To think my H is being an asshole for saying...

[tellmesomethingtrue]

that he'd like me to dress my age, or younger, and not wear old lady clothes that no man would find attractive?

I'm 41.

I would have said: “Is it OK for me to dress like this as your ex wife? Because that’s what I am about to become.”

Twat. In the bin he goes.

There is a lot more going on here. A marriage in trouble, I'm guessing, and his not-so-delicate way of saying he's not as attracted to you anymore. I think you both need to focus less on the clothes issue and figure out where the love, respect, and attraction have gone.

If you want the marriage to continue that is. If not, then just end it already.

I would say that if you get to the point where you have to discuss how to improve your relationship by text and his main suggestion is 'wear younger clothes', you might need to move on and accept that the marriage is over...

Why? Is everyone supposed to be dressing a certain way and if you dint then it’s ok for anyone to criticise and belittle someone?

If the OP wants to dress like a 95yo, so be it. No one should make a comment on that. Let alone her H who’d prefer someone ‘looking younger’ than she is.

If the OP wants to dress like a 95yo, so be it. No one should make a comment on that. Let alone her H who’d prefer someone ‘looking younger’ than she is.

So would you genuinely say nothing if your husband started dressing in a way that you found unattractive?

Please, OP, do not discuss things like 'what i want for my future' via text!

Yep. Asshole.

Would give me the ick too!

That's a nonsensical question though isn't it?

Attraction is multilayered.

And aesthetics are part of that. I would never be attracted to a man who wore a grey tracksuit. If DH, my lovely dapper husband, who I'm wildly attracted to suddenly started to wear a generic grey tracksuit, slung low on the hips and stopped washing his hair, I'd be concerned.

I'd be genuinely worried about him and his state of mind.

That's very different to me texting him and asking him not to 'dress old' and say 'no woman's going to fancy you in that'.

That would be about me, and my worries about how the world perceived me.

Not about any concerns for my husband.

I find it liberating to be able to 'dress my age' if I want. I was in a shop, a brand typically aimed at an older demographic, and saw a dress I liked, I automatically asked myself if it was 'too old' for me - then I thought, I'm in my 50s now - of course it's not too old for me. I mean, there's no reason really why I shouldn't have bought it had I been in my 20s, but realistically there will be judgy types (like your DH) and it was just pleasant to think no one would judge.

I totally agree that he didn't word it well, but I also don't think he's automatically wrong or unpleasant to raise the issue of appearance in a marriage/long-term relationship.

There are often threads on here from women complaining that their DH has grown a horrible beard, or that he won't throw away old, ratty shirts and insists on wearing them on days out, and they're inevitably full of sympathy, often with suggestions of throwing away his clothes or refusing to kiss him until he sorts his facial hair out.

I guess I'm just not convinced that all the posters slagging him off would automatically accept their husbands dressing in a way they found unattractive and not say anything about it.

I still don't understand why he'd say that. He wants other men to find you attractive? Well, that might come back to bite him on the arse when you decide to go off with one of them, who will inevitably be better dressed than your husband!

Any smart man knows women dress for themselves and for eachother. Not for their partner and certainly not for male strangers!

No.

@tellmesomethingtrue's husband specifically said that he would like her not to wear 'Old lady clothes that no man would find attractive'.

Which is entirely subjective anyway.

His comment wasn't about @tellmesomethingtrue. His comment was entirely about him.

And it wasn't a comment from a person that loves you.

No-one that loved you would say that.

Is he always this much of a dickhead?

Well, of course it's subjective @LibertyCaps - all attraction is subjective

I do think he worded it badly and obviously if OP isn't happy in her marriage then it's all a moot point anyway, but I just don't think (in general) telling your partner you don't find something about their dress or appearance attractive is necessarily a bad thing, that's all.

I think he is automatically wrong for the way he said it and can only imagine how he would have said it in person.

Those are words he chose to send to her and I highly doubt he didn’t know what he was doing.

There are plenty of words and ways he could have said it without being intentionally hurtful.

I find my DH most attractive with certain styles of facial hair. For him though, it’s either more tricky for him to do or he struggles with the maintenance and obstacles of it (full beard) and instead chooses to be clean shaven. Is that my preference, no, am I still attracted to him, yes, because I rather he be comfortable in his skin which is attractive in its own way than for him to wear what I want when it is uncomfortable for him.

Clothing-wise, if we’re going out together as long as it is presentable and with the dress code, I’m content. If he is going out on his own, I don’t care, barring it being completely out of his usually style. If it were, I’d ask him why.

I’d never say anything near what OP’s DH says and don’t care if other women find my DH attractive or not. Not one of the reasons I married him.

Why the hate on grey track pants? One of the sexiest things a man can wear (providing he has a decent body) esp if there is nothing underneath. 😋

My boyfriend apologised at first for wearing track pants around the house. I said no problem baby, you just be comfortable.

@Lostsadandconfused oh come on. There's a world of difference between a fit guy with a six pack with low slung quality joggers like he's just got out the shower and a beer belly hanging over stained, bobbled, baggy Primark polyester. When people complain about grey joggers, that's what they mean.

He's being unreasonable and honestly a complete idiot. Explaining to him that he dresses badly may help!!

Are you serious!!

My response would be "I am dressing for my age. I'm 41 and these are the clothes I have bought. I am wearing them. Therefore, I am dressed for my age. If I want your opinion on my appearance, I'll ask you for it. How I look or what I wear is nothing to do with you. "

YABU for not spelling arsehole correctly.

YANBU for being upset that the tosser wants you to doll up like an insta bimbo. How are your patio re-laying skills?

Ask him to buy you some clothes, shoes and bags.

Take advantage of the situation, and make sure he pays for it all xx

Have you been having problems in your marriage? Does he feel the attraction for you both has gone? Have you both got a bit too comfortable with each other? Men are more attracted to the visual than we are. Tell him you'll dress better if he does. Both make an effort. He might just be not very good at saying he wants you to make more of an effort. If so he's got to do the same.

You’re not his mannequin. YANBU.