To un-RSVP to this wedding?

[SaltySallyAnne]

Not sure if I’m being a bit dramatic or entitled to feel a bit put out

context -
We have been invited to DHs cousins wedding. It’s in a remote area of Scotland and on a Thursday. To attend we need to take 3 days off work and it’s child free so will need to leave DD at home and my aunt is coming to look after her and drop off at school etc.

The bride and Groom have no family that way and are all southerners so travel is quite a lot for everyone. (Grooms family is Devon based)

Due to the remote location and being in an area of outstanding beauty hotels within an hour radius of the wedding venue are expensive. The cheapest we have seen is £250 a night (for a B&B over a pub…)

Now, although it’s annoying having to take so much time off work, and the hotel costs, we RSVP’d yes as we can just about afford the hotel and it’s a family wedding, doesn’t happen every day etc. plus there are some family members that are relatively old and it might be the last big family celebration they make it to.

Now onto the AIBU.

The wedding venue is a castle type location, and in the grounds there is accommodation as part of the wedding package. 50 rooms. The cost to guests is only £120 for the 2 nights needed (night before and night of the wedding) FIL and his wife were given a room, which we expected since aunt and uncle are immediate family.

However we have just found out that they have also offered one of these rooms to DHs brother and his wife, in addition to his step sister and her boyfriend.

This has rubbed DH and I up the wrong way, we had assumed on site accommodation was for immediate family and cousins were a bit far removed. But to find out one of DHs brothers and his step sister were given one is a bit shit. (All siblings are adults, in well paid jobs so it’s not due to that)

In my view they have decided who in their families they want to ensure attend the wedding, by offering cheaper lodging and (as I’ve found out yesterday) putting on transport for guests staying on site. I begrudge paying over £500, taking 3 days off work and leaving DD for 3 days to go to the wedding of someone who clearly isn’t too concerned about us attending.

DH is annoyed and a bit hurt, but says since we have already said we are going and were fine with all the inconveniences until finding out about his step sister and brother being offered a room, it’s a bit unreasonable to now back out. (The wedding is over the Easter half term next year, so I think that’s still plenty of notice)

AIBU to not go purely because of who they allocated on site lodgings to?

They can get money from the siblings they are giving the affordable accomodation to. Maybe you go maybe you don’t (I say don’t) but hell would freeze over before I gave them money as well as going.

Sorry that was for @HollyKnight

Hmm thought maybe reason only kids from 2nd marriage get rooms...

It’s honestly not as deep as you probably think it is.

With our wedding there were cheaper rooms onsite. We allocated to parents, elderly guests, bridal party & young families first. We then stuck the rest of the names in a hat - extended family members and close friends were in that 2nd pool. If rooms were declined because they either were day tripping or had alternative accommodation, we’d go back to the hat.

Or it could be they’re just closer to those other siblings, or that they thought you potentially weren’t going to attend or whoever RSVP’d first.

Its not done to hurt you and I think you’re taking it very personally, when they’ve unlikely thought of it as a slight towards you.

Never said anything about being a favourite. This is just reconfirming my DHs thoughts that there is a lot going on that he hasn’t been invited to leading up to this. Hence they’re closer

The cost is already huge, as you and DH will need 6 days annual leave ( 3 each) which, assuming you usually split school holiday childcare, means 6 more days of holiday club. For us this would add up to £200 before you even factor in other costs. I'm another who thinks they probably didn't expect cousins who have kids to attend. Would DH consider going on his own? This would at least keep childcare costs down.

TBH I think this is dependant on whether you and DH actually want to go - not out of a sense of obligation - but because you think you'd have a good time. If you think you'll have fun in an interesting/beautiful place, will enjoy catching up with family, can afford it and are happy to be away from DC then I'd make the effort and do it in a spirit of positivity rather than feeling hard done to about the arrangements. If you can't do that then decline.

DH and I went to a family wedding recently that DC weren't invited to. It was in a location we hadn't visited before, the other guests were lovely and an interesting range of people, we appreciated being included in a special day and it was fun to go away without DC. We had a great time. We also couldn't afford the hotel the wedding was being held at but we found a lovely Airbnb nearby which was much cheaper and we enjoyed staying at. Incidentally my sibling wasn't invited to the wedding because they haven't maintained a relationship with the bride. Some family members are closer than others, it's just the way it is, it doesn't have to mean people have fallen out.

Weird posts missing the point as usual.

The issue is the OP and husband are hurt to discover they are regarded as less close than other siblings.

I can imagine that feels quite a shock and quite humiliating that you 'didnt make the cut.'

Anyone with any empathy would see that making the offer to some siblings and not others would be hurtful. And would try to avoid this.

The question is what do you do now you know you are less important and feel hurt.

I'd probably not go and give an excuse on the cost of accommodation.
I've reached a stage in my life when I won't give time or energy to people who drag me down.
You are not that important to them so don't let them be that important to you.

Get out of going, don't give it any more headspace and get on with enjoying life with people who you are important to.

It's a shame when relationships like this become less important but not the end of the world.

When I’ve been to wedding’s where there is accommodation at the venue rooms have been reserved for the bridal party and the bride and groom’s immediate family and then the rest were first come, first served!

But tbh I wouldn’t be going in the first place. I wouldn’t want to be that far away from my young dc for that long so I certainly wouldn’t be paying for the privilege.

Yeah, that's what I said. The two given accommodation are siblings. She's just the stepsister to your DH and his sister. The way you worded your OP it sounded like she was just everyone's stepsister and it is weird that she got offered accommodation.

Oh I know exactly how you feel OP and I would be pretty miffed too.
I would definitely look into whether you can find a Airb&b that you can share with others (and turn into a party house) but failing that, i just wouldn't go.
Actually no forget that.. I will not put myself out to spend time with people who don't really care if I am there or not and I really don't understand the mindset of those who think that it should be expected.

I was thinking that too.
The left out feeling could have been simply he didn't get on as well. My dB sometimes felt left out with one set of cousins because he was 4 years younger than the next youngest and a boy, whereas we were all girls within 5 years, for example.

It could also be that he felt left out because they were always playing something he didn't enjoy so didn't join in. Which would have made them unintentionally closer through a mutual interest.

Or it could be that he felt left out, they felt he made no effort.

Ultimately they had to give the rooms to someone. If they'd decided to go for friends because they couldn't do all the cousins, you'd have been saying that they invited friends over you.
They couldn't win here.

You'll be looking at nearer £1000 once you've factored in travel, outfits and wedding present. And if it's not a free bar you'll spend a fortune on alcohol in a posh castle.

I'd personally not go. But being self employed that would add even more financial loss into the mix. You could have a family holiday for what this wedding will cost you.

I wouldn't go.
Say you've had problems booking the annual leave, or something. Or be honest and say it's just not in the budget, but you look forward to taking them to dinner when you see them.

Never extend yourself financially for someone else's wedding. They'll be just as married the next day, with or without you. If they wanted everyone to attend they could have done a registry office followed by a restaurant meal, instead of the remote castle.

@SaltySallyAnne personally I'd now decline the invitation with a polite "unfortunately due to travel and accommodation costs, we will now be unable to attend".

For £500 and the cost of travelling up there, you could do something really lovely as a family instead rather than give up 3 days of holiday to be a second choice guest at a wedding.

I'd suggest DH goes, with a lilo packed and crashes on the floor of one of the rooms allocated to his siblings. You stay home and don't miss work. Otherwise the cost is prohibitive. People just don't think, do they - how much an invitation to their wedding costs other people in lost earnings, childcare, travel, accommodation let alone presents, outfits, bar drinks and food the night before. I spent over £300 for a friend's wedding locally. No one can afford thousands these days.

A child-free, destination wedding on a weekday… 3 days annual leave and at a cost of at least £500 would be a hard no. Remote Scotland in April may well involve atrocious weather to travel in.

People are entitled to have the wedding they want but be aware their choices may limit their guest list.

I’d be apologetically declining and saving the leave and money for a family holiday away with DD.

SPOT ON. I can understand your feelings OP plus the hassle and expense of travel/accommodation and cc

My thought, too.

These posts are so identifiable I doubt you’ll all be speaking soon anyway….

Can you ask about the rooms?

They might have thought you could afford the difference, or that you’d rather do your own thing. Or these other family members may have asked before invited went out.

Other possibility is that they forgot to include the offer to you?

Surely if you’re close enough that this is a thing for you, you’re close enough to ask? Or DH is.

No way. They’ve busted your budget already!

You seem to be getting a hard time, not sure why. I think YWNBU to decline now - I def wouldn't spend all that money & AL days for this; also, maybe in a way by not going you will be standing up for your DH - that must really hurt, growing up with a feeling you are not being counted.

YABU to the free room.
YANBU to say no because you can't afford it. £5000 for travel and accomondation and 3 days of annual leave is a lot to ask of guests.

You feel like you’re jumping through hoops to get there, whereas other people were better accommodated.

Decide if you can actually afford it or not, and if so, go and have a good time, and if not, don’t as you will resent the cost and by extension the hosts.

Could it the accommodation situation be anything to do with kids? I know you said they’re not invited to the wedding but both you and the other sibling who didn’t get the accommodation invite have kids. Maybe they thought you would bring the kids and a babysitter and would therefore either need more space? Or they didn’t want any kids on the grounds?