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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To send a child to preschool FT although I work PT?

124 replies

darkwetevening · 13/10/2024 10:12

Feeling a bit torn at the moment and struggling to know what’s best to do.

I have a child who is four in December and a child who is fifteen months. There is absolutely loads on round us to the point the baby / toddler market is a bit saturated. There are a couple of things that I could do with just my older one but I can’t take the younger one as well.

I am considering just having him FT in preschool. At the moment he does two days in a private nursery while I work and two days in a local preschool (9-3.) I work on one of these days but it’s more flexible so I can drop off and pick up.

I don’t want him to feel pushed out and I do worry about this, I do feel like I’m constantly telling him off and most of his interactions with me feel quite negative. I do love him but it’s not an easy relationship; never has been. And I’m worried full time at preschool will exacerbate this. Equally I worry being with me does more harm than good.

OP posts:

ahemfem · 13/10/2024 13:58

Do it! See if you can pick up another days work? The eldest will be at school soon enough so it's good for them to get into the routine

YourLastNerve · 13/10/2024 13:59

Does he play well with peers? Turning 4 was when my DS really got into wanting friends to play with, properly. He got friendly with two kids at his preschool & now 4 years later they are still best friends.

With a younger DC I'd say they do need that time with a parent at home but actually at 4, lots are starting to want other kids to play with more and are bored at home. In that situation i don't think the extra session at preschool is a bad idea. Make sure he gets some nice time with you in the afterschool chunk of time.

Original poster

darkwetevening · 13/10/2024 14:00

Yeah, he does enjoy playing with his friends. And it’s only six hours. I don’t know. I’m playing it by ear a bit just at the moment. The main thing is that they are both happy and content.

OP posts:

Caterina99 · 13/10/2024 14:02

I didn’t quite follow your post OP - but are you talking about putting your nearly 4 year old in preschool (ie 9-3ish) on a Friday so that he’s effectively in childcare 5 days a week? That seems pretty reasonable to me. I assume preschool is term time only, and you could always not send him or take him home early if you want to do something specific on that day.

Will he start school next year?

I think if you have a great routine and friends and everyone’s enjoying the Fridays together then that’s one thing - but clearly you’re not! If he likes preschool then I’d send him the extra day for sure.

YourLastNerve · 13/10/2024 14:03

A big part of this is literally finding things they can both do and I am finding I’m dragging the older one to things for the younger one on that Friday.

See I'd flip this
The younger ones needs are much more basic - they get loads from simply being with you, around people, hearing conversation, watching you/sibling interact with other people etc. I'd focus more on finding activities that occupy your older child well, rather than having a bored 4 year old at a toddler activity.

Original poster

darkwetevening · 13/10/2024 14:04

The problem is @YourLastNerve things like swimming lessons or forest schools I can’t take DD too! And they are the only available things he’d enjoy. There’s soft play etc of course but we do those afternoons mainly.

@Caterina99 thats correct.

OP posts:

YourLastNerve · 13/10/2024 14:09

These sound like constant scheduled activities.

Do you have good toys for open ended play at home? Can you invite another child for a play, get a big box of duplo out and let him play with a friend? Or arrange to meet others & their DC at parks/for walks?

You can take a 15 mo swimming. Sign elder up for class while you swim with youngest? Or take both swimming yourself? I never did lessons with mine until old enough to go in without me. Can eldest swim with armbands? I just used to take my two myself.

exprecis · 13/10/2024 14:09

YourLastNerve · 13/10/2024 14:03

A big part of this is literally finding things they can both do and I am finding I’m dragging the older one to things for the younger one on that Friday.

There's a lot less around for 3-4 year olds than there used to be. I think so many people are using the free 30 hours, it just isn't worth putting on stuff for this age group

Peskydahlias · 13/10/2024 14:09

I get it. I have a nearly 4 year old and a 15 month old. The older one was born in COVID lockdown, I found the whole thing difficult and he was an extremely difficult baby. He's great (intelligent, he can do so many things for his age), but very high energy and has a lot of tantrums. All age appropriate stuff but my younger one is really different even accounting for age, just much more chill. Last year eldest went to nursery 3 days and was with me for two. I found it difficult but it was basically fine as we just did activities for him and I put the baby in a sling or whatever. This year I am working 4 days and they are both in nursery 4 days and with my parents one day. I am off on my own and do housework and cram my own life into half a day..... We spend all day Saturday and Sunday with them and have long holidays as we are both teachers. I feel that everyone is happier this year. I would like to just be off with my youngest on my day off, but our nursery has a 4 day minimum and my parents want to look after them both. I don't want both of them as it's such hard work on your own all day when the other days of the week are in a full on demanding job and the activities for both of them are now very few and far between. Youngest is walking and won't be restrained. Eldest needs structured stuff like gym, swimming lessons. Can fully ride a bike so you need to run alongside him, hasn't been happy at a stay and play for about 18 months. They are both happy at a playground but you can't do this for 6 hours a day when it's cold and raining and the younger one only naps in a cot or the car. Their needs are quite different and these are best met with two adults around or at nursery! I feel guilty that the younger one doesn't have the time with me the elder one did but mostly trying to keep the show on the road and stay sane!

If you struggle to bond with the elder one though I do agree with others maybe that carving out one on one time with him might be what you need. My eldest is angelic when he's with one adult, it's when his brother turns up that he goes a bit wild.... I have to constantly be aware that it's not his fault I found him incredibly difficult as a baby and think about all his positive qualities (which are many).

YourLastNerve · 13/10/2024 14:10

Also montessori type stuff works well. Can you get him helping cook? I found this a great way to get mine busy at this age.

Upside is he's really confident with food prep now later on and can cook quite a few things from scratch.

Original poster

darkwetevening · 13/10/2024 14:11

I know I’m being grouchy but I’m so not in the fucking mood for being annihilated on here because my kids do a couple of groups a week.

OP posts:

YourLastNerve · 13/10/2024 14:13

There's a lot less around for 3-4 year olds than there used to be. I think so many people are using the free 30 hours, it just isn't worth putting on stuff for this age group

But it doesn't have to be an organised "group". If you have good toys etc, a garden, 4 year olds should be able to play for a bit by themselves.

I do think one thing that has shifted is there are fewer other 3/4 year olds free during the week to play as more are in childcare. I was lucky a friend and i with DC same age were both off on the same day, we met up a lot. It was a godsend

YourLastNerve · 13/10/2024 14:16

Sorry op - not meaning to pick at you re groups, lots are great but it pays off long run if kids learn early on to play independently- the investment is worth it down the line. It gets incredibly expensive with older kids if they constantly expect to be taken out/entertained & can't cope with spending time at home doing crafts/lego/board games, playing in garden etc.

One thing op - you are at the hardest age, give it 2 years your kids will play together and its brill

exprecis · 13/10/2024 14:17

YourLastNerve · 13/10/2024 14:13

There's a lot less around for 3-4 year olds than there used to be. I think so many people are using the free 30 hours, it just isn't worth putting on stuff for this age group

But it doesn't have to be an organised "group". If you have good toys etc, a garden, 4 year olds should be able to play for a bit by themselves.

This is really child dependent. I don't have kids who can do a day of pottering and playing nicely. I have children who go a bit feral if I try that

Peskydahlias · 13/10/2024 14:18

Also, just to add to some of the other things you have said I don't just really chill at home with my kids.... At least one of them but normally both is taken out both morning and afternoon. We do things at home like baking, craft etc but when the youngest one is asleep so let's say we are normally in between 12-2.30 but out the rest of the time. Which means in winter you need some organised activities! I live in a small house so if you stay in all day it's extremely claustrophobic, and tbh DH and I are both busy outdoor people who hate being indoors. My kids as a result are extremely physically capable for their ages - 3 year old can ride a bike etc. wanting to get out is not a bad thing and we are all different!

YourLastNerve · 13/10/2024 14:22

I don't have kids who can do a day of pottering and playing nicely. I have children who go a bit feral if I try that

At 2/3 mine were feral too, but we worked so hard on getting them used to being bored a bit & entertaining themselves more etc on advice from my older sibling. It was a long game & my eldest especially will never be like some very quiet docile kids, but now he's miles better at keeping himself busy. It was bloody painful to get to but its been worth it.

Original poster

darkwetevening · 13/10/2024 14:23

I have to admit I’m a bit lost as to why I’m being told off about organised activities. At the moment, on a Friday morning we either go to a forest playgroup where the whole point is it isn’t organised - I mean yes, they organise it and put things out but the children explore and play in their own time in their own way. He does a swimming lesson for half an hour Saturday morning and a football class for 45 minutes on a Sunday; it’s not exactly military school!

Anyway the point is that as much as it’s nice to have a day at home it isn’t really practical with two young kids with different ages and interests who enjoy being out and about a bit. I can and do expect a nearly four year old to entertain himself ‘for a bit’ but there’s a world of difference between ‘for a bit’ and for a whole day!

OP posts:

YourLastNerve · 13/10/2024 14:24

You aren't being told off

Hey look I'm just trying to help cos ive been there!!. My kids are the exact same age except im 4 years down the road. It gets easier. Good luck.

Original poster

darkwetevening · 13/10/2024 14:25

@Peskydahlias thanks for that, that really does seem to have so much in common with me!

OP posts:

Original poster

darkwetevening · 13/10/2024 14:26

@YourLastNerve Yes in fairness you weren’t telling me off but you were making it clear that you disagreed with my current approach and that you feel we should be at home with toys and in the garden. It just doesn’t work. It’s too long a time, and all that happens is they get bored and up to mischief or fall out or the TV goes on!

OP posts:

YourLastNerve · 13/10/2024 14:28

I don't disagree per se

Im just saying there are some things you can do now that may make life easier down the line so you aren't posting again with the same issues 2 years from now.

Original poster

darkwetevening · 13/10/2024 14:30

The kids are awake from about half six in the morning to about half seven in the evening (obviously the younger one still has a sleep in the day.)

Expecting them to entertain themselves for thirteen hours isn’t realistic. Even if we shave off a couple of hours for meals, bath and stories, that leaves the best part of ten hours to fill. I don’t think a session lasting around an hour is dooming them to a life of expecting constant entertainment, or going to a soft play or role play centre to while away a rainy afternoon is.

OP posts:

JADS · 13/10/2024 14:35

I found my two quite difficult at the age of 4. Both boys, both high energy, oldest was like a hurricane at times.

They grow out of toddler activities and the pre school stuff is less available. DS2 did a swimming class aged 4 and they were constantly trying to shut it down as there were too few kids (week day). It was like it didn't fit into any swimming scheme either. DS2 thrived in the small class and was already way ahead when he got to Swimming Stages.

I also remember that 30 free hours came in around that time and there was a real push to use them.

ballybooboo · 13/10/2024 14:52

I'd do it.

Whatever gets you through, no one on here knows you or your kids, you know what's best for you all.

You can't be a good parent if you are run ragged.

sunshine244 · 13/10/2024 14:56

I think going out of the house once or twice a day will be your savour. You said that going to the shops isn't an activity but it absolutely can be. Give your kids things to find or hold. Little one can 'help' hold the shopping list and wave at people.

I used to often plan activities around trips out if I didn't have any formal activities or playdates etc lined up. For example spend time looking at kids cook book, pick recipe, walk to shop, home and bake something.

Or draw a picture and walk to grandmas house to deliver it.

Or go to park to get leaves to make an autumn picture.

Or go to library to pick a book about favorite topic and draw a picture

Etc...

Going to everyday normal places with purpose turns them into an activity with very little effort.

Personally I think you don't have long with your oldest child before fulltime school so avoiding an extra day childcare seems best if possible.

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