To think I did NOT give them a “present” of horrible wine!

[CherryShirt]

A few weeks ago I bought some wine (Royal Tokaji) on special offer, as it had really good reviews and it was a great discount. Well, the reviewers and I obviously had different tastes, as I really didn’t like it. I persevered through a large glass, as I know sometimes unfamiliar tastes can feel unpleasant until you get used to them, but I just didn’t like it.

This weekend I’ve been to visit my parents. They’re both into wine, so, as I had another bottle left, I took it with me to see if it would be more to their tastes. I explained that I hadn’t liked it, but thought they might like to give it a try; after all, it would just have sat gathering dust in my house.

My dad burst out laughing and said, “Oh, so you thought you come to visit and bring some horrible wine, did you? Ooh, what a lovely present. ‘Ooh, happy birthday - here’s some horrible wine!’” This is typical of the kind of “joke” he makes, so I just laughed and replied, “Well it’s not your birthday, is it? And it’s not a present - it’s not like I’ve deliberately bought something I think is awful. I just thought you might want to try it; maybe you’ll like it”.

Neither he or my mum liked it. Fine - it would have only got poured down the sink anyway, so it was worth (in my eyes) checking if they liked it before chucking it. My mum said she’d leave it in the fridge and would cook with it. All good - or so I thought.

My dad kept on about the wine ALL weekend. Every time he had anything to drink, it would be “This is nice - not like the horrible wine you brought us, because you don’t love us”, in this mock childish voice. I tried to ignore it the first night, as taking a joke and stretching it to breaking point is pretty much his MO. But he kept on and on about it. The next night at dinner it was, “Are we having nice wine tonight, or horrible wine?” My aunt phoned and I had a chat with her on my mum’s tablet; my dad peered over my shoulder and said, “Has she told you about the horrible wine?”

Today I’ve flipped. He mentioned it AGAIN and I snapped, “For God’s sake, will you shut up about the bloody wine!! I KNOW you didn’t like it; you’ve said it again and again. But it’s not like I deliberately bought something I thought you wouldn’t like and wrapped it up as a present. I just thought you might want to try it before I threw it out; THAT’S ALL!!”

Of course, now he’s sulking. He was only saying; why can’t I take a joke? And my mum is saying why am I letting it get to me, I know what he’s like etc… basically making it all about my reaction instead of him being an arse all weekend.

I’m sick to the back teeth of it. What sort of “joke” has to go on all weekend and make someone feel shit into the bargain? Why has he made me feel like I deliberately bought them a crappy gift? Frankly I feel like telling him to shove it (and buying him a fucking case of the stuff for Christmas).

Were you there? Have you ever met the man?

"Flustration" at 16.55 nailed it imo.

He wanted to feel shamed and humiliated ?
Unlikely in my opinion, but an interesting take it on it all I suppose.
Or do you mean he deserved to feel shamed and humiliated ?

No, @pikkumyy77 means OP's father was trying to shame and humiliate OP.

Oh thanks @AngelicKaty, I follow now.
Sorry @pikkumyy77 for my misunderstanding.

I really hate to think of OP’s DF trying to shame and humiliate her. I didn’t take it that way at all. Maybe I’m wrong.
OP doesn’t mention her dad having form for shaming and humiliating her so I had no reason to suspect that. And she does also say she is just wanting to have a moan which is fair enough. She also says that his taking a joke and stretching it to breaking point is pretty much his MO.

Sounds like a load of drama to me.

I would have handed it over and said “I’ve brought you some horrible wine” and my dad would still be making that joke a week later, or a month if he happened to remember.

No one would be upset or offended, it’s just sillyness about wine.

HRTFT but he sounds awful, I’m not surprised you snapped :( Why would he rather you throw away something he and his wife might have enjoyed? So peculiar.

And the final sentence that you underlined nails it. In other words, this behaviour is entirely typical of OP's father in undermining people's self-esteem and making them the butt of his endless "jokes". And this is reinforced by OP's mother enabling him by asking OP why she's letting it get to her and saying "you know what he's like" (why do people excuse this sort of behaviour?). Unfortunately, people like this get away with it for years because anyone who has the temerity to call them out on their nasty behaviour gets humiliated further by being told they're humourless ("can't you take a joke? / it was only banter"). And then when the target of this abuse shows they're serious about not tolerating it, they get the sulking routine. Sadly, OP's father's reaction is entirely predictable.
I think it's good you didn't pick up on the negativity of OP's posts because I think this probably shows you may have no experience of anyone like this (which is great!) but sadly these people do exist (see @Rainbowstripes post further up for the extreme of this).
I also think it's good that OP came onto MN to let off steam as I doubt she wants to go NC with either parent, and I'm afraid I totally understand her hurt and frustration and I would have reacted exactly the same way as her. Hope you understand. 😊

You can be upset and/or annoyed without being offended.

Some people have a high tolerance for such behaviour and many of us would be annoyed with someone like this because there is no need or reason to constantly bring it up for an entire weekend.

It’s great you have a high tolerance for such behaviour, but many people don’t and that is ok.

My exH was like that. I don’t know how I lasted all those years. So many “jokes” which were just mean and mean-spirited then a “you can’t take it what’s your problem”. Your mum is a saint or very thick-skinned. I worry about my kids around him now tbh although they fight back. Don’t know what to advise really other than to say I’m there with you. X

I spent much of my life involved in wine - in fact wrote the first advertising for the World Atlas of Wine over 50 years ago.

And as Cora knows Tokaji - Tokay as it was called then - is a sweet dessert wine from Hungary that was very popular in Victorian times.

So it's perfectly possible that her family, used to the far dryer wines drunk now just thought it wasn't any good. How sad that their manners match their ignorance about wine.

Tokai is a dessert wine, not a table wine.
I does not taste anything like Chardonnay or Pinot Grigio, any more than Guinness tastes like Coca-Cola.
Your Dad showed himself to be a complete ignoramus, comparable to an American in Paris ordering his Steak Tartare to be cooked medium-rare.
His treatment of you is despicable. 😫

I was given a horrible bottle of wine once. It got poured down the sink, but I wouldn't have gone on about it like your dad did though.
It's not nice when you receive something that's not nice or suitable.

Sounds like my Dad too. You have my full sympathy. My Mum isn't around to keep him in line anymore so he's much worse.

So it's perfectly possible that her family, used to the far dryer wines drunk now just thought it wasn't any good. How sad that their manners match their ignorance about wine.

It’s not “ignorant” to dislike something. Surely you can see not every bottle of wine in a certain style will be good by default?

I does not taste anything like Chardonnay or Pinot Grigio, any more than Guinness tastes like Coca-Cola.

No one expected this. But it wasn’t a good Tojaki in my view - just as there are bad Chardonnays and Pinots.

I can't get over how in lots of threads, perceived poor behaviour is reciprocated with much wiser behaviour!
Could you not just have said ' It's not funny dad'??!!

Much worse behaviour

You were right first time, @letmego24 …

Never cook with wine that you wouldn’t drink. (Missed point of thread entirely) 😉

This is how it is in my family too. With anything like this, my mum gets it and my dad very much does not (or pretends not to). As kids we had it drilled into us that the important thing is to keep the peace and not upset him. I say good for you for telling him off! I do that with my dad too now when he's being awful, and so does my sister. There comes a point when keeping the peace is not actually worth it for your own sanity and/or self-worth.

You could try, 'So you really liked it, Dad? I've got a few bottles left...'

I don't want to be that person, but... it actually does sound like you can't take a joke. That sort of situation and that same joke would have me and my friends laughing for days.

So you can't accept that people have different senses of humour then? If they don't find you funny they must be humourless? You sound like OP's dad.

I find these reactions surprising.
Dad made a silly joke, then repeated it ad nauseam.
Why didn't you just ignore him or make a better joke back? Easily done!

That kind of situation is not meant as a joke, when things are mentioned over and over again in this way, its an attempt to belittle someone, especially when they mention it in front of others hoping to make them laugh and simultaneously humiliate the person. Because you’re not aware of that it doesn’t mean the OP is at fault.