To be offended by this

[Strawberries86]

Dp of 18 months has a younger female friend. They met through work and although no longer work together, remained friends. The context is at times Iv noticed some “mentionitis” but overall the friendship has little impact on me. They mainly watsapp and see each other infrequently, she has a partner also.

The mentioning of this friend has increased recently and il admit Iv been a little concerned.

To the issue!
last night she sent him a TikTok he couldn’t open (he doesn’t have the app) I said to send it to me and he can look on my phone.

It was a video of a comedian making fun of a women with my name. He then goes on to refer to a childish insult related to my name and he then links it to having a damaged vagina due to having children. I have the name and I also have children.

I swear I’m not easily offended but I hardly know this young woman I’m offended that he didn’t see an issue with it but also that she felt safe to send it him? Like a shared joke at my expense.

Give it to me - aibu?

She sounds incredibly immature. Even if it wasn’t your name, it’s weird to send that to a man who has a wife and kids. Kinda feels like a dig regardless. I too would worry about what they’ve been talking about. Unfortunately I’m not sure what you can do other than monitor the situation. It feels off to me though. Trust your instincts!

The woman is a b*tch

I would be very surprised if this is the first time she has tried something like this (dissing you to him)

If it is the first time, I'm surprised he wasn't more put out/upset

I get that he's a calm, steady kind of guy. Sometimes, though, you need support, and that support means HE needs to step out of his comfort zone and be there for you in the way you need

They are slagging you off , clearly
As she felt comfortable to send that knowing he wouldn't be offended.
The start of an emotional affair I think

Sick bitch
I'd be well upset if he continued any friendship with her after this
It would be the start of the end for me ,if he carries on being her friend

I feel she might be grooming your DP. You can't afford to have this snake in your love nest. If she's only a casual friend as he claimed then ask him to let her go. You can phrase it how you like to him but don't give him a choice to keep her.

Honestly that's awful. I would be wondering a) why he is friends with somebody so thick and nasty and b) wtf they are talking about if she sends him stuff like this?

Your partner may appear meek and gentle but you can test it by asking for him to drop this friendship - see how angry and defensive he will get. But, to be honest, I would not trust him stopping chatting to her even if he says he will.

I dont see any way to salvage this situation. The only way he could have proven he is indeed decent is by saying "god, what is this, how awful" straight away after seeing the video and telling you he is sorry his so called friend is a complete twat. You can try talking to him to gauge his reaction but I think he will try to minimise it/ portray you as unreasonable. And if he does, that's your answer - your DP in not a "nice and decent" man but a complete gaslighting bastard pretending to be something he is not.

I'm sorry but how well do you think you know him in 18 months, to know for sure he hasn't got it in him? You only see what he allows you to see, this is who he is outside of your sight - the real him.

I was with my "kind, generous, loving" DH for 17 years but he bonded with the OW by allowing her to slag off my body - the words he said when she said she was prettier than me with a better body were "she's a munter compared to you" will forever be etched across my brain.
And that was just the stuff I know about, I'm sure a lot more was said.

I've worked in a male dominated environment with a lot of banter which usually involved us slagging each other off but the only comment I have ever made about someone's wife or girlfriend is clearly my friend or colleague is punching above their weight to be with her. Because I have boundaries, I'm sure I could have done the pick me girl thing and had a few dangling on a hook feeding me ego kibbles but no thanks.

You deserve better.

I think this is shocking. What woman insults a man’s wife and in such a derogatory manner. What woman insults other women that way.

At What point did she feel this was ok to send to your husband, just how close are they?

He definitely isn’t slagging me off to her. He hasn’t got it in him. He isn’t cruel in the slightest.

Sorry OP but you're absolutely deluded. This didn't come out of nowhere. It's been nurtured and grown in an environment of disrespecting and humiliating you. The face he shows you is very different to the one he enjoys with her.

The thing is..... if he really hasn't got it in him to slag you off, why wasn't his reaction to the tiktok more in line with Mr Nice Guy?

I think you are quite deluded about this, OP

I know a man who’s DW would probably refer to him like that.

He had an affair with me and told me his marriage was over. He was a pathological liar and as it turned out, a very nasty individual who said some rather shocking things about his “D”W.

I wonder how many men have partners who think they are lovely men with integrity who would never slag them off to a co-worker and would be shocked to the core to know what they get up to behind their backs.

Something has made your dp’s colleague think that’s ok to send to him - and his response says a lot.

Sadly, I agree with a PP that at 18 months into a relationship, people are often still on their best behaviour (to your face!). I don't think you can really know for sure what he is and isn't capable of.

In any case, I'd be making it crystal clear that I'm not okay with this friendship. If any friend, male or female, made unkind jokes about my husband that would be the end of it, so I'd expect the same from my husband.

Taken a while to think before posting. You say DP is kind and gentle, but the nature of the clip and the fact that it is a misogynistic dig at you suggests one of several things to me: a) that he is not the man you think he is as he is likely talking about you on some level to his ’friend’; b) that he is weak and lacking substance such that the overtly obnoxious and offensive nature of the clip he was sent was not immediately obvious to him or c) this relationship is utterly toxic and she has been ‘grooming’ him such that he cannot see what she is doing or how it she is shaping his world view, particularly with respect to you and how women should be perceived. It may even be a combination of all three of the above.

On that basis, there is more at stake than the clip that you say he does not seem to understand is deeply hurtful and offensive - it is the fact that this man is simply not strong minded enough to work out for himself how deeply awful it was; it is the fact that he prioritises his relationship with his ‘friend’ in any way that jeopardises what he has with you; it is the fact that he has no innate respect for women (and you specifically) such that the friend KNEW she could send this to him knowing your name, knowing it was offensive, knowing it was misogynistic.

This whole event would - in a term I’ve only discovered on MN - ‘give me the ick’. He is not a man of substance, decency or honour. He is a callow man and you deserve better. There is not a man I know, DH included, who doesn’t engage in a little humour on the boys’ group whatsap that comes close to the bone on occasion but this clip was personal. I’m afraid if I was seriously considering staying in a relationship with this man (and I hope you will consider moving on and finding a better partner personally), then I would make it contingent on this ‘friend’ no longer being part of his life. Not because I am controlling or against men having platonic friendships with the opposite sex… but because this is a toxic friendship that has non platonic undertones.

OP I worry you're deluding yourself about your DP's ability to behave in a way different to what you're accustomed. Him completely playing down the video & minimising that he even heard it properly is a bit like complete avoidance of the topic - it doesn't really even exist so you can't therefore react to it. And making you look the unreasonable one if you do. If he is so honourable or gentlemanly wouldn't he say at the v least it's pretty distasteful or offensive? Or actually say god that was ill judged what planet is this girl on - rather than this be the way you think he'd interpret it?
"But he is is so calm and measured I think he will give her the benefit of the doubt and think it was an ill judged thing to do"
He hasn't actually said he thinks it was ill judged. He's just refused to show any reaction to it in the hope that you won't either.
Do their text conversations give any insight into the way they communicate with eachother? It can't have come completely out of the blue & is indicative to an extent of the way they communicate. Even if that be him just laughing along or not really rising to it or participating, they have a way of communicating unique to them. And it coming to your attention accidentally should definitely give you cause to re-evaluate your opinion of him.

This is awful, I hope your okay. What some of us go through to have children is traumatic and I'd be really upset. I do agree with what others have said there is no way she would have just randomly sent this if she thought it would upset your partner so they must joke around at work. It might be innocent though I'm only saying this because I work in tech and I've seen men act up at work with stupid jokes to try and fit in then act different with their partners.. I find it cringe and I never laugh at their jokes but it happens.

If he can see how unhappy you are and is doing nothing about it then he’s really not a ‘lovely’ person.

What do you know about this man's family? Do you know them well?
How about his friends? Does he have lifelong friends and do you know them and their partners?

Calms and gentles could also describe a serial killer, a serial cheater or one that frequents prostitutes.

If I felt that my partner didn't have my back it would be a deal breaker.

I think this guy not being on social media, being calm and kind is really not what you can rely on. His mask has slipped. As you have children OP, perhaps it's best to throw this one back into the pond.

She either chose it deliberately, in which case she’s a cunt, or she didn’t realise it was inappropriate, in which case she’s stupid.
Either way, he should absolutely see why you’re upset and bend over backwards to apologise and make it up to you. And give her a kick up the arse too.

My DH is like this. Always tries to see the best in people and it can result in him being a bit naive. I’ve had to spell out to him in the past when someone was being rude to me. I am absolutely positive he respects me. He’s just a bit too gentle/unassuming sometimes. I suspect your DP might be similar, and need you to spell out the issues (firstly, it’s hugely inappropriate, and secondly, why on earth does she feel comfortable even sending this to him?). I personally wouldn’t jump to LTB or even assuming he has made it clear to her that it’s ok to send such a weird video. She might be trying it on and this is her first move. Who knows? I don’t think you can automatically blame him for her actions. However, he must understand (perhaps with help) this IS as bad as it looks and he MUST do something about it.
Also, my DH had an admirer when we were getting together. Genuinely had no idea she admired him even though it was obvious to others. Some men are a bit oblivious. Just because she might be trying it on doesn’t mean he has been inviting anything. Only you know your DP’s character and whether he is capable of the duplicity some posters are suggesting.

I'd want to know what he has previously said to make her feel so comfortable sending something like that. Yes she is inappropriate and a dick but he has done/said something to allow her to think that's okay and if he hasn't blocked her over it immediately I'd be livid.

I knew it was going to be this. It's Paul Smith isn't it? I would also wonder wtf they had been talking about. That video was horrible, I felt sorry for the woman he was saying it to as you could see she was embarrassed at the end

You really need to ask your husband why he thinks you would find that amusing. Also suggest to him that, if he's going to talk to her about it, the absolute most he needs to say is that it wasn't funny and he won't be opening any more. He needs to choke off the jolly texts and TikToks immediately.

I thought I'd have a look at this Paul Smith <never heard of him> Donna clip.

He's a slob of a man, embarrassing a woman in the audience. This apparently passes for entertainment. To be fair to your partner OP, he does waffle on, so it's a bit easy to zone out and stop listening.

BUT, if he really is a caring, nice partner, he will shut his 'friend' down and get rid of her as of now.

What kind of a friend to him is she if she sends him videos essentially slagging off his partner (and his partner's vagina no less!)? That is in no way a normal friendship between two heterosexual people of the opposite sex.
I'm very sorry to say this but it screams to me that they have a far more intimate relationship than is appropriate and that he slags you off to her. Otherwise, why would she think it was okay to send it to him. The part about childbirth really makes me think they are having sex and he has slagged you off sexually to her.

Having had my own experience of my ex-partner cheating with a colleague 20 years his junior, trust your gut and do not believe his bullshit. If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck...

Also, the tiny glimpse you are seeing is the very very tip of the iceberg. I deeply suspect you'd be beyond shocked if you could see/hear what they are actually like with each other.

Ugh. That’s disgusting. Honestly I’m surprised that any woman would send that to anyone.

If his response wasn’t immediately to tell her it’s inappropriate and offensive I don’t know what to say. For what it’s worth, it doesn’t necessarily sound as if he’s been saying things about you behind your back, just that she has a dodgy and puerile sense of humour.