Do you do this? If so, WHY???????!!!!!!

[ThatIsNotMyNameSoWhyAreYouCallingMeThat]

It’s my birthday. 47 years on this planet. Had the same name for all of them.

Just two cards through the post, one from each of my mum’s sisters. Both of whom came to my wedding 20 years ago, where the words Mr + Mrs Hisname never appeared, and the cheques they each kindly gave us had to be corrected because neither of us changed our names. (They noticed we hadn’t cashed them and we had to tell them we couldn’t pay them in as we had no joint account (still don’t) and so no account existed that would recognise me as Sarah Hisname.

So why, 20 years on, with a few gentle reminders on the way, are the envelopes addressed to Mrs S Hisname and Sarah Myname-Hisname?

It’s very sweet of them to send cards at all, as a text would be absolutely fine, but I’m bamboozled by why anyone would go to the effort of buying and sending a card to someone and using a name they have NEVER used?

So if you do this, WHY?!

It would take at least 12 hours to “pop round” to each of them. Which is why they are the only ones to send cards through the post. And which makes it even more ridiculous because how is DH’s surname so memorable to them when they see him less than once a year on average but they see mine on Facebook several times a week?! And they remember to use my surname for DD!

I asked my mum to mention it last year, because each additional year it happened (the gentle reminders but the next card being addressed the same way) was affecting me. Even that hasn’t landed. Who knows if she reminded them in the run up as well this year.

Friends who don’t know my surname? No. Acquaintances, perhaps, but someone close enough to be called a friend would know my surname and I theirs.

Oh my goodness that's even worse! They get DD's name right but not yours!

Perhaps get them an address book for Christmas with yours already pre populated? Or just send them a card and tell them not to bother sending cards any more as they can't even get your name right so it is causing more upset than good.

Your husbands name is also his father's name.

They're not going to change, @ThatIsNotMyNameSoWhyAreYouCallingMeThat. This should be evident after such a long period of time. Who knows why they're doing it?; but this is a 'them' issue, not yours.

My DH repeatedly asked his mother to stop addressing me by his name rather than my own. She subsequently sent one card to my name (misspelled, but of course!) and then reverted to Mrs Hisname. DH's conclusion was that either she's not very bright or she's doing it purposely, in which case we both concluded we were better off not giving her the reaction she wanted.

Were I a pettier person, I'd have started addressing her by her former married name (my DH's family name). I could argue that she has far more claim to that name than I do, given she's actually used it and I never have. But I haven't the right sort of energy to descend to that level. It boils down to whether I consider a person worthy of my time, or I don't. If I don't, I simply step back.

Who knows what is motivating your aunts? Perhaps it's a statement that you've stepped out of line in daring to keep your own name. Perhaps it's motivated by nothing more than a stubborn conviction that they are 'right', and that others are not as well-versed in etiquette as they are. IME, 'etiquette' is quite often rude in itself and 'tradition' a blunt instrument to hammer others into doing what the traditionalist believes appropriate. I personally have no time for either.

I would never make a 'political' point of addressing friends by Ms Hername when she's chosen Mrs Hisname - why make a present of a cheap dig to someone you care about on their birthday? I suspect most recipients will know what kind of place the sender is coming from with their stubborn adherence to a name they know is not yours.

Therefore, stop pointing out their 'error'. They know. It's a pure waste of your time. If they're looking for a reaction the best one you can give them from this point onwards is silence.

The difference is this is, usually, about just women having to make a change to accommodate men.

Reading through this thread I’ve wondered how those who believe addressing a card incorrectly to Mrs HisName is ok. Would you also feel addressing a card to Mr HerName is fine?

Fair enough. Mine wasn’t worth the hassle.

Yes, so what difference does it make?

Really? Rude? Of course not. They’re sending her a card which is nice and probably forget the name situation. If you think that’s rude get over yourself!

You clearly haven’t read the thread.

They see her correct name on Facebook daily
they magically remember that her child has her last name
It’s been years
They’ve had many reminders

How isn’t it rude?

So you haven’t read the entire thread?. Of course they being rude.

Are they mad old spinsters who live together Patty and Selma style?

Just suck it up. My sister in law never fails to spell my sons name incorrectly in cards (the girls
version instead of the boys spelling), however I just think that it’s nice she has remembered to send him a card. It’s mildly irritating but nothing more.

They probably just want to wish you a happy Christmas and think of you as Mr and Mrs. Older relatives do the same to me and I don’t mind particularly. The cheques are annoying though!

My sister used to send cards in the post to the wrong address for the 20 years I lived there. She always put 22 Main Road, Forest Green instead of 22 Main Road, [place name] Green
i told her every time, it never changed.

Now I live somewhere else, she puts 11 St Pauls Road instead of 11 [correct saint’s] Road.
Infuriating. I think she just doesn’t care, but then why bother sending them at all?

@ThatIsNotMyNameSoWhyAreYouCallingMeThat
I asked you earlier - do you think that they are thick or doing this on purpose?

If they are thick, you need to tell them very specifically and directly - thanks for the cards, our names are ......... Please update your records as getting incorrectly addressed cards is a bit insensitive after all this time.

Asking your DM to 'mention' it hasn't worked.

If you think they are doing it deliberately then do what you like.

You not opening the cards in a passive aggressive stand will change nothing.

I get it... it drives me nuts too..
In my case it's not the older generation who address stuff to Mrs Hisname but my brother and sister, nothing younger than me and in their 40s... I've been with OH over 30 years and married most of that, so it's nothing new.... my gran in her 90s at the time had no.issue or comprehension failure...
It's plain rude and indicate that their opinion or way of doing things is more important.... and for all those saying to get over it, it would be interesting to see how long you'd be happy about being called by someone else's name .

I'm with you.
I'm 70, I took my ex's name and wish I hadn't. Never changed it back because the kids both had his name too and by the time they were adult, I just couldn't be bothered with the hassle.

My sister, who is 10 years older than me, didn't take her (ex)husband's name. No children though, so one less complication. BUT she's 80. I can understand my parent's generation (Now over 100 if still living) but not anyone under 80, still less people in their 50s. There are a lot of misogynistic women out there.

You think it’s odd, and just nod and smile, because your DIL didn’t give up her first name in favour of your son’s? Bloody hell. Don’t think she doesn’t count as a full person?

And for men, all the way through? Mr John Kelly. We don’t need to know if he’s single, married, separated, divorced or widowed because it doesn’t change his social status.

I have said quite clearly that I accept times have changed and I respect the change.

I'm sorry you didn't grasp the facts.

His social status would change if he was or became:

Sir, kt or bt
Lord
Rev'd
Dr
Brigadier
Colonel
Captain
Etc

I suppose you are aware that a woman can become a Dame. As well as taking a title of rank in the forces.

No, you can’t pay a cheque written to two people into a single person’s account. I know because I’ve also had someone assume I and my husband have a joint account.

Anyone pretending that a man gaining a rank as a result of his career or an honour is the same thing as a woman’s title depending on her marital status, is either utterly disingenuous or seriously thick. Personally I refuse to accept that the supermarket, water board or estate agent NEED to know my marital status to provide me with a service. So I choose something like Admiral, The Venerable or Mother Superior Jane. I can identify as I bloody well like. So can OP.

Neither of my brothers wives changed their name and got quiet upset very early on when cards were sent to Mr & Mrs Mac221 however both insisted on referring to me as Mrs DHName on any card they ever send me…love them dearly but this drives me mad!!