Will I regret not trying for a third child?

[2or3whatsittobe]

I think we have reached the decision to stick at two children rather than three. It’s very much a head vs heart decision, my heart wants nothing more than a third but my head knows that for us it’s probably right to stick at two for a lot of reasons.

I’m just so worried that I will look back in 20/30 years time and wish we’d tried for a third.

Equally, I can picture an amazing life in 10 years time if we don’t go for a third where we can fully invest our time and money in our two children and start to get some of our own time and lives back.

For context, two children aged 1 and 4. I’m 36 and really don’t want to be having a baby when I’m 40, though I absolutely have no judgement of those who do, I just already feel old as it is in terms of my body. If we don’t conceive in the next couple of months my oldest would be going into year 6 when my youngest was starting reception and I just don’t know if I can face still doing the school run in 7/8 years.

Anyway I’ve read every thread there is on Mumsnet about the age old third child debate but just looking for people to please tell me this isn’t something we will regret! (Equally if you stuck at two and do regret it please do tell)

Would I love 4 adult children round at Xmas in 30 years time- yes! Do I want to raise 4 children- no.

I think this is the crux of it for me. Plus I really do believe it's about quality not quantity, I spend a lot of 1:1 time with each child, as does DH (and DH and I too with each other as well, plus our individual hobbies) I didn't want my life to be defined by being a parent, parenting 3 children how I parent 2 children would be all consuming (and not possible really) and not the lifestyle I want. But it's hard to imagine that when they're toddlers because you're in the thick of it then and you think "what's one more" but when they're older you can really see what one more really is (which for some is exactly what they're after of course, but not me).

I’m in the same position as you apart from my kids are slightly older. I’d love another one but our house is set up for 2DC (just done it all up). I don’t think my DC are made for sharing- they love each other but they’re not best friends and do need some time apart. My second was also very premature, which I don’t want to risk again. We also have a family member with significant learning disability which gives another perspective on things.

I’d love a third! However I know it’s not right for us so I am enjoying making the most of our family of four.

I know someone who had 2 children , decided to try for another to complete the family and hey had triplets. Life changed forever, new house, new car/van, new job to work around the babies, life is hectic. 3 at uni at the same time is not cheap!

The jump from 2-3 was the hardest for me. just balancing the comments that say otherwise. It was also my toughest pregnancy and hardest infancy (reflux, tongue tie, wouldn’t sleep, had two other kids I needed to be present for). Almost broke relationship with partner and 10 years on it finally feels like we might make it through. Three also ruined my career as without family help it was too much to balance. Should point out - mine have additional needs, which were only diagnosed after having my third.

I found that my body absolutely yearned for another as my fertility waned. But we didn’t go for it and now I am older I am SO glad that I didn’t. Once the hormones drop you will desperately want some life back for yourself.

As someone raised in a large family, also don’t underestimate the negative impact it has if you don’t have the time or resources you would ideally like to bestow upon the children you have. My parents were loving but they simply didn’t have enough time for each of us.

I'm certain you won't regret it. We had the same dilemma and I'm so glad we stopped at two. I've always been able to give each child a lot of time and attention.
Now mine are older I've seem that as they get bigger, their problems become bigger and more complicated. I'm glad I only have two teenagers to worry about!
Also just the expense as they get older! I'm already stressing about university fees and not having enough money to help them out sufficiently. We'd be buggered if we had three kids to support through university (or whatever they choose to do).
I also feel that this urge to keep having more babies is mostly biological/hormonal. Now I'm in my late 40s and my hormones are disappearing, the broodiness has also completely disappeared!

You haven’t hit the school years yet- I think once you have homework and extra curricular and play dates you will realise how much easier it is to stick at 2.

I think you have hit the nail on the head. The vast majority of threads like this are started by parents of small children who don't seem to have thought about the logistics of what it will be like when the children are older - expensive school unifirms, GCSEs, A levels, UCAS and university.

And yes to the problems getting bigger as they get bigger - bullying, friendship issues, boyfriend/girlfriend issues, mental health issues (been there, done that and got the T-shirt).

I didn't want my life to be defined by being a parent

Yes, I can totally identify with this.

I got broody as my younger left the baby stage - absolutely normal, I assume its basic biology!

DH was "no way" (Im an older Mum so that was part of his reasoning). We stopped, and it was right for us to do so. I must say I don't think my pelvic floor would have thanked me, 25 years on I have enough trouble with it as it is....

I had two miscarriages per baby and ds2 was born very poorly at 27 weeks and didn't survive. Dd arrived 51 weeks later.

It was a struggle for us to get to two. DH wanted a third for the first year after dd was born; I couldn't face another loss. By the time I was ready dh wasn't. Then I was 40 which was my cut off point.

I regret it.

However, I wouldn't have had a second career and I don't know how we would have coped if a third had had disabilities.

People do regret the child they had.
It's a taboo, so it's not spoken about much. Don't have another child because you want another baby.
However. You have two children, you are very fortunate, so give them your attention, affection, focus and energy.
Plus - buckle up for the teenage years!

There are plenty of women having 3 children.

Why do you think the two child UC cap was brought in? It wouldn't be such a controversial thing if there weren't many people having 3 children.

I disagree. It is perfectly sensible to pose this questions when your hormones are all over the place making you so broody you yearn with everything in your body for another baby.
I was that person. It was so hard but I thought long and hard about those questions and that helped me decide to stick at two. Your answers to the questions are different to mine hence you came to a different conclusion.

Stopped at 2 and so glad we did. Two same sex close in age who get on meaning we have been able to do so much as a family. - travel / theatre etc. Would have been harder with a third.

Remember the dds about 8 and 6 and doing a lovely activity as a 4. The other family doing it were same as us but with a screamy toddler. The mum was totally taken up with him so not taking part at all.

Also teens are extremely expensive and emotionally demanding even easy ones. I wouldn’t have it in me to do that a third time and in menopause. And then 3 sets of uni fees!!!

We planned on having one child and had twins. Turned out perfect but wouldn’t have wanted any more.

You disagree with what? I said it’s sensible to stop at 2. I demonstrated why asking those questions doesn’t always lead to a decision to stop at 2, and it’s silly to say that once you have 3 you’ll want 4.

Not everything on MN has to be a fight 😂

I've got one. He was born prematurely. I'm not keen on going through that again so 1 it is for us. I think 2 would send me off and would be a big age gap.

I have 2 def costly as they older. 3 is alot if in hobbies or school activities. My friends 3rd was autistic. So its alot to factor in.

We realised that we didn’t agonise for a moment whether to have dc1 or dc2 but were. doing so for dc3. So took that as our answer. Once the fog of hormones subsided were very glad of our choice. Imo 3 is too many our extended family struggles to host 3 families plus parents comfortably as it’s 15 people and our house is a decent size.

I also agree that that quote is a load of nonsense. 3 years ago I posted the exact same question here and was told something similar. At the time I had a physical pain I wanted a third child so much. My husband never did. Now 3 years on I'm so glad we didn't. We have an 11 and 9 year old and my 11 year old is quite challenging. I work with kids who have profound difficulties and I see the tool it takes on their families daily. They have to fight for everything. I have friends with children who have additional needs and things that would never enter my head have to be planned for in minute detail. We have a good life and are financially secure and could have afforded another baby but children are expensive and I know if I had a child with disabilities it would have broken me.

Best of luck if you do decide to go for it.

I half heartedly tried for a third but nothing happened for years - technically I guess I could be in for a surprise but my youngest is ten now and not a sniff.

I'm relieved. Kids are 10 and almost 13 and are incredibly expensive- adult size trainers, many clubs and a life style where they don't really go without. We're not finding this easy and a third would be tough.

I'm also pleased as the dynamic would be odd with a baby on their own, I'd need twins to have a friend for baby.

I don't find parenting less demanding at this age, it's full on, I give it my all and kids are amazing but it takes effort, I'm not sure I've got the energy for another.

Thankful to have two healthy, kind, happy children who I get on really well with and that's enough.

I honestly don't think you'll regret it.

In an ideal world I'd have had 3, but I just couldn't face another 3-4 years of fulltime childcare costs, and having to have a bigger house and bigger car and less to go around. I also wasn't sure if a condition with my hip joint might slow me down in my 40s and it wouldn't be good if I still had a young child then (which I might have if I'd gone for a 3rd). That didn't come to pass, but I still don't regret it.

A family member had a third child and that child was autistic and I mean the special school and 24/7 care for life variety. It had an enormous impact on the family, as it was bound too. As others have mentioned that is a risk. Other variables are how much support from your partner and extended family? Are your family close enough to give support , even how old are your parents-are they likely to need support? Sometimes you'll want to do things with your eldest eg a theatre trip which the others are too young for. An issue with two but harder with three, plus the enormous cost of the teenage, young adult years when the paren(s) aren't spring chickens any more. I guess I'm making clear which way I am thinking. Best wishes anyway, whatever you decide.

I get this. My eldest started school this September and I think it’s that which has suddenly made me now come down more on the side of sticking with two. We’re only a month in but the thought of having to go through the whole reception settling in process in five or six years time is what I’m really struggling to get my head around, I feel like I’ll be feeling quite old by then given how old and tired I feel now!

Then you end up being stuck at the primary school for bloody years. I was totally over that when dd2 left can’t imagine still slogging along there for another 4/5 years!

Having a third child was the best thing we ever did. Often dh talk about how grateful we are that we went for it.