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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To un-RSVP to this wedding?

480 replies

SaltySallyAnne · 14/10/2024 12:19

Not sure if I’m being a bit dramatic or entitled to feel a bit put out

context -
We have been invited to DHs cousins wedding. It’s in a remote area of Scotland and on a Thursday. To attend we need to take 3 days off work and it’s child free so will need to leave DD at home and my aunt is coming to look after her and drop off at school etc.

The bride and Groom have no family that way and are all southerners so travel is quite a lot for everyone. (Grooms family is Devon based)

Due to the remote location and being in an area of outstanding beauty hotels within an hour radius of the wedding venue are expensive. The cheapest we have seen is £250 a night (for a B&B over a pub…)

Now, although it’s annoying having to take so much time off work, and the hotel costs, we RSVP’d yes as we can just about afford the hotel and it’s a family wedding, doesn’t happen every day etc. plus there are some family members that are relatively old and it might be the last big family celebration they make it to.

Now onto the AIBU.

The wedding venue is a castle type location, and in the grounds there is accommodation as part of the wedding package. 50 rooms. The cost to guests is only £120 for the 2 nights needed (night before and night of the wedding) FIL and his wife were given a room, which we expected since aunt and uncle are immediate family.

However we have just found out that they have also offered one of these rooms to DHs brother and his wife, in addition to his step sister and her boyfriend.

This has rubbed DH and I up the wrong way, we had assumed on site accommodation was for immediate family and cousins were a bit far removed. But to find out one of DHs brothers and his step sister were given one is a bit shit. (All siblings are adults, in well paid jobs so it’s not due to that)

In my view they have decided who in their families they want to ensure attend the wedding, by offering cheaper lodging and (as I’ve found out yesterday) putting on transport for guests staying on site. I begrudge paying over £500, taking 3 days off work and leaving DD for 3 days to go to the wedding of someone who clearly isn’t too concerned about us attending.

DH is annoyed and a bit hurt, but says since we have already said we are going and were fine with all the inconveniences until finding out about his step sister and brother being offered a room, it’s a bit unreasonable to now back out. (The wedding is over the Easter half term next year, so I think that’s still plenty of notice)

AIBU to not go purely because of who they allocated on site lodgings to?

OP posts:
Figsonit · 14/10/2024 15:23

I'm slightly surprised they have 100 people willing to travel to Scotland to stay at the castle. How many are going to the wedding in total?

They obviously see your FIL's children with his current wife as closer family than the two children from his first marriage. Thus the B list invite. It sounds like it would only annoy, and embarrass, your DH more to be there as a second tier guest.

Savingthehedgehogs · 14/10/2024 15:23

Even forgetting the back story and the issue with rooms I would not be leaving my child for 3 days, spending all of my time and annual leave on this! You could probably take your dd to Disneyland or equivalent for a few days for the same cost!! This is a chronic waste of your time and money op.

I would not go, stating the exorbitant costs and travel, and use the money to buy some counselling sessions for your dh and a treat for your little girl. Family trauma is not fixed by doing more for the very people that hurt you. Your dh needs to find his self respect, and stop chasing those that are just using him as party filler for their special occasions.

Use the wonderfully worded text posted by pp and enjoy the money and time off doing something you actually like and want to do!

Original poster
SaltySallyAnne · 14/10/2024 15:24

Threeboystwocatsandadog · 14/10/2024 15:17

A child free, destination wedding in the school holidays was never going to please everyone. If your dd had been invited you could have made it into a lovely holiday Depending on which castle the wedding is being held at you may have got a luxury caravan on a site nearby for the price of your 2 nights in a hotel. I wouldn’t go but it would be the child free aspect that would put me off.

Definitely, what was worse is this cousin mentioned last Christmas in passing maybe asking DD to be a flower girl. Now she isn’t invited and we’re bumped to the B list

OP posts:
Ilovelifeverymuch · 14/10/2024 15:24

SaltySallyAnne · 14/10/2024 15:09

Is this a real question? Why would the child left out for their entire life, as an adult still want to go and try and get his family to like him?

im done replying to people with absolutely 0 understanding of childhood trauma

Show quote history

The point of my question is you don't want to go yet he wants to isn't it? We've told you to support your husband and go with him but you've refused, now we ask why he still wants to go you're getting upset, so what do you want from this thread?

Again I don't see the point in you spending ages going back and forth on mumsnet, decide what you want to do with your husband do it. If you want to pull out go ahead, you have enough valid reasons to do so, and if you decide to go then go. I don't see what you're going to get by conditioning the back and forth on this thread. The issue is you and your DH have to agree on what you do.

But yes my question is valid if he hasn't been likes by his family all his life why is he still so eager to keep being a doormat for them? Again your not close to them, this isn't new so I'm still it sure why you're getting all upset and acting like your DH was close to them. His brother knows where he stands and wisely declined but you and your DH accepted despite the fact you claim there has been years and years of abuse, neglect and trauma.

So again why does your husband still want to go despite all you have said?

If your husband's wants to go do he can get them to like him then he has some serious work to do on himself and that should be your priority not this wedding.

Original poster
SaltySallyAnne · 14/10/2024 15:25

Figsonit · 14/10/2024 15:23

I'm slightly surprised they have 100 people willing to travel to Scotland to stay at the castle. How many are going to the wedding in total?

They obviously see your FIL's children with his current wife as closer family than the two children from his first marriage. Thus the B list invite. It sounds like it would only annoy, and embarrass, your DH more to be there as a second tier guest.

The second paragraph is exactly it. DH has always felt like that from childhood but this is the first time for a while it’s been shown like this

OP posts:
Miniopolis · 14/10/2024 15:25

AlleeBee · 14/10/2024 13:12

You are being unreasonable to call the Easter holidays "half term".

That’s such an empathetic and carefully thought out response.

Easipeelerie · 14/10/2024 15:27

If you don’t go, you won’t to have to give them the money present either.

If you would like to see the elderly relatives, do it in your own time. Maybe take them out for afternoon tea or something memorable for them and you.

sandyhappypeople · 14/10/2024 15:32

I would be inclined to say no, that now you've looked into it, accommodation round there is just too expensive to justify it.

By putting it on specific invites only, they have very obviously hand picked the people they want staying in the hotel with them, which you could argue is up to them but to expect everyone else to have to pay £500 when the hand picked people are paying £120 for accommodation is a piss take imo.. they could have at least organised options elsewhere or offered to lay on transport for the people having to stay further away at much more cost.

They obviously aren't bothered if the B list go or not, so for those eyewatering prices I'd decline.

WittyOrca · 14/10/2024 15:33

I found myself in a similar situation last year.
Although my DH did not feel excluded growing up and had a nice relationship with the bride and the groom, we decided not to attend. The bride and the groom have the full right to organise the wedding the way they want (also a remote location and child-free, the accommodation covered only for selected family members), you also have to full right not to attend for logical reasons you've mentioned. In our case, I didn't like the lack of consideration for the guests, regardless of how Instagrammable the location was.

tuvamoodyson · 14/10/2024 15:33

SaltySallyAnne · 14/10/2024 14:02

eh when I’m paying for it, it’s also my decision.

Show quote history

Just don’t go.

thestudio · 14/10/2024 15:35

SaltySallyAnne · 14/10/2024 13:05

Of course it’s possible they’re closer to DHs step sister and brother. That’s entirely the point. They’ve cherry picked who they want. If they don’t really care too much about us going im a bit miffed at paying so much and taking so much time off work to attend.

If It was in the church down the road on a Saturday I’d go no problem. It’s all the extra effort we need to put in that’s annoying me since it’s clear they’re not all that fussed.

Show quote history

But OP, it doesn't mean you're not wanted, just perhaps that they're more in tune with the others are at this stage in their lives?

It's a fact of life that we all have preferences - you do too I'm sure - and at your own wedding you'd really want to make sure that the people you felt you had most in common with were there.

It doesn't mean they don't love your DH or value you as a couple. And realistically, if they've gone for Scotland at all they're not prioritising others' time and won't be valuing (or not valuing) the efforts you're making to get there.

I'm assuming that they haven't paid for all 60 rooms and the other rooms have in the meantime been taken by other guests - in which case, you're really talking about them subsidising others by a matter of £120, but not you. You're not staying at the castle because you weren't quick enough off the mark to get one of the other non-subsidised rooms. It's all a bit annoying and frustrating, but it's not really a biggie.

MumChp · 14/10/2024 15:37

SaltySallyAnne · 14/10/2024 15:09

Is this a real question? Why would the child left out for their entire life, as an adult still want to go and try and get his family to like him?

im done replying to people with absolutely 0 understanding of childhood trauma

Show quote history

I was in fostercare at 11 yo. I know about childhood trauma.
But.... they are not children. Be carefull to see everything in a wrong light.
Your husband is a grown up. If he doesn't want to go because he isn't close because of their childhood it's fine. But don't make it an excuse for bad feelings over a free room.

HollyKnight · 14/10/2024 15:41

DH has always felt like that from childhood but this is the first time for a while it’s been shown like this

That's natural though when families break up and start over. Was your DH (and sister) raised by his father and stepmother? Or were they with their mother? These cousins are FIL's family so obviously they're going to see FIL's family unit as their family somewhat more than cousins who they saw less of due to a family breakup. Unless you're going to say that DH and his sister actually did grow up within that family unit full-time, it's not unusual for there to be differences in relationships.

Littys · 14/10/2024 15:42

What a faff of a wedding.
I wouldn't hesitate at all to post decline.
It no longer suits.
The 3 days leave would be enough for me, unless it was someone really dear to me.
Ditch it OP and don't give it another thought.

BettyBardMacDonald · 14/10/2024 15:47

Paying £500+, 3 days off work and all that travel to attend the wedding when you’re a B guest

The three days annual leave alone would make it a hard "no" from me. We have a longtime policy of only attending weddings within easy reach, that won't suck up our entire weekend. And generally then, ceremony only.

I'm sorry that your husband is having his feelings hurt over this; it's really so thoughtless of the B&G.

Agree with others that they probably expected you to decline.

WhimsicalGubbins76 · 14/10/2024 15:51

I would 100% back out and I’d have no qualms giving the precise reason.

NeckolasCage · 14/10/2024 15:51

I get both sides of this, and I think you should support your DH in going if he wants to,

BUT personally when I’ve found myself in these situations I’ve felt much better in hindsight when I’ve said no to being ok with being on the B-list. Honestly - fuck that. People know what they’re doing in these situations. They really do. As long as you draw your boundaries with a smile, and stay polite, then yes it’s fine to basically say no I’m not ok with what this is saying. And I think you should.

For me it’s actually more about your DD too. Bless her, not long started in school and she’s going to be going in over the break, to a school club? And you away for three days? I wouldn’t have been ok with that at that point - she’ll need her downtime, starting school is tiring and emotionally draining and I just wouldn’t want her first half term break to be spent like that 😢

And then there’s the money which would also really sting and I would not be apologising for feeling like that!

I’d say no. I’d send a nice message saying sorry but DD has had a wobbly couple of weeks adjusting to school, we’ve been shocked at the cost of accommodation outwith the hotel and hadn’t realised how much of a difference it makes to the costs for us (😈) and so sorry, I/we are going to have to pull out.

Tell your DH that this is what you’ve decided for you, but if he still wants to go then it will be cheaper, better for DD, less hassle and he/you as a family will have ‘stood up’ for yourselves and made your point without being rude - you will have made it clear that you’ll be gracious but no, you aren’t going to move heaven and earth for them (when they clearly haven’t prioritised you).

That’s what I’d do.

Tweety79 · 14/10/2024 15:52

goingdownfighting · 14/10/2024 12:44

I would just text them.

Is there any accommodation left at the venue? Didn't realise it was open to everyone as the costs are becoming prohibitive. Please let me know as we might not be able to afford the alternatives.

Thanks.

Perfect. Polite and to the point.

BettyBardMacDonald · 14/10/2024 15:53

If you want to foster the relationships: will they be in your area at Christmas/New Year? Would it make any sense for you to host a little informal gathering at home, to "celebrate" the marriage with snacks and wine, in the festive season. Maybe look at the photos from the wedding? Perhaps include others who declined or weren't invited?

That way your husband would get to see his relatives before long, and you would participate graciously in an acknowledgment of the wedding, along with whoever else in driving distance makes sense. Cost you 100 quid instead of three days annual leave, a small fortune and all the faff and travel.

If you toss out that idea when you are un-RSVP-ing, it might take the sting out. Not that I think you should worry about their reaction to your declining; it's a perfectly sensible choice.

Boomer55 · 14/10/2024 15:55

Go or don’t go. Your choice. 🙂

mumofbun · 14/10/2024 15:56

Is it possible they could've drawn names out of a hat for the remaining rooms after the immediate family were assigned? Trying to save arguments but somehow causing more drama?

Original poster
SaltySallyAnne · 14/10/2024 15:57

thestudio · 14/10/2024 15:35

But OP, it doesn't mean you're not wanted, just perhaps that they're more in tune with the others are at this stage in their lives?

It's a fact of life that we all have preferences - you do too I'm sure - and at your own wedding you'd really want to make sure that the people you felt you had most in common with were there.

It doesn't mean they don't love your DH or value you as a couple. And realistically, if they've gone for Scotland at all they're not prioritising others' time and won't be valuing (or not valuing) the efforts you're making to get there.

I'm assuming that they haven't paid for all 60 rooms and the other rooms have in the meantime been taken by other guests - in which case, you're really talking about them subsidising others by a matter of £120, but not you. You're not staying at the castle because you weren't quick enough off the mark to get one of the other non-subsidised rooms. It's all a bit annoying and frustrating, but it's not really a biggie.

Show quote history

Not sure about what your last paragraph means. They’re not subsidising anyone. The rooms come with their wedding package at a cost of £120 for the two nights. That cost is passed onto the guests.

OP posts:
Saz12 · 14/10/2024 16:00

Sounds like they didn't offer accomodation at the venue to those with DC? If they want a totally childfree wedding I get why they'd keep venue childfree.
I don't get child free weddings, but that'd be my guess.

LetsSeeHowFarWeveCome · 14/10/2024 16:02

Just decline belatedly.
Tell them you've crunched the numbers and you can't do it.
Send them a card and a token gift

3 days off work = loss of time off which costs you in terms of being available for your DCs when they're off school and having to pay/lose money to cover it
Travel costs
Accommodation costs, including extortionate hotel room for a couple of night, meals out, etc, instead of the discounted 'wedding accommodation'
Childcare issues

Just decline.

Or send your husband with the proviso he finds an extra bed in the 'wedding accommodation' which likely exists...

thestudio · 14/10/2024 16:02

SaltySallyAnne · 14/10/2024 15:57

Not sure about what your last paragraph means. They’re not subsidising anyone. The rooms come with their wedding package at a cost of £120 for the two nights. That cost is passed onto the guests.

Show quote history

So you're saying that they have allocated an on-site room to 50-odd couples but you are not one of them?