To think I did NOT give them a “present” of horrible wine!

[CherryShirt]

A few weeks ago I bought some wine (Royal Tokaji) on special offer, as it had really good reviews and it was a great discount. Well, the reviewers and I obviously had different tastes, as I really didn’t like it. I persevered through a large glass, as I know sometimes unfamiliar tastes can feel unpleasant until you get used to them, but I just didn’t like it.

This weekend I’ve been to visit my parents. They’re both into wine, so, as I had another bottle left, I took it with me to see if it would be more to their tastes. I explained that I hadn’t liked it, but thought they might like to give it a try; after all, it would just have sat gathering dust in my house.

My dad burst out laughing and said, “Oh, so you thought you come to visit and bring some horrible wine, did you? Ooh, what a lovely present. ‘Ooh, happy birthday - here’s some horrible wine!’” This is typical of the kind of “joke” he makes, so I just laughed and replied, “Well it’s not your birthday, is it? And it’s not a present - it’s not like I’ve deliberately bought something I think is awful. I just thought you might want to try it; maybe you’ll like it”.

Neither he or my mum liked it. Fine - it would have only got poured down the sink anyway, so it was worth (in my eyes) checking if they liked it before chucking it. My mum said she’d leave it in the fridge and would cook with it. All good - or so I thought.

My dad kept on about the wine ALL weekend. Every time he had anything to drink, it would be “This is nice - not like the horrible wine you brought us, because you don’t love us”, in this mock childish voice. I tried to ignore it the first night, as taking a joke and stretching it to breaking point is pretty much his MO. But he kept on and on about it. The next night at dinner it was, “Are we having nice wine tonight, or horrible wine?” My aunt phoned and I had a chat with her on my mum’s tablet; my dad peered over my shoulder and said, “Has she told you about the horrible wine?”

Today I’ve flipped. He mentioned it AGAIN and I snapped, “For God’s sake, will you shut up about the bloody wine!! I KNOW you didn’t like it; you’ve said it again and again. But it’s not like I deliberately bought something I thought you wouldn’t like and wrapped it up as a present. I just thought you might want to try it before I threw it out; THAT’S ALL!!”

Of course, now he’s sulking. He was only saying; why can’t I take a joke? And my mum is saying why am I letting it get to me, I know what he’s like etc… basically making it all about my reaction instead of him being an arse all weekend.

I’m sick to the back teeth of it. What sort of “joke” has to go on all weekend and make someone feel shit into the bargain? Why has he made me feel like I deliberately bought them a crappy gift? Frankly I feel like telling him to shove it (and buying him a fucking case of the stuff for Christmas).

YANBU

Your dad's 'joke' the first time was fine (a bit lame/tedious/predictable though but 'haha').

After that - he was being draining and tedious and...now he is sulking. Yep he sounds like he is capable of being really quite hard work, sorry OP.

"Keeping it to cook with" means they will drink it, OP.

It wasn't a cheap and nasty wine; it's just a dessert wine that you didn't particularly like. Your dad doesn't sound very nice.

Your dad's a passive aggressive, tedious, emasculated and deeply unfunny dickhead, obviously. So is mine. From bitter experience I'd spend a LOT less time and effort on him going forwards.

But I just read up about that type of wine and it's actually really fascinating how it's produced (and shame it went down the sink haha!)

https://www.tokajneum.com/en/about-tokaji/types-of-tokaji.html#:~:text=Tokaji%20Asz%C3%BA,processed%20to%20an%20Asz%C3%BA%20dough.

Your mother must be a bloody saint.

My DF is like this, and thinks he’s funny. Never knows when to drop things. You have my sympathy.

Im petty, and he’d be getting a bottle for every birthday and Christmas from now until eternity (not Tokaji though, we both like it, are you sure you didn’t get some from a bad batch?).

For those saying it’s a dessert wine, it more known for this, but there’s a drinking dry white wine too. Waitrose have a nice one. Tokaj is the region, rather than the style.

Many of us don’t seem to have the formal relationship with parents that you must. It seems odd to me that you would rather offer something expensive that will otherwise go to waste to strangers than your own family.

This wasn’t a host gift or presented as one, and OP has said that a host gift definitely wouldn’t be expected in her family.

This thread has just reminded me that my aunt used to give me her old knickers rather than throw them away if they were too small. She was a little eccentric...

😂😂😂 Brilliant! What's worse than getting a pair of socks for Christmas? One sock!

Agreed. Wine is very subjective so just because I don't like something doesn't mean that a friend or relative won't. It was a very silly reaction and especially to go on and on about it.

Is it formal to think it's nice to share things you love with family? I don't think so. And it sounds like the OP's dad might have preferred it too.

Thete is an excellent movie that features Tokay. Dean Spanley about death and reincarnation in Edwardian England. Really fun.

On the topic if the OPs father he us a very emotionally immature person and such people communicate emotions almost by contagion. His joke was hostile and a form of bullying/shaming and OP felt that. You can’t really explain it or argue for why that is true and some PP seem to have trouble grasping it because in their households it would perhaps be done in fun, or even become a lovely in joke. But OP felt (quite rightly) that her df was parodying her snd shaming her. So what might have been a mere joke elsewhere was really hurtful.

It eould have been best if he wasn’t this kind of jerk. Second best if your mother had pulled him up on it. Third best us citting him off, in a bored voice, and not arguing with him about what happened but just saying bluntly “leave comedy to comedians. Your jokes are beyond tedious.”

I think saying that'd be a better way to handle it! Obviously his terrible idea of bantz... play him at his own game!

This .

I can understand your irritation OP. Your dad certainly milked his jokes too far that weekend. But PLEASE let it go

Omigod, I would have punched him by now.
Has he - for some inexplicable reason - beeb eternally offended by your shit wine?

I wouldn't give someone a gift that I didn't like unless I knew for certain that the person would definitely like it. It seems a bit cheapskate to me.

However it does sound as though he has definitely pushed the boundaries.

Maybe it's an age thing, I know someone like this...." oh, it's just a joke, can't you take a joke?" everything they re-tell a story that embarrasses or be-littles someone.
My friend uses this response, which shuts them up...
" it's only a joke if both people laugh"

What? Where on earth are you getting the idea that OP or I don’t share things we love with our families?

These things aren’t mutually exclusive.

Oh Lord, I cant stand people who go on and on about one stupid thing as a "joke". I think I'd have said to him "dad, you've mentioned this about 8 times now- is your memory ok?- do you think you need to make a GP appointment, I'm getting a bit concerned"

See how he bloody likes it.

@SantoriniSunrise
How is it "cheapskate"? From what others who are familiar with the wine have said, it's not a cheap wine. Essentially, what OP was doing, having bought a wine that gets great reviews (including from some posters on here) but she didn't like, was taking the other bottle for her parents to try - she was obviously thinking "it might just be me". If they'd loved it, would she still have been a "cheapskate" in your mind?

Play him at his own game.

Next time, take a bottle of red wine vinegar, perhaps in a lovely wine gift bag

'Here you go Dad another bottle of 'horrible wine' ha ha

He can only tease you as long as you are getting wound up

Meet him on his level.

I totally get where you're coming from OP and this would bug me too. I can't stand people who take a joke too far and then turn it on you and excuse it as "banter". It's so bloody childish. If he's been like this your whole life I don't know how you haven't lost your rag with him sooner. Time for him to grow the f* up.

@CherryShirt Your father is a bully who thinks he can disguise by calling it "joking". It isn't a joke and it isn't funny. Someday, when you have had right enough, I'd call him out on it. Tell him he is being a bully and calling something "a joke" doesn't make it a joke, when it hurts the person who is the brunt of it.

As for your mother saying, "you know how he is" or "he has always been this way" or any other claptrap, inform her that the adage, "you can't teach an old dog new tricks" is wrong and if he wants to continue acting like an ass, he will start being treated as one, or he can learn a "new trick" and stop making himself feel superior by bullying others.

YANBU. Your father was extremely bad mannered. One joke, maybe 2 would've been more than enough. I've found men to be particularly fond of doing this to women and it is without doubt a form of bullying. Even my late DH (who was generally a nice man) really distressed me once. I'd misheard/misunderstood something on the radio and repeated it to him. Shortly after I discovered my mistake and told him. It wasn't anything important or anything that affected us personally, but he brought the subject up in a jokey manner for 3 days, even in front of neighbours. I wouldn't have dreamt of doing that to anyone.

Great empathetic post - you really get it. 🤗