To think I did NOT give them a “present” of horrible wine!

[CherryShirt]

A few weeks ago I bought some wine (Royal Tokaji) on special offer, as it had really good reviews and it was a great discount. Well, the reviewers and I obviously had different tastes, as I really didn’t like it. I persevered through a large glass, as I know sometimes unfamiliar tastes can feel unpleasant until you get used to them, but I just didn’t like it.

This weekend I’ve been to visit my parents. They’re both into wine, so, as I had another bottle left, I took it with me to see if it would be more to their tastes. I explained that I hadn’t liked it, but thought they might like to give it a try; after all, it would just have sat gathering dust in my house.

My dad burst out laughing and said, “Oh, so you thought you come to visit and bring some horrible wine, did you? Ooh, what a lovely present. ‘Ooh, happy birthday - here’s some horrible wine!’” This is typical of the kind of “joke” he makes, so I just laughed and replied, “Well it’s not your birthday, is it? And it’s not a present - it’s not like I’ve deliberately bought something I think is awful. I just thought you might want to try it; maybe you’ll like it”.

Neither he or my mum liked it. Fine - it would have only got poured down the sink anyway, so it was worth (in my eyes) checking if they liked it before chucking it. My mum said she’d leave it in the fridge and would cook with it. All good - or so I thought.

My dad kept on about the wine ALL weekend. Every time he had anything to drink, it would be “This is nice - not like the horrible wine you brought us, because you don’t love us”, in this mock childish voice. I tried to ignore it the first night, as taking a joke and stretching it to breaking point is pretty much his MO. But he kept on and on about it. The next night at dinner it was, “Are we having nice wine tonight, or horrible wine?” My aunt phoned and I had a chat with her on my mum’s tablet; my dad peered over my shoulder and said, “Has she told you about the horrible wine?”

Today I’ve flipped. He mentioned it AGAIN and I snapped, “For God’s sake, will you shut up about the bloody wine!! I KNOW you didn’t like it; you’ve said it again and again. But it’s not like I deliberately bought something I thought you wouldn’t like and wrapped it up as a present. I just thought you might want to try it before I threw it out; THAT’S ALL!!”

Of course, now he’s sulking. He was only saying; why can’t I take a joke? And my mum is saying why am I letting it get to me, I know what he’s like etc… basically making it all about my reaction instead of him being an arse all weekend.

I’m sick to the back teeth of it. What sort of “joke” has to go on all weekend and make someone feel shit into the bargain? Why has he made me feel like I deliberately bought them a crappy gift? Frankly I feel like telling him to shove it (and buying him a fucking case of the stuff for Christmas).

Urrrrrgh my dad can be a bit like this too and it is tedious beyond belief. I usually start saying something like "oh Dad the dementia is starting to kick in, you've forgotten that you've made that joke twice already" then "poor Dad, off he goes again with the same joke, he's losing his marbles" each time he does it.

What's annoying is that now every time you visit or even drink wine with them he'll bring it up.

Oh my goodness your last line - it's so true, I can completely see this happening - oh nooo, OP 🙈

And there is the problem. The bringing it up over and over and over again. Something that as a one off might have been passed off as mildly amusing becomes a stick to beat you with.

As an example...
My father has done this with my mother. Something sentimental to him got accidentally broken. Over 40 years later, he still 'jokes' about her throwing it across the room at him. We all know she didn't, it slipped from her hand and smashed at her feet. She has cried and begged and pleaded with him to stop, but because he thinks it is funny, he keeps on needling her.

I won't start on all the occasions he has done it to me. How he has utterly undermined my self belief.

It’s the OP’s dad who needs to ‘’chill out and move past it’’ not her. I know exactly the sort of people you mean, OP, and there’s nothing worse. He clearly was offended and passively aggressively making that known under the guise of a joke, trying to make you feel small and humiliated. He sounds like an insufferable twat 🤣. I’m not surprised you snapped, I’d have reacted exactly the same.

If I am going to stay with my mother, I normally bring a small gift (flowers/chocolate etc). She may be my parent but she is also hosting me.

YANBU - Royal Toyaji wine can be delicious, we used to have Tokaji Azsu dessert wine at Christmas and my DF in particular loved it.

Your dad was being a total teed, glad you pulled him up on it.

You now know what to get him for Christmas 🤣 it'll give him something to moan about.

Good on you for calling him out on it. He sounds insufferable! (sorry).

Take something nice next time, but say just for you mum, dad can’t try it in case he doesn’t like it and just goes on and on about it all weekend because I will snap again, and then he will do the offended ‘oh can’t you take a joke’ even though it is very clearly not a joke.

Your response should be - “I was only saying. Can’t you take a joke?”

He sounds like an annoying expletive.

Your mum should have backed you up and told him to wind his neck in after the 3rd ‘joke’ 🙄

I agree it is often older, retired people without much to discuss so they rehash the same unfunny joke. My father has fallen into it a bit. It can be pretty grating. My father brings everything back to Trump -- not even vaguely related or funny. I do know a friend's husband in his 40s that repeats the same story about me and my husband to me and my husband every time we see him. I hate to imagine what he'll be like in retirement!

You could fight fire with fire and every time you give them/ them/ observe them drinking wine say “Best not give any to dad, he won’t like it!” Or “Make sure it’s horrible wine!”

Like every time.

He will soon get annoyed after the initial justification that you brought shit wine - don’t respond just smile. Keep doing it. It will piss him off and he will be shown very much to not be able to take a ‘joke’.

Then (after a long time) you can point out how bloody annoying it is and use the wine ref every time he keeps making the same sodding joke in the future - “Would you like some nasty wine, dad?” “Oh dear, better give dad some horrible wine” etc.

But it's her parents you should be able to say to your parents I bought two of these didn't like it but you might like it without it being some moral outrage. I would do that with loads of stuff rather than throw it away, in sure I've done it with perfume, it's not a gift, you're just saying possibly save this from waste. It's pretty immature not to get that I think

Gahhh my FIL is exactly like this - goes on and on with the same ‘joke’, repeating it at every chance he gets. Doesn’t seem to care that everyone is rolling their eyes. You have my sympathies.

I get it op. Every Christmas and event my dad would bring up the time I got drunk on holiday when I was 15 and offered unlimited wine. Or the time I got caught smoking or when I danced (badly) on stage as a child. All a good joke and to get a laugh. Until I was probably at least 30 I didn't feel I could say anything due to the power imbalance but when I did start telling him to pack it in it did stop.

Your Dad sounds like a bit of a dick and your mother enables him in that. This sort of shit gets tedious the older you get OP and there is no real answer to it. We have to put up with it or not go there, although it might be worth a, "Dad, you are really upsetting me now with this. I thought you might like it as it had good reviews and you didn't. It wasn't a present, I just wondered if it was me. Leave it now or I'm going home".

You did absolutely nothing wrong OP.

But I also think your dad was trying to be funny. Almost as if he had developed a special in house joke between you. He was pleased with himself because he had something to say to cause a bit of a laugh. It made him feel good so he seized every opportunity to run the banter on, and on, and even trying to include other family members in it.

It was all at your expense but in his excitement he disregarded that aspect of it. He didn’t notice you becoming more and more bored and offended with his repeat performances because you covered your annoyance well like a good guest.
So you snapped and broke the magic for him.

i honestly don’t think he set out to be deliberately offensive though. But then his defence mechanism kicked in and he was offended that you were offended and it went downhill quickly because he sulked a bit.

I would spare a thought for your poor mum who was then caught in the middle wearily trying to smooth it all over.

Just forget about it now OP, remembering that they brought you up successfully and this was just an old dad type joke that was very irritating especially as you were very clear in your head about your good intentions.

It’s likely that the older he gets the more you will have to turn away and roll your eyes privately to yourself. It’s not really worth falling out over is it.
Hopefully he will also have forgotten about it by the next time you visit.

YANBU, I get it, op.

My parents were like this with me (never my brother) endless teasing and nitpicking but all very much focussed on the idea that everything I do is wrong.

One Christmas they asked what we wanted and as we'd just moved house I asked for a set of cordless phones (this was in landline times).

For a reason unbeknownst to me they then decided to buy the same phones for their house. Apparently the phones were terrible and inferior (I never had a problem with mine.

I literally didn't hear the end of it. My mother struggled to press the button to answer (not elderly just making a meal of it) and every phone call began with "oh these USELESS phones. They are so AWFUL. I do not know WHY YOU CHOSE THEM"

I didn't even recommend that they buy them. They just chose to. But it was a lovely opportunity to criticise me and they ran with it for years.

We're no contact now (for much more serious reasons). It's a relief.

Quite an interesting article on echolalia or scripting or verbal stimming.

(I know I do it but hopefully not that bad for others just me sounding long winded/awkward 😅🤔...didn't know there was a word for it).

I'm in an industry where ND is sky-high, and plenty who genuinely cannot comprehend or process a question in normal time.

If someone nice politely says "how was your journey?" or "what's the weather like in X?' or "how was your week?" they get very anxious.

Open conversation or questions are not something they can process.

I suspect many older autistic people may be entrenched in maladaptive coping mechanisms - they genuinely lack the ability to listen/respond/engage with a new conversation or information.

Or anxiety takes over and they get into panic mode.

But they also have the emotional urge to say something.

So it's easier to talk by returning to, or repeating an old "anecdote" which isn't relevant or appropriate or even true. This works because they don't need to process anything new.

Then they detect others are annoyed, get rigid and defensive and it's like a new universe or reality emerges 😬

In my work, meetings and talks often have one or more audience members just doing some stream-of-consciousness which has no resemblance to reality.

At best, hopefully it's innocent and constrained and on their pet topic

but often it's kind of like they're in a "zone" or their own parallel universe and it's incredibly weird and surreal and intimidating for the person they're directing it at.

And unfortunately often it's accompanied by a lack of self awareness, they're being "logical", oh why is everyone now refusing to attend meetings and WFH?

No one likes feeling lonely (because that's what happens when you feel like your presence and feelings are irrelevant) and ranted at by someone.

I imagine it may have been amusing watching the OP slowly come to the boil about it.

OP, obviously I don’t know your parents, but mine have very small lives, to the point where tiny irritations/events/a neighbour’s sister they’ve never met getting her hip replaced take on a huge significance. This may have struck your father as the major funny event of his week/month, especially if he has form for overstretching a joke.

Mildly irritating, sure, but you seem disproportionately enraged about it…

You really have no way of knowing this. Not all people who say hurtful things are sweet, bumbling, innocents. The way you know its not innocent us hiw angry and sulky he became when called on it. A sweet person who made a mistake would be crestfallen and apologize.

@pikkumyy77
That’s right, it goes without saying that none of us have a way of knowing the exact situation. We can only go on what the OP has told us.
But It’s an option for the OP to consider, from my own life experience, just the same as everybody’s else’s. That’s what AIBU is all about surely, and in my first line, I clearly said she had done absolutely nothing wrong (IMO that is) I also said that he had become defensive and taken offence as a result of being called out on it. Some people become defensive when called out, some people become crestfallen and apologetic I agree. But OP wasn’t asking if he was being unreasonable (or guilty or innocent) she was asking if she was being unreasonable in her reaction.

Well—people often get the reaction they ate looking for is the way I look at it. I think the father got the reaction he wanted which was shame and humiliation.