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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To un-RSVP to this wedding?

480 replies

SaltySallyAnne · 14/10/2024 12:19

Not sure if I’m being a bit dramatic or entitled to feel a bit put out

context -
We have been invited to DHs cousins wedding. It’s in a remote area of Scotland and on a Thursday. To attend we need to take 3 days off work and it’s child free so will need to leave DD at home and my aunt is coming to look after her and drop off at school etc.

The bride and Groom have no family that way and are all southerners so travel is quite a lot for everyone. (Grooms family is Devon based)

Due to the remote location and being in an area of outstanding beauty hotels within an hour radius of the wedding venue are expensive. The cheapest we have seen is £250 a night (for a B&B over a pub…)

Now, although it’s annoying having to take so much time off work, and the hotel costs, we RSVP’d yes as we can just about afford the hotel and it’s a family wedding, doesn’t happen every day etc. plus there are some family members that are relatively old and it might be the last big family celebration they make it to.

Now onto the AIBU.

The wedding venue is a castle type location, and in the grounds there is accommodation as part of the wedding package. 50 rooms. The cost to guests is only £120 for the 2 nights needed (night before and night of the wedding) FIL and his wife were given a room, which we expected since aunt and uncle are immediate family.

However we have just found out that they have also offered one of these rooms to DHs brother and his wife, in addition to his step sister and her boyfriend.

This has rubbed DH and I up the wrong way, we had assumed on site accommodation was for immediate family and cousins were a bit far removed. But to find out one of DHs brothers and his step sister were given one is a bit shit. (All siblings are adults, in well paid jobs so it’s not due to that)

In my view they have decided who in their families they want to ensure attend the wedding, by offering cheaper lodging and (as I’ve found out yesterday) putting on transport for guests staying on site. I begrudge paying over £500, taking 3 days off work and leaving DD for 3 days to go to the wedding of someone who clearly isn’t too concerned about us attending.

DH is annoyed and a bit hurt, but says since we have already said we are going and were fine with all the inconveniences until finding out about his step sister and brother being offered a room, it’s a bit unreasonable to now back out. (The wedding is over the Easter half term next year, so I think that’s still plenty of notice)

AIBU to not go purely because of who they allocated on site lodgings to?

OP posts:
flyingeffs · 14/10/2024 16:47

NetZeroZealot · 14/10/2024 16:36

They aren’t siblings they are cousins.

Show quote history

Her dh’s siblings

HowYouSpellingThat10 · 14/10/2024 16:49

It sounds a pain in the arse (and I live in Scotland).

How far is the accommodation from the castle? Don't assume there will be taxis. We don't have Ubers and in a Thursday night you may have trouble.

If I was going to do this then I'd make it a family holiday Monday to Friday and just send husband for the day.

Its a terrible time to choose as it's one of the only holidays that falls at the same time as England so you are at premium cost.

Justasmallgless · 14/10/2024 16:51

Are they closer in age to bride and groom?
It may be the current marriage side of it as well?
Is MIL invited??

MayaKovskaya · 14/10/2024 16:52

I've no idea why couples have weddings which make it difficult, awkward, inconvenient and expensive for guests to attend.
Just photoshop a picture of a castle onto a local venue, then have a honeymoon where you want!

NachoChip · 14/10/2024 16:58

I recently got married and had a very small wedding. We found it hugely stressful and upsetting trying to make choices about who was "in" and "out". We tried to avoid excluding people so had to pick the odd one or two couples from various groups of family/friends.

Some of those not invited have taken it that we didn't care about them and have been very quiet with us since. I have been devastated by this - they don't realise our reasoning and it couldn't be further from the truth. I understand they were upset but I hoped that their support and happiness for us and our future together would extend beyond whether they were invited to a party or not. No one spoke to us about it in the run up but it all became clear afterwards which has tainted our memory of the day knowing there was bad feeling surrounding it.

You have been invited to this wedding. I'm sure this couple also had a difficult time making choices. Fair enough you're miffed but it doesn't warrant not going and retracting your support for the couple. If you were prepared to make all that effort in the first place you must think they're worth it. And they didn't exclude you - of four siblings, two were invited to stay on site, two weren't. What would you have had them do?
If you must, ask them what's going on, don't just pull out as a punishment and miss out on a family celebration and a chance to support your DH cousin in what is an important milestone.

BabyCloud · 14/10/2024 17:00

Now I’ve read more I definitely would not be going. Your DD has only just started school so I would use that time off work and the money you would spend on having a fun Easter holidays with her.
It baffles me that people expect others to leave their kids for 3 days for a family wedding.

Genevieva · 14/10/2024 17:01

Try communicating with the bride and groom. Ask if there are any rooms at the castle. Explain that you are struggling to find affordable accommodation within reach of the venue and that at present this means you may, sadly, have to decline the invitation. You are so disappointed by this, because you were very much looking forward to sharing their wedding day with them and seeing the whole family.

Daleksatemyshed · 14/10/2024 17:01

I can understand you feeling put out by this Op but I think a pp was right, they've thought that as you have a DD you'd probably refuse the invitation so they allocated the rooms to people they thought would attend. Lots of people with DC would have no babysitter and couldn't afford the silly amount of money this could end up costing just for one day. Since it's your DH's family if he really wants to go I'd attend and treat it as a romantic break

MikeRafone · 14/10/2024 17:02

If they want to get married in a remote location with accommodation costing £250 a night, then its tough if people find this out after replying to wedding invitation with a positive.

Then to find that other family are getting a far better deal - would sting

you'll be giving them enough notice so they can either redo numbers or invite someone else

enjoy your easter £500+ up

flyingeffs · 14/10/2024 17:04

Genevieva · 14/10/2024 17:01

Try communicating with the bride and groom. Ask if there are any rooms at the castle. Explain that you are struggling to find affordable accommodation within reach of the venue and that at present this means you may, sadly, have to decline the invitation. You are so disappointed by this, because you were very much looking forward to sharing their wedding day with them and seeing the whole family.

Maybe read op’s posts?

lateatwork · 14/10/2024 17:05

Ahh ok.

  1. DH was second in pecking order growing up
  2. dad remarried. Dad had extra kid plus new wife already had kid. It's these two (now adults ) who have been invited
  1. dH sees cousin 4/5 times per year. Good relationship
  2. Mooted by bride that DD may be bridesmaid

So, DH had zero idea that being 'second best' was still the score. Thought things were more even now... So on this basis, said yes to the wedding.

And now, the whole some people get rooms and some don't has meant the 'second best' thing has reared it's head again.

Hmm.

If I was DH, I'd feel too uncomfortable to go. I'd feel a little unsure about where I stood and the motives for inviting me (IE have they just been humouring me.. etc). Paranoid I suppose. I'd not say no now (because it looks like sour grapes because of the room). I'd say no a little later so no connection could be made bw the rooms and me saying no. Also gives extra time in case I misread the situation

widelegenes · 14/10/2024 17:07

Daleksatemyshed · 14/10/2024 17:01

I can understand you feeling put out by this Op but I think a pp was right, they've thought that as you have a DD you'd probably refuse the invitation so they allocated the rooms to people they thought would attend. Lots of people with DC would have no babysitter and couldn't afford the silly amount of money this could end up costing just for one day. Since it's your DH's family if he really wants to go I'd attend and treat it as a romantic break

Blimey. Is that a thing?

"Please join us to celebrate our marriage. Here are the details. Here's a wedding list. RSVP but please don't actually come"

Genevieva · 14/10/2024 17:08

flyingeffs · 14/10/2024 17:04

Maybe read op’s posts?

Show quote history

It isn't a matter of whether she knows the rooms are all taken. It is a matter of having it out in the open, rather than lying and saying actually she can't come after all, when she can. But there are multiple factors here. If the unequal treatment isn't the main factor then she just needs to turn down the invitation. It is just one of those things.

flyingeffs · 14/10/2024 17:09

NachoChip · 14/10/2024 16:58

I recently got married and had a very small wedding. We found it hugely stressful and upsetting trying to make choices about who was "in" and "out". We tried to avoid excluding people so had to pick the odd one or two couples from various groups of family/friends.

Some of those not invited have taken it that we didn't care about them and have been very quiet with us since. I have been devastated by this - they don't realise our reasoning and it couldn't be further from the truth. I understand they were upset but I hoped that their support and happiness for us and our future together would extend beyond whether they were invited to a party or not. No one spoke to us about it in the run up but it all became clear afterwards which has tainted our memory of the day knowing there was bad feeling surrounding it.

You have been invited to this wedding. I'm sure this couple also had a difficult time making choices. Fair enough you're miffed but it doesn't warrant not going and retracting your support for the couple. If you were prepared to make all that effort in the first place you must think they're worth it. And they didn't exclude you - of four siblings, two were invited to stay on site, two weren't. What would you have had them do?
If you must, ask them what's going on, don't just pull out as a punishment and miss out on a family celebration and a chance to support your DH cousin in what is an important milestone.

We tried to avoid excluding people so had to pick the odd one or two couples from various groups of family/friends.

I can definitely see why there are bad feelings amongst your friends. I probably wouldn’t bother much with you after that tbh.
But of course you can invite anyone you want, a bit naive to expect them to be supportive about it.

flyingeffs · 14/10/2024 17:10

Genevieva · 14/10/2024 17:08

It isn't a matter of whether she knows the rooms are all taken. It is a matter of having it out in the open, rather than lying and saying actually she can't come after all, when she can. But there are multiple factors here. If the unequal treatment isn't the main factor then she just needs to turn down the invitation. It is just one of those things.

Show quote history

I meant Ask if there are any rooms at the castle.

Jaichangecentfoisdenom · 14/10/2024 17:10

BeardieWeirdie · 14/10/2024 12:32

I’m very sorry to say that we can no longer attend your wedding as, after having sent our RSVP, we have been unable to find any affordable accommodation nearby. We hope you have a wonderful day.

I'm with you, @SaltySallyAnne, and I think the above is a great message to send. Then enjoy Easter with your husband and daughter, perhaps sending a little of what you will not be spending on getting to the wedding, as a small gift contribution to their honeymoon, with well-meant good wishes.

BrieHugger · 14/10/2024 17:10

widelegenes · 14/10/2024 17:07

Blimey. Is that a thing?

"Please join us to celebrate our marriage. Here are the details. Here's a wedding list. RSVP but please don't actually come"

Show quote history

Of course it is, you get more presents!

A colleague of mine invited over 100 people to her wedding in the Maldives. Obviously only about a dozen went but most others dutifully bought stuff from the gift list.

AnnieRegent · 14/10/2024 17:13

SaltySallyAnne · 14/10/2024 15:00

Nope. I said if anything us and the other sibling not offered a room are in a less great financial situation. In response to someone saying maybe it’s because the two offered are harder up

Goodness me.

Show quote history

Wow, OK. I read all your posts. I didn't say that the ones with rooms are in a worse financial situation, I said that the bride and groom might perceive them as in more need as they're childless and as at least one of them is younger. It was just a suggestion. No need to be so rude.

Original poster
SaltySallyAnne · 14/10/2024 17:13

HowYouSpellingThat10 · 14/10/2024 16:49

It sounds a pain in the arse (and I live in Scotland).

How far is the accommodation from the castle? Don't assume there will be taxis. We don't have Ubers and in a Thursday night you may have trouble.

If I was going to do this then I'd make it a family holiday Monday to Friday and just send husband for the day.

Its a terrible time to choose as it's one of the only holidays that falls at the same time as England so you are at premium cost.

So the only accommodation I can find that isn’t ££££ is about 20-30 mins drive. They did put on the invites taxis would be hard to come by so I was expecting to be the designated driver Halo

OP posts:
Genevieva · 14/10/2024 17:13

It isn't clear to me that she asked the bride and groom. She might have asked another guest or the castle itself. I am not getting the impression that the communication channels are flowing. Are you?

Original poster
SaltySallyAnne · 14/10/2024 17:14

Jaichangecentfoisdenom · 14/10/2024 17:10

I'm with you, @SaltySallyAnne, and I think the above is a great message to send. Then enjoy Easter with your husband and daughter, perhaps sending a little of what you will not be spending on getting to the wedding, as a small gift contribution to their honeymoon, with well-meant good wishes.

Show quote history

That was my suggestion, even giving them £250-£300 would save us some money and mean we could be more ‘valuable’ to their overall wedding since they want to use the money gifted to travel for a year!

OP posts:
flyingeffs · 14/10/2024 17:16

Genevieva · 14/10/2024 17:13

It isn't clear to me that she asked the bride and groom. She might have asked another guest or the castle itself. I am not getting the impression that the communication channels are flowing. Are you?

I thought it was clear that there were no rooms left as they had all been offered to others with the invitations. I wouldn’t ask anyone about it again, as it is clear they were not close or important enough guests to be offered in the first place.

flyingeffs · 14/10/2024 17:19

SaltySallyAnne · 14/10/2024 17:14

That was my suggestion, even giving them £250-£300 would save us some money and mean we could be more ‘valuable’ to their overall wedding since they want to use the money gifted to travel for a year!

Show quote history

Maybe it was the plan. They expected you to say no but to send a generous contribution to their one year holiday.

I would not send that much money.

Original poster
SaltySallyAnne · 14/10/2024 17:20

lateatwork · 14/10/2024 17:05

Ahh ok.

  1. DH was second in pecking order growing up
  2. dad remarried. Dad had extra kid plus new wife already had kid. It's these two (now adults ) who have been invited
  1. dH sees cousin 4/5 times per year. Good relationship
  2. Mooted by bride that DD may be bridesmaid

So, DH had zero idea that being 'second best' was still the score. Thought things were more even now... So on this basis, said yes to the wedding.

And now, the whole some people get rooms and some don't has meant the 'second best' thing has reared it's head again.

Hmm.

If I was DH, I'd feel too uncomfortable to go. I'd feel a little unsure about where I stood and the motives for inviting me (IE have they just been humouring me.. etc). Paranoid I suppose. I'd not say no now (because it looks like sour grapes because of the room). I'd say no a little later so no connection could be made bw the rooms and me saying no. Also gives extra time in case I misread the situation

This is exactly it, he thought they were all just as close as each other, that there weren’t ‘favourites’ anymore and he has put so much effort into cultivating those relationships with his cousins. They’re close in age (groom was born weeks after DH) and really thought they were ‘friends’ as well as cousins.

We only said yes as we think highly of them, and could justify the costs that way. But now knowing we like them a lot more than they like us (essentially what this boils down to) is a bit of a blow, and it’s bringing up a lot of that past hurt for DH.

OP posts:
MSLRT · 14/10/2024 17:21

SaltySallyAnne · 14/10/2024 17:14

That was my suggestion, even giving them £250-£300 would save us some money and mean we could be more ‘valuable’ to their overall wedding since they want to use the money gifted to travel for a year!

Show quote history

Blimey. That’s more than generous.

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