To un-RSVP to this wedding?

[SaltySallyAnne]

Not sure if I’m being a bit dramatic or entitled to feel a bit put out

context -
We have been invited to DHs cousins wedding. It’s in a remote area of Scotland and on a Thursday. To attend we need to take 3 days off work and it’s child free so will need to leave DD at home and my aunt is coming to look after her and drop off at school etc.

The bride and Groom have no family that way and are all southerners so travel is quite a lot for everyone. (Grooms family is Devon based)

Due to the remote location and being in an area of outstanding beauty hotels within an hour radius of the wedding venue are expensive. The cheapest we have seen is £250 a night (for a B&B over a pub…)

Now, although it’s annoying having to take so much time off work, and the hotel costs, we RSVP’d yes as we can just about afford the hotel and it’s a family wedding, doesn’t happen every day etc. plus there are some family members that are relatively old and it might be the last big family celebration they make it to.

Now onto the AIBU.

The wedding venue is a castle type location, and in the grounds there is accommodation as part of the wedding package. 50 rooms. The cost to guests is only £120 for the 2 nights needed (night before and night of the wedding) FIL and his wife were given a room, which we expected since aunt and uncle are immediate family.

However we have just found out that they have also offered one of these rooms to DHs brother and his wife, in addition to his step sister and her boyfriend.

This has rubbed DH and I up the wrong way, we had assumed on site accommodation was for immediate family and cousins were a bit far removed. But to find out one of DHs brothers and his step sister were given one is a bit shit. (All siblings are adults, in well paid jobs so it’s not due to that)

In my view they have decided who in their families they want to ensure attend the wedding, by offering cheaper lodging and (as I’ve found out yesterday) putting on transport for guests staying on site. I begrudge paying over £500, taking 3 days off work and leaving DD for 3 days to go to the wedding of someone who clearly isn’t too concerned about us attending.

DH is annoyed and a bit hurt, but says since we have already said we are going and were fine with all the inconveniences until finding out about his step sister and brother being offered a room, it’s a bit unreasonable to now back out. (The wedding is over the Easter half term next year, so I think that’s still plenty of notice)

AIBU to not go purely because of who they allocated on site lodgings to?

If you don’t want to go, don’t go. It’s a long way and lots of days holiday, if I was you. Your shoes i wouldn’t bother. If your husband really wants to go can he go in his own?

You probably shouldn’t go as you are working yourself up into a state of righteous indignation and you might kick off at their wedding.

I think you’re overreacting personally. It sounds lovely. You keep going on and on about the money. If you can’t afford it don’t go. My view is as you get older family weddings become few and far between they are a lovely way to see extended family. Think you would be cutting off your nose to spite your face if you boycott in a huff.

Jesus wept

Meh, I wouldn't go. Sounds like too much of a hassle. Spend the £500 on a weekend away en famille.

Yes

You don’t want to go. So don’t. Why the angst?

I don't think it's 'off' to only offer accommodation to 2 out of 4 siblings, if those relationships are closer. Even if that weren't the case, they had to draw the line somewhere - but if all 4 siblings were borderline and they chose 2 for the accommodation based on a trivial reason, the couple should have explained earlier to avoid this exact situation.
It's sad that this is the first time your DH is realising his relationship isn't as close. Does he put effort into the relationship with these cousins which he feels isn't reciprocated? Or does he end up just not making the effort himself? If he grew up feeling left out he may be doing that without realising, which could be something to work on.

I wouldn’t go. A holiday fine but to spend so much money on attending a wedding leaving children behind, having to take leave etc id only go if I was really wanted there and close to the person. Not worth going if you're just invited because there was a spare seat/as an after thought.

You've said your husband is quite hurt. Are you helping, it does sound as though you are making things considerably worse and highlighting just how shit his family is. Your husband wants to go, you've said? So go and stop making this worse than it needs to be. He knows how shit they are, you've repeatedly highlighted he's on the B list, but if he wants to go, go.

I think that’s the crux of the issue. Until this he thought they all shared the same or similar level of relationship with their cousins. This is the first time it’s been made clear some are closer. He makes an effort, as much as two blokes do, they’re close in age and have lots in common so chat a lot, we see them 4/5 times a year but thought that was similar to the others. Clearly not - that’s the issue. He is wondering whether there has been more he has been left out of over the years in order for this cousin to be closer to his step sibling and younger brother.

This is exactly this, we felt quite close to them, so were ok spending the money, but now realising that isn’t reciprocated has made me reconsider

I wouldn’t go to be honest. I imagine some rooms may come available when people realise they will have similar inconveniences ahead of them.

For all you know they had 50 rooms to allocate to guests, drew up the list and you were 51st.
you have no idea on the criteria they used.
3 days in Scotland with a wedding as well sounds like a lovely break.
unless you really can’t afford it, but to cancel because you’re miffed at not being on the A list is just churlish.

Ok - that wasn't very clear in your OP.

Hmm. I think (I'm sure this will annoy you) that you are quite a bristly person - your responses here have been quite arsey (but then again, so have some of the comments). But I do think your DH is right to be sad and that you're right to be unwilling to spend so much time, money, and lost holiday to go all that way if you're not in their top 60 couples.

But you cannot be huffy about it. It is what it is and you can't make ppl like you. At the same time, you should encourage DH to understand that he is worth more than this and that it's quite likely he will feel further snubs on the day/s of the wedding. Tell him that they're allowed to like who they like, and it's not uncommon for first families to be edged out - but that equally, he's allowed to not put himself forward for another kicking.

I think you probably should say, in a very cheery, breezy tone: 'Oh no this is gutting but we've been looking at accommodation outside the grounds now and I'm afraid it's taking us way over our budget because of other financial commitments next year. I'm so sorry, we're going to have to miss it Sam (or whomeover). Such a shame, we're gutted not to be there on your big day but really hope you have an amazing time - we've sent a small gift for your honeymoon fund, big congrats!'

That way, you've not actively opened up hostilities, but you're also not actually paying to feel shit.

Just decline belatedly.
Tell them you've crunched the numbers and you can't do it.
Send them a card and a token gift

This is good. "Crunched the numbers" sounds objective and impersonal, and as that is exactly what THEY are doing in deciding who makes the A list and who makes the B list, they cannot complain.

Had you actually sent an acceptance, or was it just generally thought that you would attend?

If you've already accepted, I'd send a note/text/e-mail posthaste:

"Dear B&G, hard to believe it's nearly November! Time flies!
Just wanted to let you know as your firm up your wedding plans, we have crunched the numbers and unfortunately can't make it work this time.

We also need to reserve our annual leave for child care during half term. That's just the way it is for young parents these days.

We wish you all the best on your wedding weekend, and look forward to seeing you and the photos after your honeymoon.
Love, SS and DH

Don't quite say you'll be "gutted" to miss the wedding, in case they leap into action and offer some half-arsed solution to the problem, like bunking you in with other people.

Just say you'll have to give it a miss, wish them well and move on. It's only a wedding.

51st is pretty far down for people who grew up together.

I'd be taking the hint, sadly for OP's DH.

Oh wow, 4/5 times a year sounds like a lot to me (more than I manage with many of my closest friends!) so I totally understand why he's hurt and why you feel protective. You don't think they maybe assumed that as parents you were less likely to come to a child free wedding?

@SaltySallyAnne You both need to discuss and decide which option would make you feel worse. Attending and going through the hassle/cost or not attending and missing out.
If you do attend, you need to own that decision 100% and not get bitter about the favouritism or room allocations. Just go and enjoy it. 100% on your terms.
If you don't, make sure you base the decision on affordability/inconvenience/not really caring about the whole party. Apologise, state your reasons and send a nice gift. Be prepared to defend the decision years to come.
Whatever you do, do it with 100% accountability. Its your decision. The room-situation should not be a part of it.

There is no way in hell I would leave my daughter, who they mentioned earlier being a flower girl, plus take three days off to go to that wedding. When they are siblings and you didn’t get offered accomodation like the other siblings. There is no way. And I would be honest about it. It’s embarrassing.

Nowhere does the OP say they grew up together.
I'm closer with some cousins than others. I’d say that’s normal.
OP doesn’t even say if they are first cousins , although I’ve made that assumption.

They aren’t siblings they are cousins.

Don't go.
They sound entitled and selfish.
Save the money for something nice

You aren’t going to enjoy it anyway so I’d blow it off. I think a childfree wedding in the arse end of nowhere is the epitome of wedding bollocks. Go somewhere nice with your dd over Easter with the cash instead 😊