To think I did NOT give them a “present” of horrible wine!

[CherryShirt]

A few weeks ago I bought some wine (Royal Tokaji) on special offer, as it had really good reviews and it was a great discount. Well, the reviewers and I obviously had different tastes, as I really didn’t like it. I persevered through a large glass, as I know sometimes unfamiliar tastes can feel unpleasant until you get used to them, but I just didn’t like it.

This weekend I’ve been to visit my parents. They’re both into wine, so, as I had another bottle left, I took it with me to see if it would be more to their tastes. I explained that I hadn’t liked it, but thought they might like to give it a try; after all, it would just have sat gathering dust in my house.

My dad burst out laughing and said, “Oh, so you thought you come to visit and bring some horrible wine, did you? Ooh, what a lovely present. ‘Ooh, happy birthday - here’s some horrible wine!’” This is typical of the kind of “joke” he makes, so I just laughed and replied, “Well it’s not your birthday, is it? And it’s not a present - it’s not like I’ve deliberately bought something I think is awful. I just thought you might want to try it; maybe you’ll like it”.

Neither he or my mum liked it. Fine - it would have only got poured down the sink anyway, so it was worth (in my eyes) checking if they liked it before chucking it. My mum said she’d leave it in the fridge and would cook with it. All good - or so I thought.

My dad kept on about the wine ALL weekend. Every time he had anything to drink, it would be “This is nice - not like the horrible wine you brought us, because you don’t love us”, in this mock childish voice. I tried to ignore it the first night, as taking a joke and stretching it to breaking point is pretty much his MO. But he kept on and on about it. The next night at dinner it was, “Are we having nice wine tonight, or horrible wine?” My aunt phoned and I had a chat with her on my mum’s tablet; my dad peered over my shoulder and said, “Has she told you about the horrible wine?”

Today I’ve flipped. He mentioned it AGAIN and I snapped, “For God’s sake, will you shut up about the bloody wine!! I KNOW you didn’t like it; you’ve said it again and again. But it’s not like I deliberately bought something I thought you wouldn’t like and wrapped it up as a present. I just thought you might want to try it before I threw it out; THAT’S ALL!!”

Of course, now he’s sulking. He was only saying; why can’t I take a joke? And my mum is saying why am I letting it get to me, I know what he’s like etc… basically making it all about my reaction instead of him being an arse all weekend.

I’m sick to the back teeth of it. What sort of “joke” has to go on all weekend and make someone feel shit into the bargain? Why has he made me feel like I deliberately bought them a crappy gift? Frankly I feel like telling him to shove it (and buying him a fucking case of the stuff for Christmas).

@VTown and @AgileGreenSeal get it. It is abusive. My brother can be the same as my father. And it is horrendous. It has done untold damage over the years, as it turns into a form of gaslighting where you question of you are just humourless, when you have been ground down by years and years of bullying and belittling dressed up as 'just a joke'. I

Of course, now he’s sulking. He was only saying; why can’t I take a joke? And my mum is saying why am I letting it get to me, I know what he’s like etc… basically making it all about my reaction instead of him being an arse all weekend.

You might enjoy (not quite the right word really!) the Stately Homes thread OP

Ok fair enough however I mentioned it as if you knew if was a sweet wine to be drunk from a tiny glass you may not have given it to them in the first place.

It’s one of the nastiest ways a narcissist or other bully tries to hurt people- they jab you again and again until you react and then they play the victim card, by sulking and accuse you of being unable to take a joke.

Yet such people are utterly incapable of laughing at themselves in a genuinely funny or self effacing situation because their fragile infantile egos have to be massaged constantly by wounding others or they feel they aren’t ‘winning’.

They are a blight on humanity.

Op, I totally get it. I too would’ve done the same. However, Mumsnet seems to have decided to ignore everything you’ve written in your original post, and choose to be offended that you brought your parents a present that you knew they wouldn’t like! When it was never a present anyway 🤷‍♀️😂

If it wasn't for the fact that my uncle never had children, I'd be wondering if we were cousins - my uncle never knows when to let things go and would have been banging on about it the whole time as well. He'd be bringing it up years down the line expecting a big laugh (he likes to get a reaction).

Spot on. And @Rainbowstripes illustrates this perfectly in her post further up:
"This could literally be my Dad. One day I'd had enough and politely but firmly put my foot down about him using humour as a way to belittle me constantly and he flipped and told me I was dead to him. If it feels intentional and bad natured it probably is no matter how much he says it's a 'joke'." How narcissistic does a parent have to be to react this way to being called out for their bad behaviour?
As you say, the rest of humanity wouldn't miss them.

.

Ok I'm going to say it ..

...does he have autism or neurodiversity?

I have traits myself (hopefully have self educated myself, though I maintain a tendency to ramble...).

Signs are:

Not really comfortable or fitting in but trying to by pretending theres an "in joke". The in-crowd has a company of one, sadly.

Not actually funny or original or clever but just continuing obsessively on one topic way after anyone is interested. Can't read signals.

When challenged, coming up with arguments about how actually he's the logical, funny, amusing, chilled out one and everyone else is hysterical and hyper sensitive.

Unfortunately no regard for anyone else's feelings or the relationship, very sensitive himself but indifferent to the feelings of others.

Examples I've experienced (apart from my long posts,)

• Older man who kept going on about how I used to be fat as he'd seen me in a different outfit at an event 🤔

I didn't actually care but he just kept repeating this as if I'd done some big "reveal" or lost 3 stone over a week.

Absolutely no-one (including me) had approached this topic or was remotely interested. There was nothing to discuss!

But he kept blurting this weird "observation" out randomly. Former senior professor with tonnes of money. No common sense.

• Young relative who can't stop stream of consciousness observations (often perceived as quite hurtful or inappropriate). Diagnosed so hopefully will receive some support with social skills.

• Dad of young relative, same, observations phrased as domineering "jokes".

This is his whole conversational flow...you try to politely change the topic, weather, food, travel.

No, need to return to the unfunny discussion about how "we" all make jokes about how messy you look. There is no "we", just him.

If you walk away he follows you around repeating himself looking anxious and aggressive and tries to get other people involved. It's not a discussion, it's a monologue of verbal diarrhoea.

• Ex partners mother, had her "trains of thought" which generally involved some sort of criticism, repeated multiple times until everyone in the group was wincing.

My ex moved countries to get away from her when he had children.

She insisted on following him (no-one wanted her around after she was widowed)

but he has to keep her in a neighbouring country a flight away as his wife can't bear her.

I think with this autism, maybe it's better if they have something else to do or focus on or analyse for the mental energy or to decompress? I know I need outlets or I get intense (I'm mostly harmless though).

But it's shit and annoying for the recipient.

Sounds like your dad has a similar sense of humour as my dad. And struggles to know when to stop. It has gotten worse the older he gets.

Same @rewis. The struggle is real. I just smile/ignore; it used to bother but I let it go these days.

No I meant when she tried it

That’s definitely the reaction of a classic narc. There’s only one solution to having a person like that in your life- go no contact.

(and if ‘no contact’ isn’t a feasible option then grey rock them.

They will not change, except to get worse over time. Monsters.

This reminds me of my mother. It's not only men who do "only joking" or "you're too sensitive". It really pisses me off: the joke/insult followed by the further insult of lack of sense of humour for daring to stand up to them. Then my mother gets off on the argument that follows. Triple wammy. So fucking draining.

But I am too much of wimp/kind to be nasty. My sister isn't. She has a sharp tongue and can really cut my mother down. My mother never says such shit to her. Pure bullying.

Never buy him anything again and couch it in "ohh I always seem to get it wrong" and smile and tilt your head. Stupid idiot.

It’s classic narcissist behaviour. Research it for yourself. And they never get better, only worse over time.

No contact if you value your sanity.
Grey rock if no contact isn’t possible.
Sorry you have these people in your life.

does he have autism or neurodiversity?

No diagnosis, but I’ve wondered this as he can take things VERY literally and get quite rigid in his thinking about something.

This. Id not have said i didnt like it just that you'd read some good reviews and thought they might enjoy it.

In my dad's case, it's almost certainly an autistic thing coupled with the fact that he's got away with it for too long to change now. He's actually very kind, but he gets an ideé fixe and loses sight of normal behaviour at times.

Well said! Can't believe all the excuses people are coming up with for this behavior.

But as I commented to the poster you’re quoting, I would then have had to “try” some myself; it would have seemed very odd to take the wine, talk up the good reviews but then not drink any myself.

I just don’t see how pretending the wine was a present and that I had no idea I wouldn’t like it is somehow better than being honest and saying “Do you want to try this? It wasn’t to my taste, but you might like it”.

Sounds like totally normal family humour to me, and I wouldn’t bat an eyelid - but I’m a northerner 🤷🏻‍♀️

How very dare you df slate Hungarian wine 😡 he clearly doesn’t know his wines and thinks he’s a ‘wine snob’. He knows chuff all about wine. He’s also got the manners of a gibbon.

But they might have liked it! This was an expensive bottle of wine. People have different tastes. If they had liked it, would you still say it was bad form?

It wasn't a gift because OP and her family don't bring gifts when they visit. OP says she normally treats them to a meal out or a takeaway instead.

This behaviour will just mean that OP won't want to visit them.

I generally don't find autistic/ASD people to be sulky and intentionally bullying like this.

I'm a northerner and I think he sounds like an annoying twat.