To un-RSVP to this wedding?

[SaltySallyAnne]

Not sure if I’m being a bit dramatic or entitled to feel a bit put out

context -
We have been invited to DHs cousins wedding. It’s in a remote area of Scotland and on a Thursday. To attend we need to take 3 days off work and it’s child free so will need to leave DD at home and my aunt is coming to look after her and drop off at school etc.

The bride and Groom have no family that way and are all southerners so travel is quite a lot for everyone. (Grooms family is Devon based)

Due to the remote location and being in an area of outstanding beauty hotels within an hour radius of the wedding venue are expensive. The cheapest we have seen is £250 a night (for a B&B over a pub…)

Now, although it’s annoying having to take so much time off work, and the hotel costs, we RSVP’d yes as we can just about afford the hotel and it’s a family wedding, doesn’t happen every day etc. plus there are some family members that are relatively old and it might be the last big family celebration they make it to.

Now onto the AIBU.

The wedding venue is a castle type location, and in the grounds there is accommodation as part of the wedding package. 50 rooms. The cost to guests is only £120 for the 2 nights needed (night before and night of the wedding) FIL and his wife were given a room, which we expected since aunt and uncle are immediate family.

However we have just found out that they have also offered one of these rooms to DHs brother and his wife, in addition to his step sister and her boyfriend.

This has rubbed DH and I up the wrong way, we had assumed on site accommodation was for immediate family and cousins were a bit far removed. But to find out one of DHs brothers and his step sister were given one is a bit shit. (All siblings are adults, in well paid jobs so it’s not due to that)

In my view they have decided who in their families they want to ensure attend the wedding, by offering cheaper lodging and (as I’ve found out yesterday) putting on transport for guests staying on site. I begrudge paying over £500, taking 3 days off work and leaving DD for 3 days to go to the wedding of someone who clearly isn’t too concerned about us attending.

DH is annoyed and a bit hurt, but says since we have already said we are going and were fine with all the inconveniences until finding out about his step sister and brother being offered a room, it’s a bit unreasonable to now back out. (The wedding is over the Easter half term next year, so I think that’s still plenty of notice)

AIBU to not go purely because of who they allocated on site lodgings to?

No one said you do. The issue is we aren’t a generation younger and thought we were closer. Hence saying we’d cough up to attend

I'd send the first message suggested which is perfect, and wish them well. Spend your money on something worthwhile, weddings are grim at the best of times. The B & G may think it's the most important day of their lives but for their guests it's an exercise in tedium.

By the sound of it there were enough doubts about attending th the wedding in the first place, and the accomodation is the straw that broke the camels back. I think it would be reasonable to send a “many regrets but unforeseen circumstances mean we will unfortunately have to miss the wedding. We really appreciated being invited, and hope you have a wonderful day We will be thinking of you and look forward to seeing the photographs” letter, with a wedding present cheque. If they push, though they won’t, then explain that it was the lack of affordable accomodation locally that made the invitation untenable.

She has every right to be salty about it. 3 days off work, childcare, huge expense yet they'll be 30mins away (when they actually get there!). While others allowed to stay at the venue will have a far more relaxed and cheaper time.

If a venue has 50 rooms, the couple should have worked out how many they could invite and accommodate. To travel hours and still have to travel on the day is very tedious.

I’d not go either, mainly because I wouldn’t want to use 3 days of leave in the Easter holidays and NOT spend them with DC. You could have a family weekend away for £500.

I'm not sure why you were devastated when people you hadn't invited to your wedding thought that this was because you didn't care about them. What other conclusions were they to draw if other people from the same social circles were invited but they weren't? It must mean that you cared less about them than the people that you did invite.

OP's DH felt left out as a child but thought he had built strong relationships in adulthood, particularly with his cousin the groom. The fact that the cheap, on site accommodation has been offered to his half brother and step brother and not to him, has touched a nerve and opened up old wounds. OP's DH might feel even worse if they attend and this unequal treatment with the favouritism of FIL's current family continues during the wedding.

What other conclusions were they to draw if other people from the same social circles were invited but they weren't? It must mean that you cared less about them than the people that you did invite.

Exactly. The trite excuse along the lines of "we are so sorry we couldn't invite everyone but ...numbers you know..." is so weak. Have a less lavish wedding and invite everyone. Or accept that if you want all the "dream" trappings to the exclusion of people who might otherwise have been invited, those who didn't make the cut are going to take the very strong hint.

I think what the OP is upset about is not that they're staying outside the venue, but because she thinks her in-laws have been given preferred treatment. For all she knows, maybe they haven't been. She was was previously happy to take the time off and spend the money/time attending. No point changing that on an assumption.

Unless of course I've missed where it's been confirmed she wasn't offered accommodation at the venue because the bride and groom are in fact not bothered about the OP and her husband attending

Do they have large extended family in terms of older people? I can see grandparents, great aunts etc being prioritised. If their parents are paying, they may also have made their own demands so it might not literally be the couple's top 48 couples - if that helps your DH feel left excluded (eg if he put them in his top 10 couples).

I think you can definitely say no and send a gift rather than attend, but DH should try not to let it ruin the relationship if it's otherwise good!
I have a few close friends who are definitely higher on my list than I am on theirs - largely because they have bigger families and see their siblings/cousins as best friends whereas I don't have that. At weddings it's been slightly sad to eg not be one of 8+ bridesmaids to women I considered among my 3 or 4 best friends, but I try to focus on the ways they've shown their love that matter more than giving me a title and unflattering dress on one day. Friendship and love aren't about ranking even when invites and weddings can make it seem that way. It's about who shows up when it matters, and who you enjoy spending time with.

You're perfectly in your rights to back out in light of this, OP. It doesn't sound like they will care much, nor does it seem like either you or DH will enjoy being there whilst knowing his siblings have been treated preferentially.

Sack it off and go away with DD. It'll be way more fun.

And do try to ignore the salty comments - they're mostly from people who haven't read your updates and others who probably made weird choices for their own weddings 😂

Paying £120 vs £500+ and not having to worry about travel is preferential treatment.

I completely understand about the emotional side to your decision, but even apart from that there are good reasons to cancel.
The feeling of "what a great day and our room's just a short walk away" is completely different from "I'm the designated driver as there are no reliable taxis and we should probably leave soon before I'm too tired to do the half-hour drive on unfamiliar, unlit rural roads"

I imagine with 50 rooms and more than 50 guests/couples someone will be left out. If you're feeling this strongly about it, then by all means, cancel. 🤷🏾‍♀️.

Agree. So many reasons not to go.

You said I think they’ve recieved preferential treatment. I don’t think, I know they have, as would most sane people who can do basic maths.

Some of those not invited have taken it that we didn't care about them and have been very quiet with us since. I have been devastated by this

How are you surprised let alone devastated? It's a fairly straightforward conclusion for them to draw when they were left out and others from the same group weren't. All you can do is own your decision.

Honestly OP, the more you have eritten the worse it sounds.
Not a chance I would leave my child for 3 days for such an event.
If your husband wants to go let him off, I certainly wouldn't be bothering.
30 minutes away and gouged for the cost, designated driver🙄not a chance.
I'd send an empty generic wedding card wishing them luck.
Not a chance would they get a gift.

I think you are being unreasonable. You were happy to go knowing you weren't in the 50 allocated rooms, until you found out other cousins were.

I agree with this.

I mean, YWNHBU at all, to have declined in the first place.

Holding it during the working week, many, many miles from where everyone lives is reason enough not to have gone. But you decided you could use 3 days of AL, and leave your dd, and arrange for someone to look after her, and travel, and book accommodation at the time you accepted. None of that has changed, so YABU to suddenly decide that the same commitment you decided was okay when you accepted, suddenly isn't okay.

Personally, I'd have declined in the first place, but you decided it was do-able, and justifiable in your budget (money, time, AL all included), and none of that has changed.

Hmmmm. I haven’t read the whole thread, but it seems odd to include the discounted accommodation offer with some invitations and not with others. My niece got married recently. Rooms at the venue were allocated for parents, grandparents, siblings and bridesmaids/ groomsmen. The rest of us were notified when we could book and it was jolly well first come, first served, which I thought was fair enough.

Honestly these people who think they can exclude or give preferential treatment to some friends and family, clearly sending a message on who they view as most important, and then expect others not to be offended, or to hide their hurt and offence because all that should matter is you and your wedding are deluded.

Just because it's your wedding doesn't mean other people cease to have feelings.

If you convey through your choices people aren't as imporatnt as they thought they were they will be upset.

You are free to make your choices but they have consequences.

So what have you decided to do OP? I think I’d be inclined to send the message suggested by PP and say apologies but you can no longer attend due to unaffordable accommodation.

It's still doable, but somehitng has changed: they have realised they are less important than other siblings and this has hurt them.

Yes, this.

OP, your situation is exactly the sort of situation that would upset me too! I think you should cancel how BeardieWeirdie has suggested xx

She has every right to be salty about it. 3 days off work, childcare, huge expense yet they'll be 30mins away (when they actually get there!). While others allowed to stay at the venue will have a far more relaxed and cheaper time.

We declined a Thursday wedding, a few years ago. It was a fair distance away, we would have spent Wednesday travelling to get there, and Friday travelling home. Taking 3 days holiday for me, and 3 days lost earnings for self-employed DH, was a deal breaker, even before we started looking at accommodation costs. But the thought of needing a designated driver would have really added insult to injury!

Well something has changed. We are fine paying above and beyond for someone we are close to. Recently found out the closeness isn’t reciprocated.

most wouldn’t spend that kind of money for someone who doesn’t see you as important no?