To think I did NOT give them a “present” of horrible wine!

[CherryShirt]

A few weeks ago I bought some wine (Royal Tokaji) on special offer, as it had really good reviews and it was a great discount. Well, the reviewers and I obviously had different tastes, as I really didn’t like it. I persevered through a large glass, as I know sometimes unfamiliar tastes can feel unpleasant until you get used to them, but I just didn’t like it.

This weekend I’ve been to visit my parents. They’re both into wine, so, as I had another bottle left, I took it with me to see if it would be more to their tastes. I explained that I hadn’t liked it, but thought they might like to give it a try; after all, it would just have sat gathering dust in my house.

My dad burst out laughing and said, “Oh, so you thought you come to visit and bring some horrible wine, did you? Ooh, what a lovely present. ‘Ooh, happy birthday - here’s some horrible wine!’” This is typical of the kind of “joke” he makes, so I just laughed and replied, “Well it’s not your birthday, is it? And it’s not a present - it’s not like I’ve deliberately bought something I think is awful. I just thought you might want to try it; maybe you’ll like it”.

Neither he or my mum liked it. Fine - it would have only got poured down the sink anyway, so it was worth (in my eyes) checking if they liked it before chucking it. My mum said she’d leave it in the fridge and would cook with it. All good - or so I thought.

My dad kept on about the wine ALL weekend. Every time he had anything to drink, it would be “This is nice - not like the horrible wine you brought us, because you don’t love us”, in this mock childish voice. I tried to ignore it the first night, as taking a joke and stretching it to breaking point is pretty much his MO. But he kept on and on about it. The next night at dinner it was, “Are we having nice wine tonight, or horrible wine?” My aunt phoned and I had a chat with her on my mum’s tablet; my dad peered over my shoulder and said, “Has she told you about the horrible wine?”

Today I’ve flipped. He mentioned it AGAIN and I snapped, “For God’s sake, will you shut up about the bloody wine!! I KNOW you didn’t like it; you’ve said it again and again. But it’s not like I deliberately bought something I thought you wouldn’t like and wrapped it up as a present. I just thought you might want to try it before I threw it out; THAT’S ALL!!”

Of course, now he’s sulking. He was only saying; why can’t I take a joke? And my mum is saying why am I letting it get to me, I know what he’s like etc… basically making it all about my reaction instead of him being an arse all weekend.

I’m sick to the back teeth of it. What sort of “joke” has to go on all weekend and make someone feel shit into the bargain? Why has he made me feel like I deliberately bought them a crappy gift? Frankly I feel like telling him to shove it (and buying him a fucking case of the stuff for Christmas).

This could literally be my Dad. One day I'd had enough and politely but firmly put my foot down about him using humour as a way to belittle me constantly and he flipped and told me I was dead to him. If it feels intentional and bad natured it probably is no matter how much he says it's a 'joke'

@CherryShirt And when you give him the bottle, tell him you thought it matched his "humor" and he should enjoy it, as it is almost as acidic as he is. Then, offer him a glass every 5 minutes throughout the whole weekend. When he sulks, tell him that you felt he would enjoy the "humor" since that is what he does to you.

Then have the bullying talk. Maybe he will understand better.

Yes, I did know, but that really isn’t relevant. The thread isn’t “AIBU to dislike this wine?”.

But as I’ve said, it wasn’t meant as a gift. You make it sound as if I couldn’t possibly have given them something I did like, or that I know they like, as well.

What if I’d given them a bottle before I’d tried it? Would that have been acceptable to you?

For the tenth time, it wasn’t a bloody gift!! It was “Try this and see if you like it”.

@ScribblingPixie "Isn't it more appropriate to take them something you've tried yourself and loved?" But this assumes that just because you love something, the recipient is guaranteed to love it too, but we know this isn't true. Everyone has different tastes.

Start keeping a tally / count of how many times he makes the same joke. He knows you aren’t finding it funny but is continuing anyway and needs to be pulled up in it every time,
“making the same joke again, dad. That makes 7 now.”

What is wrong with people here today? Whether it was a gift or just something OP shared, somewhat humbly, with close family the polite thing to do was for her parents to pretend to like it and surreptitiously pour it out if they didn’t. This hostile teasing is never acceptable. Why do people bend over backwards to excuse mean behavior? It was just mean and rude to turn OP’s diffident offering into a joke snd imply she is stingy/mean/disrespectful for having shared the wine.

It's a bad form to give something you dislike as a present. You say it's not a present but you know they are into wine and you give them something you didn't like because it would be gathering dust in your house.

He is now having a little fun with it. Hope you learnt a lesson from this next time don't give your waste to others.

Op herself told her parents she didn't like it but had an extra bottle, when she knew they were into wines. Op was thoughtless, now father is taking the mickey.

Considering myself exceptionally lucky I have such laid back parents! I have returned items to my mum that she had gifted me because I hadn't used them for years and AFAIK she was fine with it. They were to a piece lovely things, but just not getting any use and our flat is too small to hold onto anything that doesn't get used. Alternative was charity shop so 🤷🏼‍♀️

OP, your dad sounds extremely tedious and a big baby for sulking when rightly put in his place. Don't bring them anything next time.

It was not a present.

How hard is that phrase to grasp?

I'm surprised how many people wouldn't offer unused or lightly used things they don't like to family and friends before just throwing them away. It seems such a waste. I wonder if it's an age thing? As in the older ones among us were raised not to waste things. My parents will offer me things they've tried and haven't liked (books most often!) and I the same with them. It wouldn't occur to me to think of it as rude.

We also share things we like, of course, but this is entirely separate.

You pissed him off, and he took it too far. Sounds like shit dynamics in the family. We have them, too. It's like a minefield.

I gave a book to a work friend that I hadn’t liked but she reads from that genre and thought she could give it a go before I got rid of it.

It isn’t a gift gift, and she fully understood the sentiment. It isn’t that hard to grasp.

It really isn't hard to grasp.

How is a brand-new unopened botte of not inexpensive wine "waste"? And why, when OP has made very clear the circumstances in which she brought the wine to her parents' home (for them to try on the off-chance they did like it) and that it was not a present, do you persist in saying it was?
Why is it some people on MN insist on rewriting an OP's narrative, based on no evidence whatsoever? Is it just to be mean?

This is ridiculous. What is so hard to understand about different people having different tastes?

I don’t like red wine. My dad does. Would it be “bad form” to buy him something he likes, just because I don’t?

This (your dad's behavior) is passive-aggressive bs and a typical male power grab. Lemme guess He's one of those "old-fashioned" males who thinks (even if he doesn't specifically express it) that women are basically at his beck and call, there to cater to his needs and ego. Continuously harping on something and then saying he's "just joking" is textbook gaslighting behavior, designed to make you feel off-kilter, that your feelings are invalid, and like you've done something wrong. And the sulking! Oy vey. It's a way that males hold power over women and force you/us to tip-toe around their precious feelings. He needs to get over himself. Maybe get some therapy to work through his deep-seated feeling of inadequacy and/or his need to feel superior to others. Sooooo easy for him to do this to his daughter (and probably wife), but I'm guessing not so much with his male peers. Sorry if I sound harsh, but I'm so sick of men's egos and their need for women to cater to them while they simultaneously act like we're "less than."

Oh, and regarding the wine, who gives af? You thought they might like it, expressed that to your parents, and, as you said, never offered it as a "gift" or whatever. Nothing wrong with thinking it might be to someone else's taste.

I’m starting to wonder what schools are teaching to have turned out so many allegedly functional adults who can’t comprehend simple sentences.

OP, your dad was being an arse.

Where I come from this is known as a joke with a jag.
in other words a device used by a bully or other abusive person to have a dig at someone while saying “but it was just a joke” when the person being got at finally snaps.
It’s rotten.

Yes! It's a form of abuse.

Right? The lack of reading comprehension here is astounding.

Confession: I gave my mum a candle I bought as a mystery scent, that I didn't like, as part of a gift. Hopefully she won't burn it when I go round.

Your father sounds exactly like my husband.
You can manage a half smirk, wry smile the first time, perhaps even the second, but by ‘joke’ number three you’ve had it!!