Husband going away

[Anonymous20003000]

Okay i want to start by saying we have been married 15 years and have 2 kids. We both work full time. Mu husband is a hard worker and provides and we also go on holidays etc.
I will admit i share everything with my husband however he is the opposite he naturally doesnt really talk about his feelings.

anyway i had our son 2 years ago and we were both over joyed however because i went on maternity leave my husband had more time to go and see his friends meaning he wasnt restricted with my work schedule. This then increased to two three times a week of eating out with them. They were all in a group chat etc phone calls often and msgs etc. anyway at one point they all realised it was a bit much and they should all focus on their families. So this reduced to meeting once a week. Anyway one evening my husband said he and his friends were going to go europe for 3/4 days in half term. I assumed he was joking or they were just planning and i laughed and said er ok but yeah u do that u wont have a hone to come to jokingly as im left with 2 kids over half term. However i secretly planned a getaway for us . Anyway the next day i just mention oh yeh are u guys messaging? Trip discussion? He goes oh yeh were booked for morroco for 7 days and ive paid for the hotel and flights. I said what?!!? You didnt think to mention that to me?! I then asked did his friends do the same thing he said well one hasnt told his wife yet and might just tell her day before.

im actually very upset i wouldnt physically stop him going but surely i deserved to be told something like this?? What do you all think?

LOL.. at first i assumed the while family wanted to tag along…
in surprised my husbands actually trying to see if he can book the son on the same flight and arrange an additional bed for the hotel…. But he said they’re giving him until tomorrow before the deadline to make any changes for the hotel passes..

@ComingBackHome I agree that they didn't understand how unacceptable their actions are. But punishment is not what makes someone understand why what they did was wrong. Communication is what does that. And with understanding comes acknowledgment, and then change. The OP's husband had already acknowledged he had made a mistake before she made him shorten the trip. Punishing them by ruining their trip, followed by an undermined length of time of groveling and servitude, is just to make their wives feel powerful/better.

Punishing or being punished by your partner is not healthy behaviour in a relationship. Nor is it a particularly good sign when your partner takes great pleasure in your misfortune. "Oh your trip is ruined. Too bad LOL." It's not just the DH who needs to work on himself in this relationship imo.

I think the fact that even after numerous conversations over the past 1.5 years of him seeing his friends too much would have been a good indicator to not book a week away with said friends at least discuss with partner. I cant judge the other friends wife who knows why shes taken this step i wont jusge. But clearly they all went about it the wrong way!

Your husband doesn't sound like a bad man. He just sounds like someone who made a mistake in his excitement.

Find it quite sad that the husbands gleefully booked a week away when their children were off school without discussing it with their wives, defaulting them with 100% of childcare and no consideration if they had other plans.

In your opinion he sees his friends too much. This isn't really about his friends. It's about your dependence on him to fill that slot for you. You admitted you are jealous. You admitted that you depend on him too much. You acknowledged that you need to make more effort with your own friends. I'm pretty sure you are just scared that he doesn't need you as much as you need him because he has these friends. If you had your way, you would be all that he needed just like he is all that you need. The two of you together. No outside noise.

But that isn't healthy! No person should lose themselves completely in a relationship. The reason this holiday thing has blown up so much is because it is actually something you can justifiably throw at him. So you now have the opportunity to unleash all your angst about the other stuff on him and make him suffer and pay for your insecurities.

Honestly he's not i cant fault him for anything else. All he had to do was run it past me before pressing the booking button. Its like this tipped ne over after him seeing his friends so regularly anyway. But im happy he sees it now and is trying to make it right. I feel like its karma at this point with the other friend.

I agree but i know i need to work on myself as well. I think because i was on maternity leave i became quite isolated and resentful as well. Now i am making an effort to reconnect and meet friends i wont feel that sense of dependency on him. I think a lot of things happened at different times that resulted in this. But we are moving foward from this

That's good. Growing your own social life and network will do you a lot of good. You'll feel better not having to rely on just one person to meet all your needs. It's especially important to make that effort when you have children because it is so easy to let friendships drop while you're in the chaos of child-rearing.

I suspect you see his role as a 'man who helps' with caring for his home and DC's. Your own mindset needs to change if you want more equality. You mention multiple times about him 'helping' you, and you repeatedly state he is a 'good provider'. But aren't you just as much of a provider given that you work full time too? Does he actually work any more hours than you, now his job is more flexible?
His role is not to 'help' you, his role is to do 50% of the childcare and housework because it's his responsibility as a parent. It's not about helping you. As you both work full time, there should be no main or default carer, but I suspect it has become you, and his attitude that you'll just sit back and accept doing everything alone while he's gone for the week, proves that he thinks like this.
To a degree it's got to this because you lost touch with your friends and isolated yourself, so it became the norm to him for you to alwaysbe around. It's good you are addressing this now. However, he has still got 4 nights off from family duties, so to be fair and to get less resentment, he should agree to having the DC's while you take a few days away with your friends.
While you are meeting and reconnecting with your friends, I think you should see if they could get away with you for a while, maybe a spa weekend. Doubtless as mothers, you all deserve a break. Its actually healthy for you both to spend time with friends, then theres nothing to be jealous about.

@HollyKnight whilst being dependent on your partner for social contact isn’t good, nor is being so independent that you hardly spend any time at home (or don’t even be polite enough to check if going away if ok).

im not sure why you seem to want to make the OP fully responsible ‘because she was jealous’ whilst ignoring her dh behaviour.

@Anonymous20003000 has a much more healthy attitude imo.
Her dh behaviour has been addressed.
AND she is also looking at herself and building a life of her own.
Which is all good and healthy.

To be able to do that though, women/mothers need a father that will be happy
to take on their responsibility as a father and a husband/partner.

Why on earth would they pick half term when it's triple the price if their families aren't invited?

most work term time

Are all the friends from the same culture as you and dh?

I am flabbergasted that a group of men could all happily think it ok to book the whole of half term away without first discussing the plan with their wives. Not one of them has even considered the impact of this on their wives/families.

Teachers?

Another update- another friend wants to go and take his son he could accompany the other kid as theyre similar age LOL…
my husbands trying to arrange flights+ hotel for them . I just couldn't stop laughing. We had a few more arguments to be honest but its pointless. Although he is planning a London trip for us and the kids for that weekend he is back.
although i have said to him take both our kids and you can stay full 7 days and il forget any of this happened. Haha

Some are school drivers and do the school pick ups and drop offs etc

I notice he’s the one doing all the booking & rearranging. So he didn’t just get carried away & agree in the first instance. He actually did all the booking, so took the lead.
Absolutely no reason he couldn’t have checked with OP first. Somehow makes it even more selfish.

Its funny because just yesterday my husband said his friend said no im not taking the kid just watch and now hes like yes im taking the kid LOL him and his wife had a big argument so his friends said dont ruin your marriage over this and just bring the kid. i said to my husband why is she being like that he said because she doesn’t trust him lol

His friends genuinely always come to him for help and advice etc. but my husband has admitted he got caught up and would never have booked it had i clearly said no. plus he has paid extra
to come back friday morning instead on sunday evening.,It was a case of miscommunication but he has been making up for it plus he is booking the london getaway.

I need to be clearer next time. But had he asked i would have said yes u can go for 5 days. He really does deserve it but for me it was just not asking and to assume 7 days would be fine. He has said he will never do it again and will run everything past me and that he will continue to make it up for me . Plus meeting friends twice a month. I think this has been a big wake up call for him and his friends to be honest! Lol I have booked some extra tuition in those few days he is away it will keep me busy and extra money lol then i can pack for london

My husbands gone and made his way to the airport. I came up with an agreement for him for which he agreed on all the points a few days ago.
i only found out today the original return date was Monday so it was sunday to Monday. Doesnt mean anything now anyway as my husband is coming back on Friday.
we were fine until yesterday where i really felt used and i wont go more in to that…
anyway i wasnt able to even see him off i just locked myself in a room i just wanted him gone to be honest so i can get on with the week.

i read similar threads on here and i am worried that i have mental health issues and my jealousy is at a ridiculous level.
my fear is he will do this again even though he has promised he wont even go away with friends ever again.

i dont know why i am like this or whats resulted in me being like this but ive literally archived him on my phone so i wont see any messages from him until he comes back. He wants me to get him from the airport on friday so he can save on the uber and i keep thinking should i shouldnt i. I feel like when he comes back i want to show him i dont need him?? This all sounds really messed up to me if im honest and im scared of what i have or am becoming.
i know i can use these few days to do self care spend time with the kids but i resent him as well?
last night we went to A &E as 1 year old had temperature and cough. He is still unwell but i have to manage tgat by myself as well. I just feel so angry and upset that i dont even want to speak to him anymore, just the silent treatment.

OP, now that you have finally acknowledged your anger at his appalling behaviour it is spilling out of you.
It is understandable.
He spent two years being a selfish pig whilst you were looking after children.
I think you need Counselling and support.
I wouldn't dream of collecting him.
Do whatever you can to make the next few days bearable for yourself.
There is nothing wrong with being hugely pissed off and finally realising you have accepted too much.
He's a very selfish man and you deserve better.

I feel so torn on the one hand he is a great person in the sense that hes been perfect up until booking the holiday. Sure he met up with friends often but even then the shock of him just booking something without acknowledging to tell me was ridiculous. I am left to feel jealous and i also feel so clingy and needy. I hate how his decision his actions have made me.
no i dont think i will be messaging him or accepting any video calls as he said he needs to see the kids. Im thinking of the advantages how i can eat make what i want watch what i want and just take it easy next few days. I dont think i wil pick him up and im doing the london trip for my kids and i wont be speaking to him. Im just so upset and angry. I thought i could move past this but i cant. He said he promises to move foward with the agreement and everything will be on my terms. That for some reason doesnt make me feel better because he will be on the beach the next 4 days!!!