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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to be sad that I'll never have a daughter?

103 replies

kizzie · 23/04/2008 16:59

I think I probably know the answer from most mumsnetters from similar threads. (Ie. be grateful for what you've got!)

I've got gorgeous twin boys born as a result of ICSI. Ive got a great relationship with them and they are just lovely. For a long time i thought i'd never have them because of fertility issues and DH and I both feel absolutely blessed to have them.

For medical reasons we've been told that IVF very unlikely to work in the future so we cant ahve any more children. I would really love another child (boy or girl) but slowly coming to terms with the fact that it isnt going to happen.

But I just feel sad that I'll never have a daughter.

I know I am very very lucky (apart from fertility issues, my sister has just had a miscarriage adn im desperate for her have a healthy pregnancy and baby - far far more than anything for me.)

Im very rational about it - as i say i know Im lucky. And I know its not going to happen. But its just a sadness that im guessing will just go away one day?

OP posts:

peachyfox · 03/04/2009 07:56

This thread is not about not wanting boys, I'm thrilled about the prospect of a boy (although I'm not sure what mine is yet) - it's about hankerings for girls.

Phoenix4725 · 03/04/2009 14:05

i am lucky in that i had 2 ds then my dd then ds 3.

but my little girl is defintley not of the pinky fluffy style ,shes sports mad infact shes the only one to like football and rugby
but must admit im not of the shopping kind either

chegirl · 03/04/2009 17:23

Having a girl is about more than going shopping and pink fluffy stuff though. It IS nice to have another female in the house. It IS nice to feel that bond with a daughter and be able to share 'wisdom'. Stuff you wish someone had told you. To be able to help her deal with friendships, feelings, boys and all that stuff.

womblingfree · 03/04/2009 17:59

I was very lucky to get my much wanted DD first time round as we won't be having any more (for reasons too numerous to go into). Must confess if she'd been a boy I probably would have gone for another by now and to hell with the consequences.

About the same time as we decided not to have anymore though, a couple of my friends had boys and I do find myself wistfully looking through the boys section of the next catalogue occasionally.

I am a v. girly girl though - so if by some miracle a son ever did come along I wouldn't have a clue what to do with him!

kidowner · 03/04/2009 18:01

I had 4 dds and love them to bits but dr said highly unlikely I'd get a ds. My emotions were such you would not think I had any children at all. I absolutely pined for another so much it consumed my every waking hour. So I completely understand what you are going through.My dh did not want any more but lo and behold! My dream came true and I have my gorgeous ds! Dreams can come true sometimes.

chegirl · 03/04/2009 18:31

Ha ha I think this thread has seriously upset my OH.

I suggested to him that it might be a nice idea to have another baby before its too late.

Bless him, his face

noonar · 05/04/2009 19:27

i have 2 dds and used to feel as you do, about never having a son. dd2 is nearly 5 and i think now that i could have another baby and not really mind about what sex it is. but its taken me a few years to let go of the hankering after a boy thing. i used to get a little pang if a friend had a baby boy. not any more

Original poster

kizzie · 24/05/2010 16:57

Im just resurrecting this thread from a couple of years ago.

Because guess what .....

It went away completely. Apart from a fleeting wish/need to buy butterfly hair clips (which i solve by buying them for my god daughter).

I think its probably because although I had a very close relationship with DSs when they were little I did wonder how this would be when they were older.

But in fact our relationship has just got closer and closer and I just really love their company. Cant imagine being any closer if they were girls.

Im sure a daughter would have been fabulous too - but that sense of 'missing something' has gone.

Unfortunately Im going through an episode of anxiety/depression (recurring every few years after PND) and was looking for another thread I started about it but just stumbled on this x

OP posts:

cluelessnchaos · 24/05/2010 17:12

How life changes

wonka · 24/05/2010 17:21

Thank you! We have finally drawn a line under our all male (barr me) household.. I'm feeling the what ifs at the moment.. feel a bit reassured it will go away!

withorwithoutyou · 24/05/2010 17:24

That's great Kizzie.

I'm lol at Sweetkitty saying she knows she will never have a son - didn't she just have a little boy?

thesecondcoming · 24/05/2010 18:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MumNWLondon · 24/05/2010 19:12

YANBU, but it looks like its something you'll need to come to terms with.

My mum had 4 girls before my brother, she just couldn't come to terms with it and then they spolit my brother rotten because "they'd waited so long for him " how do you think that made us feel?

I always said that I would not keep on going to have a child of a particular gender because of what I experienced as a child. In the event both me and my sister had a girl and then a boy, so I didn't experience what my mum did.

Also I echo what the others say, all kids are different in different ways, not just their genders that make them different.

BafanaBafana · 24/05/2010 19:16

I don't think YABU at all, OP - you have expressed yourself very clearly: you are grateful for what you've got, but wistful about the DD you'll probably never have. Perfectly normal and reasonable. I'm not sure that will ever go away completely, but I'm sure it will fade as time passes, and there will be girls in your life - friends children, maybe your sister will have a girl (wouldnt that be lovely? ), or grand daughters one day.

BafanaBafana · 24/05/2010 19:17

Oops, just noticed your update. Glad to hear things are going well for you, kizzie. How is your sister?

Original poster

kizzie · 24/05/2010 19:45

my sister eventually had my gorgeous gorgeous nephew

Wonka - fingers crossed it goes away for you too. I honestly didnt think it would with me but it did. x

OP posts:

BafanaBafana · 24/05/2010 19:51

That's lovely@kizzie .

chipmonkey · 24/05/2010 20:41

And chegirl has just had another baby, hasn't she? Obviously dh was convinced!

chesgirlNOTgriffins · 24/05/2010 21:12

Chipmonkey V.funny seeing this thread as I logged on.

'DC4 will be my last child ' didnt last long as I have a big fat 6 week old in the crib next to me.

Yes - another boy

He does have a pink buggy and flowery moses basket though.

jellybeans · 24/05/2010 21:18

YANBU BUT after having 2 stillborns and 2 m/cs I realised that it really did not matter as long as your baby is here. I now have both DDs and DSs (had 3 the same 1st) and honestly both are as scrummy, I have not enjoyed any more than the other nor do I believe that boys always clear off when they are older and girls are always close. Looking around the people I know, as many women are fiercely independant and move for careers etc.

It is OK to be sad for what you will never have, I will always be sad that my DDs are not here where they should be BUT I am so glad for what I DO have which is my other lovely children. Count your blessings, boys are fabulous!

ChunkyMonkeysMum · 24/05/2010 21:24

I can understand how you feel OP.

I too have 2 boys who I love and adore with all my heart and I know I am lucky to have them, yet I still feel sad from time to time that I will never have a daughter.

DS1 is Autistic and it's possible that DS2 may be too (20 months old so still a bit early to tell, but is showing some signs). We have decided not to have any more children as it's tough enough having 1 with ASD, so I know I will never get the chance to have a daughter. What saddens me most is that I don't know what the future holds for my 2 boys, so I may also never become a MIL or have grandchildren either

But.....I do have 4 nieces & love shopping for their birthday pressies

jellybeans · 24/05/2010 21:32

I sometimes wonder whether many men with no DS would feel a hankering for a DS. Is it normal for them to always be sad they haven't got a DS? Would we sympathise as much? Just looking at it the other way. I have known several men 'desperate' for a son. We had 3 DDs first, sadly lost DD3. Then we had DSs and DH admitted he was over the moon and although he loved his DDs he deep down would have liked a DS too.

A friends DH said to me after his DS was born (his 1st baby) he was glad it was a boy as 'girls are just not the same'. I was abit miffed as had just had my first baby a few weeks before, a girl!! Well, the guy has since gone on to have a DD and guess what he is smitten!

menopausemad · 24/05/2010 21:48

We have three boys. We both felt a little sadness when we found out at an early scan the third was a boy. A couple of years later any lingering sadness disappeared when I saw my gynaecologist. He has three boys and being desperate for a girl he and his wife 'tried' again. Their fourth pregnancy produced triplets - all male!

I am very happy with my lads and find their girlfriends a good dose of comparing nail varnish when the need arises!

PiscesLondon · 24/05/2010 22:18

arrrggghhh!!!!

just wrote a huge piece for all the mothers with sons on this thread and it hasn't posted. CBA typing it all again but in a nutshell....

i have a massive family, loads of male cousins, and all their wives/partners have fabulous relationships with my aunties and my aunties are very much involved in their GC's lives.

if you bring your boys up to be family oriented and are a great, loving mother, then the likelihood is that your DS's will settle down with a wonderful, family oriented woman with whom you will have a great relationship. think of all the qualities you would like in a MIL and adopt those qualities when the time comes.

my MIL is lovely, heart of gold and i love her to bits. if she was the type who loved shopping, beauty treatments and girly things then we would be firm friends, but she's not really like that.

all the men i know (family, friends, DP) idolise their mothers. i think most mothers and sons have a rock solid bond.

florencerusty · 24/05/2010 22:19

Hmmmmm YANBU to be sad its reasonable

I have 3 daughters with me but my only little boy was born sleeping. I am sad that it is highly unlikely I will never be mummy to a son at home

I am more than grateful for my girls and the daughter born since my son is more than precious but its still sad.

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