To think I did NOT give them a “present” of horrible wine!

[CherryShirt]

A few weeks ago I bought some wine (Royal Tokaji) on special offer, as it had really good reviews and it was a great discount. Well, the reviewers and I obviously had different tastes, as I really didn’t like it. I persevered through a large glass, as I know sometimes unfamiliar tastes can feel unpleasant until you get used to them, but I just didn’t like it.

This weekend I’ve been to visit my parents. They’re both into wine, so, as I had another bottle left, I took it with me to see if it would be more to their tastes. I explained that I hadn’t liked it, but thought they might like to give it a try; after all, it would just have sat gathering dust in my house.

My dad burst out laughing and said, “Oh, so you thought you come to visit and bring some horrible wine, did you? Ooh, what a lovely present. ‘Ooh, happy birthday - here’s some horrible wine!’” This is typical of the kind of “joke” he makes, so I just laughed and replied, “Well it’s not your birthday, is it? And it’s not a present - it’s not like I’ve deliberately bought something I think is awful. I just thought you might want to try it; maybe you’ll like it”.

Neither he or my mum liked it. Fine - it would have only got poured down the sink anyway, so it was worth (in my eyes) checking if they liked it before chucking it. My mum said she’d leave it in the fridge and would cook with it. All good - or so I thought.

My dad kept on about the wine ALL weekend. Every time he had anything to drink, it would be “This is nice - not like the horrible wine you brought us, because you don’t love us”, in this mock childish voice. I tried to ignore it the first night, as taking a joke and stretching it to breaking point is pretty much his MO. But he kept on and on about it. The next night at dinner it was, “Are we having nice wine tonight, or horrible wine?” My aunt phoned and I had a chat with her on my mum’s tablet; my dad peered over my shoulder and said, “Has she told you about the horrible wine?”

Today I’ve flipped. He mentioned it AGAIN and I snapped, “For God’s sake, will you shut up about the bloody wine!! I KNOW you didn’t like it; you’ve said it again and again. But it’s not like I deliberately bought something I thought you wouldn’t like and wrapped it up as a present. I just thought you might want to try it before I threw it out; THAT’S ALL!!”

Of course, now he’s sulking. He was only saying; why can’t I take a joke? And my mum is saying why am I letting it get to me, I know what he’s like etc… basically making it all about my reaction instead of him being an arse all weekend.

I’m sick to the back teeth of it. What sort of “joke” has to go on all weekend and make someone feel shit into the bargain? Why has he made me feel like I deliberately bought them a crappy gift? Frankly I feel like telling him to shove it (and buying him a fucking case of the stuff for Christmas).

@thepariscrimefiles Yep I'm a northerner and he would piss off everyone I know.

I think this sort of reaction is how future interactions may go, so to dial back these sorts of gestures. Your dad took the joke painfully far.

I was burned several times by both my parents but not jokes but anger and I actually don’t think it’s much different whether it is jokes or anger, it is being rude. My parents pretend any presents are so expensive and when opening would exclaim this angrily and say not to spend money, and this went on for many years. It sucks the joy out because my siblings and I like to buy something nice for them. Outside of celebrations I would sometimes leave little presents such as something to read for my mum (mags that she likes), and she got so angry about it saying not to do that. I’ve learned my lesson and don’t do any gestures ever again. When it is a celebration present it is a small amount, may as well be free off the street.

Unfortunately no regard for anyone else's feelings or the relationship, very sensitive himself but indifferent to the feelings of others.

This is not a trait of autism. Autistic people often have trouble reading and anticipating the feelings of others, but that is absolutely not the same as not caring about anyone else's feelings but their own.

The bright line test for whether someone was actually joking in a loving way or innocently oblivious to the negative effects of their comments is how they respond when they're told their comments/actions hurt or upset another.

THIS.
(I speak as someone diagnosed with autism).

Didn't you realise you were contradicting yourself when you typed out the first and second sentence? OP said it wasn't a present, therefore it wasn't a present. Her parents 'being into wine' doesn't magically make it a present when it was neither intended nor announced as one, it's just the reason why she gave it to them - presumably if they didn't drink she wouldn't have bothered.

You must have very formal relationships with your parents if you can only conceptualise giving each other things within the context of official 'presents.' In my family my mum grows some mint, she gives me a cutting. Supermarket delivery gives me a substitute I don't like I ask if my parents want it rather than binning it. I buy leggings that don't fit, I give them to my sister. She hands down her DC's clothes to mine. We wouldn't consider any of these as 'presents,' just normal sharing among family and wouldn't be offended either at being given them as the recipient, or as the giver if the recipient then didn't like/want to keep them.

This is my experience too. I don't know any autistic people who get a kick out of bullying others. If they say the wrong thing it's unintentional and they can get disproportionately upset and try really hard to make amends

Only read your first post OP but had to jump on to say my FIL (who thankfully has other redeeming qualities) is like this in terms of the particular brand of 'wind up' / 'taking joke further and further especially for a reaction' humour and it drives. Me. Up. The. WALL!!!!! Doesn't bother MIL and DH in the slightest presumably as they've had lifetimes to get used to it but oh my goodness it makes me bonkers. Some solidarity. I tend to just go quiet when it's being taken super far as can't trust myself not to crack! (Which I also have sometimes but thankfully he isn't a sulker, oof that must be extra difficult!) No advice sorry. Just solidarity as I say for the brand of humour being annoying.

Sometimes I get made out to be the bonkers / sensitive one so I'm so glad majority here don't love it either!

Same here. It sounds more like a southern type of situation to me. Can't imagine any northern men I know behaving like this

YANBU. My parents do similar and sometimes bring random bottles when they visit... why chuck out a bottle of wine if someone else might like it?! I'm not offended if it's terrible and they're not offended if I pour it away in front of them if it happens to be terrible (generally pretty unusual, however it does happen... a proportion of their wine collection belonged to my late grandfather who died 8 years ago, so not everything is as drinkable as it once was...).

Sounds like a right miserable old fart. Did you try mixing it with something? I can't drink red wine on it's own but I love it with orange Fanta.

Yes, but autistic people aren't all the same.

You can be autistic and have other things going on. Not all autistic people are super caring, just like not all neurotypical people are. Some have the thought process that if they don't see the problem, then it's other people being irrational. So you can have both cognitive and emotional empathy deficits to a certain extent working 'in tandem', without necessarily intending to be an arsehole.

Sorry he’s a dick.
let him sulk!

Some have the thought process that if they don't see the problem, then it's other people being irrational. So you can have both cognitive and emotional empathy deficits

This is just being an asshole - someone who thinks other people's views and feelings are unimportant and worthless.

Some autistic people are indeed assholes just like some neurotypical people are assholes.

OP, so sorry so many on this thread don't get your clearly written post.

Your father is an arse.
A tedious, dull, repetitive arse.
Your mother confirmed it.

My advice is don't bother doing anything like this again and perhaps see less of him.
See your mother for coffee out of the house.

Same? I can’t imagine getting offended by those comments/jokes. Clearly in the minority!

If you want to see it that way, sure. I think if you don't intuitively understand how other people might feel about something, it can be harder to learn to be sensitive. It doesn't mean you're an arsehole in every other way. We are talking about tedious joking here, not actual cruelty.

Again, "intuitively understanding how other people might feel" and "being sensitive" are absolutely not the same thing as not believing other people's feelings are valid and important. Caring about hurting other people is not a cognitive or communication skill, it's a character value.

Trying to excuse the latter under the guise of autism or neurodiversity harms everyone, especially autistic people like myself who don't deserve to have autism thought of as a lack of empathy or respect for others.

Me too. The hard of thinking are out in force this evening. Maybe they've been on the bottle!

My mum is like this. Says the meanest things at my expense and if I react negatively then it's 'you can't take a joke' 'you're so sensitive' or the best one yet 'I live in fear of your moods'
Funnily enough I have this problem with no one else in my life, because even the worst people I've ever met don't speak to me like she does and don't make 'jokes' like she does.

Your dad was being an arse (and a bully). Giving them something to try as they might like it is fine.

I gave my mum an opened pack of fruit pots the other day (3 pots from a pack of 4). Told her that I had bought a different brand to normal but I didn't like them so did she want to try them. She took them, didn't like them either, and binned them. No drama at all.

Offended, no, but definitely would find a person tedious and annoying for making the same “joke” repeatedly for an entire weekend.

I have never come across a site with such poor literacy and basic comprehension issues, post after post, and used to bully too.

The OP's father is a nasty arse.
"Sensitive" is used by abusive bullys.

Ok, but were OP's feelings hurt? It sounds more annoying/frustrating to me. There's a difference between not understanding the nuances of when to stop an annoying joke or not seeing why it's a big deal to someone, and not caring about them.

Explaining doesn't mean excusing, OP's dad was obviously being extremely annoying. People are so black-and-white on MN, hearing one negative story and assuming the rest, instead of just accepting that people are a mix of different things and have faults and blind spots.

As for the autism thing - I'm just stating my own observations. You don't speak for all autistic people, or other people's experiences of autistic people. It's not a reflection on you.

Acquired?