To send a child to preschool FT although I work PT?

[darkwetevening]

Feeling a bit torn at the moment and struggling to know what’s best to do.

I have a child who is four in December and a child who is fifteen months. There is absolutely loads on round us to the point the baby / toddler market is a bit saturated. There are a couple of things that I could do with just my older one but I can’t take the younger one as well.

I am considering just having him FT in preschool. At the moment he does two days in a private nursery while I work and two days in a local preschool (9-3.) I work on one of these days but it’s more flexible so I can drop off and pick up.

I don’t want him to feel pushed out and I do worry about this, I do feel like I’m constantly telling him off and most of his interactions with me feel quite negative. I do love him but it’s not an easy relationship; never has been. And I’m worried full time at preschool will exacerbate this. Equally I worry being with me does more harm than good.

Posts like that just make me groan @sunshine244 . No, I’m not farting around with lists and making going to the shops a fun activity, I’d far rather and my sanity would be far more intact paying a few pounds and going to soft play!

So you can sit on your phone whilst your kid plays without you? Might as well pay for preschool then if you don't want to parent more than three hours a day.

How it is the only day she has with him?

One minute I’m being told off because I do too many organised activities and the next I’m being told off because I’m apparently on my phone!

They completely, trust me, just because I don’t turn going to the shops into a Topsy and Tim episode doesn’t mean I’m not parenting.

Some people have no choice but to do that. Just do what you want. Your kid isn't going to suffer going to preschool an extra day I think they'll benefit. Just own it and don't feel you have to defend your choices

So mine are now 19 and 17 but I remember those days well - I'd say relax all your expectations- 3/4 year olds are a handful at the best of times:)
I'd try and zone your day into 3 so a morning activity, lunch and nap - and spend some 1:1 time with the eldest and then something in the afternoon- I found the simplest things easiest - so not just the park but a walk - the eldest charging around like a loon and the youngest watching from her buggy - or a park (still have flashbacks from the eldest launching themselves from a fireman's pole designed for older kids) and I made some lovely friends in the park over the winter with other mums struggling the same - and pairing up - one with the younger ones the other parent trying to stop the older two damaging themselves. We also did play dates too - but being in the park was where we met!
It's bloody hard and I hear you on that (I was also having a very difficult time in my life too - awful) but we survived somehow - I think places like national trust walks when the leaves have dropped was a saviour plus taking a flask of coffee for me, but I can remember the long dark afternoons from 4-6 waiting for my other half to get home so I could have a break - I think I used to do early play baths to kill
Some
Time, before dinner in PJs, kitchen discos, picky tea picnics that they helped make etc and we also had a big garden so they were out there a lot 1 sand pits in the snow, ride on toys etc - it's exhausting

I’m making an assumption that weekends have 2 parents (I realise I shouldn’t assume) so the dynamic is different. I know the young stages are hard but I think it’s sad she hasn’t fully bonded and think hiding the issue will set them up for trickier times ahead. Just my opinion.

I am not 100% sure what you mean by pre-school full time (as in 8 til 6 for 5 days a week, or 9-3 5 days a week)

But I personally think children quite like routine. My eldest was a high energy child and he got in better with more nursery, not less and doing the same everyday day.

Like you, we had 13 hour days which felt very long sometimes. I did actually enjoy making a list, shopping and cooking as pp suggested. It was one of our go to ideas but there was still hours to fill around it. He wasn't great at independent play but I dont think it was my parenting, it's just how he was. Even now he has 3 jobs on top of his A levels. He us like a dynamo

I can't comment about your feelings about the birth. Or him feeling pushed out. That's very personal.

But if you have less time and it's much nicer time it could be positive way to build relations. If a lovely bathtime became your thing for instance. Lots of dad's parent like this.

@Frowningprovidence i have already given the timings. Preschool is only 9-3, no wraparound, which is why I can’t use it on days I work (except for that one Monday.)

I am not looking for advice on how to parent or on activities to fill these days. I am just wondering how best to address the problem with having two children with different needs and different interests. I realise some people have no choice, I realise some children are stuck inside all day every day except the one weekly activity which is going to the shops - but mine just aren’t like that.

My kids have never been chilled but you can’t choose what you get. My eldest is a September baby so was basically 5 when he went to school and I had Fridays with both kids. It was mayhem but we went for long walks, national trust places, the zoo etc - outside and occupied was my motto 😂

would it have been easier to have the eldest in preschool the whole time? Yes. But my thinking was there is never going to be another time when I get a day a week of with my eldest and I was going to make the most of it

I thought I was answering you question on whether to send your ds to preschool full time by giving my own personal experience that my ds got on better full time than part time so it was a good idea to send your child. And I was agreeing with you that even if you did enjoy it, going to the shops doesn't fill whole day because some children need more than that anyway.

I'm not even sure I gave parenting advice? I was just trying to counter the view that more nursery/preschool would mean worse relationship by saying it could improve relations and have an example of how.

I wasn’t just answering to your post @Frowningprovidence , it was the general ‘do this’ sort of ones I was replying to. There is one above yours ‘outside and occupied.’ Yes great. Except my younger child can’t walk and hates the pushchair so that limits options considerably.

But she still gets evenings and weekends even if there's another parent there.

And again, it goes back to it only mattering that mothers have a full day with their child. Where’s all this sadness and judgement for fathers who rarely give up a day or two of work to be with their children?

I sent my children to pre-school for 15 hours a week despite being a SAHM. I wanted them to get their socialisation skills in. They went from the age of 2/3. It meant that when they went to school, they already had the confidence to go

I personally don’t think full time, 5 days a week is ideal. If you have to work that’s one thing but the mum is struggling with her bond. I don’t think sending him away more will fix that longer term. But, as I say, just my opinion.

So you are struggling with coping with your children but don't want suggestions for activities that might occupy both children of those particular ages??? You've had loads of good ideas that you've knocked back out of principle.

Believe it or not you're not the first parent to have that age gap - mine were the same and we were outdoors hours each day not matter what the weather was.

I think the point is more that the parent who has chosen to be the stay at home parent is not coping with it. Perhaps it would be better to review the situation if looking after both children for one day is too hard.

That could, for example, mean the Dad trying to work part-time instead and the Mum doing more working days. Or perhaps the Mum getting some support from health visitor.

Which is exactly what OP is doing including considering preschool for that day.

@sunshine244 I’m not posting looking for suggestions, that’s correct. It isn’t about knocking them back out of principle; I am very sorry if you think that. But most fixate a bit on being out and about all day in all weathers and you can’t do that with a fifteen month old non walker. She gets fed up in her pushchair and she doesn’t nap in it either.

I am posting because I am very tired, run down, have a cough / cold I can’t seem to get rid of, struggling to keep on top of housework and work related to my job and am wondering how I can lessen my load. One obvious way iS to up DS’s time in preschool but I am very mindful of our history if you like so asked on here about that - not about what to do because and I am sorry if this offends MN suggestions for what to do with children are almost always both strange and dull.

It's only 6 hours extra to what he does already. And next year he will be at school full time anyway. Its better if she not spending her day off feeling trapped and unhappy. That certainly won't create a bond

Can you not just give it a go and see if it helps or do you get tied in.

OP, I am sorry you are getting a hard time here.
I remember those days well, 2yr age gap with an older boy with plenty of energy! No way could we stay at home all day. I remember each hour was a unit of time I had to "get through".

You haven't mentioned a partner or family? Sorry if I missed it.
At that time I only worked 2 days a week but my DS went to nursery for 3 days because it was just too much having him home all the time. My mum would come over one of the days I had both children at home to help me so that I could do separate groups with each of them - eg take DS swimming and DD to Toddlersense.

I definitely felt my relationship with DS suffered and would try to get 1 on 1 time with him at weekends whilst my DH had the little one.
You know your family and what is right for you all. If you need a bit more time, even for a few weeks then take it.

@Fleurchamp to be honest it’s a relief it isn’t just me. I do have a DH but we don’t see much of him during the week. No famiky. So that makes it harder still.