To be offended by this

[Strawberries86]

Dp of 18 months has a younger female friend. They met through work and although no longer work together, remained friends. The context is at times Iv noticed some “mentionitis” but overall the friendship has little impact on me. They mainly watsapp and see each other infrequently, she has a partner also.

The mentioning of this friend has increased recently and il admit Iv been a little concerned.

To the issue!
last night she sent him a TikTok he couldn’t open (he doesn’t have the app) I said to send it to me and he can look on my phone.

It was a video of a comedian making fun of a women with my name. He then goes on to refer to a childish insult related to my name and he then links it to having a damaged vagina due to having children. I have the name and I also have children.

I swear I’m not easily offended but I hardly know this young woman I’m offended that he didn’t see an issue with it but also that she felt safe to send it him? Like a shared joke at my expense.

Give it to me - aibu?

That woman is nasty and ugly.
I feel very sorry for you OP, because I would be appalled and repulsed by such disrespect towards me.
I would definitely think that our values are most certainly not aligned.

That is crude, vulgar and that your name is attached is deeply offensive.
That this is who he chooses to be friends with an align his loyalty to would give me the permanent ick.
Let him off.
You are not wrong to be appalled and wounded by this.
Mind yourself.

How vile. My DP would be absolutely furious - how did he react?!?

I’d have the ick for any man who wasn’t instinctively repulsed by that kind of humour.

I cannot imagine a scenario where I wouldn’t shut down jokes at my DH’s expense.

And in a two decade marriage there have been some occasions where both of us have stepped on each other’s emotional landmines. Except it’s usually the offending partner that’s losing sleep, wondering how they could have been so stupid and trying to take away the hurt that’s been caused.

Has he lost any sleep OP?

You need to trust your instincts on this. It sounds like he is confiding in her about your relationship and maybe grumbles about you as a partner. These type of men can present as the ideal partner to the world - and you - but then they find that one person who will listen to all the crap they have to say and believe any narrative they spout. No one would send something like that if they didn’t have at least a inkling that they recipient would find it funny - which should tell you what you need to know about the side of your partner that she knows.

Had to reread it because skimming over I thought it was your teenage son, not your partner! How childish.

Not acceptable. She's insulting you to your face. Rocky times ahead unless sorted out now. Sorry op.

He should be saying to her, "Fuck off, that's disgusting!", or similar. Then ditch her.

How awful to say that about a friend's DP. What other insults does she say about you, I wonder?

Agree.

I simply wouldn't believe that her sending something so vulgar and derogatory towards you was sent out of the blue.

Their dynamic is such that she felt comfortable being vile about you.

You think you know him, you really don't.

Even if it isn't a unique name, and the comedian is not referring to @Strawberries86 directly, the husband's colleague knows his wife's name, so it seems pretty certain to me that she is directing it at the OP, @TroubleMakingWitch.

This seems to have changed for some people as a new setting and a way of tiktok making people sign up to it. I used to be able to send clips to my friends who didn't have an account, but now if I send anything they just get a screen telling them to sign up and they can't view anything without doing so. Not sure if it depends what device is being used

So he may not have done it purposely for OP to see it, but still I know that doesn't make it any better

Jealous bitch. And ditch him too.

I kind of hope this thread is not real. its hard to believe such a pick me exists.

'He definitely isn’t slagging me off to her. He hasn’t got it in him. He isn’t cruel in the slightest. '

If the woman knows him very well then she would not be sending a video which is a man making a 'joke' in a cruel manner about a woman who has the same name as you if she believes he isn't cruel in the slightest as you naively do!

They have had personal conversations about YOU 🫵🏻.

It's always a shock when you discover a side to a person you believed was kind and caring.

He doesn't have your back, he isn't in your corner and he is VERY chummy with a woman who is happy to ridicule you in front of him.

Sorry

@Supperlite this is him.

I understand why people are saying I’m deluded. It’s hard to convince you but I promise that’s one thing I’m not. Slow to react and slow to process yes but not deluded.

I think, due to courage I got from here, I lost my shit for want of a better phrase this morning. The result was he found the video on YouTube and said he tuned out after the first part when I played it. That as far as he is concerned, the friendship is over.

it’s the response I needed but I’m nearly 40, Iv learned the long and hard way that words are cheap. But I’m going to be cautious and optimistic in hoping this is something we can get past.

im so glad I posted, I needed to get angry. I know some posters will think I’m weak and naive. I might feel the same if the tables were turned but I need to have faith in my judge of character and I know this person isn’t cruel.

I just need to see actions follow the words now.

And fuck that comedian.

EmpressTrinTrin in order to get advice you should create your own thread.

She's only sending stuff like that to op's bf because he's receptive to it.

Are you going to tell off every vulgar, crass, attention seeking, dominant little bitch he ever has contact with and has no appropriate boundaries with?

He's the problem.

I wouldn't waste my time on her. She's obviously a Charlie Uniform November Tango. You aren't going to change that.

100% you need actions.

He can show you the message saying the joke was unacceptable and then that she's blocked on his devices. You can help him with that as he doesn't like digital things.

Op, there are very very few people who'd send something like that to a man without having reason to think it would be well received and would not end the acquaintance/friendship.

There is some background to this.

I wouldn't trust him (I don't even mean cheating, I just mean his boundaries around women like her), I wouldn't invest in him.

No matter how mild he appears, what you saw is not without context.

He doesn't deserve to be in your home, your bed, your body, around your precious kids etc.

Watch out for her claiming that she had no idea that joke was part of the clip she sent. Warn him that he must not accept any excuses from her.

And fuck that comedian

Unpleasant and offensive (and idiotic) material but the comedian is not the problem. Material like that being out there is not the problem.

Material like that, clearly referring to you, arriving on your bf:s phone from his younger female "friend" is the problem.

Don't project your anger onto the wrong thing, because you can't bear to dump him.

She has sent him a video mocking your name and ‘damaged vagina’ from having children. This suggests that they’ve been mocking you behind your back. Why else would she send this?! It’s to undermine you and highlight her apparently ‘undamaged’ vagina. Vile.

You need to realise this man has little integrity and just chuck him in the bin. He’s outed himself unfortunately.

How long was the clip? Do you think it’s realistic that he “zoned out” before the joke?

I've had quite a few male colleagues. One I was quite close to (in an entirely platonic way) due to this length of time we worked together and both of us being chatty. He has a good sense of humour and is far from prudish.

That guy for example, has a wife with an Irish name that doesn't sound terribly pleasant in English (in fact it sounds a bit like groin).

If I saw a comedian joking about that name - let alone anything to do with her having given birth to kids - I would NEVER EVER EVER send it to him. Firstly, because I'm not like that but secondly, because he would be offended and nonplussed, it would cause tension, it would ruin our friendly relationship. He would think I was a dickhead and he'd probably share what I did with her and then she would despise me too. Which would have made work do's and random meetings awkward as fuck.

You have to think carefully about why none of these factors applied to this scenario.

And I don't think it's just stratospheric cluelessness on her part.

It’s great that he now will end the friendship.

The problem is that it doesn’t answer the question of why she thought it was ok to send in the first place?

Making fun of you is unlikely to be a sudden and abrupt development so even if you don’t believe he’s been outright horrible about you, there’s clearly been some negative overtones somewhere.

I think you need to ask him what’s been said about you before and why she would send that video, believing it would get a warm reception.