Will I regret not trying for a third child?

[2or3whatsittobe]

I think we have reached the decision to stick at two children rather than three. It’s very much a head vs heart decision, my heart wants nothing more than a third but my head knows that for us it’s probably right to stick at two for a lot of reasons.

I’m just so worried that I will look back in 20/30 years time and wish we’d tried for a third.

Equally, I can picture an amazing life in 10 years time if we don’t go for a third where we can fully invest our time and money in our two children and start to get some of our own time and lives back.

For context, two children aged 1 and 4. I’m 36 and really don’t want to be having a baby when I’m 40, though I absolutely have no judgement of those who do, I just already feel old as it is in terms of my body. If we don’t conceive in the next couple of months my oldest would be going into year 6 when my youngest was starting reception and I just don’t know if I can face still doing the school run in 7/8 years.

Anyway I’ve read every thread there is on Mumsnet about the age old third child debate but just looking for people to please tell me this isn’t something we will regret! (Equally if you stuck at two and do regret it please do tell)

@PrincessCalley You're so right when you describe it as a physical pain, that’s exactly
how I feel! The thought of never having another little one is absolutely heartbreaking to me (I know that sounds dramatic when I have two healthy and happy children). But I think on a deeper level I know that sticking at two is for the best, I think having three would be selfish in a way because it would be more because I want a third rather than that it would benefit the family as a whole. It’s so tough though!

I have 2 DC and was an identical age to you when they were 1 and 4. At exactly this time I had a massive, hormonally driven desire for a 3rd (logically I didn’t want any more).

Im extremely glad we didn’t. My eldest is autistic. They are only getting more difficult to care for, not less and their needs aren’t actually that great in the overall scheme of things. Number 2 is my darling and the apple of my eye but sometimes I feel life would have been a lot easier if they hadn’t been born, let alone a 3rd. My two will likely never have a tight sibling relationship.

If you have 2 healthy kids and a good life I absolutely wouldn’t roll the dice again. My view is obviously bias but I really don’t think people quite realise the risks they are taking every time they have a child.

I totally understand. My ache started during covid and it got worse for about 9 or 10 months. I cried at my husband regularly about it but he was not for moving. To be honest I was totally over taken by it and couldn't see sense. It took a huge family tragedy for me to realise I had to be grateful for what I had and honestly I've never looked back. I do have a baby nephew now and while I love him I know I couldn't go back. Life is also very busy with my kids and work. I did take up running and have ran 2 marathons in the last 2 years. It is definitely not something I'll regret in years to come. We have a good life and I'm thankful for that.

One of my friends has four DC. She says that the youngest missed out on soft play and toddler groups because by then my friend was just so done with going to them.

My 3rd broke me. We planned on 4 but it was hard going from 2 to 3. I love them dearly but life is easier, cheaper and more manageable with 2

@AgainandagainandagainSS Once you have 3 you will want 4 WTF!!!! Loads of people want 3 but not 4!!!

I still sometimes see people with 3 and feel slightly regretful but overall am happy with the choice to stick with 2. Experiences we couldn't have done with 3, the fact eldest is autistic (only recently diagnosed) and needs extra support, finances etc plus ability to focus on them more in a way I imagine is harder with 3 to have individual time with them

That's so sad. Each child is an individual and going to those groups with each of them is as special as the others. Also very selfish of her to not do it for her child's sake.

I have 2 and for a year after ds2 was born I really wanted for a third. But my now ex husband wasn't keen although I think he'd have gone for it if I really wanted one, but we decided against it for financial reasons.

I am so, so glad we didn't. I'm a single parent now and the kids are 9 and 6. A couple of my friends have 3 children and their lives look too hectic for me to cope with. It's different of course if you have a supportive partner but I don't. No more nappies, buggies, only have to consider 2 children's needs rather than 3. Finding things that they both like to do is easy. No, I don't regret it for a single second

I think about a 3rd daily, my children are 11 and 6 and I am 33, I'm so torn between don't start again and thinking yes go for it

I was in exactly this dilemma last year and we went for it and had our third. I'm 40 now and there is a 10yr age gap between my eldest and the baby but I'm so happy we did it. I'm not going to lie, it's hard! Pre teen emotions while you're up with a crying baby all night plus an 8yr old is not perfect but I finally feel complete if that makes sense. It always felt like someone was missing. It is exhausting tho 😂

Now at teen / uni years and friends with 3 are literally saying “wtf were we thinking” about their choice to have to do this 3 times over. It’s a harder tougher world now and more is demanded of parents emotionally physically and financially than was the case for our parents when we were teens.

Would any of them actually go back and change anything though. They'd all have their 3 kids all over again, it's tough however many kids you have. Don't for a second think any parent saying it would be easier to have one less would ever change that.

Do you have alot of support ? I would love many children 🤣 but we are stopping at 2 because it's just me and my husband we don't have any family nearby that help in anyway. I have a 4 and a 2 year old and I'm just starting to get my life back. I can't imagine having any time to myself at all with 3 kids it would just be too much and a disservice to the kids we already have.

Quit while you're ahead without a doubt. Financial, environmental, providing attention, support, time etc. Two is plenty. One in each hand.

I had a 3rd when DS1 was 14 and DS2 was 3. I have never regretted it, but i’ve been doing the school run for 26yrs now! 18 months until DD goes to uni, then I might get some time for me! Uni is mega expensive, as most get minimum loan (unless household income is less than 30k ish) and parents need to top up. Almost as expensive as nursery days. I think life is harder with 3 little ones, I had a gap but had to deal with the teens, toddler and newborn simultaneously. I largely went for a 3rd as I wanted to try for a DD. Had DS2 been a girl, i’m not 100% i’d have had a 3rd. Its nice to have 3 kids though, i’ve been incredibly lucky with the teen years, none have been a problem or moody etc.

Someone said “you’ll never regret the child you had. You may regret not having the child you wanted”

This gets trotted out over and over again on here. But it isn’t true.

I wouldn't with that age gap. You might regret it, but them I have three and regret not having four...

I posted a comment and saw I’d already answered

I always thought this might happen that I would get broody each time my friends have their second baby as I had my first a lot younger than them all, sometimes I am glad I'm through the sleeples nights then I think oh I'm sure we could do it again we are young enough & it goes fast 🙈 maybe I'm at that stage where people get a puppy 🤣

Don't for a second think any parent saying it would be easier to have one less would ever change that.

That's because you can't erase or forget a child you already love, but it's a fair warning to those with 2, before it's too late.

Well it’s said light heartedly and they are amazing parents and love their kids etc etc but if they’d known….they would have made a different choice. Their kids excel at sport / drama with all that entails then one from each family were so moved to private due to struggling at state - the point is the time and financial commitments were way more than they anticipated for.

I don't like the whole 'starting again' or 'going back' mentality. I have a baby and nearly 6 year old. I say I'm not going back, this is a different person and we're very much going forward. However it's easy to forget how tiring it was and now with the added challenge of more kids = more housework and life admin.

I also like the idea of 3. However one thing I've wondered is say I had a baby, 5 and 10 year old, how can two parents split themselves in that many ways? So on a Saturday morning say mum drives the 5 year old to swimming, dad drops off the 10 year old at football... where is the baby? Where's mums time for nap? Unless you just say no clubs and the 10 year old hangs out with friends whilst the others play indoors?

Maybe this is more manageable if age gaps are smaller, not sure.

I rationalise this that it's chemicals in my bloodstream, my body's biological drive to reproduce. I could have a 3rd, 4th, 5th child and maybe I'd always feel that urge for another baby after the last. I'll have to go through it at some point, so I might as well do it now and have all the upsides of sticking at 2.

I would have loved a 3rd but I would also love to eat chocolate ganache cake every day. Doesn't mean it's the right choice for me to make. Personally I choose to live with the pangs and that's fine.

I didn't think I wanted a third but something deep down nagged at me and although we weren't trying it ended up happening! Oops 😄! It's hard at times but honestly, I really don't regret it and the kids all love being one of three too! Two DC can be fine, calmer and easier obvs but 3 is definitely more fun! I get your point about the school run though 🤣🙈!

I guess either way it will be fine.

There's always a risk you could have twins, happened with 2 people I know but they are all out the other end now and have lovely lively happy households!

For the record, I had a serious illness when my 3rd was 6 months which took a while to fully recover from and I STILL don't regret having 3, and I'm
Not Supermum of the year or anything but I think my 3rd child was a total blessing x