To send a child to preschool FT although I work PT?

[darkwetevening]

Feeling a bit torn at the moment and struggling to know what’s best to do.

I have a child who is four in December and a child who is fifteen months. There is absolutely loads on round us to the point the baby / toddler market is a bit saturated. There are a couple of things that I could do with just my older one but I can’t take the younger one as well.

I am considering just having him FT in preschool. At the moment he does two days in a private nursery while I work and two days in a local preschool (9-3.) I work on one of these days but it’s more flexible so I can drop off and pick up.

I don’t want him to feel pushed out and I do worry about this, I do feel like I’m constantly telling him off and most of his interactions with me feel quite negative. I do love him but it’s not an easy relationship; never has been. And I’m worried full time at preschool will exacerbate this. Equally I worry being with me does more harm than good.

@Dery that’s a nice reply and thank you.

I have not been the parent I wanted to be with DS. When I was pregnant I was very excited to be having a baby and we did the NCT courses and we read the books and bought adorable outfits and planned and dreamed and waited. As you do.

The reality was a complete shit show of a birth 😂 and a load of completely bananas events afterwards, so much so that I question not only my sanity but the NHS and HVs - just as an example I was put on a feeding plan which involved trying and failing to breastfeed, then expressing then feeding formula which meant in reality no sleep (and I mean none) and this in the dark winter days of Covid … looking back I do think I lost the plot more than a little.

He is a lovely boy really but he did have a long and horrible phase of being quite unpredictable around other kids (I am saying unpredictable but actually he was predictable enough in that for pretty much a full year he’d push, shove, bite …) I couldn’t take him to church type playgroups as he’d just get into altercations, so anything we did go to had to be an organised sort of activity. It also meant any sort of mummy meet-ups were hard, so my days off with him were long and lovely. He’s thankfully grown out of that now mostly but he’s twice the size of the children at the toddler groups and it isn’t fair on anyone dragging him to them I suppose.

Yes! Put him in! (If he's ready). Our children arany our best friends, they can sometimes have a much better time at school as they develop their friendships and what they do at preschool/school is more structured and tailored for them than what a burnt out mum with a baby can offer. The break may do you the world of good and he may be happier having more of a structure to his day and you may be happier being able to manage the week better juggling two young children.

I started a business this year and put my 2 year old in to full time nursery even though at the start I was home on my laptop trying to begin. Technically I could have had her home but I could never have done with her the things that nursery offered - she's thriving and confident and makes friends so easily. And the time we're together I'm so much more focused.

Take the time for yourself or you and baby or whatever you need to get yourself through the week! Parenting is hard!

I have two boys, one is almost 4 and the youngest is 18months old. They were both in private nursery 4 days a week, with the eldest having a 1-on-1 day with me Friday and the youngest is on Monday. I work part time. I've come to realise recently through therapy that I have depression, possibly starting as post natal depression. I was always so totally drained and exhausted, still am, so it was very important for me to have mine at nursery. It cost more than I earnt, but it's been necessary. My eldest is now 9-3pm at school nursery, and it's a pretty short working day for me, but I can see it suits him well. If you feel you need the support in these early years then do it. I sympathise with this totally. My two love nursery and get a lot from it! It's important for them to have a healthy happy mother

I've now read most of the comments in this chat and it sounds pretty similar to me. I worry sometimes that I'm a different mum to my eldest. I also find his behaviour more challenging, I'm shorter tempered with him and always tense to some predicted next step, him making a mess, a loud noise, running away etc. I think it's my tension rather than his behaviour that is the issue - I'm still hung up on things like the chronic lack of sleep and the fear of it is impacting my behaviour with him (so says my therapist). It doesn't impact me with my youngest (although I always relate to him by comparing him to his older brother). And the birth experience sounds familiar. If you'll forgive my waddling in with no qualifications - I would suggest you look into postnatal depression and see if it resonates with you, or consider talking any specific relationship concerns through with a therapist

@darkwetevening - thank you for forgiving me and your very generous message.

DH and I also had what I now see were unrealistic expectations of early parenthood. And it sounds like you had a desperately difficult time early on, really traumatic. I had difficulty breastfeeding and felt appalling giving my child formula. I still feel some anger about how bad I was made to feel by the bloody NCT and its stance on formula. And I seemed to be surrounded by new mothers with endless supplies of amazing milk. Breastfeeding is fabulous when it works but formula is a very good second best and much better to have a well-fed child and a mother getting as much rest as she can.

It is very hard when your child seems to be the one that doesn’t fit in and doesn’t play nicely. Most parents have that experience with their DCs at least some of the time but it’s very tiring when it feels like you can’t go anywhere at all ever without a bust-up
happening.

One of our DDs seemed to be the one who didn’t fit anywhere - it came at a later age when most children were more socially ept: around age 8-11. She seemed to always be on the outside. It only really began to get better around age 13-14. She was quite recently - in her later teens - diagnosed autistic and when I look back, I can see that a lot of the situations we put her in were too complicated for her to navigate. And that she found the school playground (never entirely easy for any child) particularly difficult. A particular crisis point in year 4 was when her two best friends at school didn’t invite her to their joint birthday party because they knew she wouldn’t want to play the same games as them. We began adjusting for autism some years before her diagnosis (recognising when she was ‘peopled out’, for example) and it definitely helped.

What you describe of your son reminds me of some discussions I had with a dear friend who was married to a semi-pro rugby player and experiencing similar with their son when he was little. Namely that her husband when little and now their shared child had physical strength and energy which was particularly huge and made it particularly hard for them to play nicely with toys at playgroup and so on. I bet if you were to speak to the parents of a lot of professional sportsmen and sportswomen, you would hear similar stories.

I was at home with the kids that age and mine were very young starting school -literally just 4 in one case- but did find it hard past 3 to find groups for both - as older kids were in pre-school full time nursery and it was starting to be all younger kids.

It depends what local - child friendly museums or soft play could be options in winter months but putting him in preschool another day if he enjoys it isn't worst thing in world and many kids will be in 5 days a week as parents have to work.

I find it more worrying way you are speaking about him compared to youngest and do wonder if you could have had pnd and haven't bonded as well. Boy do get testosterone surges when they are more emotional and more well boisterous but mine and many other mother I knew said were cuddlier than daughters.

As one of eldest in school year (if England and Wales) he may just need more stimulation - as just few months earlier he'd already be at school.

worrying - I don’t want to be snarky but is admitting that a three, nearly four year old boy is boisterous and can be really irritating that bad?

I am sure DD will be just as annoying when she’s at the same age but a large part of it is balancing the needs of both. DS on his own is no trouble really.

This all sounds very structured and add in 2 different childcare settings. Sounds like he could do with more unstructured time.

Would you consider a Childminder?

Ours is £1k (yes 1k! 😵‍💫) Pm cheaper than the private nurseries and cost 7.70 per hour(in london!)

well yes but then I’d have people telling me he needs more activities

I have to parent the children I have. Sorry but unstructured days at home are a disaster for all of us. I can just about manage with one child although even then we get restless and bored but with two it’s a nightmare. Squabbling, fighting over toys, winding one another up, can’t even watch TV as they aren’t into the same things!

No, that wouldn’t work at all.

There’s nothing wrong about full time nursery. Plenty of kids go full time. Especially as he’s so close to school age anyway.

Send him. Don’t feel any guilt.

Tbh you dont seem open to alternates and without judgement it reads like you just want him in full time childcare so i would just do it and not waste time on guilt. he'll be in school from next sept anyway...

Personally I'd prefer to have 1:1 time with both my kids and maybe some flex so i get the odd day or half day to myself but I LOVE 1:1 time with my oldest so easy for me to say that.
I have my oldest in with the CM 4 days pw despite being on mat leave - which i am sure lots of women think makes me a shit head but it works well for us as a family and i have zero issues or guilt around it.

everyone is different and motherhood is the hands down THE hardest thing ive ever done😵‍💫🤯🤣🤣 so i think women should just do what they need to do to preserve their sanity /own identity beyond mother.

Is there a reason you have to take them to an organised activity, can’t you do something with both of them eg going to the park, taking them to the shops etc?

I’ll sure both just want your time and connection. It’s hard to feel connected when there is distance or they are somewhere else.

It is hard looking after two kids, I also have a 4 and 2 year old, but what I’ve noticed with my eldest is that the more time I spend with him, the more he feels connected and so do I. Before that it was an emotional rollercoaster.

If you are struggling to cope with both, then maybe you just need some time out for self care. Sometimes when they act out, it’s actually because they need you, but don’t know how to express it. I’ve found that empathy, not taking things to heart and just spending time together has brought us closer.

@TemuSpecialBuy I find posts like that so frustrating. I’ve already said I probably won’t be changing things and will be keeping it at four days a week and then I get posts like that insisting that actually I’m going to put him in FT … no. I’m not. I’ve said I probably won’t. So quit with your judgement

A childminder wouldn’t work. Apart from the fact most of the ones round here spend all their time gossiping at groups about the parents of the children they mind which doesn’t fill me with confidence, I can’t have two children in different settings and I’m not going to pull them out of the nursery they are happy and settled in. There are other considerations too. It wouldn’t work. That’s not ‘not being open to suggestions’ it’s me telling you it wouldn’t work.

@Lottemarine going to the shops isn’t an activity. We do go to the park sometimes but DD can only really go on the swings and she gets bored of that quickly.

I would do full time pre-school but cut out the other activities. That’s too much for most children. Do you have a partner? If so, I’d carve out some special time once a week with just the older one with a focus of being a “yes time”.

No it isn’t too much. It might be too much for your child; it isn’t for mine.

I just think you are being very negative about him and even say your bond not great.

I suspect it you thought all was well between you'd be less worried about putting him for an extra day in preschool as it's not a huge thing.

yes kids go though phases they are particularly demanding but the way you talk is reminding me of friends who had pnd - if that doesn't fit then I apologise.

My point why was do you even need to do an activity? Why can’t you just hang out and spend time together, whatever it is. Kids don’t care too much about activities at that age, I’m sure he’d rather just be with you. He’ll be off at school soon anyway.

Not my intention... im saying if you want to put him in ft do it and dont feel bad

good luck with resolving this in a way that works for you. Its clearly weighing heavy and i def dont seem to have any answers 😵‍💫🙈

I found it easier to be out the house at those ages - meant my attention could be on them and not the other things needing doing in house - plus going out got them tired and burnt of energy and they often got on better so they were more manageable later in day.

It is harder to find activates with older kids or set up to accommodate them as they are all in childcare settings as many parents head back to work full time.

She could do it for the winter months - see if it helps and if not near spring drop down and do more activities outside - as school won't be far off by then. As long as kid enjoys preschool really don't think it a huge thing.

Would it be an idea for him to attend pre school on Fridays until the weather is better so over winter? Hopefully by then DD will be walking and you can have some lovely planned days out before he starts school.

Do you have a partner? Do you get any down time?

Cross post - agree with this.

I had a 4 year old and a newborn. DS1 was in nursery 4 days a week.

Well, people seem quite fixated on us ‘doing an activity’ but we have to do something otherwise we’re just getting on each others nerves, and it’s challenging at the moment doing things both enjoy.

He does care about activities. He doesn’t want to be at home for days on end.