Will I regret not trying for a third child?

[2or3whatsittobe]

I think we have reached the decision to stick at two children rather than three. It’s very much a head vs heart decision, my heart wants nothing more than a third but my head knows that for us it’s probably right to stick at two for a lot of reasons.

I’m just so worried that I will look back in 20/30 years time and wish we’d tried for a third.

Equally, I can picture an amazing life in 10 years time if we don’t go for a third where we can fully invest our time and money in our two children and start to get some of our own time and lives back.

For context, two children aged 1 and 4. I’m 36 and really don’t want to be having a baby when I’m 40, though I absolutely have no judgement of those who do, I just already feel old as it is in terms of my body. If we don’t conceive in the next couple of months my oldest would be going into year 6 when my youngest was starting reception and I just don’t know if I can face still doing the school run in 7/8 years.

Anyway I’ve read every thread there is on Mumsnet about the age old third child debate but just looking for people to please tell me this isn’t something we will regret! (Equally if you stuck at two and do regret it please do tell)

I don't like the whole 'starting again' or 'going back' mentality. I have a baby and nearly 6 year old. I say I'm not going back, this is a different person and we're very much going forward. However it's easy to forget how tiring it was and now with the added challenge of more kids = more housework and life admin.

But it is going back, you get out of the stage of nappies, naps, soft plays, negotiating with a toddler etc, if you're out of that phase and have another you go back to it and take your older kids with you. For me I personally don't think it's fair on the older ones, it completely changes the dynamic of the family and what you can do, and restricts your time with them because of how demanding younger childcare are of time, I know people always deny that but it's the truth, there is no way I could spend the time I currently spend with my teens/pre teens if I was dealing with a baby or toddler.

Once you have 3 you will want 4

This was us - started out wanting 3 started having them and then wanted 4.

I had terrible maternity care with third which meant while we wanted another we could never quite face it as it impacted us both.

I love my three - they are great teens bar odd moments - never regretted any of them and they are doing well so far in life but glad we stopped at 3 and didn't have fourth - financially and emotionally I think it would have been too big a stretch.

By time youngest was 7 we knew we'd made the right choice for us. Apparently some of the policy researchers in China has wanted 2 children limit but with min of 7 year gap - because many parents by then wouldn't have wanted the second child even if first was girl - but they were over ruled and they went with the diaconicon one child policy. So there must be some biological hormonal drive going on there when you already have young kids.

So I think it's very possible older kids get less you regret it.

Interested to know what gap you think is unfair on older kids. If you have a small gap for the third is that fairer on the older kids as you are still fairly in that baby stage of life?

Are soft play and toddler groups essential for a happy childhood?? I really don't think so, imo toddler groups especially are a waste of time for anyone with more than one child. In my experience, they're meant to bring first time mums together. A child with 3 older siblings has enough stimulation and fun at home without needing to go to a toddler group or soft play.

I think a lot of couples struggle with the decision to have a third child because it goes against society expectations. We are conditioned to believe that two children is the ideal number - less than that and you're selfish, more than 2 and you're irresponsible because you will not be able to give your children all the time, money, possibilities etc. that you could have offered to two.
Added to that is the general negativity about children, how much hard work it is etc. It's not surprising most people stick to two!

I know a number of people who of course, love their third child, but will quietly admit that having them wasn’t a good decision.

Obviously, people generally don't regret that their children exist and love them.
However, there is so much to be said for enjoying the children you do have.
I think some parents of 3+ children can say they enjoy the chaos and be a bit oblivious to some of the things going on for their children as they just don't have that 1:1 connection time with them. Obviously they love and care and play but intimate moments with older children get lost. I think it's different maybe if you've got close extended family who intensively support.

Anecdotal but a friend's 7 year olds behaviour deteriorated a year after they welcomed their third, he was a really bright happy lad and really patient after the baby was born but he eventually became resigned to his needs coming last always. He could never do things he wanted because of the younger two.
Things settle down over time of course but I think his dad genuinely felt at times he would rather be able to take him on days out and follow his interests rather than being constantly firefighting poor sleep and tantrums of the youngest, and perhaps if they had their time again they wouldn't have gone for it.

They might not be essential but they're happy usual childhood experiences aren't they!? I think the point was the more children the fewer enriching activities. I'm sure they will still get their needs more than met but some parents value being able to do things out and about with their children.
My child doesn't NEED days out at Legoland or the zoo etc but it's a pleasure for her and a joy for me to spend that time with her.

I think the thing about 3+ is the pragmatic sense of being 'outnumbered'.
And of course if you are doing it right kids ARE really hard work, it doesn't take away from it being rewarding but I would never recommend it to those who are ambivalent.

OP, I was in a similar position. We decided not to have a third, but part of me wanted to.
What helped me was realising that what I really wanted wasn't a family of three children, but rather to relive the baby times again, to have the experience of a snuggly newborn and all the first milestones. Something I read posed the question 'is it really that you want another child, or to more intensely savour what you already had with your existing children', and I realised it was the latter for me. And I did reflect that I was lucky to have two healthy children - I felt almost superstitious about being greedy if I tried for a third (and while it was worth it to me to run the risk of complex medical needs to have a second child, I'm not sure I felt it was for a third.)

Another big factor for me was that I realised that although love is unlimited, attention and time are not. I felt I'd spread myself too thin, and not be able to be the mother I wanted to be to all my children. (I'm sure other mothers of 3 do manage - I'm not saying it's not possible, but just that I thought I would find it hard, and probably feel guilty).

Also, dynamics between siblings are different with 3 children. Most people I know who have 3 or more come from larger families themselves and are used to that. The good thing about 2 children is that they are either squabbling or they are not squabbling - it is relatively simple, and they can't form complex alliances that leave someone feeling left out.

A friend of mine just announced her third pregnancy, and I'd be lying if I didn't feel a pang of 'what if' for a second, but I basically don't regret our decision. I don't feel our family is incomplete.

Hi op we have 2. Im one of 3 girls I do at times feel left out of plans even as an adult. 2 in childcare was costly so I felt 2 was my limit.

Interested to know what gap you think is unfair on older kids. If you have a small gap for the third is that fairer on the older kids as you are still fairly in that baby stage of life?

Well I haven't written a rule book or anything, but I think perhaps when you're getting to 5+ is when you're starting to raise children in different age brackets, but 10+ is when it starts getting unfair, if a pre teen/teen is being catapulted into the baby/toddler years. And yes if having a third I think it is better to have relatively small gaps so they're not in completely different stages, but I'm still not convinced 3 children can be given the level of time and attention I want to give mine, whatever the gaps (a major reason for us stopping at 2)

I've been listening to a book about generations recently and it talks about the switch over time from low input parenting to more intensive parenting which is more common now - families have less children but put more into them.

I'm conflicted at the moment as I've got 2, might like a third but not 100% sure. Sometimes I think yes that would be great and get really excited but then also it's already hard. We have no family nearby either. Also I am the eldest of 5, and while I am grateful for my siblings, I am not particularly close with any of them and it was hard growing up as there was a lot of squabbling. My parents worked hard to ensure we could train for our sport (~10x a week plus meets often over both weekend days!) but largely it was me and no2, and other arrangements had to be made for the other 3. The youngest 3 did some of the same sport but not to the same level. Me and no2 are the only ones with any university education. Me and no2 got the furthest in terms of musical extra curricular. I've read papers about it being birth order that affects children in families with more than 2 kids. So for #1, it may well work out the same regardless of siblings number but for #3+, it would have been better to be higher up the birth order.

Anyway, I am still undecided 😂 and so is DH unhelpfully, neither of us are particularly for or against. I think if one of us was set one way or the other it would really help!

I kind of feel that for kids generally, big families are good for them and us. But that in this current climate where achievement, financial stability and academic success etc is worth a lot, then the model of few children high input gives them a better chance.

I feel you can argue this one either way. My biggest guilt about our spacing is 2 years was hard on the eldest, having to share her mum when she was still so little herself. And they didn't really play together after eldest learned to read anyway. With hindsight I'd have gone for a bigger gap. Friends of mine have an 8y gap and a 15 year gap and both have approached it almost like raising an only child twice. Kids get on great. It's different but not worse, in my view.

Interested to know what gap you think is unfair on older kids. If you have a small gap for the third is that fairer on the older kids as you are still fairly in that baby stage of life?

We had them close together - but were late 20s early 30s so had a lot of energy and it was hard work. They are very close to each other and get on actively choosing to included their siblings in things- that's not a given that's luck and personalities at play.

It probably helps our middle child is different sex so unlike in my childhood it's harder for wider family to lump them in a group rather than individuals - as that happened to me plus the large age gap between me an younger sister meant I got treated as much younger age - so have been very aware to account for age and personalities with them. I wanted small gaps as grew up as one of three and the large age gaps I felt meant we didn't grow up as close and constantly had to compromise and yes by time I was in secondary with younger sister still in primary felt my parents were over things like celebrations and birthday parties and even family days out.

You seem to be saying that not going to soft play, toddler groups, Legoland etc. will mean a child lacks happy experiences in general. There is a huge variety of happy experiences that a child can make, and you have no idea what kind of a childhood the child in question had.
When I look back to my own childhood, the happiest memories I have are of playing with other children - siblings, cousins, and friends, most of them in a setting that was mostly free: the park, my grandmother's farm, a birthday party at someone's house. We weren't poor and we did go to the zoo etc. but I most intensely remember times spent with other people. Nowadays, free time mostly involves some kind of paid activity. An afternoon at the park is automatically worth less, whereas an afternoon at soft play is worth more because you paid for it. This kind of unconscious reasoning extends to many areas relevant to childrearing and puts enormous pressure on parents.

I had my 3rd after 10 years, I absolutely do not regret it. Is it harder this time round? Absolutely! I was just out of my twenties when I had my 3rd.

My youngest is disabled though so I don’t know if that makes a difference in the difficulty.

I know someone who had a child approximately every 5 years and spent most of her adult life raising children. I can't imagine enjoying the endless school runs, after school activities, parents evenings, public exams etc.

I feel you can argue this one either way. My biggest guilt about our spacing is 2 years was hard on the eldest, having to share her mum when she was still so little herself. And they didn't really play together after eldest learned to read anyway. With hindsight I'd have gone for a bigger gap. Friends of mine have an 8y gap and a 15 year gap and both have approached it almost like raising an only child twice. Kids get on great. It's different but not worse, in my view.

I disagree because whilst you're juggling little ones you're often juggling similar tasks and they don't remember anyway, a 2 year old's needs will naturally trump a teen's meaning the teen will get more sidelined, and will remember. Teens needs are different, in my view still very important but will naturally get trumped by a toddler requiring hands on care still.