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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be offended by this

376 replies

Strawberries86 · 13/10/2024 21:57

Dp of 18 months has a younger female friend. They met through work and although no longer work together, remained friends. The context is at times Iv noticed some “mentionitis” but overall the friendship has little impact on me. They mainly watsapp and see each other infrequently, she has a partner also.

The mentioning of this friend has increased recently and il admit Iv been a little concerned.

To the issue!
last night she sent him a TikTok he couldn’t open (he doesn’t have the app) I said to send it to me and he can look on my phone.

It was a video of a comedian making fun of a women with my name. He then goes on to refer to a childish insult related to my name and he then links it to having a damaged vagina due to having children. I have the name and I also have children.

I swear I’m not easily offended but I hardly know this young woman I’m offended that he didn’t see an issue with it but also that she felt safe to send it him? Like a shared joke at my expense.

Give it to me - aibu?

OP posts:
Hippobot · 14/10/2024 08:46

Just rereading some of this thread. The fact you've only been together 18 months makes it all the worse in my opinion. I truly believe you don't see someone's true colours until you've been together at least 2 or 3 years. You may think he would "never slag me off" as he is so kind etc but he's still just showing you his best sides at 18 months in. I swore my ex would never cheat on me as he didn't have it in him - after 13 YEARS he proved me wrong. Also, a younger woman showing interest is incredibly appealing to most men. She must be interested in him as more than a friend or she wouldn't have sent something so offensive about you. You just wouldn't do that about a friend's partner! Unless you saw her as competition (and were a complete bitch!). If we wants to remain "friends" with someone that is trying to put you down to him then that tells you he is not the great guy you think he is. He should have been as offended as you by her sending that. The fact he wasn't bothered means this is probably not a 1st.

independencefreedom · 14/10/2024 08:46

You're right to be offended, and your DP should tell her right now that it's inappropriate to make such a nasty joke using his DP's name and to not do it again. If he can't or won't say that to her then he's not the nice guy you think he is.

Incakewetrust · 14/10/2024 08:47

He is your partner, therefore it's his job to have your back in every situation.
If he isn't angry about it and standing up for you, that tells you everything you need to know.

AgainandagainandagainSS · 14/10/2024 08:59

They both sound incredibly childish

Hoppinggreen · 14/10/2024 09:06

Unless he does anything other than tell her how gross, inappropriate and offensive her sending the video was then he is part of the problem.
This woman is openly mocking you to your H and his reacting should be outrage and anger

Imbusytodaysorry · 14/10/2024 09:19

Strawberries86 · 14/10/2024 06:57

I think I slept like a baby because writing the post was cathartic.

Just a few responses and please don’t any for a minute think I’m naive and making excuses, I’m not.

He definitely isn’t slagging me off to her. He hasn’t got it in him. He isn’t cruel in the slightest.

He hasnt got any social media - genuinely. He hates. Everyone says if he could have a landline and manage with that he probably would.

My only hope is that his reaction to it is like mine, that it was a slow burner. But he is is so calm and measured I think he will give her the benefit of the doubt and think it was an ill judged thing to do. I can’t accept that.

I sent a message last night and deleted it.

I think it will be tomorrow I see him.

Really? So why does he meet with her and chat on his mobile to her ? What makes her so special?

OP he has you sucked in . Please don’t fall for this.

FairyMaclary · 14/10/2024 09:22

The book ‘Not just friends’ by Glass may help you articulate your issue with the friendship.

But after ‘only’ 18 months I’d bin him. Why waste your time with him? What does he actually have in common with her. He’s a tech dinosaur and she’s a tik tokker who sends dodgy jokes? It doesn’t sound funny in the slightest. So I am guessing he just likes the attention of this younger lady and maybe she likes the fact that she could fuck him if she wanted to.

She certainly thinks he would be okay with this cheap shot at his partner and in fairness she was right, he was.

Coruscations · 14/10/2024 09:22

I'm surprised his immediate reaction wasn't to block this woman. I wouldn't tolerate anyone who slagged my DH off like that.

Fannyfiggs · 14/10/2024 09:23

What a horrible little pick me. Don't do the dance. Keep your head held high and move on from this one.

Imbusytodaysorry · 14/10/2024 09:23

veggie50 · 14/10/2024 07:25

I feel she might be grooming your DP. You can't afford to have this snake in your love nest. If she's only a casual friend as he claimed then ask him to let her go. You can phrase it how you like to him but don't give him a choice to keep her.

Why would OP “fight” to keep this one ?
I wouldn’t want him if i was her .

He is dis respectful and a creep .
Hanging around a younger female pretending she is a friend and “he’s not like that “
All the while using @Strawberries86 as the butt of their jokes

Changeyourfuckingcar · 14/10/2024 09:26

MrTiddlesTheCat · 14/10/2024 07:38

He definitely isn’t slagging me off to her. He hasn’t got it in him. He isn’t cruel in the slightest.

Sorry OP but you're absolutely deluded. This didn't come out of nowhere. It's been nurtured and grown in an environment of disrespecting and humiliating you. The face he shows you is very different to the one he enjoys with her.

This. I’m really sorry as this is so gross and such a slap in the face from your partner but he’s obviously cultivated a ‘friendship’ with her where she thought such a video would be well received by him. That doesn’t happen in a vacuum.

Demonhunter · 14/10/2024 09:26

Strawberries86 · 13/10/2024 22:10

Fuck it. @TroubleMakingWitch

my name is Donna and it’s Donna kebab. And because she had kids, bet it really is like a kebab down there.

Yeah that's not one of the ridiculous trending names to mock, so I agree, I'd take it as a direct dig too.

She sounds pathetic and as for your DP, why is he happy being friends with someone who thinks something like that is funny, where's his spine? If he doesn't think it's a big issue then, I'd be questioning what he's talking about with her, and who he actually holds as a higher priority. It really is out of order.

Swanbeauty · 14/10/2024 09:30

This reply has been withdrawn

Withdrawn at OP's request.

PeggyMitchellsCameo · 14/10/2024 09:31

If he doesn’t have TikTok why is she sending them to him? As for Paul Smith, he is not remotely funny. Just picks on people.
So, this woman if she is a woman, she sounds like a young teenager to me. If she feels that message was appropriate she is no friend to your partner if she feels that’s ok. Never mind the level of rudeness towards you.
Male/female straight friendships only work if there are clear boundaries. She clearly has none at all and to be quite frank needs to go.
I agree with PP. It takes a while to get to know someone really well and I think men are flattered in these situations.
While banning friends can seem controlling in this case she needs to be gone from your lives.
She sounds absolutely toxic in every way - the fact that she found that ‘joke’ funny in general is bad enough.
If he doesn’t stand up for you and get rid of her, lovely or not, my trust would be gone.

MsNeis · 14/10/2024 09:33

Oh, OP, I'm sorry and YANBU at all: obviously it's an awful thing to experience.
I get what you say about him not being that kind of guy (I have friends like this, they exist 😅), although it's true that you've only been with him for 18 months and that's something to bear in mind.
Anyway, that girl is clearly grooming him and she has an agenda, that's for sure. That said, you want to be with a man/partner who stands up for you: being overly gentle and slow to the point of being completely useless to defend your partner is wrong. The "joke" is obviously an overstep and crosses so many boundaries that anyone should have realised that. If he hasn't it may not mean he's "bad", but it certainly seems to indicate that he doesn't care about you as much as he should...

NotbloodyGivingupYet · 14/10/2024 09:34

OP it's his weird under reaction that gives me the creeps. It puts a different light on what seems to be his gentle nature. He just isn't reacting normally. Is he really so dense he doesn't see what's wrong with it, or is he a sociopath? Because not reacting in this case looks like not caring. It looks like social interaction is something that means nothing to him and he is able to play the part without meaning any of it. I really hope I'm wrong. It just doesn't feel right.

Runsyd · 14/10/2024 09:35

BettyBardMacDonald · 13/10/2024 22:12

This x1000.

He's clearly receptive to it.

Bin.

Show quote history

Ues, this would be relationship ending for me. Either he ends his relationship with her, or I'd end it with him.

CautiousLurker · 14/10/2024 09:37

Interesting point made above - why send a tiktok clip to someone who doesn’t have it, unless she wanted him to send it to you so that you’d booth watch it? Feels like a calculated insult to me.

cuddlebear · 14/10/2024 09:43

Well she’s a nasty bitch isn’t she?

YANBU. I hope he sees sense.

HotSource · 14/10/2024 09:54

Yuk.

Nasty misogynist ‘joke’.

Did he recognise it as misogyny with or without the name ‘coincidence’?

Does he have the emotional maturity and political nouse to understand what it might feel like to have your name, and your most intimate body parts laughed at with contempt?

Very very sus that a much younger woman sends any such thing to an older man.

If he doesn’t get this, unconditionally and with full empathetic support for you, and wouldn’t think to reply ‘yuk sexist ‘joke’, not appreciated ’ to her, he would be toast, out as crumbs for the birds.

autienotnaughty · 14/10/2024 09:57

I would say to him. "A person you consider a friend has messaged you with a video mocking my name. That is not a coincidence, she's mocking me. What I don't understand is why you think that's acceptable?"

Rosscameasdoody · 14/10/2024 09:58

He needs to grow up and put an end to this ‘friendship’ - they no longer work together so there’s no reason for it. You’re his partner and his only response to this message should be that it’s insulting to you and completely inappropriate, and that the friendship is at an end. But I don’t think he can do that because this screams that he’s complicit in some sort of running joke or banter about you, otherwise she would have had no reason to send him this vile Tik Tok. Why would she ? You need to ask to see the other messages between the two of them and base your decision on whether to end the relationship on what you find there.

Shambles123 · 14/10/2024 09:58

His friend sounds like a completely horrible little moron so he can't be that emotionally mature if he has friends like her. How mean of them both.

JaneYellow · 14/10/2024 10:05

I would be very offended and upset by this. Her tik tok is so offensive to me. If it was sent by a man I would be sickened and roll my eyes but by a woman feels like a betrayal. She is trouble for sure @Strawberries86 , you are not being sensitive. She clearly felt comfortable sending this to your DP.

I would end it with him.

Crazycatlady79 · 14/10/2024 10:07

If she's sending him stuff like that, then there's clearly some established banter around you/your name etc.
It's unlikely it's a one off and it's really fucking disrespectful. It's not just her; it's him as well.