Will I regret not trying for a third child?

[2or3whatsittobe]

I think we have reached the decision to stick at two children rather than three. It’s very much a head vs heart decision, my heart wants nothing more than a third but my head knows that for us it’s probably right to stick at two for a lot of reasons.

I’m just so worried that I will look back in 20/30 years time and wish we’d tried for a third.

Equally, I can picture an amazing life in 10 years time if we don’t go for a third where we can fully invest our time and money in our two children and start to get some of our own time and lives back.

For context, two children aged 1 and 4. I’m 36 and really don’t want to be having a baby when I’m 40, though I absolutely have no judgement of those who do, I just already feel old as it is in terms of my body. If we don’t conceive in the next couple of months my oldest would be going into year 6 when my youngest was starting reception and I just don’t know if I can face still doing the school run in 7/8 years.

Anyway I’ve read every thread there is on Mumsnet about the age old third child debate but just looking for people to please tell me this isn’t something we will regret! (Equally if you stuck at two and do regret it please do tell)

A lot of People who have 2 say "oh we really wish we had gone for a third"
So much so i know an otherwise intelligent woman who has bought into this and gone for a 3rd.
Its SO easy to say this as it never happened

All other things being equal we would have had more debate about a 3rd but at my age (I'd be 42 at best with 3 under 4/5 😵‍💫) i just drew a line after initial discussion.
I know disability or twins would break me and i dont have the luxury of a bigger age gap.

Its very personal and honestly i started at 30 i wouldnt be surprised if we had another maybe a 4th?!? But.... maybe wed have stuck at 2 as well...

I feel i rolled the dice twice, "won" and i am happy to walk away from the casino with my winnings/family rather than risk my health and sanity on a third roll than maybe wont pay off.
And in 10 years I'll 💯 everyone how we WISH we had had a third 🤣

It depends on your values finances and hopes for the future. We had 2 and I was happy enough but dh always wanted 3. A few years later I changed my mind and we had dd2. She is an utter joy and has been the easiest so far as she slept well and eats well. Dh is very much an equal parent, we have no family support so often split up to do different things with the kids making sure they get one on one time. We both work around each other so no childcare needed. I wanted to be done with pregnancy by 35 and I had dd2 at 34. We already had a 4 bed home so all kids could have their own room however I have no issues with them sharing. We already had a big enough car. She does have dd1's hand me down but I buy new when needed. As for ferrying children around to clubs, neither dh or I would let our lives revolve around that weve struck a balance tgst works for us. They do 2x arabic lessons a week, football for ds, guides for dd1, gardening club for dd1 and all 3 go swimming.We have had 2 holidays abroad so far and have booked for next year. Costs will increase as they get older and that was another reason not to have anymore but we cut our cloth accordingly. We couldn't have stretched to private school with 2 let alone 3 so never a consideration. I understand we may have to help with living costs at uni but will support and encourage them to work through uni as dh and I did. I have no intention of helping with house deposits, at some point they need to make their own way in the world.

We accidentally had a third and I love him dearly but it absolutely obliterated my MH for the first two years. It’s hard work, you don’t have the correct hand to child ratio. The kids fight 2:1. But also I wouldn’t go back. Good luck whatever you decide xx

@amothersinstinct Sorry I didn’t mean to be anti-twins, I’m sure it’s amazing to have twins but for us the jump from 2 to 4 would be huge in terms of having to move house, get a new car, pay two sets of nursery fees at the same time etc.

We're having this exact discussion at the moment. It's so difficult to decide. Currently leaning towards trying for a third. We've got two boys, 4 and 2.

"Money can always be made" is a glib comment, and naive in this financial climate

I previously would have liked a larger family than we have. And I do have some regrets about that

But, I'm increasingly thankful that with a smaller family, there's less financial pressure

Well I'm only about 10 years down the road from you but I I have no regrets so far. I was very on the fence when mine were 4 and 1 and knew I needed to make the decision then as I didn't want to "start over" after a big break and think a tot with children really disrupts the family dynamic.

I love being a 4, it's simple, the world is designed for it. It's easy to imagine parenthood in those early years alone but the truth is teens really need you, they need your money, they need your time, they need a lot of your bandwidth. And if like me you want time for yourself and your marriage too I appreciate only having the 2 to stress over which is enough, I've been blessed with some pretty calm and grateful kids thus far so not having a rough time of it.

It's hard when you're in the what if stage, a lot of peace comes when you accept your sdecision, DH getting the snip really helped. Putting that part of our life to bed and focussing on our family.

Now I look at families of 5 and think what were you thinking 😂 I'm not the least bit jealous and can only see the negatives really because I'm so comfortable with our set up, and I have one gender for the record, I know that can be a motivator.

What does your partner think?

We had a third when DC were 4 & 6 and I was pushing 40. We absolutely would have had a happy family life if we stuck with two but I never felt like I was 'done'. When he was born I absolutely felt that our family was complete. His older siblings love him so much and while it's a juggle at the moment with different drop offs for preschool/school there's never a moment we would be without him. I don't think there's a right or wrong answer, do whatever you think is right for your family.

From your posts I think it would be more likely that you'll regret having a third rather than the opposite. You future looks bright.

It seems that you mostly miss the baby and toddler stage, not that you actually want three at any age.

You might look back and wish you'd had a third. You might look back and think it all has worked out well, so you're quite happy that it didn't happen.

I've had a lot of women 50+ say to me that they wish they had had more children. It seems a lot do wish for a bigger family in the end, but I think they maybe like the idea rather than what might have been their reality. I think it's nostalgia talking. My own mother wanted a big family but, as far as I could tell, I think they had enough trouble affording the two they did have.

There's a lot to be said for being content with what you have, even if you do sometimes wonder 'what if'.

Yeah the quote about regret is bollocks. Of course your mother instinct will kick in and you’ll love your child with all your heart but you absolutely can regret it. And to whoever advised looking at the teen parenting boards- YES! Nothing can prepare you for the emotional upheaval of having a teen. Nothing.

We've got two. On some level I want three but my husband doesn't and recently I've started to agree.

I wanted another because I love the kids we have and we have space and with some adjustments can afford it. Also my eldest is very sociable and loves other kids. My pregnancies have been OK and both births positive.

The main reasons I think we won't are:

• I dont see how i could work with 3 ie my husband can only do a few school runs and the more you have there's a risk Its more complex ie if ones ill etc.. My income makes a significant contribution to family finances.
• we don't have regular family support. Anyone who has 3 and isn't a sahm that I know has regular help from grandparents or husband has a super flexible job (or is utterly exhausted)
• I'm just tired - I'm worried less sleep would significantly impact my mental health.
• when they're older I hope they'll all have a hobby but if so that's a lot of ferrying around
• just the laundry and life admin is already too much!!

Have you written out your pros and cons in terms of who would collect them etc... what happens if they're off ill.

I am sorry but that’s absolutely not true. Plenty of people regret having a child or an extra child. And it does a terrible amount of damage to that child and the wider family.

and actually, money can’t always be made. If you think that you must assume all people who are struggling financially do so through choice? Saying money can always be made, is an extremely privileged mindset.

And having more than 2 children doesn’t mean siblings will all get on or all share responsibilities. Or even all decide to stay in the same area. All four could move away for uni and never move back. Or move because of careers. Or all not get on. Or having all 4 involved might make it worse if they all fundamentally disagree on approach.

It’s great you are having the amount of children you want. But your reasoning is very misleading and based on your ideal scenario that’s 30-40 years away and is all just based on your head. It’s a day dream of how you hope things will work out. You have no idea how it will work out.

I wanted a third and didn't. My children are older now but not yet flown the nest and I don't know what a third would have added. I do know we'd be financially worse off though to the point off stress.

I know it's a whole other person to love and i really love my two. Its the best thing i ever did and I enjoy being around them so more of that would be good..

but a huge number of children grow up, move out, work full time and just visit every other Christmas, and phone occasionally.

They reckon once yourchildren leave home you spend the equivalent of a year with them over the rest of your life!

What would you regret?

You would be in a position where you couldn’t predict what would have happened if you had that third child. You would only regret it if you could see exactly what your life would have been like with 3 and it worked out perfectly. And you won’t ever know that.

You might sometimes wonder what it would have been like with 3. But it could just as easily have been a bad decision. You make the decision that you feel is best now. And if a bit of regret creeps in (whatever your decision is) you remind yourself you made the best decision that you could, for you and your children that actually exist, at the time you made it.

It’s sensible to stop at 2 OP. 3 feels like double the work of 2.

However people’s reasons aren’t actually that helpful - could I cope with twins? No but would if I had to.
Could I cope with a disability? No but would if I had to, and my existing kids could become disabled at any point.
What impact will a third have on your existing 2? - overwhelmingly positive.
Once you’ve had 3 you’ll want 4 - nope, I was done the second number 3 was born.

Hence it’s the trickiest decision.

We need more mothers to have 3 rather than 2 DCs.

The UKs birth rate is below replacement. There will be no pension soon enough as there aren't enough young people to pay their parents' pensions.

But also another dc brings such joy. I had a 3rd with a bigger gap. They all love each other so much. There's not that competitiveness you get between 2. Plus as adults their DCs are likely to have more cousins, more aunties & uncles, more support, more fun.

It's a long term investment in your whole family.

I wish my parents had more dc.

I regret trying for a third. I got pregnant after maybe 18 months then had a miscarriage. It's two years after my MC still no 3rd baby but I'm two years older and feel it but can't bring myself to go on contraception. I started TTC at 22 and with a few gaps in between being pregnant and a whole lot of not trying not preventing I hate that I'm still in that same position 10 years later. I really wish I had just left the thing alone and been more content with my lot. I'm moving towards stopping trying and actually over the last few years if anything I've just made myself sadder. The stupid thing is that we have two lovely children who give us so much joy and we all have such a lovely time together.

You need to balance this against the impact on the planet though. We can't all keep on having 3 DC.

I know people who regret their 3rd and indeed their 2nd children so agree that quote is bollocks. OP I was the same as you but going from 3-4 rather than 2-3. We stuck at 3 - very much head over heart - and I’m really glad we did.

You haven’t hit the school years yet- I think once you have homework and extra curricular and play dates you will realise how much easier it is to stick at 2. Would I love 4 adult children round at Xmas in 30 years time- yes! Do I want to raise 4 children- no. I also would love to rewind time and experience my two as babies again but I don’t actually want another child to potty train, teach to read etc.
i have friends with 3, and anything out the norm in their lives can do easily break the camels back. It looks like perm chaos too.

We had a really similar debate - we'd both always wanted 3 but once our second became a bit easier I was really torn between knowing I'd probably regret not having a third and knowing that life would definitely be easier and less expensive with only two. I'm now expecting our third next year, and don't regret it at all yet! I'm lucky in that we're financially OK and DH is very involved which makes it easier - though I'm under no illusions that things will be as calm and relaxed as had we stuck to two.

I'm also 100% feeling done - I was from as soon as I fell pregnant, just absolutely no desire for any more beyond three, so I don't think that never done feeling happens for everyone. I wonder if maybe it's more common if your favourite phase is the little kid bit? I can take or leave that so less of a problem for me!

My NCT friend has a seven year old, a four year old and number three has turned into six week old twins.

Two is perfect for you.