To send a child to preschool FT although I work PT?

[darkwetevening]

Feeling a bit torn at the moment and struggling to know what’s best to do.

I have a child who is four in December and a child who is fifteen months. There is absolutely loads on round us to the point the baby / toddler market is a bit saturated. There are a couple of things that I could do with just my older one but I can’t take the younger one as well.

I am considering just having him FT in preschool. At the moment he does two days in a private nursery while I work and two days in a local preschool (9-3.) I work on one of these days but it’s more flexible so I can drop off and pick up.

I don’t want him to feel pushed out and I do worry about this, I do feel like I’m constantly telling him off and most of his interactions with me feel quite negative. I do love him but it’s not an easy relationship; never has been. And I’m worried full time at preschool will exacerbate this. Equally I worry being with me does more harm than good.

Could you arrange it so you had one full day with the older one only and one full day with the younger one only?

Your post comes across a bit negative towards the younger one although I guess that's not the reality.

I didn't have two to juggle, for which I am very grateful. I can see that it must get tricky at times.

@Createausername1970 I can’t. I can’t afford it. The preschool only take them from aged 2, and she isn’t two until July so can’t go until September 2025 by which point DC1 will be at school.

I'm not sure that I understand your post fully. Your youngest is in childcare of some form 5 days a week at present - two full days and two days school hours? You only work for one of those 4 days? And you want to increase the hours to 5 days a week?

I'm not sure if I've understood correctly? If I have, well it's up to you but I wouldn't do it personally if I could avoid it. It can be hard work with two little ones of course. I used to mostly take mine to church playgroups and things at those sorts of ages. It helped though that one of DC1's friends from nursery was often around too as her mother was also on mat leave and then working PT at a similar time to me so we often did things with them so the older two played together. I never really did any activities that were only suitable for the eldest, apart from swimming lessons, but DH took them on a weekend to that.

Not quite @LegoHouse274 . It is confusing; sorry.

I work Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday.

DC1 goes to preschool Monday while I work but can do pick up and drop offs. Dc2 goes to private nursery.

They both go to private nursery Tuesday and Wednesday.

DC1 goes to preschool 9-3 Thursday.

then they both have Friday off with me.

The church playgroups are very uninspiring round here and honestly not suitable for a nearly school age child. There are a couple of things on but the younger one can’t access them. So feel a bit stuck!

Actually, I am confused. Are you talking about putting the younger one in FT child care oor the older one?

Either way, it seems a bit unfair.

Older one. It does feel unfair but I am struggling. The day with them both is so stressful and I hate it. The day with just the younger one is so lovely and chilled. And I absolutely hate that fact but it is.

I don't think you need to worry that spending time with your child does more harm than good! Spending time together will be good for your child.

If the classes/activities don't work for both of them, don't do a class/activity that day. It's fine to have a day either at home/seeing friends/a day out.

But, if it's really hard with both of them then it's also fine to put the older one into full time preschool. There are lots of four year olds who are in reception this year and doing full time and completely fine.

Don't beat yourself up either way.

4 year old boys have a testosterone boost and can be quite a handful. On your Fridays together need to take them to a woodland or park to get rid of energy. Then home and he can 'help' with physical jobs

If its a difficult relationship how will spending less time fix it ? I don't understand what difficult relationship means as regards a toddler can you explain a bit , is it that you are concerned older child is feeling neglected because they probably aren't really . It's an adjustment going from one to 2 it can feel like you are trying to divide yourself evenly and failing all the time .

Just read this update , makes more sense now

Do what works for you. Mine go to the nursery of a private school and whilst they can start part time on 5 mornings they expect them to build up and insist that by the summer term they pretty much go full time- they can have 1 fixed afternoon off each week. I’m sure part of it is wanting the money but they say it’s about prep for school. It might actually be better for your relationship if you’re struggling with both together and they get a lot out of nursery and being with friends once they’re 4. Then if you have DH/DP home at weekends make a point of him taking the younger for a few hours so you can do a nice activity with just the eldest.

Ah, I see. As they have both been in child care all week, what is wrong with a day at home playing with their toys? They don't HAVE to be taken out at every opportunity. My lad would have self combusted without down time.

Edited to say just read your update, you can't cope with the one day they are together.

do what’s best for you, you’re allowed to make things easier for yourself. The relationship will get better I’m sure, it’s probably just a stage. We all have ages we struggle with with children I think xx

@Halfemptyhalfling yeah … this is what’s proving challenging. I do do those sorts of things quite a lot with them both but as the weather turns that’s harder to do because I can’t just shove the younger one into a pushchair all day and expect her to be OK with this. She isn’t OK, and she lets you know she isn’t OK, mostly by screaming and climbing out of the pushchair! It’s fine for an hour or so but I could never eke an entire day from it. And she needs to nap (no, she doesn’t nap in the pushchair and she definitely won’t when she’s either soaked or under a rain cover (that never stays on so you spend the entire time shivering freezing and adjusting a rain cover for a tantrumming toddler!) It is OK when the weathers good but even then it’s only an hour or two, not all day.

@Member984815 i am talking about my older child. It’s always been a difficult relationship. He’s … in your face, boisterous, physical, quick to anger. He has many great qualities but i often feel all I do is tell him off

all they’d do would be fight and me telling the older one off … it would definitely be preferable to have a day in preschool in that instance I think.

Can’t cope … no. I can cope and do cope but it isn’t enjoyable or easy to be honest.

You need to get rid of his energy. Be it park, soft play or trampolining. They need to be treated like dogs. Exercised regulary. My daughter was very high energy and we went to the park every bloody day. He isn't going to want a chilled out day at his age. I sympathise though as I really didn't want to go out all the time.

Does he like going to preschool and would he be happy with another day there? I think that is the answer to your question. He might prefer to be with the other kids and have lots of different activities on offer at that age, but I'd go by what he'd want, if he doesn't want to go another day then he might feel pushed out.

Honestly I think you need to be spending more 1 on 1 time with the older one rather than non. You need to address your relationship with him.

This is going to really impact your relationship with him as he grows and his relationship ship with his sibling.

Honestly don’t think twice about it. I work four days and toddler is in nursery those days. I am just about to put my toddler in nursery for the fifth day so I can have that day to myself instead of spending it one-on-one with him.

I do not enjoy having him by myself at all right now. It’s better for both of us that the time we do have together is positive, and that I’m not resenting it. We have a great time together when my partner is there, but I just can’t handle this stage alone. He loves nursery too.

Don’t worry about him realising baby has a day with you. IMO at those ages the gap is such that they don’t expect identical treatment. He’ll be at school soon anyway, while baby will be at home/nursery. He’s a big boy, baby is a baby, it’s fine.

He gets out and about plenty; they both do, I promise. I’m not a lazy or neglectful parent. A big part of this is literally finding things they can both do and I am finding I’m dragging the older one to things for the younger one on that Friday.

He does swimming lessons, football, cycling … he does a lot.

@Gladicalled i don’t have anyone to have the younger one. I do his bath and bed every night nearly and swimming.

He does enjoy preschool but if I’m honest he’d probably prefer a day with me.

How much one on one time does he get with you at weekends?

People on here will try to make you feel bad about it, but they’ll try to make you feel bad about literally anything. It’s your life not theirs so do what’s right for you.

It depends is the answer to that because obviously not every weekend is the same. We do go swimming on a Saturday morning. Ideally I’d do that in the week. But i obviously can’t with the little one. When she’s the age he is I can and this does make me feel bad. Obviously that isn’t really anyone’s fault but I do feel a bit like he gets the short end of the stick.

He isn’t terrible or anything just so so many low level annoying sort of behaviours that really build up.

Of course you’re not, for some reason people like to pretend parents don’t have needs and putting children first every single time definitely won’t lead to parental burnout. It’s also fine to not always have an easy relationship with your kid, with time it often sorts itself out.