To un-RSVP to this wedding?

[SaltySallyAnne]

Not sure if I’m being a bit dramatic or entitled to feel a bit put out

context -
We have been invited to DHs cousins wedding. It’s in a remote area of Scotland and on a Thursday. To attend we need to take 3 days off work and it’s child free so will need to leave DD at home and my aunt is coming to look after her and drop off at school etc.

The bride and Groom have no family that way and are all southerners so travel is quite a lot for everyone. (Grooms family is Devon based)

Due to the remote location and being in an area of outstanding beauty hotels within an hour radius of the wedding venue are expensive. The cheapest we have seen is £250 a night (for a B&B over a pub…)

Now, although it’s annoying having to take so much time off work, and the hotel costs, we RSVP’d yes as we can just about afford the hotel and it’s a family wedding, doesn’t happen every day etc. plus there are some family members that are relatively old and it might be the last big family celebration they make it to.

Now onto the AIBU.

The wedding venue is a castle type location, and in the grounds there is accommodation as part of the wedding package. 50 rooms. The cost to guests is only £120 for the 2 nights needed (night before and night of the wedding) FIL and his wife were given a room, which we expected since aunt and uncle are immediate family.

However we have just found out that they have also offered one of these rooms to DHs brother and his wife, in addition to his step sister and her boyfriend.

This has rubbed DH and I up the wrong way, we had assumed on site accommodation was for immediate family and cousins were a bit far removed. But to find out one of DHs brothers and his step sister were given one is a bit shit. (All siblings are adults, in well paid jobs so it’s not due to that)

In my view they have decided who in their families they want to ensure attend the wedding, by offering cheaper lodging and (as I’ve found out yesterday) putting on transport for guests staying on site. I begrudge paying over £500, taking 3 days off work and leaving DD for 3 days to go to the wedding of someone who clearly isn’t too concerned about us attending.

DH is annoyed and a bit hurt, but says since we have already said we are going and were fine with all the inconveniences until finding out about his step sister and brother being offered a room, it’s a bit unreasonable to now back out. (The wedding is over the Easter half term next year, so I think that’s still plenty of notice)

AIBU to not go purely because of who they allocated on site lodgings to?

Exactly.

Or you could ask them outright - "We have worked out it will cost us 6 days holiday between us and £800 to get to your wedding and all it entails. We won't be in a position after all that you give you a gift. Which would you prefer - us or money?" That should out their real view of you!!

(Tongue only slightly in my cheek with that message!)

I wouldn’t go to be honest, wouldn’t want to spend all that money on something that annoyed me!

Apologies I meant he always felt left out with his immediate family. He has a ‘normal’ relationship with his cousins, but now knowing that there are probably other events he isn’t invited to is just the icing on the cake

Did they offer the room to the first people who asked ?

Ha yes but what if they choose the money and reply with their bank details??

Problem sorted!
Send a tenner and job done 😁

I wouldn’t go. While I would be able to accept the room offer could be because the others are closer and they had limited space, I would be really pissed off they couldn’t at least offer the transport to all cousins. It makes it very clear who they really want there

You say you're in greater need of the rooms as you have higher expenses - a kid and a mortgage. So the siblings who got the rooms don't have kids/mortgages? And they're younger? Then I think they did this for two reasons:

1. It's a childfree Thursday wedding - they assumed people with kids, including you, would decline.

2. They see you and your other sibling with kids as more 'adult' and less in need than the two younger siblings. (Regardless of whether or not that's actually true.)

I think it's clumsy and it's not have I would have handled it (I would also not be dragging everyone to the other end of the country on a Thursday but hey ho) but it might not have any implications for how close they are to your husband.

We have already asked

Nope. I said if anything us and the other sibling not offered a room are in a less great financial situation. In response to someone saying maybe it’s because the two offered are harder up

Goodness me.

So why does he still want to go? That the cruz of the issue now isn't it? Knowing that they don't consider you as their core circle and are not as close to you as they are to the others you do not want to go anymore which makes sense but your DH still wants to go?

Are you sure the venue info wasn’t included in your invite as well? I would have expected it (excluding immediate family/ wedding party) to be a first come first served situation in relation to booking

If you were happy to go in the first place then I'd still go, your DH may regret missing the last big family event if any of the older relatives die in the near future.

It sounds like they've maybe offered to those 2 siblings as they don't have kids, and are therefore the most likely to go to a child free wedding. Or they could have had 2 rooms left and picked 2 names out of a hat. I think your husband is overthinking it based on how he felt as a child.

No

Difficult one. I do totally get how your husband is feeling, and I sympathise, but the logical side of me can’t help but think that if places to stay were limited, as they were, there obviously has to be a cut off somewhere and it’s just bad luck he was on the ‘wrong’ side of the cut, so to speak! I wouldn’t let this sway my decision to attend, but if it’s otherwise too expensive or too much hassle overall, then you’re not obliged to go!

Is this a real question? Why would the child left out for their entire life, as an adult still want to go and try and get his family to like him?

im done replying to people with absolutely 0 understanding of childhood trauma

A. Why on earth does this mean there's probably other events he's not invited to?

B. Even if there are, is that really such a big deal? This isn't a parent favouring one child over the other, it's a cousin having different relationship with different cousins. That's fine even if some of them are siblings.

It's all a bit juvenile, a bit "don't leave your brother out, you have to play with him". They're adults, it's ok if they have different relationships.

They can invite who they want to invite and surely only a select number can get the rooms at the wedding venue. They will pick their favourites for this. If you cannot get over not being one of their favourites then by all means don't go but when you listed the reasons for going at the start, you listed other reasons :

we can just about afford the hotel and
it’s a family wedding, doesn’t happen every day etc. plus
there are some family members that are relatively old and it might be the last big family celebration they make it to

Does not being a favourite negate these reasons?
TBH I think you guys sound a bit childish and need to get over not being the favourites.
You have plenty of time to tell them you are not going so don't worry about that but maybe spend some time thinking if you are right in feeling so slighted.

Could it be that the others mentioned it was costing a lot and the couple offered?

Did you let them know you’d like a room when they sent the invite? Were the rooms maybe allocated on a first come first served basis?

@SaltySallyAnne - again, I think they didn't put you on the accommodation list because they didn't think you'd attend due to having kids

I don't think this means they don't want you there, and I see no basis for thinking you're being left out of other events. That's unhealthy thinking.

A child free, destination wedding in the school holidays was never going to please everyone. If your dd had been invited you could have made it into a lovely holiday Depending on which castle the wedding is being held at you may have got a luxury caravan on a site nearby for the price of your 2 nights in a hotel. I wouldn’t go but it would be the child free aspect that would put me off.

Its probably not intentional, they thought FILl would have help/company? Maybe they are travelling together?

But i know only too well how this can cause upset & stir up unspoken hurt.
I think the best thing is not to go.
What if you are then put on a table at the back ?
Or if you go, just be determined to make the most of it, & enjoy meeting other people !

If FIL* asks why you're not going, tell him the truth*

That tells you exactly where you are in the pecking order. I wouldn't go if it was me. Sounds like you've gotten an invite because they felt obliged to invite you. The cost is too much to attend a wedding of someone thst doesn't care if you attend or not.

Well to be oddly closer to 2/4 means there are opportunities to get closer no?

and of course it matters. When you’re expecting those cousins to cough up hundreds of pounds to attend your wedding