Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be sad that I'll never have a daughter?

103 replies

kizzie · 23/04/2008 16:59

I think I probably know the answer from most mumsnetters from similar threads. (Ie. be grateful for what you've got!)

I've got gorgeous twin boys born as a result of ICSI. Ive got a great relationship with them and they are just lovely. For a long time i thought i'd never have them because of fertility issues and DH and I both feel absolutely blessed to have them.

For medical reasons we've been told that IVF very unlikely to work in the future so we cant ahve any more children. I would really love another child (boy or girl) but slowly coming to terms with the fact that it isnt going to happen.

But I just feel sad that I'll never have a daughter.

I know I am very very lucky (apart from fertility issues, my sister has just had a miscarriage adn im desperate for her have a healthy pregnancy and baby - far far more than anything for me.)

Im very rational about it - as i say i know Im lucky. And I know its not going to happen. But its just a sadness that im guessing will just go away one day?

x

OP posts:
cluelessnchaos · 23/04/2008 19:44

I had ds after 2 dds, and I thought it would be completely different, but actually it is the same love, same feelings and there are more similarities between ds and dd2 than between the girls, I loved what somebody else said about looking forward to daughter in laws and grandaughters, the girls are for a different stage of your life and they will be so special. My MIL is the best mum I have ever had.

AbbeyA · 23/04/2008 19:47

It cheers me up no end when people make comments like yours cluelesschaos!

Cammelia · 23/04/2008 19:48

Not BU at all. I "miss" the son that I will never have. I have even imagined him and what he would look like sometimes. This despite adoring my 2 dd's with a passion.

Its the desire for the unknown.

MrsMattie · 23/04/2008 19:50

YANBU. I have a 3 yr old son and am pregnant again and for multiple reasons we know this will be our 2nd and final child, so if it's a boy (which will be lovely) we'll only ever have boys, and that does make me a tiny bit sad.

cluelessnchaos · 23/04/2008 19:52

Thank you abbey

bumpybecky · 23/04/2008 19:54

YANBU not at all. My MIL had 4 boys and I know they would have really liked a girl. Twenty five years later and they've got 6 grandaughters (and three grandsons) so the girls did arrive eventually!

I'm another one who gets on better with my MIL than my own Mum. Sad, but thats the way things have worked out.

Troutpout · 23/04/2008 20:02

No you aren't b u
i think it will go away one day. My mil was desperate for a daughter (dh was the third and final son)...she said as they grew up and she moved on from small child parenting ..the pangs just stopped.
She definitely favours the girl grandchildren though(she has 3) which can be a bit difficult at times.

cat64 · 23/04/2008 20:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

SandyDennyWasAGreatSinger · 23/04/2008 20:26

sorry to hear you're feeling this way. must be really hard for you. I know you said adoption isn't an option but perhaps at some point in the future you could consider fostering? Where we live there's a massive drive on to try and get people to consider it, although i suppose it changes from one area to another. might not be an option while your dcs are still quite young tho.

Mercy · 23/04/2008 20:36

yanbu.

To be absolutely honest I hoped that my first child would be a girl because it was highly probable that she would be my only child (db and partner dpn't have children, dh's family in a different country etc).

But I now have a boy and a girl and am very happy.

Mundane? No way!

SilentTerror · 23/04/2008 20:39

Iknow I would have missed having a daughter,in a different way to missing having a son.
I have 3 DDs and 1 Ds,so am very blessed.
However I feel more a mother of girls if that makes sense!
I love the ballet and brownies and hairstyling and of course clothes shopping.
Have to say though that ime teenage girls are a nightmare,far far worse than boys.
My eldest DD helps herself to all my stuff,we have resorted to locking our bedroom door when we go out!
I wouldn't mind too much but it all ends up on her floor with all the rest of her things!My lovely son though is delightful to me!
Did a course in adolescent psychology for my nursing job and always remember the psychologist saying ' teenage girls argue with their mothers twice a day on average,teenage boys once a fortnight!'
Cherish those boys!

Elasticwoman · 23/04/2008 21:21

My friend wanted a girl from the beginning, but had a succession of boys. Finally, at the 4th pregnancy she said "well I hope it's a girl but if it's another boy I hope he turns out to be gay and then at least I'll have some one to go shopping with!"

bluenosesaint · 23/04/2008 22:02

YANBU IMO

I felt exactly the same on hearing that i was pg with dd3. Not sad that i was to be blessed with another daughter - just sad that i would never have the experience of having a son.

It passes. My dd3 is an utter delight and sooooooo meant to be

You are lucky. You know that. I'm lucky too

Original poster
kizzie · 24/04/2008 12:00

Interesting reading all the shopping comments etc. Im not really a 'girly girl' myself - just enjoy female company of all types.

I have completely thrown myself in my boys world. They are very sporty (same as DH) which im not but I knew if I didnt get involved then I would be separated from their lives quite a lot. Ive been at every match in snow, wind & rain (one of the only mums who is always there. interestingly the mums who also have girls very rarely come to the matches. they leave it to the dads .)

I also quite strongly feel that if I HAD been able to have another child it would have been a boy. And I would have totally adored him - another baby would have been wonderful. So i think deep down it was just never meant to be.

Like Abbey I feel very reassured by all the positive MIL and grandma stories in this thread. !!! x

OP posts:
SilentTerror · 24/04/2008 12:03

Kizzie,I notice that about sports matches too!
All my friends with just boys are really in to sport and always watch,but those of us with girls too don't as much (in my case,never.
Am much more at home in Topshop than on the touchline

Disenchanted · 24/04/2008 12:11

I understand.

I have 2 sons, 2 nephews and my baby cousin is a boy.

No girls in our family for 15 years.

I love my sons to pieces and infact all I ever wanted was sons! Because I am 1 of 4 girls!

I was delighted when DS1 was confirmed as a boy and even more so when DS2 was confirmed! I was amazed that I could produce boys when my mother couldn't (all 4 female pregnancies ran smoothly but all 3 male pregnancies MC)

But now as I am here carrying my 3rd child I am hoping for a girl.

I will love my son if thats what I have,

But I would like to have a daughter too.

duchesse · 24/04/2008 12:16

A friend from university was the oldest of 5 boys. His mother started fostering girls when the youngest boy was about 11, to fulfil her need for mothering daughters. I can totally understand your position, but as others have said there may be g-daughters & nieces in time.

Sallyre · 24/04/2008 12:19

I don't think so at all. When I was pregnant with DS 2 and found out he was a boy, I had a few weeks where I mourned the daughter I'd never have and I allowed myself to do so - it's why I wanted to know his gender at the scan so I could get it out of my system as it were. I had severe Gestational Diabetes with both pregnancies and would end up with no pancreas if we went for it again (and I don't know if I have the energy for 3!!)

I felt the same - to never have a daughter to share my own female experience with. And I think that when your child has a child, if it's your daughter then you're closer to it....might be wrong....

YANBU at all....

anniemac · 24/04/2008 12:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

WinkyWinkola · 24/04/2008 12:25

YANBU. It is like mourning something that's not going to be. Very very natural.

Have you considered adopting or fostering? That's a massive step, I'm sure.

chipmonkey · 24/04/2008 12:37

I have to say I don't like it when people say "But you will get DILs and maybe granddaughters" They are not the same thing at all, probably not helped by the fact that my relationship with my own MIL is very strained.
Dh thinks I will be a much nicer MIL than his Mum though, so maybe it will be OK!

Original poster
kizzie · 24/04/2008 14:46

Hi Winky - mentioned our experience with adoption earlier in thread x

OP posts:
Original poster
kizzie · 24/04/2008 14:52

One of my SIL had 5 (!) boys and made no secret of the fact that she kept having children because she wanted a girl. Shes a very good mum to all her sons but she said she just didnt feel complete. in the end they gave up and of course the inevitable happened - she got pregnant and finally had a girl. And there is absolutely no doubt that my neice is what she had been waiting for. There is a sense of peace and happiness about her that she has the daughter she wanted. The boys all dote on their sister too. Its hard to explain.

(My neice is lovely and I love spending time with her but they live a long way away so we dont get to see them too often.)

x

OP posts:
alicet · 24/04/2008 16:11

Kizzie YANBU.

I have 2 wonderful sons who I love with all my heart. I wouldn't change them for the world. But we are not having any more and I too occasionally have moments where I wistfully imagine the daughter that will never be.

Your post where you talked about them being sporty and you not really hit home too. Same as dh and I although my boys are still too little to know if they will be too. I have decided that I'm going to pull my finger out to get fit so I can do sporty stuff with my family and to go to all their sports matches and stuff. I am not about to be excluded!

However on the plus side I think I will also enjoy chilling with a glass of wine on holidays later while my boys all go off on long cylce rides!

And I plan to make sure I have the sort of relationship with my sons and their future wives where they will welcome me in their likve in much the same way as their wives will their mums. I see this as my responsibility to nurture this type of relationship so I don't miss out.

So I guess what I am trying to say is that YANBU. But there are lots of pluses too.

Nanoon · 24/04/2008 21:04

i have 2 boys and while i adore them i did feel really sad (and very guilty for feeling so jealous) when SIL gave birth to a boy (she already has DD) just three weeks after is gave birth to DS2.

I am not to ready to say whether we will stop at two as DS2 is only 4 months old but i don't want to try just to try and have a DD.

I do think its only natural though to feel like this.