To send a child to preschool FT although I work PT?

[darkwetevening]

Feeling a bit torn at the moment and struggling to know what’s best to do.

I have a child who is four in December and a child who is fifteen months. There is absolutely loads on round us to the point the baby / toddler market is a bit saturated. There are a couple of things that I could do with just my older one but I can’t take the younger one as well.

I am considering just having him FT in preschool. At the moment he does two days in a private nursery while I work and two days in a local preschool (9-3.) I work on one of these days but it’s more flexible so I can drop off and pick up.

I don’t want him to feel pushed out and I do worry about this, I do feel like I’m constantly telling him off and most of his interactions with me feel quite negative. I do love him but it’s not an easy relationship; never has been. And I’m worried full time at preschool will exacerbate this. Equally I worry being with me does more harm than good.

Thanks for that kind response. I do feel burned out: work is so challenging (I was up with DD last night googling other careers 😂) and it’s having a knock on effect with everything.

I love him dearly but I’m trying to be honest here as it’s anonymous and I am aware there’s this sort of gulf or disconnect there which stems right back to birth.

But he needs you telling him off and setting boundaries or you’ll not get control of his behaviour expecting nursery/preschool to sort it for you.

sorry but you are talking about one day a week and it’s the only day you have with him. He’s been to activities all week so a day without a group is good for him otherwise how will he learn downtime? I’m not saying it isn’t tough but this is the age of sticker charts and rewards with strict behaviour boundaries and that day is your day to build that. Rather than pre school, look at a new approach for Fridays at home.

There's three years between mine but I did manage to find stuff that both would enjoy at that age as I had them both at home two days a week. Even the church stuff that just had toys around, DD1 would enjoy playing with it or helping out with the babies, getting a snack, bringing some colouring to do, etc. She really loved sign language class too, even when she was the oldest there, and again liked to be the 'big girl' helping out the smaller kids. She didn't start school till 5.5 so she was coming with me and DD2 to stuff till then and I never struggled to find stuff to suit both of them and we are in a village.

I'd be surprised if in a saturated market of baby and toddler groups there's really nothing that a 4yo and a 15mo would both find entertaining ! They are both just little kids who like to play with toys, really.

@darkwetevening - I think it would be a mistake. You need to make adjustments to how you relate to your older child. You’re his mother. If the relationship is fractured, it’s on you to fix it, not entrench the alienation by sending him to school. You sound as if the disconnect is unresolvable. It isn’t but you need to do something about it. He probably senses it too and some of his acting up may well result from a feeling that you don’t like him. It’s very damaging for DCs if they don’t feel loved. This is something you need to fix. Read some parenting books or do some parenting classes but don’t let this fester because you’ll have much bigger problems down the line if you do.

If you’re telling him off all the time, it’s because you’re expecting too much of him. Your younger child is at an age which is tricky for your 4 yo to accommodate. I get that because we had the same age gap and it’s tricky at that age because the younger one is starting to go about under their own steam, show an interest in the older one’s toys etc. We had one day a week together like you do and I quickly realised my mistake was that I was trying to do too much with big outings etc and it wasn’t necessary.

But your older one is still very young and little; he just seems big in comparison with your younger child.

As PPs have suggested, have a quieter day at home but give your older lad at least one chance to burn off some energy by racing round the local park etc.

I have a smaller age gap and definitely get it has it's challenges. But your eldest will be at school before you know it. Those long lazy days of deciding to let a 10 min walk to collect conkers take two hours if they're happy will soon be gone. Don't pack him off.

Can you stop and pause and reflect on what the challenges are and where they're coming from in the relationship? Is it about the relationship? Other pressures? Sometimes it's hard to parent well if other things are taking up your spoons.

Low level annoying behaviour in a 4yo is totally the norm tbh OP.

Your comments about work stress and how your relationship with your eldest has difficulties dating back to birth suggest to me that you may benefit from other changes in your life tbh that aren't anything to do with your eldest but may make your quality of life better. Such as changing something work wise, and/or talking therapy of some sort.

4 and 15 months definitely is a tough set of ages as the youngest isn't old enough to play well with the eldest yet. My DC2 couldn't walk until they were 21 months which made stuff difficult for us in a way that I hadn't anticipated as well (as DC1 had been walking at 16 months). Does your eldest have any friends at nursery that you could make contact with their parents, some of them may be off on a Friday and also have younger siblings? You could do some play dates together? Soft plays might be a good option too depending on how independent your kids will be there?

Do you have mum friends you could meet up with on a Friday? I always found this helped. We'd usually just go to softplay on a Friday morning to let the kids burn off their energy and then home while the youngest naps and you get some chill time with the eldest- even if it's just snuggling on the sofa watching a film. when the weather was nice we'd go to parks or for a walk in the forest/ feed the ducks and then maybe a visit to the library.

@TeenLifeMum he does, I agree. But he isn’t some sort of horrible awful child. It’s just horribly easy to get into the rhythm of no, no leave that alone, give it back to her, get off there, don’t do that.

This morning for instance, I was playing with their paw patrol tower with them, DD was enjoying watching the vehicles roll down it and doing it herself. Then DS found a spinny windmill thing that lights up (I’ve no idea what they are called!) that we bought them at a Peppa Pig theatre production we went to months ago and was holding it near my face and my hair got tangled in it. So I yelped and untangled my hair and then he comes at me AGAIN with it; I ended up practically shoving him off me. And it’s so irritating. He doesn’t mean any harm and I know full well it’s an attention thing and this is where he’s much much better out and about as you can say how brilliant he is on his scooter, wow, that was a good jump, amazing balance there DS … But I can’t (and don’t want to be) out of the house all day!

I have always found this a bit with DS, that you can’t have chilled days at home with him as he just starts destroying things! With DD you can, she’ll happily potter around playing with toys and watching a bit of ms Rachel. It’s hard to say if they are different children or I’m a different parent.

I don’t @rocketgal , I have got mum friends but no one who doesn’t work that day and wants to regularly meet up. I find arranging meet ups impossible! I think this is why I do enjoy the baby / toddler groups (and DD does too) but ds has outgrown them and is just too boisterous now.

@darkwetevening I totally get the playgroup thing, my DD used to love going until all of a sudden she declared she was too old and it was too babyish and that was that! It's a long day with 2 little ones on your own, it definitely helps to have someone in tow to have a bit of adult conversation with- do you have GPs nearby who could tag along for a bit of company? Or sometimes the soft plays run classes in the mornings so you might meet someone there? We also have a class near us where it's basically soft play and bouncy castles in a big hall that's good for different ages and you get pre schoolers and little ones there and lots of mums to talk to. Are you on any of the local mum groups on FB? Might be worth doing a shout out on there to ask for any ideas

And it's not PC to say but I also had same experience with DD and DS. She would happily potter about at home doing colouring or just playing 'easily' whereas DS was always harder work and probably after a week of juggling work it's much 'easier' to have DD around. But what I would say is that soon he'll be at school full time and you'll never get the time back so if you can, I'd try to find something that works for both of them so you don't miss out on that time with him

“I have always found this a bit with DS, that you can’t have chilled days at home with him as he just starts destroying things! With DD you can, she’ll happily potter around playing with toys and watching a bit of ms Rachel. It’s hard to say if they are different children or I’m a different parent.”

@darkwetevening - your DD is still very young.

My experience is you can’t really have chilled days at home with tiny DCs. Not the whole day anyway. I think your expectations have been a bit unrealistic.

And this is just one day a week with the two of them. You say yourself that you’ve got into a habit of just telling him off and saying no. That’s easy to do. But you need to fix that - it’s easy enough to fix (I had to do it myself). You’re the parent here. If things are wrong in the relationship it’s on you to fix them. And fix them now while these are small problems because they will only get worse as your DC gets older, if they feel
unloved (and your DA will be able to sense a difference between words and true warmth).

Have you read How To Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk?

I agree you can’t have chilled days at home, but there are posts on here saying to just have a chilled day at home with them - it’s that I was responding to!

So on Thursdays (when DS is at preschool and DD isn’t) the day goes like this - we are who and have breakfast and they play a bit while I get showered and dressed and then they are washed, dressed, teeth brushed etc, a bit more play as I clear up from breakfast, then we take DS to preschool for 9. Go to a group with DD, come home for 11, a bit of lunch for her and then she will usually sleep from about 11-30 to about 1, half one if I’m lucky. So only around an hour or so then and more play or books or whatever and then get DS from preschool.

The day I have with them both is more of an endurance test 😂

I probably won’t change anything. I just am trying to keep my sanity this year!

I’ve read it yes - I hate that book, sorry, it just wasn’t remotely realistic or pragmatic in terms of ‘real’ three / four year olds (and yes I did read the little kids one.) I know a lot of people like it though.

If anything I’d put your younger one in for an extra day (so 4 days each) and spend the whole day solo with your oldest.

or put them both in for a half day and have half a day to yourself if feeling frazzled

I tried sending dd1 to preschool on a Friday morning while I took dd2 to a music class. DD1 always looked so sad, she was fine the days I was working but she clearly felt she was missing out on that Friday.

After a term I changed my mind, cancelled the music class and we had days out on Fridays that we wouldn't be able to do once dd1 started school, making the most of places being quiet in term time. I'm really glad I did it, we had some great days, obviously we had some shit days as well but I have forgotten those now!

I can’t afford that @TemuSpecialBuy

Half days just don’t work. Most of the ‘nice’ stuff at nursery is in the mornings and it just disrupts the whole flow of the day if you do afternoons but it’s the afternoons I find most challenging!

We probably can do more in terms of days out in a few months, especially once DD starts walking and once the weather is better. We did have some lovely days when I was on maternity leave last year. I guess I’m just selfishly thinking of me here and thinking how I can hold onto my job, keep the house in some sort of order, raise two young children and not lose my mind!

So many people find this stage really hard.

I definitely did and it was only a day a week that I had them both.

If I could go back in time, I would say to myself - just don't put yourself through it, use more childcare and also put the telly on a bit more and stop stressing about screen time.

I often think when you have just one day off with both kids, you feel like you have to make the most of it, whereas I suspect for SAHMs, it's just life and they approach it in a more relaxed way.

However, given what you say about your relationship with the older one, I actually would consider going the other way and putting the younger one in childcare on the Friday and focusing on the older one that day. You then have a day each 1-1 with both children and I think you might find it benefits your relationship

I can’t afford to put her in childcare for that day. Private nurseries are expensive but the local preschool is cheap; it only takes them from two though, by which point dc1 will be in school anyway.

I don’t think we exactly have a bad relationship, but I am very aware he gets pushed out and ignored more than I’d like. I try my best, I guess that’s all any of us can do.

@darkwetevening - my DCs are real too, believe me, and I found it helpful. It doesn’t create instant obedience but it creates helpful communication habits and by your own admission you need them. It’s interesting how quick you are to dismiss constructive ways of responding to your child.

A day with two small children is often a bit of an endurance test. That’s why having small DCs is so demanding. I’m not saying you’re wrong to feel exhausted and to find it all a bit thankless. Most of us do.

Perhaps i’ve missed it but you don’t seem to be planning to address how you relate to your son or your disconnect with him and that’s a real shame. I’m not a perfect parent - far from it - and now my DDs are late teens, there are a few things I hugely wish I’d done differently. Especially around being stressed out and a lack of patience with them. I can see ways in which this has impacted on them as they go out into the world. I think they are more anxious than they would otherwise be. However, I have always felt bonded with them and that connection remains very strong.

No parent is perfect but creating and maintaining a loving bond with your child is a must. You chose to have him; he didn’t choose to be born. So this is on you.

It’s hard to imagine now but your DS will grow up more quickly than you know it and you truly will regret not fixing this disconnect (if you don’t fix it) because it will translate into more serious problems as your DC gets older. You’re not doing your best if you allow it to fester.

PS - I know I’m going on and on and lecturing you. I’m sorry for that. I’m speaking as a mother who has some pain and regret around certain things I did and didn’t do when my DCs were younger. If you don’t fix the disconnect, that is a thing you will regret.

I am sure you do your best, it is really hard at these ages.

I remember feeling so wrung out at the end of a day with mine at that age

@Dery i did say I know a lot of people find it helpful; I am not one of them. That is in no way suggesting your DC aren’t real!

That post was very from the pulpit as it were and I have to admit it hasn’t helped me, it’s annoyed me. I’m being honest here in a way I’m not in RL. I do spend most of my life trying to keep them both happy and in the process massively struggling myself, I dare to admit I’m considering an extra day in preschool and it’s absolutely fine to say ‘probably not, I wouldn’t’ but don’t lecture me and tell me what I ‘must’ do. I can guarantee I’m already doing it.

@darkwetevening - yes, sorry: I know i’m lecturing. And you’re right I have no right to tell you what you must do. I have probably overreacted to what you said about feeling disconnected from your DC. Sorry again. I will get off your thread so you can focus on the replies which you’re finding more helpful.

I did find those two days with them both hard, by the end of the second day I was definitely spent physically and mentally! But now DD1 is at school and it's just me and DD2, I am glad we did have them, as I know it was important for both of them in different ways. And I feel like I don't have to feel guilty about it, not that I should have felt guilty if I did put DD1 into nursery two days but I know I would have.

So I do get it. It's hard and it's tiring and it was absolutely not all magical making memories for me, but I think it was for them (or at least having experiences together).

Look I think it’s fine he’s almost school age anyway but I think you need to work on changing your feelings towards your 4 year old. Already he is difficult and the relationship is “challenging” while the time you spend with your 15 month old is “lovely”. Kids aren’t daft. They know when parents have a favourite.