity to go shopping for cute girls things when their birthdays come round.

JODIEhavingababy · 23/04/2008 17:14

I know how you feel! I know all the 'consider yourself lucky' things, and believe me I do, every day, My DS is perfect in every way, so will my soon to be DS2, but I keep feeling I'll always be the mother-in-law!! I have a great relationship with my mum (most of the time!) and will miss all the shopping, pampering bit that comes from a mother and daughter relationship!

(unless one of them turns out to be gay!!! )

hatrick · 23/04/2008 17:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

southeastastra · 23/04/2008 17:20

i feel the same (sometimes) have two boys. just remember how close my relationship with my mum was like and feel a bit about it.

MicrowaveOnly · 23/04/2008 17:21

kizzie I have one of each and there's no doubt my relationship is different with my dd...but I keep wondering what another ds would be like, would he be the same, or different. ds is not sporty, I wonder if ds 2 might be instead?

But it ain't ever gonna happen - cos dh is too old.

So hey, I think we all wonder about the child we never had!! (and i always wanted twins- completely gorgeous!!!)

PeachyHas4BoysAndLovesIt · 23/04/2008 17:21

Not unreasonable at all.

Am more than besotted with my four bys- but yes a little sad that i'll never get to do the daughter thing as well. would be nice, can't even with sisters kids as they are also all male.

Perfectly normal imo

myermay · 23/04/2008 17:22

jodie, i also worry aboutt he mil thing. But my gran who was my dads mum was fab with us. We used to stay at her house loads, she did wonderful things with us. She helped my mum (her DIL) out loads with housework, laundry, walking the dog etc. She also helped out financially with school shoes, swimming lessons etc - and expected nothing in return.

I'd love nothing more than to have a MIL, who came around and helped to tidy, look after the kids etc, but sadly mine is not interested.

So, don't worry i'm sure you'll be a fab MIL, just think what you'd like in a MIL and be that person.

JODIEhavingababy · 23/04/2008 17:25

I must say my MIL is fab, she has DS 1 day a week while I'm at work and I made sure I included her in baby stuff and wedding stuff as she has 2 boys herself....

But what if my boys get married to utter bitches? I know I'm being premature and it's not really something that keeps me up at night, but, what if?????

JODIEhavingababy · 23/04/2008 17:26

That sounds weird, Wedding was ages ago!

nametaken · 23/04/2008 17:48

Did you ever think about adoption. There are millions of unwanted little chinese girls

mm22bys · 23/04/2008 17:54

I have two boys, and for a long time I thought I would never be able to have even one, so I am very lucky. It doesn't stop me from thinking I'd love to have a daughter, and to be envious of my friends who have a dd (especially those who had a ds first).

I was lucky enough to have two grandmothers as I grew up, and while we did see more of my mum's mum than my dad's mum, that was only becuase she lived closer - we never played favourites though, one was never "better" than the other.

I can only go on the relationships that my parents had with their MILs, and hope that my DSs will pick lovely enough partners so that they want to include me and DH in their lives too!

southeastastra · 23/04/2008 17:54

millions?

nametaken · 23/04/2008 17:57

millions?

oh sorry lots of them are aborted arn't they?

thousands then

southeastastra · 23/04/2008 18:17

i have no idea how many there are either . maybe could be millions!

collision · 23/04/2008 18:23

I do understand as I have 2 boys and 6 nephews and 1 niece and I do still look longingly at girly clothes and shoes and sort of think how nice it would have been!

But my boys are so lovely and I wouldnt swap them for all the world

mom2latinoboys · 23/04/2008 18:44

Just remember that you will be the woman that all others are compared to in you boys' lives.

DarthVader · 23/04/2008 18:47

Recommend you try to acquire a god daughter!

AbbeyA · 23/04/2008 19:01

I am very happy with my 3 DSs, but I just get worried about later on at the grandmother stage when I read so many negative MIL comments. A lot of women seem to resent having to bother with a MIL.

Original poster

kizzie · 23/04/2008 19:20

Thanks for all the replies!! And for being so understanding. i really was expecting to be given a very hard time.

Re. adoption. Ironically we did apply to adopt (completed all home study etc successfully) and had even had a provisional early match with a child but then because of a health reason we had to puul out. Very very difficult at the time.

But I wouldn't adopt 'to get a girl'. Adoption much more complex than that - and needs of the child much more importnat than the needs/wants of the parent. This was a few years ago and DH sadly too old now for adoption of a pre school child and as adopted children in vast majority of cases must be at least 2 years younger then birth child then not an option for us anymore.

Anyway - sorry rambling off the point

OP posts:

AbbeyA · 23/04/2008 19:32

I think that it will go away kizzie; given the choice I would have liked a girl but now that they are all here I wouldn't swap them for the World! They are much easier and straight forward in many ways.There is also nothing to say you would have a girl next time- I have the feeling that I would have had a whole football team if I had gone on! Now that some of them are at the girlfriend stage I am getting female company again-living in an all male household can be hard! I am hoping for granddaughters one day and hope to have a close relationship with them. Fingers crossed for a friendly, generous, family orientated DIL!!

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