To un-RSVP to this wedding?

[SaltySallyAnne]

Not sure if I’m being a bit dramatic or entitled to feel a bit put out

context -
We have been invited to DHs cousins wedding. It’s in a remote area of Scotland and on a Thursday. To attend we need to take 3 days off work and it’s child free so will need to leave DD at home and my aunt is coming to look after her and drop off at school etc.

The bride and Groom have no family that way and are all southerners so travel is quite a lot for everyone. (Grooms family is Devon based)

Due to the remote location and being in an area of outstanding beauty hotels within an hour radius of the wedding venue are expensive. The cheapest we have seen is £250 a night (for a B&B over a pub…)

Now, although it’s annoying having to take so much time off work, and the hotel costs, we RSVP’d yes as we can just about afford the hotel and it’s a family wedding, doesn’t happen every day etc. plus there are some family members that are relatively old and it might be the last big family celebration they make it to.

Now onto the AIBU.

The wedding venue is a castle type location, and in the grounds there is accommodation as part of the wedding package. 50 rooms. The cost to guests is only £120 for the 2 nights needed (night before and night of the wedding) FIL and his wife were given a room, which we expected since aunt and uncle are immediate family.

However we have just found out that they have also offered one of these rooms to DHs brother and his wife, in addition to his step sister and her boyfriend.

This has rubbed DH and I up the wrong way, we had assumed on site accommodation was for immediate family and cousins were a bit far removed. But to find out one of DHs brothers and his step sister were given one is a bit shit. (All siblings are adults, in well paid jobs so it’s not due to that)

In my view they have decided who in their families they want to ensure attend the wedding, by offering cheaper lodging and (as I’ve found out yesterday) putting on transport for guests staying on site. I begrudge paying over £500, taking 3 days off work and leaving DD for 3 days to go to the wedding of someone who clearly isn’t too concerned about us attending.

DH is annoyed and a bit hurt, but says since we have already said we are going and were fine with all the inconveniences until finding out about his step sister and brother being offered a room, it’s a bit unreasonable to now back out. (The wedding is over the Easter half term next year, so I think that’s still plenty of notice)

AIBU to not go purely because of who they allocated on site lodgings to?

I think you are being unreasonable. You were happy to go knowing you weren't in the 50 allocated rooms, until you found out other cousins were.

I imagine they've either chosen them because they are the younger cousins or because they don't have children.

Facts are though you didn’t care about them enough. Otherwise why choose the other couples?

They saw the snub as what it was. They weren’t as ‘close’ to you as everyone else.

I don’t doubt it’s stressful, we had a lot of stress planning our own wedding. But when you’re planning a triple threat of inconvenience (destination wedding, no kids, weekday) it’s to be expected surely

No the opposite, DH and his older sibling are closer in age to his cousins that side (DH is a few weeks older than the groom) the two staying are 8-10 years younger.

I would say 'so sorry, can't find accommodation' and just leave it. They're obvs not going to be hugely fussed. It is deeply hurtful. I really think weddings brings out the worst in people, hard decisions are made that will inevitably offend. You need some space to just let this settle.

My point is that there is an advantage in politely calling them out on it, so they are aware of the issue. Even if they can do nothing because they are all allocated. It might mean that if someone else cancels then the OP is top of the reserve list. It also gives her a clear reason for then withdrawing her acceptance of the invitation. But it really depends, as I suspect she might be relieved not to go anyway. Holiday is precious when you have small children. I have turned down invitations to child-free weddings a long way from before for that reason. One friend complained about the number of invitations turned down, but it was inevitable when she chose to marry at a point when all her friends had babes arms or young toddlers and the entire wedding with child-free and in a location that made it impossible to organise childcare nearby.

That’s the risk you take though when you don’t invite everyone. My sister didn’t invite some close aunts to her wedding and then wondered why they never commented on the photos. They were understandably quite hurt.

And you to be the designated driver as there won’t be a taxi.

But, I feel a big deal is them talking to you about your dd being a flower girl, and in the end she will only get to be without her parents for three days. It’s cruel.

I agree about being honest about it. Definitely.

But the damage is done, so basically why make an effort for them when they didn’t make one for op and her dh.

50 rooms? There are 48 other couples considered closer?

I’m just glad we didn’t tell her about it, as she would have been so hurt. It would have been her first wedding too

Apparently so! Although they do have a large wedding party so that takes out 15/16 of the rooms I think!

But you said there were 50 rooms. What has happened to the other 47?

Shame your DD is excluded - otherwise I'd suggest going away for a week or two, enjoy some of the wonderful scenery that Scotland has to offer, then popping into the wedding for the one day.

Although maybe you could do that, and your OH goes alone and you look after DD for the day?

Still a lot of money, but you would get more out of the experience.

But then again, if I was your OH, I wouldn't want to go without my partner!

Good. But still, cruel to you. It shows they don’t care much about your feelings.

I wouldn't go to a cousins wedding that was using three days annual leave, costing so much and with that amount of travel unless I was close to them and if its one of the ones I am close to I'd of had one of the 50 rooms. I'd just cancel it and say you're struggling with the logistics of childcare as it's the school holidays then use the money to go away somewhere the three of you.

The holiday situation and not being able to bring your child would be enough to put me off. Breezy text to say you haven’t got enough leave, have a nice gift delivered to the castle and invite them for lunch to see the photos. Job done.

This is awful op. If a couple choose somewhere in the middle of nowhere they should choose a venue where everyone can stay. Why Scotland if they aren't even scottish?!

I loathe select attendees only can stay, while everyone else has to fanny on with taxis etc.

Just text 'sorry we now can attend, have a nice day'. Send them 50 quid not £300.

If you go the resentment will spoil it for you and dh.

Couldn’t you, you know, just call them and discuss it?

Well, fuck that. If they have the funds to travel for a year, they have the funds to make their guests comfortable.

I'd send a garden centre gift card for 50 quid and be done with it. No way would I give up annual leave and all that money for people who clearly couldn't care less if we showed up.

And @NachoChip I mean, you can't cut people out of a list of "loved ones" and still expect them to be happy and enthusiastic. To find out one didn't make the cut leaves a lasting impression. Better to serve tea and biscuits to everyone than to have your 'dream wedding' with only the A-listers.

I don't have nieces/nephews but have a number of young cousins in the next generation, whom I see at Christmas, Easter and summer parties hosted by their parents. I thought they liked me but as they get into their 30s and are marrying, none have invited me to their weddings. At first I sent large B&Q gift cards anyway, only to get no thanks. One did send a postcard, no saluation or name, just my address, with "hey thanks so much for the gift we will put it to good use." No signature, nothing. I have accepted that I'm a B-lister and won't be bothering any more.

Not worth it! Arse end of nowhere on a Thursday is selfish, nothing less. Yes it's nice to see family but we know you aren't the only ones not going as your husband's sibling (and presumably mother even though they'd be their auntie?) Isn't.

Why would she? 'Hey how come we aren't on the A list and can't stay at the venue?' It is not a conversation anyone wants to have.

Maybe they had two rooms left and from a hat, these 2 of the four siblings were picked.

You really don't know how the decision was taken sp no point being salty about it.

Remember you're going to enjoy what is possibly a last get together with other family members etc.

"I know I have cousins who I get on great with and others who I do like but just don't know as well"

I have cousins who are almost a generation younger than me who I don't know at all. These are siblings to cousins I do know well. It would seem strange to me that I would have to treat them all exactly the same.

I find it weird when couples pluck a random destination to get married. There’s no link to either the bride or groom. I bet all the guests going from Devon will be cursing them. It’s an awful lot of effort and cost to their guests. I just wanted people to have a great time and I picked up the tab for the majority of it. I had 120 at my wedding and 50 percent lived in a 10 miles radius. I know you can’t please both parties, but there are some beautiful castles / wedding venues in Devon, why traipse up to a remote part of Scotland?

I'd just ask them why we hadn't been offered a room. Save all this wondering.