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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be sad that I'll never have a daughter?

103 replies

kizzie · 23/04/2008 16:59

I think I probably know the answer from most mumsnetters from similar threads. (Ie. be grateful for what you've got!)

I've got gorgeous twin boys born as a result of ICSI. Ive got a great relationship with them and they are just lovely. For a long time i thought i'd never have them because of fertility issues and DH and I both feel absolutely blessed to have them.

For medical reasons we've been told that IVF very unlikely to work in the future so we cant ahve any more children. I would really love another child (boy or girl) but slowly coming to terms with the fact that it isnt going to happen.

But I just feel sad that I'll never have a daughter.

I know I am very very lucky (apart from fertility issues, my sister has just had a miscarriage adn im desperate for her have a healthy pregnancy and baby - far far more than anything for me.)

Im very rational about it - as i say i know Im lucky. And I know its not going to happen. But its just a sadness that im guessing will just go away one day?

x

OP posts:
LuJay · 02/04/2009 14:15

I always wanted a daughter, i didn't care if i had to have 10 boys to eventually have a daughter, i just wanted 1 daughter and would have kept on going until i either got one or couldn't have any more. however, I am one of the lucky ones. I have a beautiful, vivacious, cheeky, strong willed, 3 year old daughter, followed by a very bold, lively, charismatic 15 month old son. I am indeed blessed. We are now thinking about number 3 and i am in the enviable position of not giving a toss about the sex of the next child, just as long as it's healthy. Having said that, i was in a right old state when i was pg with my first. I was so worried it would be a boy and all my dreams would be shattered. I know it sounds calous and shallow, but it was my dream and you just can't help having a dream. Now, fast forward to present day... there is no way on god's fine earth that i would ever replace my beautiful little boy for another little girl. He is just marvelous and brings so much joy in his mere presence to the whole family. But don't beat yourself up about wanting a girl, i think it's just natural. I honestly believe that deep down, in places that we don't admit it, in places too deep to reveal, all women want a daughter, it's only natural. Be kind to yourself. It's ok to dream. Good luck.

namechangerforareason · 02/04/2009 14:22

I agree about considering adoption, sure she may not be biologically yours but you will love her just as much and would be giving her a happy home and new start in life.

Good luck to you.

shonaspurtle · 02/04/2009 14:23

I'm not likely to have more children and I feel sad about the dd who will (probably) never be.

Weirdly, it's the feeling of the female line of my family coming to an end. I think about my mother, grandmother, great grandmother going back forever. All those mothers of daughters and it finishes at me. Especially as for the last few generations there has been a single girl so there have been mother-daughter relationships without sisters, which have been quite intense.

But it's all bullshit really. And I know that. I love my ds so much and I wouldn't swap him - I'm sure I'd be just as angsty if it had been the other way round.

peachyfox · 02/04/2009 14:26

Hello Kizzie, I'm pregnant with our ICSI baby and I know we won't have another (for medical reasons). We think it's a boy which is amazing and wonderful, we really don't mind. But I find I can't look at those little stripey tights girls get to wear...
We're hoping to adopt from China sometime in the future.

bumpybecky · 02/04/2009 14:59

YANBU to feel sad

I think my MIL felt very much the same as you. She had four boys and I know she'd quietly hoped for a girl. 30 years on and she's got 6 granddaughters (and 3 grandsons). Plenty of pink fluffy thigns to buy, lots of girly toys and clothes to enjoy

OrmIrian · 02/04/2009 15:02

kizzie - no yanbu. My auntie is 86 and she still mourns her lack of a DD sometimes. She had 2 boys and then twins. Decided 4 was enough so never got a girl. As i say she still feels bereft

Ledodgy · 02/04/2009 15:24

Orm my aunt is exactly the same do we share an aunt? She also had 2 boys and then twins.

Jojay · 02/04/2009 15:24

I know just how you feel.

I'm so lucky to have 2 beautiful sons, 2.4 and 5 months. They are the apple of my eye nad I'd never swap them for anything.

But...... I'd love a girl too - not for the pink fluffy stuff - I can live without that and have a god daughter for that - but for the companionship that often exists between adult daughters and their mothers, but I know I'm being presumptious here.

I always get a stab of envy when I hear of friends who've managed to produce 'one of each', as 3 kids would stretch us in many ways, so I'm not sure it'll happen.

Ho Hum

Ledodgy · 02/04/2009 15:24

Oh just seen she is 86 lol deffo not my aunt.

ScottishThistle · 02/04/2009 15:25

YANBU to feel sad. I think 95% of Mothers with no daughter if they were very honest would say they felt the same at some point.

At 36 with no man in sight I sometimes worry I'll never have a child at all! I've been a Nanny for 17years.

Twin boys are great fun in my opinion. Girls are harder work.

TaurielTest · 02/04/2009 15:35

Hey peachyfox, my DS wears stripy tights - very snazzy and practical.

ScottishThistle · 02/04/2009 15:38

Puddock, my best friends youngest ds3 (9mths)also wears denim shorts and stripey/star tights ~ very cute!

higgle · 02/04/2009 15:46

I have two sons and agree that you can feel sad about not having a daughter - for me it means I'm the only female in the house (dog is male and quite blokish too) I would have liked to have a daughter after the boys but I do think that having one of each is not so good for them. My sons are 3 1/2 years apart in age but very close, very good company for each other and the eldest helps his brother with his homework quite a lot ( good becaue it is beyond us, well the maths is ) I don't think a boy and a girl would be so good together and recall I did nothing but fight with my brother (only sibling) as a child. When i think about this I just try tell myself it was fate, and it happened to ensure I was a good mother to boys, including teaching them a bit of fashion sense, educating them that reading something other than sci-fi is a good idea and that being able to cook is important!

eeyore2 · 02/04/2009 15:52

Hello Kizzie.
I am not in the same situations as you but am pregant for the first time and have sometimes felt a slight hankering for a girl, which I find a very disturbing trait in myself. Here is a story which I tink may have influenced this feeling a little bit. It concerns a conversation I had with my grandmother shortly before she died. She was a quite shockingly direct person and would often say things nobody else would dream of saying. We were talking about my mother-in-law, who has two boys (one is my dh) and a daughter with severe learning disabilities. My grandmother said that this was "a tragedy" for my mil because she will miss out on the most important relationship an older woman can have - the one with her grown-up daughter. Now, this was a pretty outrageous statement for a number of reasons: very few enlightened people would call having a beautiful, healthy, funny, special-needs daughter "a tragedy"; she will not be "missing out" because she has a fab relationship with her daughter and always will; and of course many people would strongly disagree that the mother / grown-up daughter relationship is the best or most important there is. But it made me think, just because it was such a searingly honest remark and clearly reflected how important the relationship with her own daughter was to her.

ingles2 · 02/04/2009 15:58

YANBU at all, I have 2 sons, a step son and I have also lost twin boys. I have always hankered after a little girl and was genuinely gutted when I discovered the twins were male.
As my boys have grown, that feeling has diminished, but it's still there niggling a little and I think it probably always will. I imagine this is tied up with the death of the twins though..
However, I look at my family and know how lucky and blessed I am to have such fantastic children and actually, I sincerely believe you get the child that suits you. I look at girls in the playground shrieking, and whispering and after having a pang for a second, think, nope, couldn't cope with that

TaurielTest · 02/04/2009 17:18

[Sorry for veering O/T on the subject of dressing male offspring in stripey tights...]
Glad mine's not the only one ScottishThistle! He's about the same age as your friend's DS, and I think they're great for keeping his legs and feet warm when he's being carried in the sling or crawling about. Butch colours such as grey, brown and navy can be had from H&M.

We now return you to your regularly programmed thread.

sarah293 · 02/04/2009 17:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

fruitstick · 02/04/2009 17:26

I know what you mean about the companionship when you're older (especially given yesterdays tips for MIL thread )

I'm just hoping DS2 is gay!

I think you can feel sad without being ungrateful for what you have. But just be thankful we don't have to cope with hair slides or Bratz

Ineedmorechocolatenow · 02/04/2009 18:13

I am currently pregnant with DS2 and I have to admit, I did feel a pang of sadness when we went for scan and found out that we were expecting another boy. DH has said that he would like to stop at two, but would consider one more if I was desperate to try for a DD. I just know that it'd be another boy! I also think that I have to think carefully about whether we want three children, rather than fixate on the gender. I know that I ADORE DS, and that I will feel the same for this little one.

Now I'm 31 weeks, I'm really excited about another boy. Like someone said earlier, I do get sad when I see the stripey tights in the shops (what is it about those tights? ).

Shamefully (and I really am ashamed about this), I was secretly glad when my sister, who is due 6 weeks after me, was expecting her second daughter. I knew I'd be gutted if she had one of each. I know that makes me a bad person...... . I do feel a tinge of envy when friends of mine have one of each.

It's all so silly, as I know that I am so blessed to have DS and be expecting another baby. We have friends who have fertility issues and will probably never have the child they long for. It puts it all in perspective.....

chegirl · 02/04/2009 18:46

I have 3 boys and they are lovely.

I am 42 this year and have just started a new job. Therefore I am not sure if I can try again for another baby or if it would happen.

I HAD a DD and she died when she was 14. I miss having a DD so much it hurts. It IS different and I feel sad that I may never have a girl again.

troutpout · 02/04/2009 18:55

lots of old threads randomly resurrected today...
weird

hannahsaunt · 02/04/2009 18:58

I have 3 boys and may/may not have a fourth. If push came to shove and I had to choose I would have another boy BUT do have occaisonal pangs to be mother of the bride, if only to get a look in on the wedding day . But I have three beautiful nieces whom I adore and will hopefully get to spoil for many years.

slowreadingprogress · 02/04/2009 19:06

for anyone who is thinking that a girl will bring a certain kind of companionship - well, very possibly. But I'd also like to say that in my job as a social worker for older people, I meet just as many devoted sons who do just as much for their mums as the daughters do. I know one family of two sons and their very aged mother and they do EVERYTHING for her and won't hear of carers coming in. It's lovely.

I think it's more to do with individual relationships rather than gender.

So I wouldn't hanker after a girl. And if you like stripey tights, wear 'em!

FiveGoMadInDorset · 02/04/2009 19:11

I have a daughter but I might as well have 2 sons as she will only wear boys clothes.

chelseamorning · 02/04/2009 19:57

I have a son. We're not planning on having another. I don't feel sad that we're never going to have a daughter.

When we found out the sex of our baby, I was disappointed at first that it wasn't a girl. I always thought I'd have a girl for some reason. However when he was born, and over the 2.5 years we've had him, I feel that the sex doesn't matter. Sure, we all want a child that somehow mirrors ourselves, but each different child can do that, no matter what the sex. I'm totally loving our son and the fact that he reminds me (and my parents) so much of the way I was as a child.

I understand why you feel this way but try and refocus your life and enjoy what you have. ]