Will I regret not trying for a third child?

[2or3whatsittobe]

I think we have reached the decision to stick at two children rather than three. It’s very much a head vs heart decision, my heart wants nothing more than a third but my head knows that for us it’s probably right to stick at two for a lot of reasons.

I’m just so worried that I will look back in 20/30 years time and wish we’d tried for a third.

Equally, I can picture an amazing life in 10 years time if we don’t go for a third where we can fully invest our time and money in our two children and start to get some of our own time and lives back.

For context, two children aged 1 and 4. I’m 36 and really don’t want to be having a baby when I’m 40, though I absolutely have no judgement of those who do, I just already feel old as it is in terms of my body. If we don’t conceive in the next couple of months my oldest would be going into year 6 when my youngest was starting reception and I just don’t know if I can face still doing the school run in 7/8 years.

Anyway I’ve read every thread there is on Mumsnet about the age old third child debate but just looking for people to please tell me this isn’t something we will regret! (Equally if you stuck at two and do regret it please do tell)

Could you cope if it were twins? Could you cope if your child had a disability? What impact would a third have on your two dc? I longed for a third but we couldn’t afford it and I knew that although an extra one would have been a stretch- twins would have been impossible. Eventually with time (and reaching 40) I was very much glad we stopped at two.

No you won't regret it, it sounds like stopping at 2 is perfect for you and your family.

I absolutely know twins would break us. And while we can afford a third, we could give a much better life to our current children if we stuck at two. So I know it is the right and selfless decision but it’s so hard when my heart yearns for another.

Absolutely not. Once you have 3 you will want 4. You have a great set up, two healthy children, resources to spread between them, stable employment (I hope) and ability to provide for them. And God forbid imagine if that 3rd child had something wrong with it and that perfect family dynamic was destroyed. Could you live with that? Knowing it was all for ‘because we wanted a 3rd?’

Enjoy and be grateful for what you have.

Someone said “you’ll never regret the child you had. You may regret not having the child you wanted”

we had this when going from 3 to 4. I am pregnant with our 4th. We are by no means well off but we can manage and our children are are, loved and cared for. I am much busier but I can honestly say the jump from 2-3 was barely noticeable once the first few
weeks were over.

money can always be made, children can’t and provided you could provide for them in all areas of life then I would go ahead but having a larger family was always very important to me. I also think of when I get older. I’m not expecting my children to HAVE to look after me but I have just watched a family close to us loose their Mum and she had 4 children who all shared the responsibility of care and supported each other in grief when she died. It’s not always the way but a lot of siblings stay close as they grow up. I talk to my siblings often

Head over heart time.

They aren't little for long. They become expensive teenagers that often cause no end of worry. Why don't you read through the secondary, further and higher education threads to get a taste of what's ahead?

I would quit while you are ahead.

@AgainandagainandagainSS Honestly you’ve just nailed my biggest fear about having a third. I’ve got a pretty great life at the moment and I’m worried that if we had a third we could end up regretting it for various reasons. Although I’m worried about regretting not going for it too, I think I’d rather stick than twist if you see what I mean.

@RampantIvy I have done that and that has actually helped me a lot I think. I could defo handle another baby / pre schooler no problems, but worry about handling three teens. And get the thought of not having another baby / pre schooler breaks my heart a bit!

Meantime, I have adult children who need full time care. They would not support each other if I popped my clogs.

we stuck at two and after a few years being back and forth on it now they are 11 and 7 I'm glad we did.

Our second was IVF and after he was born we had a couple of embryos still frozen, so they burned a hole in my mind for a while. But husband and I were never on for rolling the dice again at the same time.

then the pandemic happened and I was REALLY glad we hadn't.

As time has gone on I'm more and more glad. I loved the baby and young children years but they are hard work and I don't have more of that in me.

My kids are pretty high needs emotionally and my husband is pretty introverted so I do the emotional support and I often think that having one more in the mix could have broken us. Husband would have worried about the financial side and worked even harder to provide for us all.

My career is taking off again and I'm loving that. I wouldn't have the capacity for that and be the mother I want to (and they need) with another one to juggle.

Sometimes the head is right. in the last couple of years my heart has caught up and is grateful!

Kindly, it sounds like you are sad that you know you will never have a small baby or be pregnant again. But there is so so so much more to parenting than that (and tbh it’s not even the best stage hahahaha).
Enjoy your lovely kids and every stage of their development.

Your situation with age and children sounds similar to mine. Head said no but I wanted one to the point I went for it. It was tough going from 2 to 3. Made me realise I didn’t want a fourth (as oppose to a previous poster who thinks this is how it works!)

I think women are conditioned to believe it’s 2 and that’s it. My parents had at least 9 brothers and sisters each around them. It all depends how you want your life to be. I’ve happily traded an awful lot to have my family of 5. I now get hand me downs from my 14 year old. But I’m good with that!

I yearned for a third when my children were aged 2 and 4. Hubby wouldn't agree and felt we had one of each and should be content. I couldn't accept that internally and knew I wanted a third. I left it as I respected his point of view and understood the reasons. 2 years later he broached it and said he had been thinking about it and would be happy to try for a third if I still wanted to. I very much did, we had a third and he has completed our family. He brings the whole family so much joy , we adjusted our spending and kept hand me downs etc..

I don't really understand this "you will never regret the child you had". I would definitely have regretted having a third. GCSEs, A levels, uni, jobs etc etc have been far more stressful and expensive with the CoL than I anticipated.

Oh, and money can't always be made in a recession.

Interesting thread. My DS twins are 10 and I got quite broody a while ago when I realised they were starting high school in a year and that the days of walking them to school were soon coming to an end. I think with twins it can feel worse as it all ends at the same time and you don't have that gap between one going off to high school and the younger one still at primary. However, I had to really think hard whether my emotions and this reason was healthy enough to try and have another child. I always loved the idea of large families and in an ideal world I would have 3 at least. Our house is small though, and financially don't think it would stretch plus I want to support them through high school as much as possible and not sure how I would do that with a baby. Yours are still young though so it might work out fine.

But you don’t have a third so you are assuming all this. You’d have found a way. That way doesn’t mean regretting the existence of the youngest child.

That quote is bollocks, you only need to read some of the threads on here to see that.

I was so broody for number 3 but it didn’t happen after trying for a month or two so we stopped trying. Mine are now 8&10 and I am so bloody glad we didn’t do it. We love our life, a third would have upset the dynamic and cost us so much more. No regrets and actually relief tbh.

My heart wanted a third. 9 months before I turned 40 (my personal cut off point), when the DC were aged 3 and 4, DH and I had a conversation and agreed not to.

10 years later with two teens I am very very glad I didn’t have a third, I’ve been very glad for many years. I don’t regret it at all.

My third just turned up uninvited. Money has been tight. We needed an extra bedroom (though all three very happily shared for a while), a bigger car, another bike, and another three years of finance for university. But I don’t regret him for one minute.

Once you're ferrying your children around left, right and centre to their school and clubs, you'll be glad not to have a third. You'll get over this feeling.

@rubeexxcube that’s kind of where we are at, we’ve tried half heartedly for a couple of months and I think it’s kind of focused the mind a bit.

I did want a third but financially, and mentally knew I wouldn't cope if there was something wrong or if it was twins. We didn't go for it. Ours was a head over heart decision.

Fast forward dd1 is doing her GCSEs, dd2 is having lots of anxiety and needs alot emotionally since starting secondary school last year. Our rent has gone up by £500 a month in the last 3 years plus everything else. But due to the above we can't move until they are through school. I am very glad we stuck to 2 children.

My second was twins - honestly you just find a way of coping. Not sure if some of these anti twin comments are just based on twins or based on going from 2 to 4 in one go

Having 3 though is an interesting dynamic - you are always outnumbered and someone is always getting less attention than someone else.

Holidays are painfully expensive

This is exactly why I stopped at 2.
some times you have to count your blessings. Appreciate what you do have, rather than what you don’t.

you’re not the first and won’t be the last woman to feel this way 🤗

Just get on with your life. When my second went to school, I went to university and built a whole new career and life.