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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be offended by this

376 replies

Strawberries86 · 13/10/2024 21:57

Dp of 18 months has a younger female friend. They met through work and although no longer work together, remained friends. The context is at times Iv noticed some “mentionitis” but overall the friendship has little impact on me. They mainly watsapp and see each other infrequently, she has a partner also.

The mentioning of this friend has increased recently and il admit Iv been a little concerned.

To the issue!
last night she sent him a TikTok he couldn’t open (he doesn’t have the app) I said to send it to me and he can look on my phone.

It was a video of a comedian making fun of a women with my name. He then goes on to refer to a childish insult related to my name and he then links it to having a damaged vagina due to having children. I have the name and I also have children.

I swear I’m not easily offended but I hardly know this young woman I’m offended that he didn’t see an issue with it but also that she felt safe to send it him? Like a shared joke at my expense.

Give it to me - aibu?

OP posts:
SeeTheWorldAnotherWay · 14/10/2024 10:10

Even if he saw no problem with it straight off watching it, the very fact you’ve then articulated how you feel about it to him and he’s still a bonehead is a red flag for me.
She’s not really the issue here, he is.

IOSTT · 14/10/2024 10:14

As a woman, I would not find anything funny about making fun of women who have given birth. It seems an odd thing for a woman to find amusing, and I would 100% take it personally, unless she herself is called Donna and has children. It’s as if she is hinting to your DH - I don’t have children, check out my wonderful undamaged vagina…

Somerandomerontheinternet · 14/10/2024 10:15

I’ve had the same reaction as everyone else.

The “joke” is a bit “Jim Davidson” crude, sexist and unfunny. I can’t imagine ANY of the men I know finding it amusing. Is he into that kind of thing?

She’s insulting you in a crude and nasty way. It’s not a dig or mockery it’s a straight up insult. Why would she think that’s ok? He must have given her permission to do that. Be that being derogatory about you or they are having an affair.

Why has he under reacted? I can’t think of any relationship I’ve ever had where my partner would have not been furious about someone saying something that insulted me. If he wasn’t complicit it some way, there would be no friendship left.

She’s obviously vile and I imagine has low self esteem, but I imagine your partner is not what he seems too. I suspect gentle and lovely DP is more passive and conflict avoidant. It makes him seem calm and safe but in reality he just isn’t showing you all of him and he is a coward. It’s only 18 months in so you still have lots to learn about each other, but I strongly suspect he is not who you think he is. I’d be cautious if you decide to continue with him particularly as you already have children.

I’m very sorry about all this and wish you well.

Wokeuptired · 14/10/2024 10:19

He can't control what woman sends him but he can control his reaction and let her know how its innapropiate.
I think the real test here it's how he defende you.

user1492757084 · 14/10/2024 10:25

Give him the flick.

He should have decided to cut contact with such a rude person who makes fun of your name. He should have decided this all on his own.

Tell him you are disappointed in him and that's why you will take a path not along side him now.

Rosscameasdoody · 14/10/2024 10:26

Wokeuptired · 14/10/2024 10:19

He can't control what woman sends him but he can control his reaction and let her know how its innapropiate.
I think the real test here it's how he defende you.

The question OP needs to ask herself is why would this woman think it appropriate to send something specifically referring to the private parts of a woman who shares OP’s name. And I think the answer is what’s in those WhatsApp messages between the two of them. Either they’re having an affair or they share a private joke referring to OP. Either way it’s a relationship ended.

cloudydays2 · 14/10/2024 10:33

You definitely have every right to be annoyed ! I will say, she feels comfortable enough to send him that and it is clear she was aiming it at you, we don't know him like you do but that doesn't make him seem harmless and not capable of slagging you off to her.

Shortpoet · 14/10/2024 10:34

You can watch TikToks on a web browser. You don’t need to install the app to watch them.

I would loose all respect for him if he continued the friendship.

Whatsitreallylike · 14/10/2024 10:41

Oh I’m so sorry. That is an unbelievably rude thing to send someone. She’s trying to undermine you and I can only think she’s threatened, maybe jealous of your relationship. The fact she sent such a vile video suggests she’s put you down to him in the past and not been challenged for it.

I wouldn’t be comfortable with their friendship continuing after that, and would make this clear to him.

Christwosheds · 14/10/2024 10:42

Plaidandapple · 13/10/2024 22:14

Yea that's a really inappropriate thing to send. How old is she? Pretty immature of her and an immature joke at that!

Show quote history

Agree with this.
I have several male friends and would never in a million years send them a “funny” clip with offensive comments regarding their partner’s name .
It sounds as though she is very jealous of you, staggeringly immature (is she a teenager ? No excuse even so, my teenage dds would never do something like this) and also not a nice person.

Grmumpy · 14/10/2024 10:44

Sorry but the message is vile. Perhaps if he read this thread he’d realise what a part the girl who sent it is.

Everintroverte · 14/10/2024 10:48

Agree that the message is vile and incredibly disrespectful. I would be thinking that they have had similar discussions or shared messages that meant she felt it was acceptable to send this sort of content. And she knows exactly what she's doing the grotty mare.

My conversation with him would be along the lines that others have mentioned. Outlining jow unacceptable that is, the outcome of the reflections you asked him to think over, why she felt it was ok to send, what they have discussed previously and what is he going to do about it. I would also be asking if you received similar context poking it at him what would he think / feel.

I would also be considering the relationship.

Rosscameasdoody · 14/10/2024 10:50

Whatsitreallylike · 14/10/2024 10:41

Oh I’m so sorry. That is an unbelievably rude thing to send someone. She’s trying to undermine you and I can only think she’s threatened, maybe jealous of your relationship. The fact she sent such a vile video suggests she’s put you down to him in the past and not been challenged for it.

I wouldn’t be comfortable with their friendship continuing after that, and would make this clear to him.

I’m not so sure that putting OP down hasn’t been a mutual thing between the two of them. The video specifically referred to the private parts of someone with the same name as the OP, and who had had children - why would she feel it appropriate to send it unless there had been previous conversation or banter around it ? I think there’s more here than meets the eye and I would definitely be wanting to see those WhatsApp messages.

Newdaynewstarts · 14/10/2024 10:54

He’s showing no respect for you somewhere in their relationship and she has noticed… she sent it because she knows she can

Newdaynewstarts · 14/10/2024 10:55

Forget the age gap security blanket theory. Some women lap up attention from men whatever the age or attraction status. They enjoy the thrill. He is feeding her thrills, it’s respectful and toxic behavior.

Twistybranch · 14/10/2024 10:58

OP you directly contact her and you tell her you seen the Tik Tok and you know exactly why she did it. Tell her she’s an incredibly unkind and cruel individual who will have no part in your life, ever.

You tell your partner that a line has been drawn, it’s up to him if he is with you and he drops all contact with her or he splits with you so he can continue the friendship.

Done ✔️

CutthroatDruTheViolent · 14/10/2024 10:58

What a bitchy, immature thing for her to do. She obviously feels she has some sort of kinship with him over this, and obvs she wasn't expecting you to see it so they could have a giggle.

I think his reaction is the important thing. Did he try and laugh it off, justify it as 'just a joke'? If he didn't I would really expect him to be saying to his little mate that she should know he shares everything with you and she should know that being rude about you crosses a line.

(PS Sorry if you mentioned that somewhere, I'm so tired it's entirely possible I missed that)

Purplebunnie · 14/10/2024 11:00

I don't know who is more vile, the person who made the TikTok or the witch who forwarded it on. I think your 'D'P is trying to be "young and cool/one of the lads" if you see what I mean to not fall out with/impress this cow. Sorry if I'm not explaining it properly

theDudesmummy · 14/10/2024 11:00

I don't have tiktok but I can still view clips if I click on them. Why couldn't he? I think he may have set you up to see this disgusting thing to judge your reaction. I know what my reaction would be (even if my name wasn't being referenced).

HotCrossBunplease · 14/10/2024 11:00

I can’t believe he wasn’t absolutely horrified the moment he saw it. Throw this one back in the pond OP.

Loub1987 · 14/10/2024 11:11

Gross and not funny at all. She is immature and a bitch. He wasn’t suprised by this and therefore complicit. Bin him!

BustingBaoBun · 14/10/2024 11:13

@Strawberries86

Actually quite a shock for you because if your DH is a decent bloke this is just so so mean.

My DH can be a pain in the proverbial, but he would never mock me like that. Could it be that he is just trying to be cooooool with someone younger, sort of down wiv da kids type thing? I know he didn't send it, but he did receive it and not jump in straightaway with having a go at her because he won't tolerate jokes at his wife's expense.....

Bananagirl23 · 14/10/2024 11:15

What a horrible misogynistic joke - anyone who finds that funny is a wrong ‘un as far as I’m concerned. And how dare she send that to your partner - I’d be absolutely fuming. If your partner isn’t prepared to tell her she’s crossed a line then he’s also bad news

Mumofoneandone · 14/10/2024 11:15

My DH has a long standing female friend, I know her too and absolutely no concerns about her.
When we first met he had another long standing female acquaintance who I never met but was never comfortable about. In time, he severed contact with her - his decision but he was happier without her around.

Banrockmystation · 14/10/2024 11:17

Why would anybody send someone a joke like this when their wife has this name? It’s obvious she was being a massive bitch! It’s absolutely cringe and he should not be friends with her anymore after this at all. If someone did that to me about my dh I’d be angry!

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