Husband going away

[Anonymous20003000]

Okay i want to start by saying we have been married 15 years and have 2 kids. We both work full time. Mu husband is a hard worker and provides and we also go on holidays etc.
I will admit i share everything with my husband however he is the opposite he naturally doesnt really talk about his feelings.

anyway i had our son 2 years ago and we were both over joyed however because i went on maternity leave my husband had more time to go and see his friends meaning he wasnt restricted with my work schedule. This then increased to two three times a week of eating out with them. They were all in a group chat etc phone calls often and msgs etc. anyway at one point they all realised it was a bit much and they should all focus on their families. So this reduced to meeting once a week. Anyway one evening my husband said he and his friends were going to go europe for 3/4 days in half term. I assumed he was joking or they were just planning and i laughed and said er ok but yeah u do that u wont have a hone to come to jokingly as im left with 2 kids over half term. However i secretly planned a getaway for us . Anyway the next day i just mention oh yeh are u guys messaging? Trip discussion? He goes oh yeh were booked for morroco for 7 days and ive paid for the hotel and flights. I said what?!!? You didnt think to mention that to me?! I then asked did his friends do the same thing he said well one hasnt told his wife yet and might just tell her day before.

im actually very upset i wouldnt physically stop him going but surely i deserved to be told something like this?? What do you all think?

I would imagine he will be very happy not to discuss the trip with you either😳

It's a pity that selfish men don't comprehend the long term impact on themselves of their selfish decisions. If he'd just had the open, honest discussion in the first place, he'd have had a break away. Full half term away is spectacularly disrespectful to his family, and you'll never forget what he put you through. He broke your trust. Hardly worth it, you idiot! [speaking to husband]

OP I have read the whole thread and am relieved for you that you got this outcome. Well done!
I think it's actually better than he did go away (4 days). Because, the important thing now is for him to understand what's reasonable, going forward. If he had completely lost the holiday, he'd feel so hard done by that he'd be painting you as the Baddie - in his own mind at least. And that would clash with the change that you want to maintain from now on, where he needs to treat you better.

Wouldn't ask my girls to put up with it ever that's true. I hate to hear that happens to you, please choose yourself and your children and don't waste time on an uncommitted man. You're worth so much more.

I applaud your resolve. In a lose-lose situation, you’ve negotiated the least worst outcome and laid the groundwork for ‘never again.’

So heres an update. He told me to book something for saturday and sunday as apparently its the least i can do for telling him to come back before his friends and that it cost him an extra £200 to do that. I just don't have the energy to keep arguing so now im giving the silent treatment and its
bothering him . To be honest after some reflection i know i am jealous, im jealous that he can enjoy his time with his friends. I get he hasnt been anywhere abroad or even a night away with friends in our marriage, but if u see these friends every week is a week long holiday needed. Anyway i told him i dont know how i can move foward from this and it will take time. Like i need to see how i feel when he comes back. I need to actually see him make the effort but im annoyed hes telling me to pay and booking something.

Im really jealous that i told him i dont want to hear a word about his trip. Hes not allowed to video call me and he can just message each night to say hes ok and ask if me and kids are ok. Hes not happy about that as he said he wants to video call everyday to see the kids. I said no u just focus on ur friends dont even bother with us . Im just jealous at the thought of him having fun and il be here with 2 kids.

Do you not have any joint money, OP? No joint account?

That £200 he spent/wasted is also your money too isn't it if you're married?

Anyway, he still sounds like he's being an arsehole who hasn't learned anything at all from this experience.

nope we have our own accounts , never got round to make a joint tbh.
its just frustrating going round and round in circles.
so now why should i book something he should right? Hes giving us 2 days in half term… so when i said no it was like he was implying he will just stay the full 7 days as in just let the earlier one go to waste.

Have you had any overnight time away on your own?

He’s taking the piss massively.

I’m all for both partners in marriage to have time with friends. But it’s not on to make plans over half term, in expectation that you will sort the kids, with no discussion.

You definitely do seem to be going round in circles with him.

Ultimately, he just doesn't get it does he?
In his head he thinks he's doing you a favour by coming home early from this odd lad's holiday and that you should be grateful.

Not sure what you do in these circumstances.
As a pp said, don't be surprised if he didn't ever cancel the original flight and just stays out there for the full seven days.

This is so frustrating to read. You're both playing games and getting nowhere. This relationship will not last. It shouldn't.

Does he bulldoze/bully you into his way in other areas of your relationship? Are all his shitty behaviour/decisions turned onto you?

He went ahead and booked this “because you weren’t clear enough in saying no” so your fault
You both begrudgingly agreed to reduce it to 4 days on the condition he organised & paid for family activities for the remaining 3 days (presumably you would be organising/paying for activities in the first 4 days) He still managed to extend it back to 5 days, putting money above time with his family.

He’s now convincing you it’s your fault he’s out of pocket & you’ve got to compensate him & be grateful he’s coming back at all!! He’s likely to go on & on at this until you give up & tell him to just stay there if he’s going to begrudge his time with his family. Then it’ll be “you can’t complain, you told me to stay for the whole 7 days”.

I think your comments that he’d “ learned his lesson” aren’t how he sees it.

I think he’ll consider it all your fault & you should have just agreed from the start & saved all this stress & argument.

You’ve given in so much up to now. I hope you can stand firm & insist he organises & pays for the 2 days you are left with.

Im struggling to see his good qualities OP.

I don’t think you should have insisted on the 2 days thing - he’ll just use it as a stick to beat you with.
You should have let him go for the whole time, just to demonstrate to you quite how selfish he is and used that week to work on an exit plan.
He’s never going to be better. He’s a man child.

He's been a selfish loser for two years and nothing is going to change.
Keep your money separate, you are going to need it and your career.
Your marriage hasn't a hope OP, he is simply too selfish.
You will wake up to that eventually and have the ick.
You will realise that you are worth and deserve more, and so do your children.
Tell family and friends the truth.
Your lying about who he is has absolutely facilitated him in becoming the selfish loser he undoubtedly is.

Do the www.freedomprogramme.co.uk for yourself, for your future.

I certainly wouldn't book anything.
Spend your money on seeing your friends as an absolute priority.
You are going to need your friends.

I would book myself a trip for the weekend when he gets back and he can take his turn solo with the kids

I don’t know why he’s shouting himself in the foot. Why go to the burger if booking the early flight if he’s not trying to make amends

i think its turned in to a big mess. He has said he has made a mistake and he wont ever do it again but im stubborn and convinced him to come back earlier. He agreed because he thought it would be double digits not triple, so now hes like i need to plan and pay for the weekend he is back. And that attitude is making it worse for me

No we have rarely argued we do go out for dinner, spend evenings with the kids. We've been on a lot of holidays. Im just in shock he did this and im angry about it and now its a big mess

I saw him put a bag of new holiday clothes he purchased today in his draw. Honestly anything related to this holiday of his is really angering me.

And i know if he really enjoys it he will do it as a yearly thing and why would he care when hes seen whats the worst i can do

You both really need to get yourself booked into marriage counselling.

Ok OP I've read the whole thread and you really need to take a long deep breath and calm down.

Please try to remember that for a marriage to work you need to be on the same page.

Yes he's been an utter ass here but you really need to figure out together what took you to this place and where you go from here. Resolution won't be found while you're both in a heightened state of conflict.

The holiday is happening. That's now agreed. Stop sulking and spoiling it for him. It's his first time away with friends in 12 years. He's going to have a ball. Let him go with love.

Plan midterm so you enjoy it while he's away. You have money, friends and family so this is very possible.

Then work on fixing your marriage. It's not good now. YOU shouldn't be so jealous of friends. HE shouldn't be so obsessed with his friends. This sounds like a contradiction but it isn't. It sounds like he is your whole world. You need to remember that you are your own person, find stuff you like to do, start enjoying yourself again and bring the happiness back.

You should be having one evening to yourself every week, no questions asked. It doesn't matter if you're out for dinner with friends, at yoga, gone to a movie or secretly hiding in your bedroom with a good book. It's your time.

From his pov he's been having a great time; work is better, lovely wife and family at home, booming social life. And while I think he has the balance way off he's not totally wrong to be pursuing happiness. You need to prioritise your happiness and then you can both work it out together.

For now tell him you will miss him when he's away but you're not going to argue about it anymore. Tell him you look forward to seeing him that weekend but you really need him to show that it's as important to him as his time away with friends so you won't be booking or paying for anything.

@Anonymous20003000

So he's buggering off on a presumably not cheap, foreign holiday, for 7 days, without his family, during the only time when his family are free & available to go & he didn't even discuss it with you??!! There is SO much wrong with that!! I'd be off the scale effing furious!! That would be a deal breaker for me. He's a selfish twat who clearly doesn't give a shit about his wife & children!!